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But should I have to explain my self to Emily?
Surely as a friend she would understand why I felt the need to keep the relationship under wraps for a while? Clearly I didn't want her to find out the way she did but she should understand why I didn't tell her
immediately.
Why should she understand why you didn't tell her? You probably told your other friends. Why not her? No excuse really. I wouldn't flatter yourself that she has feelings. Whether she does or doesn't, you isn't the point. At all.
Let’s be honest when someone gets in a relationship there opposite sex friendships even close ones fade for many reasons..it’s just the dynamic of it.
When a good friend of mine rejected me she told me how I’ll always be one of her best friends and I told her that’s probably not possible and how if she gets serious with the guy she’s talking to then we’re barely gonna see each other anymore and not be as close.
Of course I am still reeling from the hurt I went through with my ex wife, I am not over that but I don't feel anything for her anymore in the way of love, I am past that stage now and accepting of it.
I don't feel I have used Emily but accept I could have done things differently. I don't think it is using someone if you still contact them, and ask about their life even if it wasn't as regular as before.
If I dropped her completely I would understand where you are all coming from but this isn't the case.
My new partner, yes, it is quick but she is more to me than a rebound. The group brought us together and we have so much in common. I know we have an amazing future and its a light at the end of a dark tunnel. I know I am fortunate but I also know I need to sort things out with Emily.
It is saddening that you feel I am selfish and self absorbed. I do care about Emily and in hindsight understand that I could have done things differently but I am not a bad guy.
WELL, I could add what you put in an earlier response," I didn't Think" and just leave it at that.
but, you've shown your true colors several times.
The Victim, "Hey, I was the one cheated on here." not by Emily, so, treat her with respect.
She's only supposed to support, not judge, ( Why, who made her your caretaker?)
You are using women right now, Emily, whether theres an age difference or not, she's an adult woman that listened, shared, and empathized with you, cared and babysat for your GRANDchild. (How the hell you get to be a Grandfather without having a clue????)
The new lady, well, you rush into a relationship, you're looking at all the good, great fantastic feelings, the lust, the new communication, and instead of taking it slow, you're calling her your GF, Partner, (not just a new female friend) so, two new relationships in less than 6 months? Nah, youre like a basketball, REBOUNDING. From your history, this woman will fade soon.
And, to add to that, if you had no feelings of romance for Emily, you wouldn't have worried about hiding the second paramour from her. Wasn't to protect her feelings, you wanted your cake and eat it too.
Also, anyone you meet in a healing group of any kind, first rule of relationships, "Ya'll have too much in common and will naturally be brought together, overlooking any fundamental relationship criteria" It's like dating someone at work, you have a lot to talk about and you spend a lot of time together, but really, work brought you together, not chemistry.
You're basing a new relationship on the two of you being cheated on. Yes, you'll be attracted to each other. But, what do you have in common? Where did she go to High School, College? Major? Favorite color? Flower? what was her first pet's name. How does she spend money? is she a saver? or a spendthrift? You know she's a single parent, and the color of her panties. What do you really know?
NO FOUNDATION.
To be honest I thought it was just her illness making her quiet as I just hadn't considered she may have feelings for me. Things do seem clearer now although I do feel some of the replies are unnecessarily harsh.
I do care about Emily and am grateful to her. Our relationship has changed but that in time was always going to happen and I thought she understood that as there are times in life when you depend more on people but the contact eases as life improves.I don't feel guilty for not telling her about the relationship. I stand by the fact that I was allowed to take my time in who I told although I shouldn't have bent the truth, there was a reason behind it. Obviously I regret how she found out but that can't be taken back now unfortunately.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Blueplanet123
Can I repeat again, I did not ask her to babysit the other day, she offered as she knew I didn't have anyone else to help.
Dude, listen to yourself. Really, read your own words. You have an "answer" for everything that challenges or questions your motives and character. You deflect every bit of responsibility and place blame on everyone else but you. Do you not see that? Do you not grasp the problem with that?
It is a statistical impossibility for you to be right all of the time. Folks here on CDr are actually and literally trying to help you see and realize what you have done and are doing and the train wreck that's a comin' your way. We have no reason to harm you. How about stop your defensiveness and take a bit of time to at least consider what we have said to you?
Can I repeat again, I did not ask her to babysit the other day, she offered as she knew I didn't have anyone else to help.
She didn't know she was babysitting so you could go on a date. Why didn't you tell her the truth, or, if you weren't going on a date that night, why didn't you ask the new Girlfriend?
Didn't want to use her? Oh, no, that can't be it, cause you're not using Emily like that, right?
Let’s be honest when someone gets in a relationship there opposite sex friendships even close ones fade for many reasons..it’s just the dynamic of it.
When a good friend of mine rejected me she told me how I’ll always be one of her best friends and I told her that’s probably not possible and how if she gets serious with the guy she’s talking to then we’re barely gonna see each other anymore and not be as close.
She got mad at me but it’s the truth.
That's fair. But, OP failed to inform Ms. Emily that he had a GF. Instead, he just continued to use Emily when she was convenient for him to do so. Ain't nothing honorable about that. I despise users.
Can I repeat again, I did not ask her to babysit the other day, she offered as she knew I didn't have anyone else to help.
And you knew she'd been through/or was having a bad time herself and yet, when you found Truuu Luvvv – Ooh! New shiny relationship! I'm all better now! Bye!
She was a better friend to you than you were to her. She was sick and you "just thought" that's why she went silent? You didn't check on your sick friend?
I don't think she had romantic feelings for you. She found out you weren't as good a friend to her as she was to you.
Get back to us when you and the other magical unicorn run into your first wall. Because you will. Don't be surprised when your hurt feelings about your wife resurface.
You can try to apply reason to emotional things all you want but it rarely works out. Very different languages. You are trying to defend your conduct with rationalizations. However, all your long time good friend Emily knows is that she feels hurt, dropped, devalued, left behind. She may not even know exactly what category to put your relationship in and it may not matter. The take home message here and what is most important is that you HURT her. All the excuses in the world won't solve that one. You owe her a sincere apology for taking her for granted. You must also realize you have changed this relationship forever and lost a lot in the process. I hope you sit down with yourself, face up and 'fess up. If you don't, well, you've made your bed so get ready to sleep in it. A good dose of humility wouldn't hurt.
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