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To the OP, when you say you're attractive, are men telling you that often, you're friends, or is it your own opinion? I ask b/c many women do something foolish like "cut their hair", and then female friends will say it looks "chic". But guess what, men don't give as damm about Chic!
Are the nails manicured, is the hair long, are the feet looking good, hows the bodyfat, acne issues? A lot of effort- especiallly when your are middle age- goes into being attractive.
Also, being very outspoken isn't a very attractive trait to most men. That's why I actively seek to avoid the "strong black women". No thanks! Men don't like to think that you feel u are smarter than them, even if u are.
Actually some women confuse outspoken with tactless.
And strong with stubborn.
A woman can be strong and outspoken and still be attractive.
She just has to have mastered the subtle intricacies of both of those that make them differ from their negative counter aspects.
Just realized that this guy probably sent me over the edge with this "one-two punch" -- Hey, I just met you, but could you introduce me to another woman? & Hey, I'd like to "poach" one your tennis partners!
But I know I've over-reacted and appreciate the helpful feedback I've received here, especially this:
Quote:
Maybe adopting a little conceit may help.
Feeling like you are worthy of any quality gentleman you choose would be a possible good choice.
People can sense things and they may be picking up on the fact that you resign yourself to the 'friend zone'.
Seems like excellent advice!
Number One: Definitely have to avoid being assigned to the "friend zone"!
Also, I think that because of my looks (short, curvy, Italian-looking), men usually view me in certain stereotypical ways, either "hot, sexy bombshell" or someone who loves to cook & takes care of everyone. (Years ago, I used to hear this: "You must love to cook!" No, not really.) Nobody sees me as an active, athletic woman who wins most of the time at tennis (I could make lots of money as a tennis "hustler"!) So I think I usually try to offset my appearance by behaving very confidently right from the start when I meet someone, whether it's for dating or for playing tennis. Don't see what's wrong with behaving confidently (isn't that what you're supposed to do?) but I might take it too far in order to send a certain message ("Don't think you can take advantage of me or push me around just because I look so sterotypically 'soft and feminine', curvy and cuddly!)
Thanks for all the responses, have given me lots to think about and guess I have things to work on..........
Avienne, sorry I didn't acknowledge your responses earlier, I appreciate that you seemed like the only responder who seemed to know what I was getting at, who was emphathetic. But my writing about being the "Invisible Woman" referred to the fact that men seem to discount me as a potential special person in their life, they seem to look thru me and around me for a "better", more "special" woman. (So maybe I should turn to a life of crime since people, especially men, don't notice me, it's like I'm invisible!)
No worries. I was just hoping that you weren't going to come away from this board feeling like everyone was out to get you. I've seen it happen to others on C-D.
In other news... One of my sisters did say that she didn't miss men at all once she got through menopause. She's a pretty lady, blessed with the same good genetics for youthful looks everyone in my family seems to have, plus she has THE most perfect smile on the planet and a mane of curly auburn hair, so it's not like men don't look her way, but... meh. She can't be arsed. She even warned me not to be surprised if I feel the same way when my time comes. As fate would have it and long medical story short, it is, and I have to agree. I love my man, but if we ever split up, I don't anticipate getting involved with someone else. If I wasn't already involved with one, I wouldn't bother. Once you lose your hormones, men almost become extraneous. At least it seems that way to me.
So, pardon the nosiness, but are you done with "the change" yet?
Avienne, yes I've already been thru the "change", ended about 4 years ago in 2006 (after almost 2 and a half years of on-and-off hot flashes!!)
Don't think you actually lose all your hormones, but have to admit that for me, there's been some lessening of interest in that department. But it's OK if I'm slowing down a little, still plenty of passion left. I couldn't keep going at my former intensity anyway because if I did, I'd probably be dead by now! Plus, men in my age group also tend to slow down a little by this age (despite all the Viagra.) And while for years, I had a pattern of always dating/getting involved with men 6 - 8 yrs younger than me & still find younger guys attractive, these days, I lean more toward finding a man closer to my age. (You suggested trying to date men 10 yrs younger than me since in your opinion, Baby Boomer men have more of a sense of entitlement--BTW, not sure I agree w/ that.) But for me, those days are done (dating much younger guys), though had lots of fun while it lasted!
It's not them, it's you. I don't know what it is exactly, but it's definitely you.
This is a thread about my crappy dating life which I wrote out of frustration back in November. While I did have a revelation or two, I did not come up with the ultimate answer.
Fast forward to a couple weeks ago, when I turned 40. What a miserable week - I won't go into everything that happened. And my birthday truly sucked. TRULY. That weekend I came across a self-improvement website - I was highly intoxicated at the time - and red a lot while sitting around drinking.
The next morning I woke up and I don't know why exactly but I thought, "The last few days were the greatest thing to ever happen to me." And I went to the bookstore and bought a book recommended by the website I enjoyed. It's about accepting yet letting go of bad feelings, not letting them become who you are. Long story short: Now I have men hitting on me all the time, at random.
