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I'm 20 and in my first relationship. I love my boyfriend but I'm completely obsessive over him.
I think about him all day and night, if i don't hear from him I think all these thoughts that there's something wrong, he's ignoring me because he's sick of me, he thinks im a pest, he's with another girl, he loves someone else.
I keep checking and checking that he still loves me, i ask him constantly if everything's alright. if he doesnt say he loves me after i tell him, i get scared that somethings wrong and that he's gone off me or wants someone else.
I read all his comments and status's on facebook, livejournal and myspace. I check daily for new comments or friends. I feel sick when he adds new girls on there, or when girls send him comments. When he texts people i get scared that hes texting other girls or planning to go places alone with them, when he meets up with female friends i think it's secretly a date.
when he goes out with friends in the niht time, i sit at home or go to bed and wait for the night to be over. otherwise i drive myself crazy thinking about all the women he might be with.
how can i fix this? he doesnt know anything about it, all he knows is the part where i ask him if he still loves me. apart from that he doesnt know how hurt i am inside because of it.
i love him so much, i feel like he's my only happiness. im so scared to lose him
Wow. I suspect you aren't really ready to be in this relationship. FIRST relationships can often cause this kind of reaction because you really don't have a point of reference, you think "this is it" and believe that if it doesn't work out that there is something wrong with you. That's not true at all but until you suffer through a breakup or two and realize it's NOT the end of the world, and there ARE other people out there that you will be happy with, you won't understand.
I'm sorry you have these feelings because they will eventually cause problems in your relationship.
I dont have any friends apart from him, i moved from place to place all my life and now ive settled here for uni and i havent made friends.
i want to make friends by going to hobbies and activites but ive got nobody to go with (boyfriend isnt an option).
i feel so alone, everyday im just sitting here thinking about him and what hes doing. he's very popular and has friends everywhere. ive also got very bad self esteem
I dont have any friends apart from him, i moved from place to place all my life and now ive settled here for uni and i havent made friends.
i want to make friends by going to hobbies and activites but ive got nobody to go with (boyfriend isnt an option).
i feel so alone, everyday im just sitting here thinking about him and what hes doing. he's very popular and has friends everywhere. ive also got very bad self esteem
It makes sense that your anxious because he's all that you have in life right now. You're scared to take your focus away from him because you think the minute that you do, he'll leave/cheat on you. The problem is, you're not happy and if you're not happy, you're destined to make your partner unhappy, too, and then he really will leave. It's a Catch 22. The more anxious you feel, the more you're going to smother him. The more you smother him, the more he'll want to leave. The more he wants to leave, the more he'll start to pull away which is going to lead to you smothering him even more. You need to break the cycle now, because if you don't, you're going to set into motion the one thing that you don't want to happen.
The best thing you can do for yourself and your relationship is to pursue your own interests. This doesn't mean you can't still spend time with your bf, but while he is off doing his own thing, you can be off doing your own thing, too.
The problem with anxiety and it's related OCD type behavior (constantly checking his facebook updates, etc.) is that you give into the behavior because you think it's going to quell your anxiety, but it doesn't, the more you give into that behavior, the more anxious you're going to get. In order to break that cycle, you have to back away from the behavior for a while.
The only way you're going to give up that behavior is to replace it with something else. Go out, make friends, pursue other interests. It takes time to get yourself established, so don't worry if it doesn't happen right away or if you need to explore a few groups until your find your niche.
I am an older woman and here is a secret that most women won't talk about or admit to. Women have huge egos. Especially when they are young, they get love mixed up with winning. It sounds like you need this man more to fill your ego and less to fill your life. That is a hard pill to swallow, but it is important that you do it. There is nothing more attractive to a woman in an ego driven relationslip than a man with one foot out the door. She will do anything, and I mean anything to keep him. She may stalk him, and fantasize about what he is doing without her or what his "real" feelings are about her. If she eventually wins, she will dump him in a minute because the excitement of the chase is over..
You need to stop being afraid of loosing something and start going towards something. You have your whole life in front of you and you will meet tons of interesting people in your life who will help you to mold yourself into who you eventually become. Do you really want to be a neurotic, needy woman who drives her man away because you cannot control his feelings even when you are not sure what yours are? Of course not. You said you were in school. Concentrate on your education and let what comes, come. You will be surprised how different you will feel in 6 mos to a year. I know you think you are different, sorry you are not, you are just growing up. It's OK, we all have to do it.
I dont have any friends apart from him, i moved from place to place all my life and now ive settled here for uni and i havent made friends.
i want to make friends by going to hobbies and activites but ive got nobody to go with (boyfriend isnt an option).
i feel so alone, everyday im just sitting here thinking about him and what hes doing. he's very popular and has friends everywhere. ive also got very bad self esteem
This is the route of your problem. You need to build your self esteem and make friends. You're obsessing over him because you have nothing else to focus on and you don't have the courage to go out and find something else to focus on by yourself.
You CAN go to events or activities BY YOURSELF, you don't need someone to go with. You don't NEED your boyfriend by your side to make friends, in fact it would be better to make friends without him there. If you make friends with him there, those people then become mutual friends who will then spend time with both of you. You need to develop a life OUTSIDE your boyfriend and a sense of individuality.
I think you could really benefit from seeing a therapist to help teach you how to have better self esteem which will help you have the confidence to make new friends. If you can't afford it, try some self help books. Start putting what you read about and learn into practise, make small talk with people in your classes and eventually invite them to get together outside of class, go to study groups, go to Uni events and activities. School is a great place to make new friends, you just need the confidence to make the effort.
imhurt, I really think you need to talk to someone who can help you get started on building a life of your own that you love and help with developing a healthy self esteem.
If you're at uni, there's a good chance that you can have access to a counsellor through student services, why don't you check out what is available to you through that? A lot of unis have them and they're free or a nominal charge. Student services and/or the student union will also have social activities that you can join.
Are you able to take a small step and find out about these things and make yourself an appointment? I really think if you can, it will help you a good deal. It's a big thing that's bothering you and it will take some time and you'll need help.
Oh and kudos to you for recognizing this is a problem. It's a big thing to acknowledge and you should be really proud of yourself for recognizing this is not a happy way to live and that you need help with it.
Last edited by moonshadow; 06-16-2009 at 04:56 AM..
What do you do for work? What about doing some voilunteer work? Or taking an adult ed class?
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