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Folks, I just added a note to the opening post and will put the same note here. This ancient thread (2008) was reactivated today by Post No. 464. I hope this note will help you all to keep the discussion current. Thanks!
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I'm not attacking you dar. I know the statistics....but these aren't physical objects that can be randomly given and taken away. These are commitments. You aren't only committing to physically being with that person, you are committing that you are willing to do the work with that person to keep those feelings that drove you to the commitment alive.
I know people make mistakes....my wife feels she has made a mistake and has chosen to move on. I feel that she is entitled to be happy. WHat I resent is that I don't feel she chose to do the work involved to keep things fresh.
I see no anger it that. I do see reality. Both of you can change over the rears and not always for the better. If She made the decision to hit the road, if it makes her happy , then I say go for it. I understand your thoughts on commitment , but if maybe YOU are the one who changed and she does not like what she sees now , then whose fault is that ?
In my case the wife hangs on, and on , but could not stand to be divorced at 64. I am even older and feel the same way. WE both are unhappy, no sex , no physical emotion exist for the last 10 years. .Picking out Anniversary cards for each other is painful. I usually create my own from blank paper. WE tried conciliating she hated it and stopped going I held on for 3 more months then realized i was wasting the Docs time. I don't blame her like you do your wife. I DO blame her for not talking out our problems, she remains in silent. WE do have a business life together, we do everything together, seem to have had the same interest for 40 years also. Its a good life, yet we both are miserable. There should not be much "work" in order to maintain the relationship on ether part, but there always is. Introducing a third person or a fourth person, seems to me a good way out....but thats just not ether one of us, wish it was, wish she came home from a business trip and told me all about it, I would understand. She does not to that , never will affair or not, I will never know never know ether, at lest from Her mouth !.
I see no anger it that. I do see reality. Both of you can change over the rears and not always for the better. If She made the decision to hit the road, if it makes her happy , then I say go for it. I understand your thoughts on commitment , but if maybe YOU are the one who changed and she does not like what she sees now , then whose fault is that ?
I DO blame her for not talking out our problems, she remains in silent.
That is tragic...and unfair. If she isn't doing the work to grow, then her selfishness can kill. You have a right to yourself to achieve happiness above all else.
That is tragic...and unfair. If she isn't doing the work to grow, then her selfishness can kill. You have a right to yourself to achieve happiness above all else.
I thank you for that , its the way I see it too, I do feel cheated for the last 10 years....We just keep marching along. I sometimes think she can buy my devotion with shiny new cars , 2 in the last 2 months .
I thank you for that , its the way I see it too, I do feel cheated for the last 10 years....We just keep marching along. I sometimes think she can buy my devotion with shiny new cars , 2 in the last 2 months .
You seem to know what the right thing to do is but are saddled by your old school interpration of commitment. If she isn't willing to communicate, then the choice of ending the relationship is on her, IMO.
I really like the term "Get busy living, get busy dying" It sounds like she has made her choice. Time for you to make yours.
I thank you for that , its the way I see it too, I do feel cheated for the last 10 years....We just keep marching along. I sometimes think she can buy my devotion with shiny new cars , 2 in the last 2 months .
I do not understand...no one is "cheating you" more than you seem to be cheating yourself
Why are you allowing yourself to remain in such a miserable situation?
Tarra, if you don't mind me asking...how did this info come to light?
If he volunteered it, I'm afraid that was just hurtful on his part and extremely disrespectful, even more so than the act itself I think. People are people, sometimes they make mistakes. Sometimes they do stupid human things when their heart/emotional state take over. It's what you do after the mistake. I would expect my partner to take that experience as an epiphany, and redouble their efforts to their original commitment.
I was a huge **** hound in my younger days, and had a fair enough of experiences between marriages, yet never once did I feel weak enough to cheat on a wife. There were opportunities....but like some said something similar earlier...If I can't tell my wife about it, then I don't need to be doing it.
I know this flies in the face of some of my other posts on this thread, but I do believe we are all entitled above all else and others, to feel they deserve self respect, happiness, and the best quality of life for themselves. Very tough time. I'm sorry
Grump, what happened was I joined him in Europe on his tour a year ago. I put my job on hold, found someone to take care of our pets etc., I packed up our son and joined him. When June rolled around, he said that my son and I could get a round trip ticket and join him again in August if we wanted or he would be home in March 2014. So I came home the beginning of July. His emails, phone calls and video chat started to get scarce. I then told him the end of July my son and I decided we would come back over and spend the rest of his tour with him. He said, "Oh no you won't." A week later he sent me an email and said, "I have been miserable with you and I want a divorce." I couldn't believe it nor could anyone else!
