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IF when she stops putting herself aside to coddle to his limits he whines ands stamps his feet instead of being a big boy and finding his own food and letting her eat hers, then she'll know she has a real problem.
She clearly states in her post that he's fine with providing for himself, she just doesn't approve of the choices he makes (frozen pizza and hot dogs, as I recall).
Again, I can't see passing up an otherwise perfect (for you) partner over this, but to each his or her own!
The other thing about this being different because it's an established relationship is:
Even if I agreed that she should leave him (which I don't)...people generally don't make that decision because strangers on the internet told them that they should. Even when it's worse and say, there's abuse, if you tell someone who has not yet made that decision, and isn't ready to leave, that they "need to just leave"...they will not. That is a personal decision that an individual arrives at on their own time. I know this from experience and a few posters here have been around long enough that they were the ones telling ME I should leave my first husband, and I wasn't hearing it and I wasn't doing it, until I had reached that point on my own for my own reasons.
So they can say it...if they want...kind of a waste of time, though. Because I really do not get the impression that our OP is standing at that crossroads, at this time.
Now by all means, should she have greater cause to contemplate moving on, the fact that this is a point of tension (and he isn't likely to change in a huge way from how he is)...might be a factor for her to consider. But she's not going to make that choice because of anything that people are saying here.
Those who take that kind of advice show up saying, "I'm ready to leave, here's my rationale, tell me how right I am!" more or less.
Those who take that kind of advice show up saying, "I'm ready to leave, here's my rationale, tell me how right I am!" more or less.
I kind of think that's what she's saying... Why else post this, especially where originally posted, on the Food and Drink forum where only serious foodies will respond? She can't honestly believe anyone will have any "suggestions" that she hasn't already thought of or tried and that he's going to completely change beyond what he's already done, which is to occasionally humor her by trying some foreign substance, which by the way is more of a compromise than she's apparently made.
I kind of think that's what she's saying... Why else post this, especially where originally posted, on the Food and Drink forum where only serious foodies will respond? She can't honestly believe anyone will have any "suggestions" that she hasn't already thought of or tried and that he's going to completely change beyond what he's already done, which is to occasionally humor her by trying some foreign substance, which by the way is more of a compromise than she's apparently made.
I think she was genuinely hoping that either picky eaters who have successfully expanded their diets, and/or people who have worked with picky eaters in their lives with any success, might actually have suggestions.
I did not see anything in any of her posts suggesting that she was ready to bail on the relationship. When you are ready to do that, you're looking for "how do I break it to them?" or there would be far more detail on the many pros and cons she is weighing in various factors she likes and dislikes about him, or questions about how to plan her exit.
Seriously, not only from my own situation but from so many years of participation in the Relationships boards, I know what the tenor of those thought processes looks like. It ain't this. This was the plea of someone who genuinely still wants to try to make this work.
She may shift in a different direction at some point, sure, but I really don't think it will be because anyone here said, "he won't change, he'll always be picky, you need to leave."
I think she also wanted some input on whether the things she's attempting are worth the effort she's putting into them, or if they probably won't result in any shifts, and whether she is being unreasonable or pushy, etc.
I'm just trying to say that there is more to the picture, than our own strong opinions about picky eating or whatever...I was also trying to meet her where she was at and give her insight that may or may not help (though I did get a bit distracted at times by the picky eating subject, too.) Established relationships are multi-faceted things. Only she can determine how it all weighs in the balance.
To me this is like saying, "If you're really into photography, he had better be, too!" It's OKAY to have separate interests and passions. I think we've really reached the point where we can't tolerate others having their own opinions or doing their own thing. We're always reading on these forums that it's okay, even desirable, to go to restaurants and dine alone -- so go to a restaurant and dine alone! Let him eat his McD's.
On the other hand, if you insist on togetherness in all things and want to live like bookends, he's not for you.
If my husband was a meat and potato guy, we would probably not be compatible. It's kinda indicative of a general mindset and openness to new things.
He's traveled to over 60 countries, so he has no problem with me cooking a wide array of foods, he also has no trouble eating vegetarian, tofu.... not much is off his experience list, and he is always open to trying new things. Which also represents how is about most things.
Also, if he wanted fast food all the time, probably wouldn't be compatible either. He is more health orientated, like I am.
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I'm in a new relationship and am living with a wonderfully fun, adventurous SO. We are going on around 10 months of living together. He's in his early 50's and I'm a half-decade behind him. He is a picky eater. I could be dropped anywhere on the globe and eat local cuisine happily. My list of shocking tried foods is above average. I can cook he cannot cook.
It's the only real issue we have and really it is MY issue and not his. He's perfectly happy not eating vegetables, having no seasoning, and only eating one type of bread. He doesn't like texture, food touching other foods etc. I need a variety of textures and colors and well nutrients!
I was concerned about this before he moved in and it hasn't gotten better. I don't want this to be a source of friction. I'm trying really hard not to pressure him to try my bread (for example). Since moving in with me he's returned to eating some of the vegetables he ate growing up. So instead of just liking corn and potato and peas he now eats carrots and green beans.
