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Wow, a lot of you are brutally honest. I'm a widow with three small children and haven't dated yet. Now, I'm very anxious about getting back out there.
Wow, a lot of you are brutally honest. I'm a widow with three small children and haven't dated yet. Now, I'm very anxious about getting back out there.
Hi happymomofthree,
I am sorry for your loss. Brutally honest is better than a lie.
Though a widow tends to carry no stigma. Not only will men not hold it against you, you will also get a feeling of sympathy. Quite honestly with a single mother I would feel like "the sucker". That feeling would not exist with a widow. When I was single, I would have considered a widow. Three children is tough, but you are not really in a similar category.
Oh puh-leeeze. The fact that you had problems in your relationship that you could not resolve, does not mean that plenty of others are not able to navigate successfully in their own. I am a single mom who happens to be happily involved with a childless man. Amazing, huh?
I'm not saying I won't date a single mom, but there are a few reasons why I would be likely not to get involved.
My g/f agrees, and says she probably wouldn't have got involved if my son had lived with me.
1. I don't like kids. I know I have a son, but that wasn't my choice, I was trapped by my ex. I've tried to make the most of it, but I'm not a natural parent. I wasn't ready, and, as such, probably could've been a better dad.
2 I like to go where I want, and do what I want, when I want. I can't be bothered arranging for sitters etc, I like to be impulsive. not have every trip require military planning. Yes, it's selfish, but I like to enjoy myself. Life is for living.
3. As the new guy, you always play second fiddle to the kids. As has been pointed out, parents have enough difficulty agreeing on things like discipline, how hard is it for a step-parent ? Look how many people on the "would you give your life" thread said they'd give their life for their kids, but not their spouse. That's not what I want from someone, especially if it's not my child.
4. I agree with the OP on some points. First, we will likely NEVER feel the same about your child. It's not ours, and our instincts tell us it's a threat to our genes. we will not have the same attachment.
And, you can't make us like them, if they're spoilt, they're spoilt. Just because they're your little precious, doesn't mean they're ours.
Maybe the single parents I've dated in the past were just bad examples, but they certainly seemed to have some sense of "entitlement".
Don't get me wrong, I'm not a single mom hater, things happen, and lives change, don't I just know that ! But, a lot of folks just don't want to get involved.
The same reasons I don't feel ready to have any more children of my own, are the same reasons why I don't want to get involved with someone whose kids live with them.
I'm sure I'm not the only one who feels like this, and these threads dealing with the issue show that.
It doesn't make me, or the others a bad person, as some seem to think, we like what we like, and that's it.
I'm not saying I won't date a single mom, but there are a few reasons why I would be likely not to get involved.
My g/f agrees, and says she probably wouldn't have got involved if my son had lived with me.
1. I don't like kids. I know I have a son, but that wasn't my choice, I was trapped by my ex. I've tried to make the most of it, but I'm not a natural parent. I wasn't ready, and, as such, probably could've been a better dad.
2 I like to go where I want, and do what I want, when I want. I can't be bothered arranging for sitters etc, I like to be impulsive. not have every trip require military planning. Yes, it's selfish, but I like to enjoy myself. Life is for living.
3. As the new guy, you always play second fiddle to the kids. As has been pointed out, parents have enough difficulty agreeing on things like discipline, how hard is it for a step-parent ? Look how many people on the "would you give your life" thread said they'd give their life for their kids, but not their spouse. That's not what I want from someone, especially if it's not my child.
4. I agree with the OP on some points. First, we will likely NEVER feel the same about your child. It's not ours, and our instincts tell us it's a threat to our genes. we will not have the same attachment.
And, you can't make us like them, if they're spoilt, they're spoilt. Just because they're your little precious, doesn't mean they're ours.
Maybe the single parents I've dated in the past were just bad examples, but they certainly seemed to have some sense of "entitlement".
Don't get me wrong, I'm not a single mom hater, things happen, and lives change, don't I just know that ! But, a lot of folks just don't want to get involved.
The same reasons I don't feel ready to have any more children of my own, are the same reasons why I don't want to get involved with someone whose kids live with them.
I'm sure I'm not the only one who feels like this, and these threads dealing with the issue show that.
It doesn't make me, or the others a bad person, as some seem to think, we like what we like, and that's it.
My thoughts to a tee.
The further I am from kids, the better. if this means instantly ruling out a woman with kids, so be it.
Wow, a lot of you are brutally honest. I'm a widow with three small children and haven't dated yet. Now, I'm very anxious about getting back out there.
Well happymomofthree first I like to say Im sorry for your loss. My mother was a widow. That being said I think you will find it easier being a widow than a divorcee. Most guys that have issues dating women with kids usually dont base it on the kids themselves.
I for one love children. I like being around them for the most part. So for me its not so much the kids themselves. I would much rather date you a widow whos kids may need a father figure to step up and help fill a void. Never to replace their father and never to forget him. But to be there for them and for you because he cant. For me that would be much much easier.
Now there are times when the kids themselves can be an issue. And thats when they are little brats that get no dicipline. There is nothing more frustrating for me than being around kids that are disrespectful and bratty and I cant dicipline them. Thats very hard to do.
But the big issue for me is constantly having the childrens dad in your lives. He always comes up in conversations. He calls during meals to talk to them. They go to soccer games together and birthday parties. They go together to get the kid braces. etc etc. Thats the nature of it and after dealing with it a couple times it just isnt worth it to most guys. As I said Ill never do it again. I get tired of dating my SO's ex husband too. Of course there are varying degrees of that ie.... he lives out of state.
I think for you the hard part for some guys will be competing with your deceased husband. When people die the tend to be remembered in a heroic sort of "did no wrong" kind of way. That can be hard to deal with. But i think you will find that you have less trouble than your divorced friends. Sorry for the long response. Good luck.
That is absoulty reasonable and expessed intelligently, Bobman (except #4). Kids arent for everyone. I think what chaps peoples butt is those that expess this with:
OMG NO MAN WANTS TO DATE A USED UP BIOLOGICAL FAILURE OF A SINGLE MOM. ALL THEY ARE GOOD FOR IS SEX BECAUSE THEY WILL TAKE ALL YOUR MONEY AND EXPECT YOU TO RAISE THEIR BRATS!
I dont agree with your #4 as a general statement. Too many people accept and love children that are not theirs biologically.
I remember when I once was online dating, and a guy said this to me:
"My 3 year old daughter is the number ONE woman in my life. So, where would you like to meet?"
There was no way I could ever compete with her, so I declined. To be a stepparent is a thankless task. It is not for everyone!
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The fact that you had problems in your relationship that you could not resolve, does not mean that plenty of others are not able to navigate successfully in their own. I am a single mom who happens to be happily involved with a childless man. Amazing, huh? 
