Adult picky eater what to do about (husbands, young, separate)

[Mightyqueen801]

Originally Posted by AndCatsForAll

I'm in a new relationship and am living with a wonderfully fun, adventurous SO. We are going on around 10 months of living together. He's in his early 50's and I'm a half-decade behind him. He is a picky eater. I could be dropped anywhere on the globe and eat local cuisine happily. My list of shocking tried foods is above average. I can cook he cannot cook.

It's the only real issue we have and really it is MY issue and not his. He's perfectly happy not eating vegetables, having no seasoning, and only eating one type of bread. He doesn't like texture, food touching other foods etc. I need a variety of textures and colors and well nutrients!

I was concerned about this before he moved in and it hasn't gotten better. I don't want this to be a source of friction. I'm trying really hard not to pressure him to try my bread (for example). Since moving in with me he's returned to eating some of the vegetables he ate growing up. So instead of just liking corn and potato and peas he now eats carrots and green beans.

We went out to a restaurant with his family for someone's birthday. He ordered a meal with no vegetables but he grabbed a string bean off my plate and ate it. Four members of his family whipped out their cellphones and took pictures. His parents were just agog.

I'm not sure how to proceed. Again I feel this is my issue. He's happy (or seems so) eating this way. Although, I do worry it's unhealthy. He eats fast-food daily and will eat stouffers frozen things or pizza for dinner if I don't cook something he likes. Fine. He's not forcing me to change my ways so I shouldn't force him either.

But then he seems proud to be eating more vegetables than he used to. He was married before and his wife at the time also was a picky eater. They never cooked. Meals were brought in or simple things like frozen meatballs and pasta or sandwiches. He went years without vegetables.

I admit that I'm frustrated. He doesn't cook and truly doesn't care about meals for the week. So I try to plan meals and frequently I spend too many hours agonizing over what to make that we can both eat. Economically we aren't in a position to be eating totally different things and I don't have the time or kitchen space to prepare two separate meals but I don't like the alternative of him eating more highly processed unhealthy foods at his age.

I bring this up from time to time but it's increasing in frequency because I'm restricting my diet too much.
Meals focused on BBQ meat as the main and tiny veggie side with mashed potato or white rice is not nutrient-rich enough for me. Worse than that are burger nights or hotdog nights. I don't want to force him to try new foods but I am worried about his health. So many men in his age group have heart attacks. He's a bit overweight but in ok shape, because he's got an active job but at home he lays down a lot and watches tv. So if he were ever to retire...I know his health is going to take a hit eventually.

I want to try to talk to him and find out if he is happy with things as they are or if he wants to make a slow change. I'm getting mixed signals on that. I also want to know how we can work together so that we can both be happy with what we are eating and for my greedy part- I want some of the pressure of always being the one to cook and plan meals to come off of me. But I know that as a picky eater this is a sensitive topic for him. I don't want him to feel attacked or like I am nagging.

I've done research on picky eating and selective eating disorders but there's mostly guidance for self-help. Not much for the people who live with them. Can anyone relate or have any advice or guidance they can offer?

This is codependent behavior, when you are taking someone else's issue and making it yours and trying to "fix" someone else. It's not that different from adjusting your life to work around someone who drinks too much, except of course it's less dangerous for both of you, and your boyfriend isn't going to crack up his car because he didn't eat his broccoli.

This is a relationship or psychology issue, not really about food and drink. I have been in the same position, so I understand the problem, and I've even mused about starting a thread about couples who don't eat the same way in Relationships.

When I met my current partner, I was in my fifties, he was in his sixties, and he was similar to your boyfriend. VERY limited in what he would eat, particularly when it came to vegetables. And at the time, I was a vegetarian. Not only did he eat mostly meat, it was the worst stuff I could think of. Sausages, cured meats (cottage roll, which is a brined hunk of pork that tastes like corned beef, and peameal bacon, neither of which I had ever heard of before). Even better, he made this thing that I will phonetically call stujenitz. It's pork and beef bones that are boiled down until this foam forms on the top, which is skimmed off. Takes all day. Then you let it cool, pull out the bones, and stick it in the fridge where it gels into a sort of cold jelled soup with bits of meat in it. Spoon it into a bowl, add salt, pepper, vinegar and enjoy. Gag, right?