We went out to a restaurant with his family for someone's birthday. He ordered a meal with no vegetables but he grabbed a string bean off my plate and ate it. Four members of his family whipped out their cellphones and took pictures. His parents were just agog.
I'm not sure how to proceed. Again I feel this is my issue. He's happy (or seems so) eating this way. Although, I do worry it's unhealthy. He eats fast-food daily and will eat stouffers frozen things or pizza for dinner if I don't cook something he likes. Fine. He's not forcing me to change my ways so I shouldn't force him either.
But then he seems proud to be eating more vegetables than he used to. He was married before and his wife at the time also was a picky eater. They never cooked. Meals were brought in or simple things like frozen meatballs and pasta or sandwiches. He went years without vegetables.
I admit that I'm frustrated. He doesn't cook and truly doesn't care about meals for the week. So I try to plan meals and frequently I spend too many hours agonizing over what to make that we can both eat. Economically we aren't in a position to be eating totally different things and I don't have the time or kitchen space to prepare two separate meals but I don't like the alternative of him eating more highly processed unhealthy foods at his age.
I bring this up from time to time but it's increasing in frequency because I'm restricting my diet too much.
Meals focused on BBQ meat as the main and tiny veggie side with mashed potato or white rice is not nutrient-rich enough for me. Worse than that are burger nights or hotdog nights. I don't want to force him to try new foods but I am worried about his health. So many men in his age group have heart attacks. He's a bit overweight but in ok shape, because he's got an active job but at home he lays down a lot and watches tv. So if he were ever to retire...I know his health is going to take a hit eventually.
I want to try to talk to him and find out if he is happy with things as they are or if he wants to make a slow change. I'm getting mixed signals on that. I also want to know how we can work together so that we can both be happy with what we are eating and for my greedy part- I want some of the pressure of always being the one to cook and plan meals to come off of me. But I know that as a picky eater this is a sensitive topic for him. I don't want him to feel attacked or like I am nagging.
I've done research on picky eating and selective eating disorders but there's mostly guidance for self-help. Not much for the people who live with them. Can anyone relate or have any advice or guidance they can offer?
You are his girlfriend, right? Not his mother.
1. stop fretting over what he eats. He is a grown arse man.
2. stop cooking for him. Cook what you want for you. He dosent like it/want it he can prepare/purchase/microwave his own meals.
Your partner has an eating disorder, ARFID, which is a serious psychiatric illness found in the DSM-5. It is also close associated with autism.
Help is available. If he doesn't want help, you will have to watch him get sicker and die, I'm afraid. Untreated eating disorders have a high fatality rate.
Your partner has an eating disorder, ARFID, which is a serious psychiatric illness found in the DSM-5. It is also close associated with autism.
Help is available. If he doesn't want help, you will have to watch him get sicker and die, I'm afraid. Untreated eating disorders have a high fatality rate.
Yes, you can characterize most adults who are highly selective eaters, picky, or avoidant of specific kinds of food, using these terms. And it IS psychological, generally.
Though again, technically by the writing of the linked article, vegans and vegetarians fall under this category...it presents this idea that a person has a "disorder" when they persistently refuse to eat any specific type of food. But in fact, one could very easily do that and be perfectly healthy and I refuse to believe that they are required to conform to some American norm of "stuff your face with every edible thing presented to you at all times"...that is not healthier or better in my opinion and I'm sticking to that. No "normal" American eater gets to scold me when this country has a crisis of obesity and my body is perfectly healthy. I'm good, thanks.
I don't believe that anyone is obligated to eat anything because someone else wants them to, nor that any person is entitled to tell someone else what to eat, nor that someone who refuses to eat something they don't want to eat is necessarily "disordered" and must be fixed. I'd be a terrible candidate for this kind of therapy. I am not willing to change.
Which brings me to the other very important element to look at with any determination of mental illness, disorder, dysfunction, or even addiction... Is the person experiencing distress or dysfunction (inability to work, to do social things they want to do, or have quality relationships*) to such a degree that they want to work on this? If the person doesn't feel that they have a problem, and they don't want help or to change, then no amount of seeing professionals is going to help them or make them change anyways.
But the * is to look at this situation OP has presented us with. Her partner DOES want to change, though it won't be as easy as flipping a switch, he IS willing to work with her on this. Clearly he wants this relationship to succeed and does not want her to feel bad because of this difference between them. So, since these two specific people are both willing to put in some effort, she may in fact have success in urging him to get professional help to overcome this.
(Edit...and I ask for some forbearance on bringing my own personal take in on it because it's ^this^ part that matters...me saying that "this therapy wouldn't work for me and blah blah" is honestly on the equal/opposite par of those saying, "I could never date a picky eater"...these perspectives don't accurately parallel OP or her fella very well where they seem to be at.)
Last edited by Sonic_Spork; 10-26-2022 at 01:40 PM..
Your partner has an eating disorder, ARFID, which is a serious psychiatric illness found in the DSM-5. It is also close associated with autism.
Help is available. If he doesn't want help, you will have to watch him get sicker and die, I'm afraid. Untreated eating disorders have a high fatality rate.
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