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Was in Juvenile Court today and mother tells judge why she thinks her 15 yr old son should go home (rather than stay in Juv. Hall) that he's really a good kid, but then she openly states that her husband, the stepfather, has never accepted her son and doesn't want him to come home or be around. That he's been that way since she started dating him.
I wanted to ask her, "And why did you marry this guy? And why are you still going home to this guy?" She has three sons and stated that her husband wants everything his way to the point that he won't even let one of her sons eat with them at the kitchen table for dinner.
This is not the first time this situation has come up. Often, kids end up in suitable placement simply because a stepparent decides they don't want them at home anymore, and the biological parent goes along with this. I can understand it when a kid has some major problems, but I've seen this with kids who are just there for a petty theft (stole gum from Walmart kind of thing).
So why, I ask, do people end up marrying (or even dating) someone that can't accept their children into their lives? Wouldn't that be a dealbreaker for just about any parent?
Location: Everybody is going to hurt you, you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for-B Marley
9,516 posts, read 20,003,071 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by shania
Was in Juvenile Court today and mother tells judge why she thinks her 15 yr old son should go home (rather than stay in Juv. Hall) that he's really a good kid, but then she openly states that her husband, the stepfather, has never accepted her son and doesn't want him to come home or be around. That he's been that way since she started dating him.
I wanted to ask her, "And why did you marry this guy? And why are you still going home to this guy?" She has three sons and stated that her husband wants everything his way to the point that he won't even let one of her sons eat with them at the kitchen table for dinner.
This is not the first time this situation has come up. Often, kids end up in suitable placement simply because a stepparent decides they don't want them at home anymore, and the biological parent goes along with this. I can understand it when a kid has some major problems, but I've seen this with kids who are just there for a petty theft (stole gum from Walmart kind of thing).
So why, I ask, do people end up marrying (or even dating) someone that can't accept their children into their lives? Wouldn't that be a dealbreaker for just about any parent?
Good question. But I can't even understand it when the kid has major problems b'c they probably (not always but mostly) have major problems due to the way they're treated--either by the parent or step parent or b'c the real parent allows them to be treated that way. It's nothing short of abuse and the judge should have recognized that and called attention to it. I could never allow anyone to come before my kids.
I don't understand it at all. I wasn't lucky enough to have kids, but when I date someone with kids, as far as I'm concerned, those kids always should come first. A parent and their kids are already a family; anyone they invite to join the family should be ready to take on that responsibility.
Good question. But I can't evenunderstand it when the kid has major problems b'c they probably (not always but mostly) have major problems due to the way they're treated--either by the parent or step parent or b'c the real parent allowsthem to be treated that way. It's nothing short of abuse and the judge should have recognized that and called attention to it. I could never allow anyone to come before my kids.
I hear you. The major problems I was thinking of are sometimes mental illness type problems that can lead to violence in the home instigated by the child or just dangerous behavior that can threaten other family members.
Location: Everybody is going to hurt you, you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for-B Marley
9,516 posts, read 20,003,071 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by shania
I hear you. The major problems I was thinking of are sometimes mental illness type problems that can lead to violence in the home instigated by the child or just dangerous behavior that can threaten other family members.
That's what I was talking about. Their minds are still being shaped and formed and influenced by, largely, the parents. They can be shaped into "little monsters" that turn into big monsters just as they can be shaped into successful, happy people.
I'm completely baffled by this. I adored my ex-fiance's kids. They were 14 and 11 when their father left me. They had obviously been raised very well by his ex-wife, they were respectful, straight A students and just all around great kids. My ex left me and married someone who (from what I understand) doesn't like kids very much and hasn't spent any time really getting to know them. He and his new wife have taken vacations without the kids even being there, and it's not like he has a lot of extra time to see them (he's in the Army)
My ex left his first wife for a woman who absolutely hated his kids. She even tore up a photo of the kids in front of my ex because she was jealous of them or something. When my ex broke up with me, he said that he had never really gotten over this girlfriend who supposedly broke his heart. WTF???
I just couldn't understand why my ex chose to be with two different women who didn't like his children and yet he dumped me, who liked the kids and they liked me, not to mention that I loved my ex-fiance and would have done whatever it takes to make us a "family". I didn't want to replace their Mom, just be a really good step-mom.
I'm gonna be the voice against the crowd on this one. Some kids have real problems. Maybe the lady's husband is more into the idea of protecting her, and can see the picture more clearly.
Yes, it would be a horrible thing to marry someone who doesn't like your child. But, if the kid has serious issues, and he's sitting in juvenile court (for not the first time) it's quite possible that step-dad is just approaching the issue without the rose colored glasses, and realizes that he needs more structure than mom and stepdad can provide. Mom could easily be so worn out with dealing with years of problems that she "can't see the forest for the trees" kind of deal. Its possible.
Maybe she married the man because she loved him, and he doesn't like the way her son turned out. Maybe SHE doesn't like the way her son turned out - but she's his mom, and she has to love him unconditionally. Maybe, she doesn't know the difference between unconditional love, and enabling - that's enough to drive a mighty big wedge between parents - biological, step, or any other kind.
I have a whole lot of examples running through my mind, but I'll keep them to myself. Troubled kids are hard to deal with. Its hard not to blame yourself, when there's nothing you can do, and it's also hard TO blame yourself, when you've tried everything you can think of. Its hard to cry yourself to sleep at night playing the what if game, over every choice you've made in their life, and if things could have been different. You can't force a child to behave, you can't force them to care, you can't force them to grow up and look at the real world - all you can do is hope and pray that with the reins pulled in tight enough - they survive until adulthood, and eventually the light bulb clicks, and they start to get it, and grow up. There is no easy answer.
A parent and their kids are already a family; anyone they invite to join the family should be ready to take on that responsibility.
It's always amazed me that in English (or at least here; not sure how it is in the other English-speaking countries) a couple is called "a married couple" and then when they have children they become "a family." To me the primary relationship in any working marriage is between the husband and the wife regardless of whether all the kids are their own or not. Kids are not supposed to run households; adults are. Kids are supposed to have limits; adults are to set them. Children come into your life, spend some time with you, and then go on their own. The "family" should be the long-lasting relationship between the husband and the wife and the agreement between them. They have to represent an united front; not biological parents siding with their children and giving in to all their unreasonable demands while "accepting" somebody to "join" their already-existing "family" as an unimportant appendix to it.
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