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I know some people who are clueless about flirting. They come off to the opposite sex as very straightforward and because of that, appear to be uninterested. Could that be a problem with you? The people i know who have problems with flirting were usually single longer than other people and are generally friendzoned because they were equally nice to everyone.
Stepka, thanks for posting this. You picked up on something that might be very true about me! I've had many people, both male & female, comment that that it's so "refreshing" how "straightforward" and "direct" I am, that I say what I mean & don't play silly games with people! I've also been told that I'm very organized & show lots of "common sense." Apparently these are qualities that people value in general, but are not the sexy qualities that are valued in a dating situation!
Thinking back, think I was very, very lucky years ago, when I was in a good longterm relationship, to find someone who really appreciated my direct qualities & what I had to offer. Hey, there must be other men out there who appreciate a "straightforward" woman? Guess I'll have to work on increasing my "flirting" behavior just the same. It's possible that I thought I was being sufficiently "flirty" when meeting men, but now that I think about it, I probably hold back a lot on that flirty behavior. Why? Because I'm clueless? nervous? shy? Maybe a combination of these reasons? (see below)
Not to be overanalytical, but it's possible that I've tended to downplay any flirtatious behavior on my part & instead have tried to project a very "straightforward" almost businesslike demeanor in most situations because I've always thought my physical appearance just screams SEX (I'm very curvy, hourglass figure, all T & A!) Years ago, felt that men reacted to that side of me too much (staring at my 38Ds instead of my face, etc.) & never paid enough attention to my other qualities (ex: not taking me seriously as an intelligent person.) I'm probably not the only busty, curvy woman who has downplayed her flirtatious side over the years because of being stereotyped (especially in younger days) due to a vavoom figure!
Stepka, thanks for giving me some insights into this-- could help explain a lot about why I usually fall into the "FriendZone" or get used as the "PracticeGirl"! Gotta love City-Data Relationship Forum-- much cheaper than Therapy!
Stepka, thanks for giving me some insights into this-- could help explain a lot about why I usually fall into the "FriendZone" or get used as the "PracticeGirl"! Gotta love City-Data Relationship Forum-- much cheaper than Therapy!
Glad to help--I'm working on that myself as I'd been married for half my life and have almost forgotten (but not quite) how to flirt. Have fun with it!
OP, what's more is that we are responsible for what unfolds in our lives.
I'll offer you an example. I never got much success with dates, but I recognised that i was at fault for this. to me, the key to getting a date is be yourself, make women (or men in your case) feel comfortable around you. this also extends into friendships and other interactions.
Stepka, thanks for posting this. You picked up on something that might be very true about me! I've had many people, both male & female, comment that that it's so "refreshing" how "straightforward" and "direct" I am, that I say what I mean & don't play silly games with people! I've also been told that I'm very organized & show lots of "common sense." Apparently these are qualities that people value in general, but are not the sexy qualities that are valued in a dating situation!
Thinking back, think I was very, very lucky years ago, when I was in a good longterm relationship, to find someone who really appreciated my direct qualities & what I had to offer. Hey, there must be other men out there who appreciate a "straightforward" woman? Guess I'll have to work on increasing my "flirting" behavior just the same. It's possible that I thought I was being sufficiently "flirty" when meeting men, but now that I think about it, I probably hold back a lot on that flirty behavior. Why? Because I'm clueless? nervous? shy? Maybe a combination of these reasons? (see below)
Not to be overanalytical, but it's possible that I've tended to downplay any flirtatious behavior on my part & instead have tried to project a very "straightforward" almost businesslike demeanor in most situations because I've always thought my physical appearance just screams SEX (I'm very curvy, hourglass figure, all T & A!) Years ago, felt that men reacted to that side of me too much (staring at my 38Ds instead of my face, etc.) & never paid enough attention to my other qualities (ex: not taking me seriously as an intelligent person.) I'm probably not the only busty, curvy woman who has downplayed her flirtatious side over the years because of being stereotyped (especially in younger days) due to a vavoom figure!
Stepka, thanks for giving me some insights into this-- could help explain a lot about why I usually fall into the "FriendZone" or get used as the "PracticeGirl"! Gotta love City-Data Relationship Forum-- much cheaper than Therapy!
there is nothing wrong in straightforwardness. being frank and honest is a sign of confidence.
but do you put across your positive qualities enough?
Location: On the "Left Coast", somewhere in "the Land of Fruits & Nuts"
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Sorry there "tg", but gotta agree with "coolhand" that from what you've indicated, the place to start looking for answers is by taking a hard look at yourself, especially whenever we seem to be having the same problem, over and over and over!
The "never married", etc. in all that time is always a big red flag to me, along with the lack of "close friends" (your "relocation" notwithstanding.... so you don't do phones or emails?). You're obviously interesting and attractive enough to get dates, so the question is why always the same kind, and why do they so quickly start assessing your "other values" (like your friends) rather than you? Not to mention I'm hearing "issues" with any woman who makes broad (sexist) statements like "I preferred getting feedback from females here instead of male feedback. For one thing, reading comprehension is important..."!
Just a wild guess, and I may be totally off the mark, but am always amazed at the number of single "mature" women these days that will spend the entire first date talking about "them", and only them! And perhaps not coincidentally, it seems like these are also the very ones with histories indicating the most difficulty in the "long term relationship" department...
there is nothing wrong in straightforwardness. being frank and honest is a sign of confidence.
but do you put across your positive qualities enough?
