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I honestly believe that a "healthy" person and a "sick" person don't have relationships. One might appear more or less healthy. But it isn't how relationships actually work. This comes from someone who had a very dysfunctional childhood...married a man with an "ideal" family and childhood. Only to find out, though therapy, that his family was as dysfunctional as mine was. They were just better at looking good while being dysfunctional. Its called covert dysfunction. I also went through loads of therapy and the healthier I got, the more people I had to say good bye to in my life (friends and family) because healthy people just aren't able to really be ing equal relationships with unhealthy people.
I say this, not knowing anything about you. But its been the overall pattern I have seen in my life and those around me. And I point this out to you because I think you are wrong to paint him as the unhealthy one and somehow you are above all that. You aren't. There are reasons why you chose him. And you can dump him...but I promise you will fall for the same type of guy next time....even if you find one better able to act perfectly normal.
And I guess they take him being shy and not talkative or going out of his way to talk to anybody as being rude. He also was never raised with manners so doesn't overly say please and thank you with my family is like obsessed with using the words thank you.
I'm surprised you've never shared this side of him with them before. You should have told them about this, to give them an opportunity to show some understanding and be supportive. As for manners, well.... idk, OP, that's your call, I guess. I assume his table manners are normal....? He can learn to say "thank you" over time. But really, he needs some counseling to deal with the emotional barriers he seems to have. At that point, the please/thank you may come of their own accord.
To answer the question in your thread title, only you can decide if being with someone with this level of baggage would be worth making a long-haul commitment to. As long as he's happy when he's with you and isn't passive-aggressive or otherwise hurtful, and does his share generally, it doesn't seem like enough to call everything off. Here's a question: do you want kids? This is not a kids guy, you must be aware of that. If you were to make a lifelong commitment to him, kids shouldn't be in the future picture.
The truth is that he has serious emotional problems, and being the mothering type doesn't make that any easier to live with. It also could be code for "enabler."
Either way, IMHO you could leave him in hopes of finding someone less ... needy. Or you could explain to your family that he is damaged, which he appears to be, and that interacting with other people is not something he does well. Tell them that they should not take it personally, but that is just who he is.
You really should not have to stop hanging out with your family, so just let him stay home from now on. Tell your family that you love him, although from here it's hard to see why, and that even though he doesn't have anything against them, he doesn't mix well with others.
Hopefully they will understand and back off.
Do you think a future like this is worth it? It's a bit of work.
Thank you for your insight. I totally get what you're saying. I personally have some work to do from an abusive relationship I was in years ago and kind of pushed that under the rug (as in my family was like you're doing fine you've moved on) . I am going to get help for that soon.
They have never really experienced an individual who is quiet like him (coincidentally my ex was the other one they experienced and they disliked him too... for other reasons as well) so it is hard to have them understand and just let it go. They won't say anything to me unless I bring it up to them. I have talked about his issues and my mom has said it's really important for him to go to therapy and try to cope with things so he can move on. But when it's in the moment and happening, it's taken as he's being rude and is an a**hole.
I feel like its work because I also am very concerned about what my family thinks so I constantly feel the need to live up to their standards especially in a relationship.... boy that sounds like it's becoming more of a personal issues rather then my relationship issue haha
I'm surprised you've never shared this side of him with them before. You should have told them about this, to give them an opportunity to show some understanding and be supportive. As for manners, well.... idk, OP, that's your call, I guess. I assume his table manners are normal....? He can learn to say "thank you" over time. But really, he needs some counseling to deal with the emotional barriers he seems to have. At that point, the please/thank you may come of their own accord.
To answer the question in your thread title, only you can decide if being with someone with this level of baggage would be worth making a long-haul commitment to. As long as he's happy when he's with you and isn't passive-aggressive or otherwise hurtful, and does his share generally, it doesn't seem like enough to call everything off. Here's a question: do you want kids? This is not a kids guy, you must be aware of that. If you were to make a lifelong commitment to him, kids shouldn't be in the future picture.
I do want kids and he has a daughter. He loves kids and talks about wanting more. He says he would be totally different with a child back in his life because he gave up custody of his daughter years ago... or more like his ex took off with the child and got remarried. He hasn't coped with that.
