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This may sound dumb and if so I apologize but I think it applies.
3 years ago I lost my dog to poisoning and 6 months later I had to put the other down because her hips had gotten so bad she literally could not pick herself up to walk anymore. When I talked about getting another dog my husband, who is not a pet person, asked why I would even consider the possibility putting myself through such grief again because I take it so hard when I loose them. The answer was because they brought so much joy into my life when they were there. My point is I think that's how we have to look at all of life. When my dad passed I thought it would break me but I've been lucky enough to make it to the point that instead of grieving for him I can focus on the joy I had of him being in my life. I think that's all we can do.
My mom had died a few years before, just collapsed like she was unplugged from the wind machine. She had an artery in the heart burst. I suspect the doctor didn't tell her since if we knew whe'd have watched 24/7 waiting for a hit it was going to that day. But Dad lost it, and then was found to have cancer, which had effected his brain. Dad was occasionally himself, for a fleeting moment to just remind you. And I loved him but especially then, couldn't argue. That Dad was gone. I left him there when I moved, in the hospital as he could not live by himself, and felt a little guilty. But he'd already forgotten me. Sometimes he'd be convinced she was at the store. He had no idea who I was.
The doctor said he'd never improve, and when he was put on full time care he didn't remember Mom or me or any of his life. The doctor said he'd never get better, just worse. I tried to visit but he looked at me and didn't know, and since I couldn't bring what he wanted just said to go away.
It was such a deep loss. The cancer had gone from the lungs to the brain. It was a gift when he passed on, but then, he already had. I didn't want a house or people or a place that kept reminding me. The dad I loved would have expected all the details. But that dad was long gone already.
With my cats, I adopted them ten years ago. They were all kittens or young. They passed close together with a common illness in old cats, but to have all of them go so close was just numbing. Then I found the two little ones I have now. Both are kittens.They came from someone local but I just got through literally losing all of them. Most were old and yet they didn't seem to be. But one of those infections old cats get easily, and don't usually survive (and if they do they return) ran through them one at a time. My dogs were also in mourning, just always looking for them. (they all grew up together, and were pretty much one). I just slipped into maintaince mode and then got the kittens and was delighted. I have a feeling someone trapped some porch kitties, but the ones who hang around my door look like family and eventually someday someone is going to just walk in the door like some of the ones I had.
My dogs have taken to snuggling on cold nights. My bigger dog, shepard mix, likes to snuggle and the smaller healer finds her spot and we all stay nice and warm. They also are door bell Not only do I have a loud security squad, two yapping dogs, but the two people across the street do to, and their dogs go barking along, and with the house next to mine. I'd love to see how their 'security pack' would do to meet.
I also have a huge back yard. Its a pain to have to get it mowed so often. If I had a hose and water I would be doing a garden. Getting a hose set up is on the 'gonna stay might as well have one' list. I could do quite a big garden if I had water there. The small houses which are built and the big yard behind is pretty normal for 20's to 30's small houses since they would have had a garden.
I gave up on mowing it with my little electric, and figure its cheaper to pay someone with a gas one to mow. Most yards aren't fenced but with the dogs, and a few neighbors who didn't see why anyone would object to them wandering through your yard, I like it blocked.
I was a little unsure of moving here seeing I was born and raised in socal, but so long as I didn't try for a debate about politics or the like and kept it friendly, they are pretty good neighbors, more likely to say hello than people in socal if they didn't know you. Its simple. Be nice to people and they'll be nice to you.
The one thing which has made a HUGE difference for me is the internet, and places like Amazon and Walmart where I can sit in the comfort of my chair, order things needed which would require a long ride to the next bigger city, and watch the prices and make sure I'm not going over my limit, and have it show up in a box a few days later. And as your expenditures are right in front of you, you know when you are spending past the budget. And as literally everyone corner to a few houses down has a couple of dogs, including larger ones, nobody is complaining.
I'd never have considered this but a dear friend of mine who was sadly was very ill had me stay with them when I went out to the Jericho con in Kansas, and had suggested here being a good place to look. And I'd already picked out my house before we left California. So that trip truely was a game changing moment in my life.
But when I decided it was okay to think of *leaving* California, and its culture and feel which I still loved and still do, it was the big moment of setting myself free. Socal especially wasn't what I'd grown up with and it was all horribly expensive and the apartment with rent aide was a nightmare and I'd never even considered I could have a house of my own. And it still reminds me of the small house my Grandmother had before her stroke.
I often wonder how many of my generation are finding that what they want is something quite different as they age and reconnect with things past as well.
