Feel like I'm always the "Practice Girl"! Need Feedback & Advice! (dating, wife)
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I'm a single female (never married, no kids, early 50s but active & young-looking) who has sadly come to realize that there's been an ongoing negative pattern in the the majority of my romantic/dating relationships: I'm seen as a convenience. As long as I'm "convenient" for a male, it's OK with him. But if he has to put much effort into being with me, it doesn't seem worth it to him and he moves on. This is based on years of dating experience (I'm in my early 50s, still active & young-looking.) I try to be optimistic & open-minded about dating but time & time again it becomes apparent to me that no male thinks of me as that valuable, worth their time & effort.
It's not as if I'm a doormat or a pushover, I'm outspoken & don't let other people push me around. And I think I have a lot to offer someone in a relationship-- I'm attractive, intelligent, creative, good conversationalist, fun, good sense of humor, active, a sports fan, caring, affectionate, passionate, etc. Yet, time and time again, the only men who show any interest in me are those who are in a transitional period in their lives: going thru a divorce, new to an area, etc. It's as if I'm the "practice woman", there for them to practice their social skills on & then move on to the "real" women in their lives. I'm so tired of being the "middle reliever"! Would like to be the "Closer" once and for all!
Just yesterday, I met someone to play tennis from an ad I placed looking for tennis players under "Activities" on Craigslist. This was an ad seeking male or female tennis players, I've met many tennis players this way. Well, turns out this guy was very nice, around my age, good tennis player though not as good as me since he hadn't played for a few years. We got a good workout & had fun playing tennis, everything was going fine, took some breaks where we sat in the shade & talked, got to know more about each other. I thought I made a good impression, conversation came easy & we had quite a few interests in common. He's new to the area, a widower w/ no kids, his wife died 4 yrs ago in a car accident, he's had some health problems & his job allows him to work from home. (He and I are both semi-retired.) He mentioned how he doesn't like always doing things alone, would be nice to have someone to go to a movie or a ballgame or out to eat together. Seemed like he expressed some interest in me & we made plans to play tennis again next week. At the same time, seemed like he might be interested in getting together before that. I left feeling upbeat that things had gone well.
Well, this morning, was shocked to get an email from him stating this: "It was great meeting you for tennis. I would definitely be interested in playing the lady you told me about as well as checking out the racquetball courts sometime" (we had talked about other racquet sports.) My reaction was WTF?? That's what he leads with, using me to find another female tennis player? I had never suggested he play tennis with this other woman, had just briefly mentioned that I sometimes played tennis with another woman my age but she was away for the next few weeks. And that I liked playing tennis against a variety of players anyway, that's why I placed my ad seeking more tennis players for weekdays. (I already have set tennis plans every weekend with my roommate.) I had NEVER mentioned setting him up with this other woman! When I emailed back, I just made a joke about keeping my list of other tennis players a secret and stated I'd see him for tennis next week.
I know I might be over-reacting but this feels like a slap in the face! Again, someone using me to get to know other people! Again, I feel like someone just looks right through me, that I'm not worth spending time with but maybe I know someone better? Guess I'm turning to this forum for feedback, especially from other females, need a female opinion, currently don't have a good female friend to ask. So, am I over-reacting? Also, advice on how to avoid always being put in the role of the "practice girl", the "helpful" friend or pal? I'm not a "demanding spoiled princess" type of female at all-- am I supposed to act that way in order to attract males or get respect from them???
maybe hes just sayin hed like to play with you again and keep playing with you when your normal partner comes back? maybe since you mentioned her he thought he was just a temp replacement till she got back
I'm a single female (never married, no kids, early 50s but active & young-looking) who has sadly come to realize that there's been an ongoing negative pattern in the the majority of my romantic/dating relationships: I'm seen as a convenience. As long as I'm "convenient" for a male, it's OK with him. But if he has to put much effort into being with me, it doesn't seem worth it to him and he moves on. This is based on years of dating experience (I'm in my early 50s, still active & young-looking.) I try to be optimistic & open-minded about dating but time & time again it becomes apparent to me that no male thinks of me as that valuable, worth their time & effort.
