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I took care of an ill wife and that is something I will never do again. I am 75 and I will not hookup with a woman near my age as I fear health issues. Her a burden to me or me a burden to her. I do not wish that on anyone.
I stay busy playing golf and socializing with my fellow golfers who are between 65 and 80. I have a young, single mother who I "help out". She satisfies my needs for female companionship and my sexual needs. Quite well I might add..LOL
If a younger, healthy woman came along (say 40 to 60) I would consider a closer boy friend/girl friend type relationship but never living together nor marriage. I am not looking for such but if it happens fine. I am quite satisfied with my life.
I wonder how long that younger woman, or the current single mother in your life would hang around if you became a burden.
I wonder how long that younger woman, or the current single mother in your life would hang around if you became a burden.
I do not expect them to hang around. Same as I will not put myself in a position to do it for someone else. I was quite willing to do it for my wife of 40 years but never again for anyone else. Yes my young friend knows it is casual and it will end but we will enjoy it while we can. I would be very happy if Mr Right came along for her. I would wish her nothing but the best. We have talked about it. She also has said she has several friends in her situation that would like a friend like me. If Mr Right comes along for her, I will then interview some of her friends....LOL
Not to change the discussion but I have the financial means to have myself taken care of but I am an advocate of a quality life. When I determine I can no longer lead a quality life, I will deal with it. I have read The Final Exit by Derek Humphry. I am prepared.
There isn't anyone out there who has managed to become ancient without some baggage! A friend of mine says almost daily she won't be a nurse or a purse! And I found a lot of the people out there looking are very needy. Women who never handled money and men who can't do their own laundry or pick up after themselves.
That said, there is nothing wrong with having some fun and seeing what's out there. I found one!
That's how I feel also. I have a decent pension and I don't need a man in my life for financial stability and I don't want to become a cook and housekeeper again for a man who may never have learned to take care of himself or his home. Also after nursing my terminally ill husband his last few years I don't want to do that again either. I also understand if a man wouldn't want to get involved with me with my previous medical history of breast cancer.
While I have dated some since being widowed I haven't found anyone who I wish to marry and spend the rest of my life with. I'm rarely lonely and I love not having anyone by myself and my cat to be responsible for at this point. I wouldn't object to finding a man to go out with occasionally as long as it was understood that we lived apart, took care of our finances and split the bill when it came to outings.
Some people are just wired to want lots of friends and be married or in a relationship. I used to be that way but I've grown a lot in the last 7 years of widowhood. I am content and happy by myself. I have no regrets of past loves or any desire to get in touch with any of them.
I willing to take care of my husband because we're in a long marriage. I've been sick before and he was there through thick and thin. I will do the same for him.
However, I have no plan to remarry. Living in sin is the next best option or saving money for the next cabana boy, humming Tina Turner's song "What's love got to do with it" in my head. Hey that's my plan for aging.
all these comments about men not doing anything around the house - does that include what would be considered "man" chores? You know like yard and car stuff? If you women are also doing that, then I would say - no go. But even if he hires that type of stuff out - it is still a win. To me anyway.
Other than veggie gardening, I do not want to have anything to do with a lawn mower unless it is an absolute emergency and all the lawn mower people in town have ridden off into the sunset. As for vehicle maintenance, sure I learned how to change a tire on a 5-ton in the military, but that does not mean I want to do it now.
My roommate does all those things so I don't mind getting the groceries and cleaning up. I hope he notices what I do and doesn't tell people I don't do anything just because I am never pushing a lawn mower.
Past a certain age the family of the partners or husband and wife who marry late in life can become a problem. My SIL was with an older man who had a little money for over 15 years. She missed out on her grandkids lives some because she wintered in Florida. They were not his kids and were not treated as family by him so she did not get to see them often. His own children though started acting differently with the SIL as his health started failing. They became rude because they assumed she would inherit or be given part of their inheritence. She left him last year because she decided she didn't want to be the free care giver to an old man as he started going down and to have his kids being so cruel to her. She does not want to be around for the fight over his money.
She is much happier as a single, living close to her son, and really getting to know her 3 grandkids.
Your post makes me see equal amounts of compassion (for your friend and her ailing friend) and rage (at stupid, selfish children). Mean, greedy, insecure people SUCK!
I understand you perfectly. I am a bit younger than you and have been divorced 40+ years. In the early days I dated with the idea of finding a second husband. Found too many men with too many problems of their own. Somewhere along the line, I gave up. I guess I wasn't desperate enough, as I was earning a good living on my own.
I also used to focus on that song. Then I realized, that yes, this is all there is. It is up to me to find enjoyment in my life (and let go of the idea that a person must always be productive, contribute to society, and be busy busy, busy).
Many days I focus on the little things... the sun is shining, it's a beautiful day, nice to sit outside for awhile, watch the birds and squirrels, and the occasional hummingbird. Go to the dog park to laugh at the antics of the little dogs, and get some social time with the other dog parents. I take Osher classes occasionally to keep my brain stimulated. I looked into bird watching a while back. I thought it would be a nice way to spend time outdoors without requiring any athletic activity. Found out they meet up at 6am for their little excursions and I am not a morning person.
I would love to take some trips. I have enough money to go on a few, but have nobody to go with. That's hard. And I have my share of medical issues which drains my energy very quickly. No, I don't like the idea of traveling on my own, not even with a group tour.
Sometimes I think how nice it would be to have a partner to share life and activities with. But at this stage, the men in my generation are not so attractive (neither am I). And as others have said, a partner could be there to take care of you when you need it, or it could be the reverse... you end up taking care of him. I don't have the energy to do that.