A week later, he said we could come back over, then he changed his mind again. He then told me he was taking a dream vacation the first of September while he was over there and see more of Europe. He asked me allow him time to go and "think" about things without contacting him. Well, I was really suspicious. I noticed charges to our credit card and checking account. I contacted the travel place and asked them how many people were checking into the hotels.. and each time it was 2 adults. On the last place he checked in, I got the name and number of the place and I called his room! A woman answered the phone. Needless to say I cut his vacation short. He got one week in.
I notified his commander and told him what had happened. They sent him back here a few weeks ago and told him to straighten it out one way or the other. He decided that he wanted to stay with the marriage. I am having a hard time with his sincerity.
Mountains, how do I get in touch with the Mod to move this?
Our family and friends were absolutely shocked by his behavior, no one expected this. He was well respected. He always spoke highly of me.
I just don't think I can ever trust him again. He won't even come clean about the affair. It's not that I need every detail, but I would like to know specifically how he met her, how long it's been going on and how do I know that he ended it with her? How old is she? Why does he continue to have passwords on his email and his laptop?
He said he doesn't want to discuss any of it, he just wants to move on from it. He doesn't believe in counseling.
I don't think you will really want to know the details. They will just hurt any chances for you to salvage your relationship.
If I was in your situation I would give him a chance to make things right but only with marriage counseling. He probably doesn't want to go because he is afraid the details may come out. Affairs are typically a symptom that something is wrong in a marriage. He has told you there wasn't enough intimacy in your marriage. If both of you are willing to be humble and work hard I think it is possible to make things work. You can at least try and you will have peace later if things don't work out. Just try and think of the affair more as a symptom. Don't think of it as a betrayal or that will rip you apart.
Quote:
Originally Posted by tarragon
I notified his commander and told him what had happened. They sent him back here a few weeks ago and told him to straighten it out one way or the other. He decided that he wanted to stay with the marriage. I am having a hard time with his sincerity.
Hmmm, that doesn't sound good. He shows lack for respect for you and only wanted to change when his job was at stake.
I do not understand...no one is "cheating you" more than you seem to be cheating yourself
Why are you allowing yourself to remain in such a miserable situation?
Its a little different when you are in business together., I retain 50 per cent of the Corp. I am retired, she still works hard everyday and is the "breadwinner" . ( I downsized 10 years ago when I retired , wish I had not done so. The cheated part comes from me yes of coarse, I let it happen , or not as it is not happen. Its hard to understand when you are older too. 20 years ago I would have kicked her out quickly !Ten years ago She has me by the *****.as she took over the remains of the business and made it work quite well. as a once person provider.........Time creeps up on you, first I made a real good living selling all my toys on Ebay, that lasted 3 years till all was gone.Then I took the next five years building a new house, 9:00 to 6;00 everyday. I am a material/creative person who can be distracted easily when it comes to personal relationship......maybe its not too late ?
Its a little different when you are in business together., I retain 50 per cent of the Corp. I am retired, she still works hard everyday and is the "breadwinner" . ( I downsized 10 years ago when I retired , wish I had not done so. The cheated part comes from me yes of coarse, I let it happen , or not as it is not happen. Its hard to understand when you are older too. 20 years ago I would have kicked her out quickly !Ten years ago She has me by the *****.as she took over the remains of the business and made it work quite well. as a once person provider.........Time creeps up on you, first I made a real good living selling all my toys on Ebay, that lasted 3 years till all was gone.Then I took the next five years building a new house, 9:00 to 6;00 everyday. I am a material/creative person who can be distracted easily when it comes to personal relationship......maybe its not too late ?
Darstar, how many years were you two married? We've been married 16 years. I did not give my husband permission to cheat on me. We both work, I have contributed to our belongings and if this does end up in a divorce, I am going to go for every thing I am entitled to! He should have thought about what he was doing before he did it. In my book, my husband is trading off for an affair vs. having all of what we have worked so hard for.
Also, did you ever feel guilty while you were with someone else? I'm just curious what goes through the head of the unfaithful spouse's mind while this is happening.
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