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But it's the reason that some may not be into you that seems to matter to many. Some guys think that there's NO REASON that's "good enough" for a woman NOT to date him.
Probably not to everyone. I mean, define a "bad" past...
Sometimes, all it takes is ONE guy to come on too strong...then again, she may have 'heard' that some guys come on too strong, and figure, 'I may as well beat them to the punch'...
And you know...sometimes it can just be so random. I mean REALLY random, and has nothing really, to do with the guy. Seriously. Like "I shouldn't have eaten that cheese pizza earlier. My lactose intolerance is messing with my gut. Oh...what? You want my phone number? (Please walk away, I'm about to pass gas" )
The only thing you can rightly assume is "she's not interested." and that's it. You MIGHT come off as threatening. You MIGHT come off as a doofus, or you might just be the right guy at the wrong time, or...she has a boyfriend. LOL
The point is that many of them expect that type of reaction.
If I put a box of chocolates in front of you and told you that 5 of them were poisoned, you probably wouldn't grab a handful and shove them in your mouth, even though they all look fine. You'd treat all of them as poisoned.
Last edited by fleetiebelle; 10-20-2022 at 01:44 PM..
Even when woman like you, they will likely mention some other guy or two who are in the picture. They don't want to come off as though they don't have options and are lonely. And they would prefer it if men also have other women/options in their lives, initially.
Somehow it came to be where people think those who are completely single are unworthy. The idea is that 2 competitive daters come together after discovering they are so good for each other, that they can finally choose and commit.
I think this is dishonest and unfortunate but it's part of the game you might as well play.
And you know...sometimes it can just be so random. I mean REALLY random, and has nothing really, to do with the guy. Seriously. Like "I shouldn't have eaten that cheese pizza earlier. My lactose intolerance is messing with my gut. Oh...what? You want my phone number? (Please walk away, I'm about to pass gas" )
The only thing you can rightly assume is "she's not interested." and that's it. You MIGHT come off as threatening. You MIGHT come off as a doofus, or you might just be the right guy at the wrong time, or...she has a boyfriend. LOL
You're right which is what I said what I said before. Sometimes it has NOTHING to do with the guy asking her out. Wrong time, wrong place.
But for SOME guys to believe that there IS no such time as 'wrong time, right place', is dangerous...
...for the guys.
Why can't a 'no thanks' NOT be taken at face value?
I got shot down yesterday in a situation where I suspect that her 'boyfriend' is completely made up and that is what prompted the thread, but in the past I have asked out women who said they had boyfriends but then later agreed to date someone else that I knew.
Just as a comment on this. I was married over 20 years. After I filed for divorce, I decided to try out online dating. Very quickly got several dates. The second person was nice - we actually met in his town and hung out at the lake that day and then later that night, I let him come over. So, almost 2 dates. However, I wasn't blown away and wasn't ready to settle down a week after starting to date. And the icing on the cake is that he had '1988' tattooed huge across his chest. Being covered neck down in tats didn't bother me, but that one did. I didn't want to constantly be reminded of his age (almost 10 years younger than I am.)
So, the next morning he sent me a graphic text and then told me how excited he was to see me again. And I told him that I had decided I wasn't over my ex-bf whom I had been casually seeing during the separation and was going to back off for a while. That was true but not true. Yes, I still had feelings for my ex, but I had also already gotten back on the app and had a new date planned with a different guy. Did it within 30 minutes of him leaving the night before. He was a nice guy and I am not good with hurting people's feelings, so the ex-bf excuse was what was easiest for me to go with.
I didn't like the guy I saw the next day either, but later that week, I got on the app while I was bored and met someone that I am still with now. Things went quickly, so it was only about 2 weeks after our date (tattoo boy) that I went 'Facebook official' as being in a relationship with the other guy. Tat boy saw it and sent me a really nice text. (Insert heavy sarcasm, although it didn't stop him from still checking in a few times to see if I would give him another chance.)
