Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Hello all... coming to you for some advice from an anonymous outside source.
Background story: I have been dating my boyfriend for s little over a year. We are polar opposites- I'm a goody two shoes teacher who has my own business as well and always pushes for better. Raised by a great family and while I do feel different from my family members in beliefs and the way I want to live my life, for the most part we are very close and have no issues. Very social bunch. Boyfriend comes with A LOT and I mean a lot of baggage. Lots of family issues (didn't really have one and was in shelter care most of his life) and lost a daughter to her mother because birth certificate was never signed and she took off. Long story but has effected him deeply. He hasn't dealt with any of these things, just surpresses them. Which left him with tons it anxiety and social issues.. but he works his ass off to try and provide the most that he can.
So our relationship is not bad. We live together which I wanted and we get along fine. We split the bills and everything is good. We have a fine sex life everything is fine... it's when outside forces intervene is when there are problems.
My family has a real issue with how introverted he is. He has severe social anxiety and has a hard time being around my family due to the lack of what he had. It came to an all time peak yesterday (Christmas ) and he just made it very apparent he didn't want to be there. This offended my family so much that my sister said she didn't want anything to do with him anymore. This is tearih me apart because I know social anxiety and regular anxiety is a real thing that medically has to be treated. My family has no such issues and doesn't understand it, and they aren't understanding of his situation. They have made it very clear they want me to end it... but I am not ready to walk away. I suggested therapy as a last resort.
I am looking for some insight and advice on this situation... and please no cocky or mean comments. I greatly appreciate it!
Hello all... coming to you for some advice from an anonymous outside source.
Background story: I have been dating my boyfriend for s little over a year. We are polar opposites- I'm a goody two shoes teacher who has my own business as well and always pushes for better. Raised by a great family and while I do feel different from my family members in beliefs and the way I want to live my life, for the most part we are very close and have no issues. Very social bunch. Boyfriend comes with A LOT and I mean a lot of baggage. Lots of family issues (didn't really have one and was in shelter care most of his life) and lost a daughter to her mother because birth certificate was never signed and she took off. Long story but has effected him deeply. He hasn't dealt with any of these things, just surpresses them. Which left him with tons it anxiety and social issues.. but he works his ass off to try and provide the most that he can.
So our relationship is not bad. We live together which I wanted and we get along fine. We split the bills and everything is good. We have a fine sex life everything is fine... it's when outside forces intervene is when there are problems.
My family has a real issue with how introverted he is. He has severe social anxiety and has a hard time being around my family due to the lack of what he had. It came to an all time peak yesterday (Christmas ) and he just made it very apparent he didn't want to be there. This offended my family so much that my sister said she didn't want anything to do with him anymore. This is tearih me apart because I know social anxiety and regular anxiety is a real thing that medically has to be treated. My family has no such issues and doesn't understand it, and they aren't understanding of his situation. They have made it very clear they want me to end it... but I am not ready to walk away. I suggested therapy as a last resort.
I am looking for some insight and advice on this situation... and please no cocky or mean comments. I greatly appreciate it!
Your current relationship is "not bad."
Why did you want to live together?
FWIW, you should not allow your family to TELL YOU how to live your life, but you absolutely can expect you SO to be respectful to your family. An adult who is "trying" is able to be hospitable at a holiday gathering.
You shouldn't have let your family get involved, granted they have your best interests at heart but you should have put your foot down and told them to mind there own .
What did he do at Xmas that was so bad? Was he shy, withdrawn, or avoidant? Did they know in advance that he had social anxiety? Offhand, without knowing more, I'd say your family isn't very understanding. Unless he was overtly rude (vs. maybe just hiding out in the kitchen or with the TV), I don't see a problem. How did dinner go down? More info needed.
If this is your only problem as a couple, count your blessings.
FWIW, you should not allow your family to TELL YOU how to live your life, but you absolutely can expect you SO to be respectful to your family. An adult who is "trying" is able to be hospitable at a holiday gathering.
