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My heart would marry him tomorrow.
I admit now that "call me crazy but moving to an isolated island that has few job opportunities in a foreign country with a relative stranger who is twice your age does not seem a great idea" made me laugh alone about myself because, and I'm not ashamed for it, I felt ridiculous. Seriously.
With my exes? Well the first of my "serious" relationships started because he was a 30 y.o. handsome womaniser with a lot of money, I was 19 and I was fascinated at the beginning. My parents thought he was serious probably because of the gifts I was receiving, but he was constantly cheating and lying. I found out he was trying to hook up with a friend of mine once and all at once I realised how much he sucked. It lasted two years. After some months I started going out with another guy, son of a couple my parents know, he was perfect for them, and I just did not have the time to think if I really loved him because of the incredible pressure from my mother. He was more calm and "homeboy" than the party animal cheat I was with before, honestly he was boring for me, I realised I thought of him more like a friend than a boyfriend. Anyway he was so kind and seemed so into me, I tried not to think about it. But when last year he asked me to move in with him and eventually get married I realised I had to break it up. Naturally mother has been mad at me for months. My personal idea is that who worse who better I always have been with men who tried to "buy" me, to have the "perfect life", men who were born in a certain wealth and did not know real life. An hypocrite world. I asked myself what values could these people teach to their children, I asked myself would they die for saving me from something, and I answered no to myself.
I do agree with most of what you have written, just because as I was saying, I am in love but still not totally insane. I would not be seeking for others' ideas if I was sure of what I am doing and how to do it.
I am sure about how I feel about him, but this is enough in fairy tales. In real life you must know how to cope with things, having goosebumps is not enough to make permanent moves. I just know it.
I am against suggesting marriage. I am east-european minded in this, I like to be courted and in fact it would be difficult for me to say marry me. I'd rather tell him, when I go back, something like "what do you think about my stay here?" so to introduce the issue and see if he has a remote idea of marrying me or not.
I obviously KNOW he's MUCH older. But maybe that's the last of my problems: if among the many things to worry about in a relationship we add age difference, we would have pre-estabilished relationships only. It is a risk in 10 years I could become a caregiver (but he's extremely strong and lively, I think it will take longer). But what I know is that he told me by the time he'll be older than 60, he won't be working anymore. He lived in a simple way and this made him save enough money to live without working. He still lives in a simple way, I mean, he has his truck, his boat, his wooden two floors house is more close to a shanty than to a real house (little furnished, he sleeps more times on a hammock than in his bed...), he hardly leaves for a holiday, he does not have expenses. That's how a working class guy became financially stable.
So, just to say age does not worry me as much as other matters and I mean, if he wants me, he must quit going after whales (or whatever). I would not be comfortable with the idea he's somewhere out on dangerous trips. I am not going to ask him to change otherwise I'd rather be with someone else, but I am not someone who gives up to having reasonable rights (as a woman or wife).
I am surprised, I did not think of the "if you'll be longing for fun he supposedly won't be with you" thing. This may be true. He is grouchy and I know that his kind of personality is not generally socially appreciated. It's true on the other hand that I confess I felt flattered by his attention due to this kind of personality he shows and he's known for. I don't know if you can understand me, but actually I felt very "special". You know... when you get the interest of someone like him, it makes you feel more worthy than when you get the interest of a common city metrosexual playboy who chases any good looking woman he sees. You just think it takes a special kind of woman to get through this crusty behaviour, to reach the heart of a tough person who seemed to have given up companionship long before you came. This is how I feel at least.
I did not write too much about his feelings because I already did write a lot and did not want to become kinda unreadable. I can't blame you all for thinking "this girl is a little stupid" but I am not going to think to move for a someone who did not make me really think to be interested. I'm not going to dream and say "he'll move to Europe" because I think he would NEVER move (and he is one of those who are sure it's the woman who follows, not the man) but he told me I should move. We shared very romantic moments. In the beginning he was held back, after my attempts of putting him at his ease and letting him know I was looking for a man like him, he let me see he can be sweet too and one of the things that still melts my heart is that he said "if you want to join me, we're gonna be fine, we'll take care of each other". Do you think it is something you say to a summer fling?