It's not as if I'm a doormat or a pushover, I'm outspoken & don't let other people push me around. And I think I have a lot to offer someone in a relationship-- I'm attractive, intelligent, creative, good conversationalist, fun, good sense of humor, active, a sports fan, caring, affectionate, passionate, etc. Yet, time and time again, the only men who show any interest in me are those who are in a transitional period in their lives: going thru a divorce, new to an area, etc. It's as if I'm the "practice woman", there for them to practice their social skills on & then move on to the "real" women in their lives. I'm so tired of being the "middle reliever"! Would like to be the "Closer" once and for all!
Just yesterday, I met someone to play tennis from an ad I placed looking for tennis players under "Activities" on Craigslist. This was an ad seeking male or female tennis players, I've met many tennis players this way. Well, turns out this guy was very nice, around my age, good tennis player though not as good as me since he hadn't played for a few years. We got a good workout & had fun playing tennis, everything was going fine, took some breaks where we sat in the shade & talked, got to know more about each other. I thought I made a good impression, conversation came easy & we had quite a few interests in common. He's new to the area, a widower w/ no kids, his wife died 4 yrs ago in a car accident, he's had some health problems & his job allows him to work from home. (He and I are both semi-retired.) He mentioned how he doesn't like always doing things alone, would be nice to have someone to go to a movie or a ballgame or out to eat together. Seemed like he expressed some interest in me & we made plans to play tennis again next week. At the same time, seemed like he might be interested in getting together before that. I left feeling upbeat that things had gone well.
Well, this morning, was shocked to get an email from him stating this: "It was great meeting you for tennis. I would definitely be interested in playing the lady you told me about as well as checking out the racquetball courts sometime" (we had talked about other racquet sports.) My reaction was WTF?? That's what he leads with, using me to find another female tennis player? I had never suggested he play tennis with this other woman, had just briefly mentioned that I sometimes played tennis with another woman my age but she was away for the next few weeks. And that I liked playing tennis against a variety of players anyway, that's why I placed my ad seeking more tennis players for weekdays. (I already have set tennis plans every weekend with my roommate.) I had NEVER mentioned setting him up with this other woman! When I emailed back, I just made a joke about keeping my list of other tennis players a secret and stated I'd see him for tennis next week.
I know I might be over-reacting but this feels like a slap in the face! Again, someone using me to get to know other people! Again, I feel like someone just looks right through me, that I'm not worth spending time with but maybe I know someone better? Guess I'm turning to this forum for feedback, especially from other females, need a female opinion, currently don't have a good female friend to ask. So, am I over-reacting? Also, advice on how to avoid always being put in the role of the "practice girl", the "helpful" friend or pal? I'm not a "demanding spoiled princess" type of female at all-- am I supposed to act that way in order to attract males or get respect from them???
Well if you're all of these things in bold, why do you have such a hard time making friends as well as keeping a man interested? Not trying to be an ass, but many of us think of ourselves in a flattering manner, but if aren't around people all that often and you don't have any friends how would you know? Sorry if that sounds harsh, I'm really not trying to be. Just wondering how someone with all of those appealing qualities is have so much trouble forming friendships and relationships. If it's any consolation, I don't think I'm such a bad guy either, but I don't have all that many friends, so I'm not putting you down.
Something tells me you just keep meeting the same type of man, hence the same outcome.
FWIW, Craigslist is probably not the ideal place to meet someone.
Without being there personally it seems to me he was just reaching for something "neutral" to talk about in order to make the email longer. Maybe he doesn't really know what else to say at this point. I'm not doubting your life experiences, but if you really just mentioned her in passing I think you are overreacting to this one. It doesn't sound like he is asking you to hook him up with her, how would he even know her marital/dating stauts if you didn't talk about it?
Well if you're all of these things in bold, why do you have such a hard time making friends as well as keeping a man interested? Not trying to be an ass, but many of us think of ourselves in a flattering manner, but if aren't around people all that often and you don't have any friends how would you know? Sorry if that sounds harsh, I'm really not trying to be. Just wondering how someone with all of those appealing qualities is have so much trouble forming friendships and relationships. If it's any consolation, I don't think I'm such a bad guy either, but I don't have all that many friends, so I'm not putting you down.
Something tells me you just keep meeting the same type of man, hence the same outcome.
FWIW, Craigslist is probably not the ideal place to meet someone.
Coolhand68, from your response I know why I preferred getting feedback from females here instead of male feedback. For one thing, reading comprehension is important! In response to what you said about my not having any friends (in bold print), I never stated that I don't have any friends! I said that right now, I don't have any good female friends-- I actually have 2 good male platonic friends & some female acquaintances. (partly that's due to the fact that I relocated fairly recently out of state.)