So, in summation, my 'excuse' was true, but the full truth should have been something more like, "I like you, but not as much as I like the other guy I was with, and I want to explore my options more." That just sounds cruel and I didn't want any confrontation.
Even when woman like you, they will likely mention some other guy or two who are in the picture. They don't want to come off as though they don't have options and are lonely. And they would prefer it if men also have other women/options in their lives, initially.
Somehow it came to be where people think those who are completely single are unworthy. The idea is that 2 competitive daters come together after discovering they are so good for each other, that they can finally choose and commit.
I think this is dishonest and unfortunate but it's part of the game you might as well play.
And just WHERE did that unhealthy idea come from?
I wonder if there's some poll around that says that those who are 'attached' think that people who are single and unattached are somehow "unworthy."
After all, EVERYONE is "unattached", until they meet someone...
I wonder if there's some poll around that says that those who are 'attached' think that people who are single and unattached are somehow "unworthy."
After all, EVERYONE is "unattached", until they meet someone...
Don't know, might be evolutionary survival of the fittest. Only the strongest or most coveted should breed. Might be why nubile young women want to be swept off their feet. Or big-men-on-campus want 'it girls.'
I do think this fades with age and people over 40 get more real. More able to say "I've been too busy with my career to date much" or "I've been happier on my own."
Don't know, might be evolutionary survival of the fittest. Only the strongest or most coveted should breed. Might be why nubile young women want to be swept off their feet. Or big-men-on-campus want 'it girls.'
I do think this fades with age and people over 40 get more real. More able to say "I've been too busy with my career to date much" or "I've been happier on my own."
I will agree that sometimes, men AND women can be their own worse enemies when it comes to dating. There are a lot of people in the dating world who aren't sure they're worthy of attention, desire, love, etc. And I DO think it can be an age thing. They lack self confidence.
Some people have the outlook of "Why would anyone be interested in me" Other people have the outlook of "why WOULDN'T someone be interested in me? I'm a catch." And I suppose that's on a spectrum, with people at various places on the spectrum.
I didn't mind a guy coming over to say hi and chat, ie. being approached. Bars are places to socialize.
If I want to hang with my girls and drink I can do that at home. People go to bars to be around other people so some interaction is to be expected and not be considered sooo annoying.
It's just that it wasn't going further than that.
I went to bars to watch sports with other fans, as a central meeting point for friends who don't live near each other, to eat alone (at the bar) and/or to enjoy drinks I couldn't make at home. Can't ever say it was to meet strangers.
I mentioned this upthread, but I will repost my reply again for the people who didn't catch that.
That is insightful. Thank you.
What you wrote was broadly helpful. Thank you.
With respect to the bolded, I agree with your larger point that if a woman isn't interested, she isn't interested. I realise that just happens, some women just aren't into me, I accept that as an aspect of dating.
My concern isn't about trying to win over women to change their mind, but what I was trying to figure out whether the women who do this, do this pretty much to everyone because of say bad past experiences with other guys or whether they create a phantom boyfriend mostly in situations where they are feeling specifically threatened ie a guy who they think is coming on too strong, which could indicate a different type of dating issue.
Ah, I do appreciate your clarification. From my perspective as a woman, odds are that most women who trot that out (in instances where it is untrue...which isn't all of them!)...in those cases where it was a lie, it was likely a reflexive thing she just does, because she has at some point, likely in her youth, had guys get either hostile, or even just annoying about it. This learning experience can go all the way back to high school, where the boys we turned down spread nasty rumors about us, or got hostile, or got hurt when we didn't want to be hurtful, etc.
Women pick up a lot of lessons at pretty early ages about these things, and adapt accordingly. And it tends to be reinforced periodically throughout our lives.
Her reasons for not having any interest (if she didn't actually have a boyfriend) may or may not have had something to do with you specifically in some way, we can't know that. But her reasons for deploying this line, probably weren't particular to you. She probably uses it all the time.
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