Along the way in our early days, I started eating fish again. So that was something we could share. Eventually I did start eating meat again, partly for the way I felt and also because there is something about a couple sharing meals that gets lost when you eat so differently, which is what I think is at the root of your distress.

I did learn that while he didn't care for most vegetables, it turned out he was always up for a salad. And he'd eat broccoli and cauliflower with a dip if it was raw. And then he decided one day that he liked Brussels sprouts after all.

The way we worked it out is that he would be in charge of cooking whatever hunk of meat he wanted, and i would do sides. So I'd make a lot of vegetables and things I liked, and he might eat some of them, or he might not. I made sure I was eating what I needed and wanted, and yes, there were days when he really wanted to eat some fried Ukrainian or Polish pork thing on a stick that I couldn't stomach, and I'd have something different. And I still had some meals that were just vegetarian, and he even tried and ate some of them with me. In fact, he HAD some vegetarian meals in his repertoire; for example, when he was growing up, perogies were a meal unto themselves, not a side dish (I never actually ate a perogi until within the last ten years). Of course, when he could find it, he'd add shkvarky, which is essentially fried pork fat/bacon.

The worst discrepancy between us is that while I am not Italian by a long shot, I love Italian food, which is plentiful and good where I come from. And he--he puts butter, ketchup, and parmesan cheese on pasta and hates real tomato sauce. I have Italian friends on Staten Island who wanted to hunt him down and force their homemade sauce into him. I didn't tell them that he once made "chicken parmesan" with Havarti.

When I met him, my bf was already ten years past a heart attack after which he'd had a stent put in. I'd already had a marriage to a real live alcoholic, had gotten past codependency via therapy, and recognized that it was not my job to make sure he ate properly. He was a 65-year-old man and knew what he was putting in his body, and I was done trying to fix people.

As it turned out, he developed a neurological condition caused by the immune system's reaction to a lung cancer we didn't know was even there, but his heart seems just fine. We now eat a lot of different meals because of his swallowing issues, but I still try to share whatever foods we can both enjoy. However, I am still not going to put aside my own food preferences. I make a mess of my favorite vegetables, keep them in the fridge, and reheat as needed.

Good luck to you as you learn to adjust to a picky eater.

And one more thing. Stujenitz is actually very tasty.

[Sonic_Spork]

I agree that this is more of a relationships or psychology issue.

I think I felt compelled to share my feelings about my life as a picky eater, because I wish this OP (and maybe others) might have a little bit more empathy. I fully am willing to acknowledge that it is a psych issue, but there's not a pill you can take to treat it, like depression or something, there isn't some kind of easy peasy therapy or quick fix for it, and "just change" is not really a good working solution for many of us. Also? Just because something is a psych issue does not mean that it isn't REAL to the person who is experiencing it. That, I think, is so hard for non-picky eaters to understand. Because it's not their reality, they cannot imagine why or how it would be someone else's.

And they also assume that a picky eater is going to be demanding a ton of accommodation from them, like the guy on the vacation who didn't like anything that didn't taste just like his Mom made... OK that is extreme. Most of us are not like that, especially most who have been independent adults for a while.

Frankly a picky eater who expects another person to revolve their life around them, like, cook for them the way their Mom did or ruin a trip because they are being a pain about food... That is way more than a "picky eating problem." That is an inconsiderate person or one with really crappy relationship skills, in my opinion.

The picky eater, who is a grown-arse-adult, had better be prepared to make their own food. But in all honesty as the woman in my relationship, I am happy in a way that my husband and I eat different foods and fend for ourselves, because I already got through a codependent and abusive relationship and raised two kids that I wish were more independent than they are, and I am SICK TO DEATH of waiting on other people and serving their needs. I just want to take care of me, at this point, at least for a while. So husband taking care of his own food is GREAT. Once in a while I make something that will work with whatever diet he's on at the moment and that he likes, and if I'm doing that, I'll let him know and he is welcome to share it, but this isn't a common occurrence.

