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Old 06-09-2008, 06:46 PM
 
Location: Gulf Coast Mississippi
235 posts, read 237,248 times
Reputation: 95

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ivorytickler View Post
I've been told over and over it's my fault because I filed. That it's not cheating because I filed. That he had every right to sleep with whomever he wanted because I filed.

I didn't cheat on him. He cheated on me and you feel sorry for him? Why? Should a wife accept cheating? Where was that in the marriage vows. I missed that part.

It will take 6 months because of the kids but we'll make it as fast as possible. There's no reason not to. It's not like i'm going to leave, sleep with somene else and then come back. That's his MO not mine.
I felt empathy for him because you seem so difficult and self-righteous. It wasn't about the cheating. You strike me as someone who could overpower another person who was weaker than you because you have a strong personality with a distinct "my way or the highway" attitude and would be exhausting to deal with. I didn't like that he thought that if he left he automatically got the children... Was he the primary caregiver? I don't understand why you are angry/disrespectful of his coming back to you after he left and was with OW, but it's not the first thing you've said that doesn't make sense to me and I doubt it will be the last...
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Old 06-09-2008, 07:54 PM
 
Location: Whoville....
22,332 posts, read 17,093,213 times
Reputation: 11758
Quote:
Originally Posted by jmfnme View Post
I felt empathy for him because you seem so difficult and self-righteous. It wasn't about the cheating. You strike me as someone who could overpower another person who was weaker than you because you have a strong personality with a distinct "my way or the highway" attitude and would be exhausting to deal with. I didn't like that he thought that if he left he automatically got the children... Was he the primary caregiver? I don't understand why you are angry/disrespectful of his coming back to you after he left and was with OW, but it's not the first thing you've said that doesn't make sense to me and I doubt it will be the last...
I should be respectful of him leaving, taking up with the OW and coming back? What about him showing some respect for me? He's made a joke of our marriage and I'm disrespectful. Ok.
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Old 06-09-2008, 08:14 PM
 
7,740 posts, read 9,607,794 times
Reputation: 7153
Just my two cents; if you were separated I would not consider that cheating. However you are the one that has to forgive. If you can't you shouldn't stay with him.
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Old 06-09-2008, 08:47 PM
 
Location: Whoville....
22,332 posts, read 17,093,213 times
Reputation: 11758
Quote:
Originally Posted by veuvegirl View Post
Just my two cents; if you were separated I would not consider that cheating. However you are the one that has to forgive. If you can't you shouldn't stay with him.
As I said earlier, if he hadn't tried to come back, I wouldn't have considered it cheating either. I would consider the act the end of our marriage though. The problem is, he wants his cake and eat it too. We're either married or we're not there's no, we're taking a break so I can do what I want.

Thanks for understanding that I have to live by my moral code. To me, it is wrong to be with someone other than your spouse, especially, if you're not done with the marriage yet.

That's the part I don't get and no one seems to be able to explain. Obviously, he wasn't done with the marriage, evidenced by him coming back yet he was with her anyway. I can see thinking you can do what you want if you're done but not if you're not. How does one emotionally check out enough to be with someone else and then check back in? WHY would someone do that?

This wouldn't be an issue at all if we'd continued to divorce before. It's the fact he came back that makes it an issue. Once he decided to do that, our behavior during the separation became an issue. I have nothing to be ashamed of. He just makes excuses for what he did. It's not heartless to not be able to get past that. There's no obligation to get past it. It just happens I can't get past it.

I will be eternally grateful to my friends who talked me out of renewing vows. They saw the writing on the wall when I couldn't. Never underestimate the value of good friends.
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Old 06-09-2008, 08:57 PM
 
Location: Eastern NC
12,919 posts, read 8,429,191 times
Reputation: 10368
Ivory, he came back because the grass wasn't greener on the other side if you know what I mean. I have always believed that 'once a cheater, always a cheater'. I have seen it with co-workers many times. You are right in saying he wants his cake and eat it too. Listen to your friends and continue on with the divorce.
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Old 06-09-2008, 09:20 PM
 
Location: Texas
5,069 posts, read 5,891,792 times
Reputation: 1537
I think a person who cheats once may cheat again. In fact, this man may have cheated more than once, already.
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Old 06-09-2008, 09:32 PM
 
Location: Pittsburgh, PA
491 posts, read 597,953 times
Reputation: 229
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ivorytickler View Post
How does one emotionally check out enough to be with someone else and then check back in? WHY would someone do that?
Because people do stupid things all the time, and then realize their stupidity and try to fix their mistakes. Is it not possible that your husband realized this stupidity in leaving, and is trying to fix it? I know you have been badly hurt, but if you could just consider that he may be trying to make things right...

The part about him not acknowledging the "cheating" - perhaps that has to do with the fact that because he himself was cheated on and badly hurt, he cannot bring himself to acknowledge that he could do this to another person - that if he did acknowledge this, it would make him a "cheater" just like his ex-wife, and that is something that his self-image cannot take.

They say that actions speak louder than words - perhaps he is at the moment unable to speak the words, "please forgive me," but he is trying to show you by his actions. Lots of people talk a good story by begging forgiveness, but don't have the actions to back it up. If I had to choose between someone who talked the talk or walked the walk, I'd choose walking any day.

Just some food for thought. Best wishes.

Last edited by onwardandupward; 06-09-2008 at 10:04 PM..
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Old 06-09-2008, 09:38 PM
 
Location: Southern California
12,608 posts, read 9,532,417 times
Reputation: 8250
Not cheating.

He thought you and him were getting a divorce. Although the legal aspect of the divorce, i.e. the paperwork, wasn't completed, to him the psychological aspect of the divorce was done. He probably thought it was over and acted accordingly. For him, the mental/emotional hurdle of the divorce was probably accomplished months in advance of the filing of the paperwork. The legal proceedings were a technical formality.

The fact that he doesn't want to talk about it tells me he is embarrassed to a certain extent by the whole thing, too. He probably thinks what he did is cheating. But there is nothing he can do about it now. Now that I think of it, there's really nothing you can do.

So, guess what? You can either get over it and accept that he had activities during the break or you can proceed with the divorce. There is no middle option...
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Old 06-09-2008, 09:44 PM
 
Location: Gulf Coast Mississippi
235 posts, read 237,248 times
Reputation: 95
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ivorytickler View Post
I should be respectful of him leaving, taking up with the OW and coming back? What about him showing some respect for me? He's made a joke of our marriage and I'm disrespectful. Ok.
No, it's that he came back to you and you took him back but now you despise the fact that he came back.. It's such a circular argument... Is he still in contact with her? You've mentioned several times that you will go your way and he will be with her. If he isn't in contact with her I suppose that's just your anger talking. I also view the fact that you filed for divorce and were separated as permission for either of you to go on with your lives and I don't completrly define what he did as "cheating". If you were separated and going to counseling together, then I would see it as cheating. I do think you're upset and hurt that he could be with someone else so quickly and easily, it would bother anyone.
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Old 06-09-2008, 09:59 PM
 
Location: Zebulon, NC
2,276 posts, read 3,984,770 times
Reputation: 3490
I find it very interesting that you're making such a huge deal out of what most people don't consider cheating, and the fact that he left you without agreeing to support his children is secondary. That would be the dealbreaker for me - not whether or not he had dated someone when we were in the process of divorcing.

Whatever you decide, please keep your bitterness in check. Children are very sensitive to this, and no matter how bad a husband he was, he's still their father. They don't need to be put in the middle of this, or even hear your hostility towards him.
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