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Some quick background: both in late 20s, first relationship for both of us, have been together 3 years, have had some issues (particularly communication issues - I'm not great at sharing everything with her, and she usually shuts down and ignores me) and are currently going to couples counseling (not sure how much progress we've made).
The current issue: we only have sex around once a month. I'm generally not in the mood, for a combination of factors (I hate my job and it's stressful so when I get home I just want to relax; my sex-drive has generally gone down; I feel that the sessions last too long (45-50 minutes) and I get bored in the middle of them; she's gained a bit of weight since we first started dating, and I've lost some physical attraction to her; she has complained about her weight in the past but puts no effort into it, even though I try to encourage her to join me when working out, to eat healthier with me).
Well, last night she asked me why she always has to initiate sex/why we don't have it very often. I told her my sex-drive is generally lower, and thought that it was good to be honest, so I mentioned that I felt sessions were too long. She got incredibly mad right afterwards (my guess is because it came across as me not caring about her pleasure during sex? She's never orgasmed, but I don't believe she ever has on her own either, and I've certainly tried many different things with no success). She stormed off and wasn't willing to talk with me at all last night. I talked with a close friend and he said that next therapy session, we obviously need to discuss this. He also said that I should be fully honest and disclose the other reasons (weight and motivation) even though it might hurt a lot. Does that sound right? The therapy session isn't until the end of the week, how do I handle this before then? I mentioned communication issues above, and it's an issue for both of us.
Can offer more details about the relationship if needed.
Stop watching porn - it will kill any real sex drive you have.
Yes, be open with the counseling sessions as you cannot expect good things to happen when secrets are retained.
Go to a doctor, because, if it ain't porn, it is really unnatural to have lost your sex drive in your FIRST relationship in your late 20's.
Did I mention staying away from porn?
I've had periods of watching porn and not watching porn, and my sex drive didn't seem to fluctuate much, but point taken.
Thanks, this makes sense. I assume it won't go over well, but I guess there's no healing without the truth out there.
I've been searching for my own therapist (to deal with some of my own issues, including anxiety), but haven't had much luck finding one that fits with my schedule (needs to be on my insurance, and open either evenings or weekends). I'll have to put more time into looking them up.
Simple. Your physical attraction for her is gone and you just aren't into her anymore. You don't look at her, fantasize about her, or lust after her anymore. As a result, your sex drive is non existent.
If you watch porn, you have the drive...just not for her. Once a month and you can last nearly an hour?
Why do sessions last so long if it's not in the quest of her O? Nice and slow is good sometimes, but sometimes you just want to get in and out quickly (NPI).
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