Who said there was anything wrong with it? Flirting isn't the same thing as being dishonest or unconfident after all--it's just a sign that you might be interested in something further than a tennis game and when done well it makes everyone feel good. If I was talking to a man and he was only straightforward and not flirty at all, I'd assume that he's not interested in anything further than a friendship.
1. You sound like a desirable 50-year-old -- fun, honest, athletic, smart, etc. Good for you!
2. If you want to know how to land a man, ask a man. If your single lady friends knew the secret, they wouldn't be single. Besides that, why would they give tips to the competition?
3. You're in a very competitive market. As a guy who was briefly single in my late 40s (divorced) and again in my early 50s (widowed), I can tell you the dating advantage in that age range seems to heavily favor men. I'm not handsome nor rich and haven't been since my mid-30s, but I felt a little like a piece of manmeat. Women from their late 20s into their 50s were very openly flirting and actually conniving to get my attention. I don't say this as discouragement but to inform you of what you're up against. Sorry, but if you want a guy, learn to flirt and be a girly-girl. Your competition does/is, and it works. If you're unwilling to change your ways, fine, but don't expect your batting average to improve without making a change.
I'm a single female (never married, no kids, early 50s but active & young-looking) who has sadly come to realize that there's been an ongoing negative pattern in the the majority of my romantic/dating relationships: I'm seen as a convenience. As long as I'm "convenient" for a male, it's OK with him. But if he has to put much effort into being with me, it doesn't seem worth it to him and he moves on. This is based on years of dating experience (I'm in my early 50s, still active & young-looking.) I try to be optimistic & open-minded about dating but time & time again it becomes apparent to me that no male thinks of me as that valuable, worth their time & effort.
It's not as if I'm a doormat or a pushover, I'm outspoken & don't let other people push me around. And I think I have a lot to offer someone in a relationship-- I'm attractive, intelligent, creative, good conversationalist, fun, good sense of humor, active, a sports fan, caring, affectionate, passionate, etc. Yet, time and time again, the only men who show any interest in me are those who are in a transitional period in their lives: going thru a divorce, new to an area, etc. It's as if I'm the "practice woman", there for them to practice their social skills on & then move on to the "real" women in their lives. I'm so tired of being the "middle reliever"! Would like to be the "Closer" once and for all!
Just yesterday, I met someone to play tennis from an ad I placed looking for tennis players under "Activities" on Craigslist. This was an ad seeking male or female tennis players, I've met many tennis players this way. Well, turns out this guy was very nice, around my age, good tennis player though not as good as me since he hadn't played for a few years. We got a good workout & had fun playing tennis, everything was going fine, took some breaks where we sat in the shade & talked, got to know more about each other. I thought I made a good impression, conversation came easy & we had quite a few interests in common. He's new to the area, a widower w/ no kids, his wife died 4 yrs ago in a car accident, he's had some health problems & his job allows him to work from home. (He and I are both semi-retired.) He mentioned how he doesn't like always doing things alone, would be nice to have someone to go to a movie or a ballgame or out to eat together. Seemed like he expressed some interest in me & we made plans to play tennis again next week. At the same time, seemed like he might be interested in getting together before that. I left feeling upbeat that things had gone well.
Well, this morning, was shocked to get an email from him stating this: "It was great meeting you for tennis. I would definitely be interested in playing the lady you told me about as well as checking out the racquetball courts sometime" (we had talked about other racquet sports.) My reaction was WTF?? That's what he leads with, using me to find another female tennis player? I had never suggested he play tennis with this other woman, had just briefly mentioned that I sometimes played tennis with another woman my age but she was away for the next few weeks. And that I liked playing tennis against a variety of players anyway, that's why I placed my ad seeking more tennis players for weekdays. (I already have set tennis plans every weekend with my roommate.) I had NEVER mentioned setting him up with this other woman! When I emailed back, I just made a joke about keeping my list of other tennis players a secret and stated I'd see him for tennis next week.
I know I might be over-reacting but this feels like a slap in the face! Again, someone using me to get to know other people! Again, I feel like someone just looks right through me, that I'm not worth spending time with but maybe I know someone better? Guess I'm turning to this forum for feedback, especially from other females, need a female opinion, currently don't have a good female friend to ask. So, am I over-reacting? Also, advice on how to avoid always being put in the role of the "practice girl", the "helpful" friend or pal? I'm not a "demanding spoiled princess" type of female at all-- am I supposed to act that way in order to attract males or get respect from them???
There could be a chance that he did want to see You again, but he wanted your friend to come as well so that he can meet more people and/or to make you more comfortable as she is YOUR friend. I think if he invited another female on his side of things that it would be sus but he may be just trying to be social. The fact that he emailed you back is a good sign, im sure if he didn't like you then he wouldn't of emailed you at all.
I think you should give him a shot and get to know him a bit more. He sounds like a genuine man with a lot of qualities that you both can relate to.
You sound like a highly educated, smart women so use your intuition on this one. I was once told years ago by a wise women to always follow my gut when it comes to men and you will find the right answer. Eg, If you believe your man is cheating: Your heart will tell you to stay, Your head will tell you Leave but your Intuition has the best answer, because Intuition is knowing before you think.
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