And when you pointed out that "many of us think of ourselves in a flattering manner but aren't around people al that often" -- what makes you think I'm not around people all that often? And I'm not a boastful person at all, not full of myself. But I do have positive qualities, was just trying to point out those qualities & that I try to make a good impression when I first meet someone.
Quote:
FWIW, Craigslist is probably not the ideal place to meet someone.
Gee, you think? I'm aware of the drawbacks of using Craigslist but I've successfully found other tennis players this way, both female and male tennis players. Most of the time we just play tennis but this time he and I happened to be close in age, we had nice conversations where we discovered some common interests & that we're both single. So why not try to see what else happens even if that was not the main purpose of our meeting? Tennis went well & we planned to keep playing. He seemed very open to getting together for other things. Then he threw me for a loop with his asking about meeting this other woman for playing tennis-- that came out of the blue! Can you understand how confusing that was? (and kinda like an insulting slap in the face!)
Still hoping for some thoughtful feedback & advice here. Thanks.
Coolhand68, from your response I know why I preferred getting feedback from females here instead of male feedback. For one thing, reading comprehension is important! In response to what you said about my not having any friends (in bold print), I never stated that I don't have any friends! I said that right now, I don't have any good female friends-- I actually have 2 good male platonic friends & some female acquaintances. (partly that's due to the fact that I relocated fairly recently out of state.)
That's your problem right there. You hate men. Not exactly a shocker that they don't want to stick around while you belittle them now is it?
Coolhand68, from your response I know why I preferred getting feedback from females here instead of male feedback. For one thing, reading comprehension is important! In response to what you said about my not having any friends (in bold print), I never stated that I don't have any friends! I said that right now, I don't have any good female friends-- I actually have 2 good male platonic friends & some female acquaintances. (partly that's due to the fact that I relocated fairly recently out of state.)
As a female, I have to say that I agree 100% with what Coolhand said...especially the part about meeting the same type of men and therefore, having the same outcome.
When things keep going the same way over and over and over again - something needs to change or you'll never have a different outcome. And since the only person you can control is yourself, then it's up to you to at least have some part in making that change
FWIW, I do think you may have overreacted a bit to his email. Maybe he didn't mean it quite like he wrote it and/or maybe you read more into it than what was necessary.
I'm 43, but my sisters are all in their early to mid-50s. From what they've all told me, this kind of cluelessness appears to be a common trait among Baby Boomer males in general, but it gets that much worse at mid-life.
When I was first divorced at age 38, I had to try to prove my sisters wrong, of course, because hey, that's what younger sisters are for. As a 38-year-old with no kids in tow is one hot commodity among men 10 years older, I had plenty of opportunities and...
Yeah. No. At the risk of offending some of the gents here, you could not pay me enough to date a Baby Boomer male. Too entitled. Too used to being catered to. Too insensitive in the way that your tennis date demonstrated. I sincerely believe it's a generational thing because men your age were born and went through early childhood before the sexual revolution. Their mothers were always around to do things for them and on some basic level, that's their concept of women. Their sense of entitlement is ingrained.
So, I'm going to suggest that you try someone ten years younger. You're in a perfect spot for that because many 40-something men have already had their kids and don't want any more, so now they're in it solely for the companionship. Plus, as Gen-Xers, many of them are just a wee bit more aware of women as equals and not "others" or "extras" who should be available at their beck and call when they feel like getting together. Just a wee.
Of course, this could all be completely off-base for your situation and maybe the guy just meant that you and he could play on a team against your friend and her husband or date in a game of doubles.
To the OP, when you say you're attractive, are men telling you that often, you're friends, or is it your own opinion? I ask b/c many women do something foolish like "cut their hair", and then female friends will say it looks "chic". But guess what, men don't give as damm about Chic!
Are the nails manicured, is the hair long, are the feet looking good, hows the bodyfat, acne issues? A lot of effort- especiallly when your are middle age- goes into being attractive.
Also, being very outspoken isn't a very attractive trait to most men. That's why I actively seek to avoid the "strong black women". No thanks! Men don't like to think that you feel u are smarter than them, even if u are.
I agree with jacktavern..............men are visual creatures and want what they cant have. just maybe you aren't as attractive as you perceive yourself to be.
let a man lead in a relationship and be the man and you'll have a happy relationship
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