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Maybe she doesn't have pity or compassion ....... it's pretty common for women to be extremely selfish and insensitive like that.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ivorytickler
If he's suffering from depression and is in pain, I'd think his wife would be more understanding and less demanding. You've given two good reasons for his low libido and possibly a third in your weight. You've also told us he's not good in bed. Why would he want to have sex with someone who thinks he's lousy in bed?
The counselor is likely to tell you more than he needs to learn how to seduce his wife. You should try it.
Abracadabra123,
First off, let me say I'm sorry for you and can sympathize. I was in a sexless marriage for twice that long (the sexless part). It's hell when you're convinced your spouse doesn't care for you.
But you're coming off here like one horrible spouse.
No. It's NOT the man's "job" to seduce you. If you want it, go for it.
It IS your problem. Otherwise, why would you be here asking for help?
SEEK COUNSELING!!!!!! Gawd, your husband wants counseling. What the heck are you waiting for? He's asking for help in overcoming the problem, but you kick him in the teeth.
Screw the books. Women are all different. I've been with my share, and I've been told by enough that I'm a very good lover that I actually believe it. But I'm smart enough to know that with every new partner I've got to learn all over again.
Instead of buying a book, look to the Sinclair Institute for a "Better Sex Series" of CDs. The two of you can watch them together and discuss what ideas you'd like to try. Watching them as a couple is a great way to learn about each others' preferences and get some new ideas worked into your love life. They're sexually explicit, so just watching them can be a turn-on, but if you use them to learn from and as a starting place for further frank talks, you'll be rewarded with years of more satisfied sex.
Somehow before you start having sex again, you two NEED to have a talk. Do not lay blame. (You're doing that with your posts, and you're wrong, wrong, wrong.) See if you can come up with a plan of action to jump-start your sex life. Do NOT EVER wait for him to make the first move. If everything goes well, he'll come around to that, but you refusing to initiate because you think it's HIS job is not a good idea!
If you decide to try this comeback without the help of a counselor, you're biting off a big chunk, and you'd better be darned careful how you approach it. You tell him what you'd like; he tells you what he'd like; you never tell each other what THEY must do or are doing wrong. It's not easy, but if these talks become b*tch sessions, they'll fail before you get started. Remember, NO BLAMING!
If your husband is on anti-depressants, that could be a major cause of the low libido. His doctor might be able to switch him to a different med, or maybe add a testosterone shot/patch. If he has low testosterone he's just flat out not going to be interested in sex. The good news: it's fixable.
Omg, I can't believe how you have all turned this around and made me the bad guy. Do you not understand how lonely and miserable this is?? I posted here because I read another post about.a woman being stuck with a low libido husband, so I posted my story too as I thought people would understand. Instead you people take his side when he has done nothing but neglect me. It is the mans job to initiate lovemaking too. Are you telling me I have to chase him?? I'm the woman and he's the man. His lack of initiation is causing our marriage to fail and no I will not go to a councellor to charge me $200 to tell me my husband needs to learn to be romantic and seduce his wife.
Chase him LOL. That's funny. Now I understand why people cheat.
First - you are not talking about having a low libido husband. You said he had chronic back pain. So, why do you constantly assume he's lying to you? Maybe it isn't about your weight - maybe its about the fact that it hurts. Plenty of women get off with the "ugh, not tonight, I have cramps" thing - but you expect your hubby to be ready to get athletic with all two peoples worth of you!
His lack of initiation - again, see my above paragraph.
As for the counselor - people who think they know exactly what the counselor is going to say, are almost never right, and honestly the counseling usually doesn't work unless said person gets an attitude adjustment before they walk through the door. Almost EVERY city has a low cost counseling service subsidized by one religion or another - you don't have to be a member of that religion. Catholic social services, lutheran social services, christian crisis center - if any of those sound familiar, give them a call. Most clergy at any church will meet with you too, to give you ideas. But, again, its kind of like the 12 step program, you have to ADMIT YOU (note the YOU) have a problem, and YOU are willing to work on it. Your hubby already suggested the counseling - at least he's trying, that is more than it looks like you're doing.
Back to your weight - whether or not its the problem. Even if it is the problem, what do you REALLY want your husband to say?? "Hey hefty, sex is already hard enough with the back problems, drop 100 lbs or so, and check back in six months, we'll see if it helps some" Assuming you aren't taller than 6'6", over the 300 LB mark puts you really close if not quite a bit over the morbidly obese mark. Thats not "just what happens when you get married" I've been married for 12 years, I've had 3 children - I weigh 112 LBS. I'm not rich, and I'm not a fitness freak. I just would never let myself go that much!!
Yes, your husband has nothing but neglect you. Thats a shame. You've done nothing but belittle, and blame him for that, without considering all of the factors in your relational problems. Get over yourself, and get some counseling. If you really think there are that many men around who will love to make love to you at 300 lbs with no complaints - your husband may be happy to see your large, whiny self head out the door, and not come back, so he can focus more on his health, and repairing the damage you've done to his self esteem.
Why be snide? Look at the posts on her and you've said it yourself, that men have to roll out the red carpet for the married women?
We aren't all selfish. But men have to look at why they pick someone. Just because they have a hairdo and like American Idol doesn't make them a good choice.
I can't help but think its me because I've gained a lot of weight
For some men, that's all it would take to completely kill their sex drive. Men are very visually stimulated, and looks can have a tremendous effect on their sex drive.
Definitely seek some counseling with him and hopefully things will improve.
As it's been said of murder: You'll generally find two sets of fingerprints on the murder weapon. A Divorce? Isn't that a form of murder?
Just the fact he suggested marriage counseling and you're afraid of it (despite your excuses of not being able to afford it) tells a story in itself.
I finally talked one of my last mates into marriage counseling, after 5 sessions, his recommendation: You two are not compatible, I recommend dissolution of this union. And dissolved it was and mutually agreed to.
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