I like your attitude!
I am also younger than the OP and I have been divorced for 30 years. I never found anyone who I would want to marry. About 11 years ago, I took a company relocation to an area where I knew no one. I did not make the effort to make friends beyond work. I retired in June 2016, so now I have very little interaction with people and no work friends to socialize with save for an occasional birthday celebration. I am not attracted to elderly looking men; and not looking to take care of anyone. I am stuckj in the past---My idea of an attractive man is a virile guy in their mid 30s or 40s; whom I could not attract given my current looks and weight. Yes I still worry about my weight.
One thing I do is to go on pretty exotic overseas trips with travel groups catering to Seniors or Singles. I find there are always energetic women 55-75 traveling "alone". I've have made two nice friendships this way. There is absolutely no stigma to travel as a single. Please don't stop yourself from travel because you have no one to go with. Some women with husbands do travel together, and by the end of the trips I have taken I have not felt the need to be married to enjoy travel; or share a room with a room mate.
I am enrolled to take courses offered by my Community College. Many CCs have reduced tuition for those over 60 and offer a multitude of interesting topics.
I have also tried meet-up groups and did make some connections in a Theater group (attending local plays) and in groups focusing on movies and dinner.
I have felt that my life is not really meaningful anymore too. I just have to work hard at helping myself make things interesting. Often my motivation lags so its my own fault if I feel bored.
True! Yes, demographics. Also, older single men almost always or very often want a woman who is 5, 10, 15 years younger than he is. It's an accepted practice. Sometimes 20 years younger, particularly if he's in good shape, still good looking, has money, or has prestige.....(but even without possessing those factors)
(no need to give examples of where this did not happen; it happens enough to be a norm, accepted practice, expectation, or common occurrence.)
Unfortunately true. When I was young, I could not believe the number of old men who hit on me when out in social circles. It appalled me, actually - especially in that I had a number of middle-aged, female friends who were STELLAR women: bright and beautiful who, though they found it amusing, must have been quietly hurt by this "accepted practice." As I stated in another post, I never married. This was part of the reason: that a woman could not age naturally and (in my eyes) gracefully, without worrying about losing their youth and therefore their attraction to men. Much worse here than in Europe (I believe, but have no facts to back it up).
Therefore, as I hinted in another post, if I were the OP, I advise working on cultivating my friendships with women, male friends and family members who would not feel unduly "burdened" by being there for her final chapter which we all must face.
One of the things I've noticed with the widows in my family and some older divorcees (though usually divorced later in life) is that they rarely put themselves back out there, not only in the romantic sense, but socially as well.
My grandmother, along with some other family members and congregants at some churches I've attended over the years, took care of a sick husband (sometimes quite a bit older than them), who ultimately passed away and the wife is widowed for a decade or more. My grandfather would have been 86 this year, my grandmother is 80. He passed away shortly before his 78th birthday at 77 in 2009. She had turned 71 that month and was still in good health for her age, but had been doing a lot of caregiving for him since probably 2004. She was probably 65 or so when his health become more fragile. That's a relatively young age. I can name probably a dozen women around her mage, many slightly older, who seemed to be just worn down from all the caregiving and never got back out there really.
My aunt was 49 when she lost her husband about six months after Papaw died in 2010. She's 56 now and hasn't dated since her husband died. She stopped attending church. Her activity now revolves taking care of grandmother and her step-grandson. I wouldn't go so far to say she has socially withdrawn, but if it's not a family or mandatory work function, it's unlikely she participates.
I simply think that getting out and socializing - seeing people, talking to people, doing things, etc. - can stave off a lot of the loneliness, with or without a romantic companion, though there is certainly a place for that as well.
One of the things I've noticed with the widows in my family and some older divorcees (though usually divorced later in life) is that they rarely put themselves back out there, not only in the romantic sense, but socially as well.
My grandmother, along with some other family members and congregants at some churches I've attended over the years, took care of a sick husband (sometimes quite a bit older than them), who ultimately passed away and the wife is widowed for a decade or more. My grandfather would have been 86 this year, my grandmother is 80. He passed away shortly before his 78th birthday at 77 in 2009. She had turned 71 that month and was still in good health for her age, but had been doing a lot of caregiving for him since probably 2004. She was probably 65 or so when his health become more fragile. That's a relatively young age. I can name probably a dozen women around her mage, many slightly older, who seemed to be just worn down from all the caregiving and never got back out there really.
My aunt was 49 when she lost her husband about six months after Papaw died in 2010. She's 56 now and hasn't dated since her husband died. She stopped attending church. Her activity now revolves taking care of grandmother and her step-grandson. I wouldn't go so far to say she has socially withdrawn, but if it's not a family or mandatory work function, it's unlikely she participates.
I simply think that getting out and socializing - seeing people, talking to people, doing things, etc. - can stave off a lot of the loneliness, with or without a romantic companion, though there is certainly a place for that as well.
I don't think it's because they are tired or worn down of caregiving. My SIL from U.K. divorced her husband around 2004, when she was 55 or 56, has not found anybody, no care giving happened. In fact, she dumped him and made fun of his illness when he was sick(I know terrible person). She's extremely social, youthful looking, at least that's what she always think of herself, and very active in church. But as she told us, when she showed up to some social functions, they were all couples. She felt odd. Something she didn't realize until she became single. Except for the young guy she had an affair with that led to her divorcing her husband, she has found no long term boy friend for nearly 12-13 years.
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