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Long story, shortened: We went together 4 years. He cheated, but worse lied to me over & over again about what he was doing, why it happened, blah blah. I took the blame becuz I loved him so much.
Second time caught him "before" the act. Again more lies. He did it "to get my attention". Huh.
So, broke off about 6 months ago and tried to remain friends. He kept feeding me this line of BS about me being his soul mate, more blah blah. So now I find out - not by him telling me, mind you - but by someone else that he has been seeing this someone for close to a freakin' year!
I told him repeatedly that as friends, he could tell me anything and I wouldn't judge. He tells me lies, and lies of omission.
I had enough and cut off all ties. What now happens to me is that "our" friends who are obviously his now tell me how miserable he is, and so sad. I can't feel sorry for him, but I am not telling these people what he did - it's no one's business. But I know too he has lied to them about he and I and his other relationships.
I am out of his life, but would like those who are still his friends to help him stop lying. He's going to destroy himself. And yes - I do love him and want the best for him, just not at my expense. How does someone stop lying?
There are any number of very professional liars out there, with elaphantine memories, who will never get caught. Their memories serve them too well.
They'll remember a well-constructed, waterproof lie they told years ago, just in case they're confronted with it some day, to make sure they never end up with egg on their faces.
And any of us could be currently involved with someone like that and not even know it.
To the OP: If you move on to another partner and your next partner is a compulsive liar, then it's time to do some soul-searching, investigate the theory of projection. That's what I'd do.
And always remember: The unconscious liar is the biggest liar of all.
They'll remember a well-constructed, waterproof lie they told years ago, just in case they're confronted with itsome day,
And any of us could be currently involved with someone like that and not even know it. So true...some of them are good..they never doubt their own lies and amazingly convincing to others.
And always remember: The unconscious liar is the biggest liar of all.
Yep, just second nature. I don't think their so good that they'll never be seen through, even the best liars trip up.
To the OP, they'll put a knife to the heart without thinking twice, I hate to say this, but its what narcissists and sociopaths are made of.
Unlike your case history in which you're married to the compulsive liar and are staying around to deal with it and correct it to a point that you can cope with, the OP isn't married to this man so why would you even suggest that she expend any more time and effort in attempting to "help" him. Surely four years of wasted time and effort is enough and she needs to get out, make some changes in her life to regain her self-esteem and self-worth and get on with life rather than investing any more time and energy in what has proven a hopeless cause?
Maybe you latched on to the comment she made about still loving him? I saw there was a big BUT involved with that. She still loves him enough to care about him and be concerned about him but obviously not to the point of throwing herself under the bus to try and change him. Cheers!
And maybe you read too much into what I said, or didn't pay attention.
I didn't suggest she spend more time on this individual; I answered her question (How can you help someone stop lying, in case you missed it).
In point of fact I told her outright that this guy's problem wasn't lying, it was cheating and thus lying would always be part of his equation. SHE was the one who placed him in "friend" status, which means there's an ongoing relationship, even if it isn't romantic.
And that's IT where this guy was concerned, except for the last line where I said I wouldn't take him back.
Anything else was in your head.
Last edited by Urban Sasquatch; 06-01-2010 at 05:53 AM..
Maybe your wife has more a compulsive spending problem and lies to hide that - but that isn't like some liars are.
The really bad liars lie about everything. They'll lie when there is no reason to lie at all. They'll lie about a big party they went to and lie about who was there. They'll lie about where they bought their clothes, who they saw at the store.
My kid was telling me about some people he had made friends with and he found out they were all just liars. He was saying how sick they were - how they lied about this and lied about that - I pointed out that he had lied to me on occasion and he said "but that's different, I had a good reason to lie, but these people lie when there is no reason". Lying to get out of trouble might be a little different than what some liars do.
She does lie about everything -- everything. I simply picked one of the most damaging examples in order to demonstrate how I've attempted to deal with it, by bringing my awareness of her lying and the damage it's caused to HER attention.
You see, liars are habitual; however, there's also a childish tendency for them to keep lying because they think they're getting away with it. And as with a child, it often requires repetition before a point gets hammered through -- after all, these are people who have reached adulthood and are often even approaching middle-age who have somehow managed to hang onto one of the most juvenile aspects of growing up: Failure to accept responsibility for one's selfishness.
In the end lying is about profit. It's about achieving ends, getting something one wants, reaping SOME kind of reward -- however fleeting -- and doing it by means for which one fears disapproval from someone else, fears some form of consequence.
Adults know we can't have everything we want in this world, and we know we're ultimately responsible for our actions and decisions. Liars are looking for a way around that.
And maybe you read too much into what I said, or didn't pay attention.
I didn't suggest she spend more time on this individual; I answered her question (How can you help someone stop lying, in case you missed it).
In point of fact I told her outright that this guy's problem wasn't lying, it was cheating and thus lying would always be part of his equation. SHE was the one who placed him in "friend" status, which means there's an ongoing relationship, even if it isn't romantic.
And that's IT where this guy was concerned, except for the last line where I said I wouldn't take him back.
Anything else was in your head.
I paid attention. What the OP actually said was, "I am out of his life, but would like those who are still his friends to help him stop lying." Maybe you misread, not I. You made an assumption that she was still his friend (even though she went to some lengths to say that although this was the case at some point, it was not now) and suggested she approach him in that vein. I'm sorry you feel so defensive about making a simple mistake.
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I know your not seeking advice....Separate bank accounts