He asked me stuff like "why does a girl like you spend time with a man like me?" because it's clear we have different backgrounds, but I told him the truth, I told him about my life, what I have and what I think misses in it, how tired I am of a certain type of men I am surrounded by. It felt incredible sometimes how his usual attitude faded and left place to tenderness. Maybe I'm just ingenuous, but he must be a real crook to do this with no interest and risking to spoil someone's life for nothing.
It's crazy but you're starting to make sense somewhat. The risk is still huge but you did provide a reasonable scenario where love conquers all.
Why not just enjoy the affair as an affair? I don't understand why so many young women want to get locked into a relationship so early in the game. Why on earth are you already planning to marry him?
Speaking from experience, these kinds of guys are great at the beginning, but are not much good for the long haul. Note his marriage record. Note his seasonal career choice.
You'll get tired of it once the novelty wears off and so will he.
So enjoy the romance with your sea captain and go back home. Find a suitable man with a sense of adventure who will also be a steady presence in your life as a partner. They're out there.
Not a good trade. Stay put. Your too young for this man and his ego is boosted due to you being this young. Its more important to stay close to the friends and family. Get back into the real world.
@Ellie: yes, the fact he got married three times scared me at the beginning. But he got married the first time in his early twenties, the second he was about thirty and the third he was 38 and divorced when he was 44. I can't recall whom of the three wives died, because it was very clear he was not comfortable of talking about this. He's the one joking about women and sentimentalism, but once I told him "don't try to joke only to hide your faults and your griefs, because you know, we humans all suffer the same way", so he sat down and told me a little about his previous relationships. He told me the reason why in his view it was so hard for him to deal with a partner, he told me it is a mix of his job (always away, always out to work) and his personality which in his opinion is not very suitable for having a woman. He can really be wild when he doesn't like something, and even though I DO believe he would never hit a woman (he has a strong macho value, he thinks it's just coward) he could throw/disintegrate anything in his sight if someone pisses him off (luckily he doesn't go around pissed off, but it could happen).
His carreer choice is not seasonal as I explained. Honestly this man did not get a real education, his family could not support him at the college, nor I think he has an high school diploma. He dropped out of high school early or probably just finished middle school and started working.
Not a good trade. Stay put. Your too young for this man and his ego is boosted due to you being this young. Its more important to stay close to the friends and family. Get back into the real world.
And your ego is boosted due to the interest of somebody different than the people you've paired up with before who are more typical of your age group, due to the interest of somebody who's surly with others but "sees you differently," etc.
Maybe it's a star-crossed, "he's your great love" thing. Who knows?
The fact remains, you don't know him well enough, and haven't known him long enough, to cut through the newness and infatuation with the experience and make a choice based in sound judgment, at this point.
There are also a fair number of behavioral red flags that you can't possibly make an informed judgment on right now, because you know very, very little about him.
You know it's playing with fire to get yourself so involved.
I have nothing else to really say becuase anything I could say about the situation doesn't matter. The bottom line is it's a bad situation that will lead you to bad places
@Ellie: yes, the fact he got married three times scared me at the beginning. But he got married the first time in his early twenties, the second he was about thirty and the third he was 38 and divorced when he was 44. I can't recall whom of the three wives died, because it was very clear he was not comfortable of talking about this. He's the one joking about women and sentimentalism, but once I told him "don't try to joke only to hide your faults and your griefs, because you know, we humans all suffer the same way", so he sat down and told me a little about his previous relationships. He told me the reason why in his view it was so hard for him to deal with a partner, he told me it is a mix of his job (always away, always out to work) and his personality which in his opinion is not very suitable for having a woman. He can really be wild when he doesn't like something, and even though I DO believe he would never hit a woman (he has a strong macho value, he thinks it's just coward) he could throw/disintegrate anything in his sight if someone pisses him off (luckily he doesn't go around pissed off, but it could happen).
His carreer choice is not seasonal as I explained. Honestly this man did not get a real education, his family could not support him at the college, nor I think he has an high school diploma. He dropped out of high school early or probably just finished middle school and started working.
I am missing the part where he is committing to you?
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