I mean not bad in the sense that it's not negative we enjoy our time together and I could really see myself being with him for the long run. My ex was really a quiet guy who also at social anxiety so this seems to be the type f I am attracted to. I am a very nurturing mothering type that likes to take care of people it's just Who I am.
And I mean trying as in he goes to these events but I kind of forced him to go yesterday as he really did not want to. Christmas is a really hard holiday for him as far as family events that have happened and situation with his daughter.
Yesterday he pretty much SAT there and didn't say barely anything and wanted to go the whole time it was very obvious. Which is why my mother and sister both made comments to me about how disrespected that they felt. Because of his social anxiety he doesn't seem to think that he did anything wrong because he was just being quiet I'm kind of sitting back and observing which is what he does in group gatherings.
And I wanted to live with him because we were together all of the time and I feel secure when I'm with him. We both really like spending time together and although we live together we work opposite schedules so the time we do have together is not too often.
What did he do at Xmas that was so bad? Was he shy, withdrawn, or avoidant? Did they know in advance that he had social anxiety? Offhand, without knowing more, I'd say your family isn't very understanding. Unless he was overtly rude (vs. maybe just hiding out in the kitchen or with the TV), I don't see a problem. How did dinner go down? More info needed.
If this is your only problem as a couple, count your blessings.
Maybe her family's opinion of him got in the way and made him " shy, withdrawn or avoidant " ?
What did he do at Xmas that was so bad? Was he shy, withdrawn, or avoidant? Did they know in advance that he had social anxiety? Offhand, without knowing more, I'd say your family isn't very understanding. Unless he was overtly rude (vs. maybe just hiding out in the kitchen or with the TV), I don't see a problem. How did dinner go down? More info needed.
If this is your only problem as a couple, count your blessings.
He basically sat back at Christmas Eve and didn't really sit with the group because there wasn't much room in our living room and was on his phone a lot. He doesn't really go out of his way to socialize but when people talk to him he does talk back. My family is not very understanding and they don't understand anxiety social anxiety and depression because no one in my family has it and if they do it's brushed off and not dealt with or it's seen as a get over it type of situation.
And we do argue about other things but they're really minor and their dropped within an hour or two. I just feel like his background and the issues that he has not dealt with are going to create a problem for the future. He has said the statement that he doesn't want to be a part of someone else's family when he doesn't even have one of his own that is supportive and cares about him.
And I guess they take him being shy and not talkative or going out of his way to talk to anybody as being rude. He also was never raised with manners so doesn't overly say please and thank you with my family is like obsessed with using the words thank you.
I am a very nurturing mothering type that likes to take care of people it's just Who I am.
The truth is that he has serious emotional problems, and being the mothering type doesn't make that any easier to live with. It also could be code for "enabler."
Either way, IMHO you could leave him in hopes of finding someone less ... needy. Or you could explain to your family that he is damaged, which he appears to be, and that interacting with other people is not something he does well. Tell them that they should not take it personally, but that is just who he is.
You really should not have to stop hanging out with your family, so just let him stay home from now on. Tell your family that you love him, although from here it's hard to see why, and that even though he doesn't have anything against them, he doesn't mix well with others.
Hopefully they will understand and back off.
Do you think a future like this is worth it? It's a bit of work.
I honestly believe that a "healthy" person and a "sick" person don't have relationships. One might appear more or less healthy. But it isn't how relationships actually work. This comes from someone who had a very dysfunctional childhood...married a man with an "ideal" family and childhood. Only to find out, though therapy, that his family was as dysfunctional as mine was. They were just better at looking good while being dysfunctional. Its called covert dysfunction. I also went through loads of therapy and the healthier I got, the more people I had to say good bye to in my life (friends and family) because healthy people just aren't able to really be ing equal relationships with unhealthy people.
I say this, not knowing anything about you. But its been the overall pattern I have seen in my life and those around me. And I point this out to you because I think you are wrong to paint him as the unhealthy one and somehow you are above all that. You aren't. There are reasons why you chose him. And you can dump him...but I promise you will fall for the same type of guy next time....even if you find one better able to act perfectly normal.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
