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As the wife, I'm finding this really challenging. And I don't really know anyone who has been through the same thing. In most cases it's the wife who has either retired early or never worked, and she's waiting for the husband to wind down. In our case, DH has been retired from full-time work for almost a year. He does still manage a business we have in another state, but his son is the day-to-day manager there, so this isn't a daily endeavor. He does travel there for about a week every other month.
In the last year DH has made some poor choices regarding both the business and some personal behaviors (infidelity) that I have yet determined how to work through. There is no medical issue -- just idle hands and poor impulse control. But, honestly, I don't know that I can handle 10+ more years of wondering if he's doing something productive with his time, or something destructive.
We're looking at counseling, etc., but it comes down to this: I've got a career, and a challenging one. I've just received a promotion that will require a lot of focus from me. I like what I do and I want to keep doing it. It's also important to our financial retirement plans that I continue working. He's not in a position to go back to full-time or even part-time work (please trust me on this and don't give me a bunch of options -- it's a simple case of a background check making him virtually unemployable in most cases).
The infidelity bit is still raw and unresolved, so I know that's what's driving much of this. But I honestly just kind of wish he would "go away" for about ten years. Then I'd not be worrying about what he's doing or not doing, or feeling bad about not taking tons of time off to do things with him. Then when I'm ready to retire we can look at each other and decide if we want to start anew as a retired couple.
Has anyone else dealt with something similar? Any advice to offer about how to navigate this?
My husband is retired and I'm not but I work from home. The only issue I have is to have to remind him once in awhile to do housework but it's not bad. When reading your post it reminded me of a woman who's husband owned a business and when they divorced she claimed he hid everything, in other words setting it up so there was not much to split. I'm not saying this is the case but I'd make sure you know your financial situation, including what his business.
So you ASSUME...because SHE stated... "IF" he did...
Again, many of you are passing judgement on someone you DON'T KNOW, nor know any HARD FACTS of a domestic issue, because you WANT to blindly believe one side of a personal issue.
Until HE states HIS side, this is worthless. No one can accurately judge anything.
Unfortunately, those of us who have endured the pain of cheating will only have one answer. Mine was a long time ago, when the possibility of getting a veneral disease was prevalent & it was an issue of staying in the marriage & risking that, or getting a divorce. I chose to make sure I was safe.
As others have mentioned, there are a lot of factors going on here.
Only you, your husband and possibly a therapist can resolve the current and long term impacts of the infidelity and of some of his choices. I do believe you both need to evaluate where you are now, where you'd like to be incrementally every few years and where you'd like to be at retirement.
Honestly the biggest thing that struck me is that your husband seemingly didn't retire TO something. He retired FROM something. I'm assuming that you both knew you would be working for a few more years and that he would need to be self-entertaining. IMO he needs to find interests and occupations that don't require you. Or may indeed be things you really don't LIKE to do.
I wish you the best in navigating a new way for your relationship to play out.
So you ASSUME...because SHE stated... "IF" he did...
Again, many of you are passing judgement on someone you DON'T KNOW, nor know any HARD FACTS of a domestic issue, because you WANT to blindly believe one side of a personal issue.
Until HE states HIS side, this is worthless. No one can accurately judge anything.
I think you may be missing the point. OP did not ask us to determine whether or not her husband had been unfaithful. She asked us for advice as to what she should do, given the situation as she has presented it. That advice is what most posters have been giving her.
His being at home with idle time on his hands did not just start his infidelity. I'd bet he's been unfaithful your whole marriage but being home he has gotten caught. Whatever you are hiding about his background check and him not being able to return to work, I really dont care about. You say you dont want a bunch of opinions, so I won't bother you with any.
You will stay and put up with his infidelities, and there WILL be more, or you will move on. Saddest is you have only City-Data to air your dirty laundry on to folks you don't know. At least you are employed and have income!
OP here. You haven't lost me. I wasn't unable to log in via tablet for a few days and had to get to my desktop to reset.
Just to clarify a few things: I'm 51, he's 64. Married 14 years. He has adult children, I have no children.
The infidelity is admitted and documented (in a binder with tabs, even, because that's how I roll). It wasn't a long-term thing, but a series of short-term things. I'm not sure if one is any better or worse than the other. Counseling is on deck for me so I'm able to work through it and decide what I want to do. It's not a done deal that I leave or that I stay -- all very much in flux. And yes, I can support myself, have met with counsel and have gotten those ducks in a row. I do have support from appropriate forums.
The record I was aware of when we married 14 years ago, and I knew it could affect his work life once business at a particular employer dried up. It dried up about a year ago. I wasn't mentioning the record as a personal detractor, but in anticipation of many comments that would likely recommend he find different work/go back to work/etc. -- I just wanted to get ahead of that line of thought. He IS contributing. He has some healthy pensions and is drawing SS. With my recent raise I will finally match what he brings in not working.
I know it's hard to separate the infidelity piece, and I probably shouldn't have dropped that in there. Setting that aside for a moment, I suppose I never really considered what he'd actually be doing all these years while I'm still working. We just sort of got there one day, with the passage of time, and I'm not necessarily at ease with it all.
Thanks for all input, no matter how rough or coarse.
Unfortunately, those of us who have endured the pain of cheating will only have one answer. Mine was a long time ago, when the possibility of getting a veneral disease was prevalent & it was an issue of staying in the marriage & risking that, or getting a divorce. I chose to make sure I was safe.
Not at all. Infidelity doesn't have to be the deal breaker. You can heal as a couple and end up with a stronger marriage. It's not easy, but it can be worth it.
Or you can decide that's his problem and it doesn't involve you. I've seen that, too.
But I have to be honest...for most people it's a deal breaker.
"most likely always has been" Show your evidence, (not hearsay) of this statement. I am waiting.
I am not supporting ANYONE. Try to quote where I did. You can't do it.
Are you the OP? Why are you quoting me, where I was talking to the OP, and responding as if I had been talking to you?
Scratching my head here.
Last edited by NoMoreSnowForMe; 01-04-2017 at 12:25 AM..
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