When I talk about all this it sounds like a big clusterf***
I know that I have my own issues and by no means am I saying I'm healthy. And I am realizing it is unfair to him for me to pin this all on him and haven't got help myself. I am just able to supress it and put on a happy face easier then he is.
I do want kids and he has a daughter. He loves kids and talks about wanting more. He says he would be totally different with a child back in his life because he gave up custody of his daughter years ago... or more like his ex took off with the child and got remarried. He hasn't coped with that.
When I talk about all this it sounds like a big clusterf***
That's interesting. Often, people who didn't have parents in their lives, or who didn't have good parents aren't able to be good parents themselves. But then there are those who make an effort to be great parents, because they learned all about bad parenting, and want to be everything their parents weren't.
Do you think he'd be open to therapy? It would be an opportunity to heal, and to open up more to life. Sometimes people are afraid of going back in time and discussing painful stuff, because they're afraid of their own emotions. But a good therapist can ease that, and can help someone get all the anger and hurt out of their system, and move on to joy.
I do want kids and he has a daughter. He loves kids and talks about wanting more. He says he would be totally different with a child back in his life because he gave up custody of his daughter years ago... or more like his ex took off with the child and got remarried. He hasn't coped with that.
When I talk about all this it sounds like a big clusterf***
It is.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ttownbound627
I am just able to supress it and put on a happy face easier then he is.
That's not acceptable at all. It's not a healthy way to go through life.
Your family clearly has their radar finely tuned after your last relationship. Don't discount their concern. It's easy to see these types of situations as "relationship" problems when the reality is that we all bring our own problems to the relationship. Yes, you have issues too, but don't we all!
Honestly, it makes NO SENSE that someone who behaved the way he did at your parents' would "love kids." I'm sure he would WANT to be "totally different" with a baby, but that sounds like the desperate hope of someone who wants a baby to make them happy. I agree that you should use EXTREME caution so pregnancy doesn't muddy the waters right now.
Therapy for each of you would be my only advice. Whether you want to continue dating him after a few months of therapy is up to you.
That's not acceptable at all. It's not a healthy way to go through life.
Your family clearly has their radar finely tuned after your last relationship. Don't discount their concern. It's easy to see these types of situations as "relationship" problems when the reality is that we all bring our own problems to the relationship. Yes, you have issues too, but don't we all!
Honestly, it makes NO SENSE that someone who behaved the way he did at your parents' would "love kids." I'm sure he would WANT to be "totally different" with a baby, but that sounds like the desperate hope of someone who wants a baby to make them happy. I agree that you should use EXTREME caution so pregnancy doesn't muddy the waters right now.
Therapy for each of you would be my only advice. Whether you want to continue dating him after a few months of therapy is up to you.
Well there are no kids in my family just adults. ... the whole situation is just complicated. If I had no outside forces and it was him and I and no opinions of family or friends I would have no issues. Its when they put in their two sense all of my confidence issues start to come up and I get unsure. My family is just very close so their opinion matters to me.
Well there are no kids in my family just adults. ... the whole situation is just complicated. If I had no outside forces and it was him and I and no opinions of family or friends I would have no issues. Its when they put in their two sense all of my confidence issues start to come up and I get unsure. My family is just very close so their opinion matters to me.
So if the two of you lived on a deserted island somewhere, you believe that you would be able to live in bliss for an undetermined amount of time?
Given that both of you have unresolved trauma from your pasts, I honestly don't think even that would be possible. The truth is that pain like the two of you each harbor has a way of coming out and making itself known.
The point is that the two of you, as adults, should be able to interact for a few hours with other adults that you care about without encountering major problems.
Calling it your "confidence issues" doesn't lessen its importance. Please tread carefully and get professional help for yourself.
No I know its not a big a small thing and we both talked a lot about this after the holidays and both want to get help. Work on whatever issues that we both have and see if it works out and if it doesn't then we will part ways. In the meantime I just don't want to be made to feel like I'm crazy for trying to make it work when my family (specifically my sister) said that they have been more than understanding with his situation and have no interest in taking part in it anymore. I simply replied then maybe for now until his issues and mine improve with therapy we have to keep it separate but I'm not ready to walk away from it yet.
Its just so frustrating!
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