But like most health issues whether they be mental or physical health, most people I think who are functional adults have learned that it's their responsibility to manage their issue, not anybody else's. I once was talking to a friend with epilepsy, the kind that is triggered by flashing lights, and it occurred to me that I had a strobe I used to use in my Halloween display and I asked her, "should I nix that in the future? Seems that could set people off and I don't really intend to do that..." She said, no, do what you want, people with epilepsy know how to take responsibility for keeping themselves safe and what to avoid, it isn't my problem. She was serious and insistent about this.

I feel the same way about my picky eating. And a psychological issue or divergent trait isn't just imaginary made-up imaginary nonsense. It isn't someone coming up with some annoying BS on purpose just to force others to accommodate them/us. That's the impression I get from those who get upset about it. Anyone who is MAKING it like that, has OTHER problems related to a lack of respect and decency to other people. You can get into personality disorder territory when someone leverages their divergence to manipulate others.

To the relationships part though, it seemed to me like OP wanted a way to be kind about this and did not want to give up on the relationship. So I think that increased understanding and kind spirited adjustments to the way that they do things (and a doctor's visit) make more sense for them, than "Well I could never be with a picky eater, what a total pain that would be." Like that "advice"/opinion would make more sense if they were on date #1, 2 or 3. Not when they just moved in together.

[MGS4EVER]

Why not just prep his food in advance, whatever he likes to eat, and then make what you want to eat and re-heat his. I understand it's not as fun, but at least he would be happy and you could still eat whatever you wanted. You could make a roast and potatoes, portion it out for the week and re-heat. It's not hard.

I had to meal prep my food because I was on a separate nutrition plan to get fit. So I cooked for my family, and re-heated my food. No big deal, and everyone was happy.

[Flamingo13]

Originally Posted by MGS4EVER

Why not just prep his food in advance, whatever he likes to eat, and then make what you want to eat and re-heat his. I understand it's not as fun, but at least he would be happy and you could still eat whatever you wanted. You could make a roast and potatoes, portion it out for the week and re-heat. It's not hard.

I had to meal prep my food because I was on a separate nutrition plan to get fit. So I cooked for my family, and re-heated my food. No big deal, and everyone was happy.

WHY should she do that? He is a grown man and should be capable of preparing and cooking his own food.

[gentlearts]

I’ve written many times about our FWDLA (friends who don’t like anything). Their food preferences are so hard to keep track of, if we hadn’t moved away from them, we would have had to drop them. She hates lemons, but likes Lemon meringue pie, she always complains about her meal and drink in any restaurant....sometimes sends it back twice. She’ll eat fish if it’s not “fishy”. If she’s never tasted something, she “doesn’t like it”.

He doesn’t like vegetables or mayonnaise or shellfish, but he is slightly more open to trying things. They are both at least 100# overweight.

I would lose my mind if I had to cook for either of them.

[Jkgourmet]

Originally Posted by Retriever

+1
When I was a kid, my mother used to say, "This isn't a cafeteria. We all eat the same meals, and we all eat together".

Even traveling with a picky eater is a trying experience. Many years ago, I took a vacation trip with a friend, and I learned just how picky his eating habits were. I knew that he didn't eat any vegetables (except for potatoes and corn), and that his favorite foods were pork chops and meatloaf, so I made sure that the first restaurant we went to had pork chops on the menu. He instantly disliked them because they had a "hammy taste".

The next night, I purposely steered us to a decidedly downscale restaurant because it was one of the few places with meatloaf on the menu. He hated the meatloaf because, "It doesn't taste like my mother's meatloaf".

At the next resto, he ordered the Veloute aux Champignons, which the menu translated as Cream of Mushroom soup for those who weren't proficient in the French language. He hated it because it tasted "mushroomy".