So what do I think my problem was, now that I look back on it? I was walking around with a bitchy, negative, angry look on my face, because I felt angry and negative inside. Angry about my childhood, my divorce, my father... Now that I let stuff go, I'm actually in a good mood everyday. If I think of something that bothers me, it only stay with me for 1 minute or less.
As I said, I don't know what your problem is. But you do have one. A little self-examination may help you get to the root of everything.
Avienne, yes I've already been thru the "change", ended about 4 years ago in 2006 (after almost 2 and a half years of on-and-off hot flashes!!)
Don't think you actually lose all your hormones, but have to admit that for me, there's been some lessening of interest in that department. But it's OK if I'm slowing down a little, still plenty of passion left. I couldn't keep going at my former intensity anyway because if I did, I'd probably be dead by now! Plus, men in my age group also tend to slow down a little by this age (despite all the Viagra.) And while for years, I had a pattern of always dating/getting involved with men 6 - 8 yrs younger than me & still find younger guys attractive, these days, I lean more toward finding a man closer to my age. (You suggested trying to date men 10 yrs younger than me since in your opinion, Baby Boomer men have more of a sense of entitlement--BTW, not sure I agree w/ that.) But for me, those days are done (dating much younger guys), though had lots of fun while it lasted!
Onglet39, I remember reading your thread last year and identified greatly with you. Was amazed at all the criticism you received for knowing what you wanted in a relationship. And kept thinking: Why aren't intelligent, articulate, confident women more admired AND desired? I myself was lucky to be in a very good long-term relationship from my mid-20s to mid-30s where my boyfriend (same age) both admired and desired me, liked the fact that I was bright, witty, a good sparring partner, we competed athletically, respected each other & had intense physical passion-- the best of everything, it was like us against the world.
Unfortunately, toward the end, we both had moved in different directions (for one thing, where previously both us declared we had no interest in having children & I maintained that belief--happily--for myself, he wound up changing his mind about being child-free, which made us incompatible as a longer-term couple.) Since then, I have never been able to find a comparable romantic relationship. Maybe I was spoiled during that particular relationship & left it with very high standards? I know I don't put up with being treated badly, don't put up with crap. Seems like many women are so desperate to be in a relationship, any relationship, especially past a certain age, that they'll put up with anything from being bored to death to being taken advantage of monetarily to the extremes of being verbally or physically abused. Not me, first sign of that and I'm out the door! You'd think my self-sufficiency & independence would be seen as positive characteristics-- I'm not needy & dependent, not clingy & possessive, don't demand tons of expensive gifts from a man, give a man his own space for his own interests since I have my own interests, and I'm active, fun and passionate. But apparently, most men are intimidated by confident, intelligent, self-possessed women? I know someone else started a thread here about this very subject, I'm just about to read it now.
Onglet39, sounds like you've had some important insights & reached some important conclusions:
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So what do I think my problem was, now that I look back on it? I was walking around with a bitchy, negative, angry look on my face, because I felt angry and negative inside.
Good to think about, I've been accused here in this forum of being a jaded, negative, cynical person myself. However, I've always been aware that it's important to look upbeat, positive, friendly & approachable, whether you're trying to meet new people, find a new romantic relationship or just be out there in the world. And I'm someone who looks happy, smiling, etc, especially when I'm doing something I love, like playing tennis (think I look my absolute happiest when I'm on a tennis court!) However, I think it would be a shame, Onglet39, if women like you and me feel that we constantly have to "dumb it down" just to seem acceptable to most men in the dating world! I'm going to hold on to my hope that there's men out there who appreciate confident, intelligent women!
you sound like a woman who just needs a man who understands feminine energy and love to show you that you have more to offer to a man than you understand and respect
you sound like a woman who just needs a man who understands feminine energy and love to show you that you have more to offer to a man than you understand and respect
tg09, I don't have much more to offer here as much has been said and as we don't know you and how you appear to the world, it's hard to say. But I can offer this possibility: I know some people who are clueless about flirting. They come off to the opposite sex as very straightforward and because of that, appear to be uninterested. Could that be a problem with you? The people i know who have problems with flirting were usually single longer than other people and are generally friendzoned because they were equally nice to everyone.
As for this man, the tennis partner. I'd say take it as offered and hang with him and be friends and introduce him to yours. Who knows--he might have a friend that would like to date you. Or you guys could set up doubles with your FF and one of his MFs.
With your tennis you have a perfect way to meet friends, so just keep doing what you're doing and be patient. I know it's hard to be patient when you feel you're ready to date, but just believe with all your heart that there is someone out there for you, and you'll meet him. Or at least you'll be happier in your life. It's actually a good thing that SOs are so hard to find--just think how inconvenient the world would be if there were way more potentials out there--trying to stay in a relationship for instance and you were always meeting people who are extremely attractive to you.
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) So I think I usually try to offset my appearance by behaving very confidently right from the start when I meet someone, whether it's for dating or for playing tennis. Don't see what's wrong with behaving confidently (isn't that what you're supposed to do?) but I might take it too far in order to send a certain message ("Don't think you can take advantage of me or push me around just because I look so sterotypically 'soft and feminine', curvy and cuddly!) 
how about a date
