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I realize that not all women that I am interested in are going to be interested in me. But why do women instead of simply saying that they just aren't interested invent a phantom boyfriend and use the phantom boyfriend as the pretext for not wanting to date me? This just strikes me as a completely unnecessary lie, but is that actually the case? Is it an unneccessay lie or is there something here that I am missing? What problems is this lie trying to solve for women?
How do you know they are phantom boyfriends? Unless the person you ask out is well known to you or in your friend group?
As others have already said, sometimes it's because they don't want to hurt the guys feelings.
As a person that has declined dates and had the guy then want to know precisely why, and raise his voice in argument as to why he wasn't being given a chance , yes I have used the I am seeing someone excuse. It's best used on cold approaches, because if a person knows you they know your status.
Also, if it's an unexpected approach a better excuse has not been prepared. Yes, it would be nice if everyone could just say not interested and have that be the end of it, but you be would be surprised at the begging that can go one when someone is trying to get you to change your mind. And sometimes anger when that doesn't happen.
Does that really work? It would be a huge red flag in my eyes. If he doesn't respect the boundaries of my 'current relationship', then why would I ever expect him to respect them if we ended up dating? That kind of comment would get someone permanently removed as a possibility.
The O.P. is wrestling with uncertainty rooted in his suspicion that women are being dishonest with him. The solution I proposed was designed to address the uncertainty...since it is the O.P. that I was trying to help.
If the O.P. had instead posted "how can I make life as pleasant as possible for the women who would prefer that I die alone?" then I might have offered an alternate solution.
I suspect the difference here might be that you are viewing the dilemma in a context of this one single exchange (IE helping this one gal make her escape)...while I am taking a more macro approach. What if the O.P. timidly retreats from a lifetime of similar rejections (some of which are sure to be superficial) and ends up 50 yrs old and alone, wondering if he didn't "try hard enough"? My suggestion at least gives him the comfort of knowing he's got game.
As the old lyric goes "women seem wicked, when you're unwanted..."
I realize that not all women that I am interested in are going to be interested in me. But why do women instead of simply saying that they just aren't interested invent a phantom boyfriend and use the phantom boyfriend as the pretext for not wanting to date me? This just strikes me as a completely unnecessary lie, but is that actually the case? Is it an unneccessay lie or is there something here that I am missing? What problems is this lie trying to solve for women?
This is an interesting question...and an interesting topic.
First of all, how do you know they DON'T have boyfriends?
Second of all, it's an 'interesting' conundrum for women. I'm not saying YOU would be this way, but there are guys out there who simply can't take "no thank you" for an answer. The conversations can go like this "Hey pretty lady, can I get your number?" "Oh, thank you, but no thanks. I don't give my number out to people I don't know." "Oh come on! I'm a great guy! What? I'm not good enough for you? You *****, you think you're better than me?"
There are plenty of men who don't respect a woman's right to her own autonomy. But if she says something like "Oh, I'm flattered, but I have a boyfriend." Somehow men seem to respect some other guy's ownership over this woman, and they leave the woman alone.
Plenty of women have been harassed or molested by guys. Certainly not all, but...if I don't know you...I have to make a split second decision. "I have a boyfriend" is often the safest route to take.
This was exactly what I was looking for. Thank you!
This again is really helpful thank you.
I got shot down yesterday in a situation where I suspect that her 'boyfriend' is completely made up and that is what prompted the thread, but in the past I have asked out women who said they had boyfriends but then later agreed to date someone else that I knew.
The phantom boyfriend story is something that just kind of gets on my nerves because it seems so unnecessary to me, but actually understanding why women feel a need to tell me this lie kind of gives me some insight into what negative impressions I might unintentionally be giving off to women too.
If I were you, I wouldn't take it too personally. There's a good chance she's not looking for ANY kind of involvement for whatever reasons. Could be she's in a bar, and doesn't want to get into it with someone who's been drinking...maybe she just isn't comfortable with cold approaches, or she's there with girlfriends...it can be for so many reasons.
I would have assumed that is normally the case, a social pleasantry. But it sounds like a lot of the women on here have a really negative attitude towards men.
A lot of us women have had really bad experiences with some men.
If I were you, I wouldn't take it too personally. There's a good chance she's not looking for ANY kind of involvement for whatever reasons. Could be she's in a bar, and doesn't want to get into it with someone who's been drinking...maybe she just isn't comfortable with cold approaches, or she's there with girlfriends...it can be for so many reasons.
Yes, imo it's foolish for a woman to look for a relationship in a bar.
This is an interesting question...and an interesting topic.
First of all, how do you know they DON'T have boyfriends?
Second of all, it's an 'interesting' conundrum for women. I'm not saying YOU would be this way, but there are guys out there who simply can't take "no thank you" for an answer. The conversations can go like this "Hey pretty lady, can I get your number?" "Oh, thank you, but no thanks. I don't give my number out to people I don't know." "Oh come on! I'm a great guy! What? I'm not good enough for you? You *****, you think you're better than me?"
Exactly! Meanwhile, if the guy approaches a woman being a stranger to her, knowing nothing about her life at the moment, he runs the risk of being rejected.
Maybe she just lost a parent/friend and has no interest in dating...
Maybe she's in school with a heavy courseload and is focused on her studies...
Maybe she just got out of another relationship and wants time to heal...
...and any other host of reasons.
But the point is, that she shouldn't have to explain herself as to why she's not interested in *you*, only for *you* to try to convince her that she's somehow "wrong" for rejecting *your* advances.
NO means NO, and that should suffice.
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There are plenty of men who don't respect a woman's right to her own autonomy. But if she says something like "Oh, I'm flattered, but I have a boyfriend." Somehow men seem to respect some other guy's ownership over this woman, and they leave the woman alone.
Plenty of women have been harassed or molested by guys. Certainly not all, but...if I don't know you...I have to make a split second decision. "I have a boyfriend" is often the safest route to take.
Yes, imo it's foolish for a woman to look for a relationship in a bar.
We went to bars to have fun, not to meet men.
Same here. But women should be able to go to a bar and have a drink after a long hard day just like a guy might. If she's not interested in getting hit on...than she might probably trot out the "I have a BF"
But that said...I've been approached in a bar, and it turned into a relationship. The guy chatted me up for a good long time, before he asked me for my number. He was funny, friendly, flirty...and he chatted me up for a couple of hours before he asked for my phone number. It wasn't what I would call a "cold approach". He made me interested.
I realize that not all women that I am interested in are going to be interested in me. But why do women instead of simply saying that they just aren't interested invent a phantom boyfriend and use the phantom boyfriend as the pretext for not wanting to date me? This just strikes me as a completely unnecessary lie, but is that actually the case? Is it an unneccessay lie or is there something here that I am missing? What problems is this lie trying to solve for women?
They are trying to not hurt your feelings by saying they have a boyfriend. However, if you meet on a dating site that would be a dead giveaway that they are lying, could even be cheating. Who knows, but the answer to your question is that they have a hard time being honest with themselves or anyone else. It's like the guy in AA who says "Hi. I'm Alan and I'm whatever God says I am." This person cannot be totally honest with himself or anyone else. He cannot admit that he's an alcoholic and these women cannot say "why" they aren't interested. But you also need to realize that their dis-interest may have nothing at all to do with you personally, ie: hair, build, personality, etc. It could be that they just don't have a connection or physical attraction and that is something they can't help. Either attraction is there or it isn't, doesn't matter if you're a super model or a regular looking run of the mill average looking person. Don't take this seriously and certainly don't let this bother you as it appears it has.
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