Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Trust those of us who, if we had the chance to do it over again knowing what the future would be, would turn and run.
There's that Lord Huron song about the guy trying to find a path back to the night they met:
"And then I can tell myself
What the hell I'm supposed to do
And then I can tell myself
Not to ride along with you"
That's how it feels.
Ohh Mightyqueen, how weird that you posted that. I was in a relationship with someone who has a drinking problem and that song was very meaningful to me around the time our relationship was breaking up.
To respond to OP, I highly recommend not getting into a relationship with an alcoholic. They are not emotionally available for a relationship and at best, you will feel neglected. At worst, it will ruin your life. Don't go there is my advice.
I know a couple where the wife is an alcoholic. When she gets drunk she hangs all over people. When she slips away from her husband at social events, he has to track her down. She gets very friendly, past the point of flirtation with other men.
It's to the point, her husband has to babysit her at social gatherings, I've seen them leave early due to her excessive drinking.
Here's your life: you will lie to people about why she didn't show up at work, or missed Thanksgiving dinner, or the kids' school play, or a family wedding or funeral, because you're ashamed to let people know the truth.
You will learn to drag a passed-out body across the floor or up a flight of stairs. You will have conversations that only you will remember. You will have injuries that only you will remember. You will wrack your brain trying to figure out how you can make another person SEE what they are doing to you and to themselves, and you will try everything to fix it, but you never will be able to say or do anything to make them stop drinking, because first and foremost above you and children and parents and everything, their addiction is the most important thing to them, and it must be protected.
And do not tell yourself that she has this great quality or that one, because it all gets drowned out by the bottle, and someday, if you find yourself at an Al-Anon meeting for those who love an alkie, you will listen to the stories as they go around the room, and except for names and faces, you will realize that they are ALL talking about the person you know, because alcoholics all become the same person.
Dang Mightyqueen801, you summed it up quite well!
Sounds all to familiar.
My ex loved to drink so much, it always came first you know...that i referred to myself as "the mistress".
He had his hand around that beer can more than he had it around me.
Here's your life: you will lie to people about why she didn't show up at work, or missed Thanksgiving dinner, or the kids' school play, or a family wedding or funeral, because you're ashamed to let people know the truth.
You will learn to drag a passed-out body across the floor or up a flight of stairs. You will have conversations that only you will remember. You will have injuries that only you will remember. You will wrack your brain trying to figure out how you can make another person SEE what they are doing to you and to themselves, and you will try everything to fix it, but you never will be able to say or do anything to make them stop drinking, because first and foremost above you and children and parents and everything, their addiction is the most important thing to them, and it must be protected.
And do not tell yourself that she has this great quality or that one, because it all gets drowned out by the bottle, and someday, if you find yourself at an Al-Anon meeting for those who love an alkie, you will listen to the stories as they go around the room, and except for names and faces, you will realize that they are ALL talking about the person you know, because alcoholics all become the same person.
so you think for sure that the issues I described are all full fledged alcoholic? not just someone going through a bad time?
the tough part for me is while I was dating her, I never really considered her an alcoholic
I dated someone that I was crazy about, but it was apparent she had addiction issues. I know below im mostly listing negative things, but I admired a lot about her and really enjoyed her company.
She was formerly in AA, still drank heavy, got fired from a previous job for gettign to drunk at work even t,and had a pending DUI. Also, I heavily suspected that she would secretly use other drugs while drinking sometimes.
Her behavior never directly effected our relationship. But, I mostly it caused me to not trust her as much. For example, there was a time or two we were supposed to hang out and she didn't respond for like 24 hours. And would later say she fell asleep at 6pm and would text me at 4pm the next day saying she was just waking up.
So, I figured she was just out getting wasted or something. and didn't give her the benefit of the doubt as much as normal.
When I look back on why the relationship didn't work, it is because I mostly interpreted her behaviors personally. Like when she would be distant like that, I'd interpret it as her blowing me off, potentially cheating, etc. But, I also remember seeing her text her best friend that she needed help/support right now. and I think she just had spiraled out of control and if i didn't take the behavior personally, i could of worked through things with her.
Question
so, given her alcohol issues. Would a healthy relationship of ever worked or was it doomed from the start?
Think about it, OP; how could there be a healthy relationship with someone who's ill like that? Someone whose illness forces them to lie and cover things up, withhold info from you, and to pretend to be someone they're not? Someone not capable of being reliable, and who covers up why they're not able to be reliable? How could you have a normal, healthy relationship with someone like that?
so you think for sure that the issues I described are all full fledged alcoholic? not just someone going through a bad time?
the tough part for me is while I was dating her, I never really considered her an alcoholic
Someone who reacts to stress by using alcohol will typically do so chronically, whenever stress arises. It's their only coping mechanism. From there, the use and abuse of it will become ordinary, escalating to daily, or if they're able to hold down a job (which your person apparently isn't), they'll binge drink on weekends.
From what you said she previously got fired but is working now. She keeps her house spotless. She doesn't behave like a drunk. She has a DUI pending but hasn't gotten another one. She's doing well now. Some people can be heavy drinkers their whole lives and fulfill all their responsibilities as spouses, parents, citizens and employees. You pointed out many of her qualities. Was she as crazy about you as you were about her? It is a moot subject now. If her drinking made you uncomfortable enought to split up, then it probably wouldn't have worked out for either of you.
I came of age in the 60's and everyone drank heavily and took drugs as well. It was the Madman era, and drinking was part of life. Most of us did well in life, raised families, retired, have grandkids. If you can control your drinking to the point that you do everything you are supposed to do, and it brings you pleasure, then what does it matter? If you can't then that's another story. But you can't predict if that will happen or not. Addiction is a medical problem as well as a psychological one, but most people who drink are not addicts. Most people who take drugs are not addicts.
From what you said she previously got fired but is working now. She keeps her house spotless. She doesn't behave like a drunk. She has a DUI pending but hasn't gotten another one. She's doing well now. Some people can be heavy drinkers their whole lives and fulfill all their responsibilities as spouses, parents, citizens and employees. You pointed out many of her qualities. Was she as crazy about you as you were about her? It is a moot subject now. If her drinking made you uncomfortable enought to split up, then it probably wouldn't have worked out for either of you.
I came of age in the 60's and everyone drank heavily and took drugs as well. It was the Madman era, and drinking was part of life. Most of us did well in life, raised families, retired, have grandkids. If you can control your drinking to the point that you do everything you are supposed to do, and it brings you pleasure, then what does it matter? If you can't then that's another story. But you can't predict if that will happen or not. Addiction is a medical problem as well as a psychological one, but most people who drink are not addicts. Most people who take drugs are not addicts.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
