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I didn't read all of the posts but I have the feeling that certain parents will become so desperate for a mate that their own children become a secondary consideration. I've seen this happen in at least one instance and the young daughter whose StepMother wanted nothing to do with her committed suicide. I don't have children but if I did their interests would always come first and I wouldn't tolerate a spouse who wouldn't accept them as family. Because so many Americans get divorced these days (about 50%) this sort of problem is actually very common. The children from a previous marriage are looked upon as a nuisance and financial obligation as opposed to members of a new family. I'm very fortunate to have come from divorced parents who both remarried and was accepted by their new spouses. People need to realize that this is just as difficult for the children as it is for their remarried Mother or Father.
Was in Juvenile Court today and mother tells judge why she thinks her 15 yr old son should go home (rather than stay in Juv. Hall) that he's really a good kid, but then she openly states that her husband, the stepfather, has never accepted her son and doesn't want him to come home or be around. That he's been that way since she started dating him.
I wanted to ask her, "And why did you marry this guy? And why are you still going home to this guy?" She has three sons and stated that her husband wants everything his way to the point that he won't even let one of her sons eat with them at the kitchen table for dinner.
This is not the first time this situation has come up. Often, kids end up in suitable placement simply because a stepparent decides they don't want them at home anymore, and the biological parent goes along with this. I can understand it when a kid has some major problems, but I've seen this with kids who are just there for a petty theft (stole gum from Walmart kind of thing).
So why, I ask, do people end up marrying (or even dating) someone that can't accept their children into their lives? Wouldn't that be a dealbreaker for just about any parent?
Because they are desperate for a relationship and terrified to be alone. My ex lives with a girl who will not have anything to do with our daughters so he practically has to sneak around to spend time with them. Thankfully he has been smart enough not to marry her (so far).
Let's hope he doesnt marry her. I'd dump her, if I have to SNEAK to spend time w/ my children then there is a problem. That's not a healthy relationship. Not saying she has to like the children, but if it's to the point that he has to sneak to see them, then this relationship cannot be going in the right direction.
I never could understand people bringing strangers (new wife/new husband), into their children's lives, for them to cope with. I was a stepchild, because of the death of my father, and it was very hard. Too long to talk about so I know where these kids are coming from.
You would think so, wouldn't you? But some people are so thirsty and desperate for a relationship they are willing to sacrifice the well being of their children. It's sad when children have to pay for their parent's desperation and weakness.
After i met my soon to be first wife, over some time, i fell in love with her & her beautiful beloved five year old daughter. I married my wife & shortly after adopted my beloved daughter. & then we had three more beloved youngsters. I love all four of my children equally.
After ten years my wife & i divorced. That is another story...
Shania that's too bad! What kind of mother is she??? I'm so glad I didn't stay in Juvenile too long at my former job. It would've been heartbreaking.
To answer your question, for HEALTHY parents that would be a dealbreaker. But she doesn't sound like a healthy parent as are most people who act like this. I'd suppose the need for a man (or woman) in the parent's life no matter what the cost means is part of the problem in this situation. Low self-esteem probably. I'm sure a lot of parents who do this aren't purposely trying to alienate their children, I believe maybe they think that their SO will change their mind eventually (just like women who hope alcoholics stop drinking).
But yes behavior like this can ruin the parent-child relationship in the long run and then these kids have no or little parental guidance and love when they need it most. There's no excuse for this!
I'm gonna be the voice against the crowd on this one. Some kids have real problems. Maybe the lady's husband is more into the idea of protecting her, and can see the picture more clearly.
Yes, it would be a horrible thing to marry someone who doesn't like your child. But, if the kid has serious issues, and he's sitting in juvenile court (for not the first time) it's quite possible that step-dad is just approaching the issue without the rose colored glasses, and realizes that he needs more structure than mom and stepdad can provide. Mom could easily be so worn out with dealing with years of problems that she "can't see the forest for the trees" kind of deal. Its possible.
Maybe she married the man because she loved him, and he doesn't like the way her son turned out. Maybe SHE doesn't like the way her son turned out - but she's his mom, and she has to love him unconditionally. Maybe, she doesn't know the difference between unconditional love, and enabling - that's enough to drive a mighty big wedge between parents - biological, step, or any other kind.
I have a whole lot of examples running through my mind, but I'll keep them to myself. Troubled kids are hard to deal with. Its hard not to blame yourself, when there's nothing you can do, and it's also hard TO blame yourself, when you've tried everything you can think of. Its hard to cry yourself to sleep at night playing the what if game, over every choice you've made in their life, and if things could have been different. You can't force a child to behave, you can't force them to care, you can't force them to grow up and look at the real world - all you can do is hope and pray that with the reins pulled in tight enough - they survive until adulthood, and eventually the light bulb clicks, and they start to get it, and grow up. There is no easy answer.
While I can see your point, there are a lot of resources out there for dealing with troubled kids. I'm not a parent so I can't say how well they work and some kids might never change, but I think that's worth trying before letting a stepparent turn one's back on a kid (figuratively speaking).
Well, I don't believe that children are the end-all, be-all axis around which the parent's life revolves. At the same time, a child is really a part of the parent and his or her life. Trying to separate a parent from his or her children signals deep, deep problems.
Let's put it this way. What if the new spouse suddenly decided that other parts of your past life were unsatisfactory. What if your new spouse decided that he/she didn't like your career choice, your religious faith, or your taste in books or movies? What if your new spouse tried to erase all the things in your life up to the point you said, "I do"? How would you feel about that?
So, no, I would never allow that to happen. My children are part of who I am. And while the spouse comes first in a healthy marriage, the children most certainly do not come last.
Well, I don't believe that children are the end-all, be-all axis around which the parent's life revolves. At the same time, a child is really a part of the parent and his or her life. Trying to separate a parent from his or her children signals deep, deep problems.
Let's put it this way. What if the new spouse suddenly decided that other parts of your past life were unsatisfactory. What if your new spouse decided that he/she didn't like your career choice, your religious faith, or your taste in books or movies? What if your new spouse tried to erase all the things in your life up to the point you said, "I do"? How would you feel about that?
So, no, I would never allow that to happen. My children are part of who I am. And while the spouse comes first in a healthy marriage, the children most certainly do not come last.
It's like someone else on here once posted - the kids and the spouse are in different spots, it shouldn't be about competing for one spot.
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What kind of mother is she??? I'm so glad I didn't stay in Juvenile too long at my former job. It would've been heartbreaking.