Another night, he ordered one of his favorite dishes--Fried Chicken. He didn't like it because, "It doesn't taste like my mother's Fried Chicken".

While I continued to be friends with him for several more years, I knew enough to never again travel with him. Just the thought of living with someone like that is... not pleasant.

I totally get what you mean! There are two couples that we are friendly with that I won't invite to our home for dinner anymore. One wouldn't eat his rib-eye steak until it had gone back of the grill 3 times and became grey cardboard, with zero juice when he cut into it. The other is semi-vegetarian, with a boyfriend who we were told can't eat dairy. I cooked the absolute worst meal I've ever cooked, with garlic bread for DH and I. The boyfriend had 3 pieces.


Then we have the neighbor who suddenly became gluten free at the age of 68, but will eat items with gluten "as a splurge" (read - at least 2X a week). And she says she's allergic to pork.

[tasmtairy]

My situation is different as I have an IBD, going on 5 years. My good friends (2) know about it. I still get questioned when at a situation where there is a lot of food. It's not something you blurt out to strangers, especially while you are eating. Dairy free, fiber free, gluten free. I'm quite the carnivore. So I just manage the best I can. It would be quite difficult to live with someone who loved spicy food, and other of my no no's. Had a friend who would say, Just one bite, just try it. That could be devastating for me. We are not friends anymore. No one is going to force me to eat what I can't or don't like. I'm perfectly fine cooking my own food, my friends will even prepare something just for me if they think they are having something that won't agree with me.

Just let him eat what he wants!

[Formerly Known As Twenty]

Some more thoughts for the O.P. based on my past experiences cooking for those who have dietary concerns (allergies/sensitivities/vegetarians/vegans),who are selective eaters, or have certain food preferences/dislikes...

I've found that the best way to handle this is to first determine what food(s) or food preparations those who will eating at my table *don't* like or cannot eat. In my experience, it's far easier to plan around someone's dislike than their likes. With few exceptions, there usually ends up being a kind of Venn diagram where things that everyone will eat or at least try overlap enough to plan meals that will work for all. If there's someone at the table who doesn't do combination foods like casseroles, jambalaya, stir fries and the like, I simply don't serve that style of food and choose to present the various components of the meal family-style (usually two vegetables, a starch, some sort of protein, bread, and dessert) so everyone can just help themselves to what they want and leave behind what they don't want.

There's no sense in turning the dinner table into a battleground. I've often found that when foods are presented as a "soft sell," so to speak, people who previously thought that they didn't like a given food will often give it a go on their own. When cooking for those who have food sensitivities, allergies, or special diets, so long as I'm made aware of those issues in advance of preparation, I can still usually put together a meal that everyone can enjoy without worry.

Long story short: if eating together is important to you, O.P., it might be worth giving the family-style take-it-or-leave-it method and see how that works for you and your man.

[ss20ts]

He is an adult. Leave him alone! I am a picky eater and if someone started harping on me, we would have words. Nothing is stopping you from making some vegetables for yourself. If he doesn't want them then he doesn't want them. You're not his mother. He already had one who had to deal with his eating habits. I don't eat cooked vegetables. I still cook them for my partner. They eat them and I don't. Life if good.

[ss20ts]

Originally Posted by mustangman66

I dont understand adults that are picky eaters. There are certainly some foods that I dont like but if served will eat them without complaint...thats what we do as adults. When I am alone is when I can choose what I do and do not want to eat.

Because I'm an adult I do not eat things I don't enjoy. If you serve them to me, I won't eat them. It's that simple. Again I am an adult.

Being a picky eater isn't something we do for fun or to annoy people. Most of us have sensory or psychological issues. If I eat boiled carrots, I gag and vomit from them. I can't eat many foods because the texture makes me gag. The taste is something that can also make me gag. I tried over 20 new to me foods last year and gagged on most. I spit in the sink a few times. I gave up trying new things. Not a single one could I get down.