I do not put much faith in the healthcare profession as most of the posters and society does. Pills and surgeries to remove disease are profit generators. Prevention is necessary to live pain free and doctor free. I do not eat animals,nor do I eat dairy. Plant based nutrition has eliminated my inflammation and doctor visits. Dairy and animal meat increase chronic illness and body inflammation. I would suggest that people change their attitudes towards nutrition and tell their loved ones to do the same.
yes, that is A LOT of loss, and frankly a lot of trauma. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this.
I lost my best friend and her mother (also my mentor) in my early 20s. I kind of just tuned out for a while and careened through life like a driverless car. Those were my lost years where I drifted emotionally and clung to people who weren't a good idea but offered the only safety I could find. Re-emerged at 25 and righted myself eventually. I'm in my early 40s now.
All I can suggest is that you rebuild some sort of community for yourself. Reach out to people who you may have lost touch with. Join groups for people in your age group or for interests you have. If you're curious about anything, try to explore it. Don't prevent yourself from forming connections based on age or gender. Just put yourself out there. I realize it seems like a big step to leave yourself vulnerable after such loss, but you might as well take that leap.
I'm only 42, but a lot of my relatives were quite elderly. I have lost most of them in the past decade. It's been incredibly painful as I used to be quite close to them. I know soon my father will be on that list.
I kind of just tell myself it's the circle of life and all that junk. I mean, most of the people I've lost were in their 80s or 90s. That's a good long run. I just consider myself lucky to have known them. Grieve, appreciate and continue to reach out, I guess is my approach. I think it's harder as an older person, but not impossible.
Oh lordy. I can't imagine going through what you're going through Rosemary. That's a lot to process. All I can tell you is what a coworker told me after her husband died in his 50's. One foot in front of the other, one day at a time. There's nothing hat can erase the pain but time. Let yourself grieve as you see fit and just do the best that you can. Hugs.
I just take it as all part of life - a transition to the other side.
As for your husband - even that was his time.
It wasn't his time. The autopsy revealed he was fairly healthy. When people put a bullet in their head, it's because they DECIDE to be dead. It has nothing to do with a divine plan. Of that, I am sure.
And I hope and pray, that if you encounter anyone else in your life that lost their husband or child to suicide, that you will never again repeat that phrase: "It was their time."
It wasn't his time. The autopsy revealed he was fairly healthy. When people put a bullet in their head, it's because they DECIDE to be dead. It has nothing to do with a divine plan. Of that, I am sure.
And I hope and pray, that if you encounter anyone else in your life that lost their husband or child to suicide, that you will never again repeat that phrase: "It was their time."
Yes, very insensitive and WRONG to boot....such a stupid phrase.
I'm very sorry RosemaryT, can't imagine the heartache you've been through.
Haven't read entire thread but have you considered some counseling for yourself? Or a support group?? You could use someone to lean on who knows exactly what you've been through...
It wasn't his time. The autopsy revealed he was fairly healthy. When people put a bullet in their head, it's because they DECIDE to be dead. It has nothing to do with a divine plan. Of that, I am sure.
And I hope and pray, that if you encounter anyone else in your life that lost their husband or child to suicide, that you will never again repeat that phrase: "It was their time."
I had an uncle that has shingles really bad for years and was always in pain. He ended it all with the car running the garage. He was close to 80 years old and just couldn't take it anymore. I remember seeing him the last few months of his life and he just looked so sad and you could tell he was in great pain.
I'm only 59. About 2-1/2 years ago, my husband - whom I dearly loved and prayed for and cherished every day - came home for lunch and put a bullet in his brain. I lost everything. EVERY SINGLE THING. The house, the car, my income, my social standing, my career, etc. Suicide will mess you up. Enough said about that.
One year ago, my sister-in-law died. She was my favorite part of the siblings. She was a bright shining light and as I told her (repeatedly), she was the epitome of God's perfect love walking on this earth.
Last week, my "second mother" died. Through a period of 20 years, she and I had formed a bond that was very close. We were supposed to take a trip this month. We'd been talking about it for some time.
Three of the most important people in my world are dead in less than three years.
Please don't suggest counseling, as I'm already seeing someone who's wonderful but we have the bare-bones fact that this is a lot of loss in a short time. I suspect it's part of getting older, but how do you navigate so much loss? I guess I want to hear real life examples and stories.
Thanks.
I am sorry for you. I'm sure you've heard those words a lot the past few years, it doesn't help, but people say it anyway.
I will say this, misery loves company, but not in a negative way, I think you'll be best served by talking to others who also lost a lot in a short time. They understand, in a way that most people who haven't experienced anything like it can really comprehend.
My mother died unexpectedly last year, along with my aunt. I am younger than you, 41. I find it hard to think that I have so much further to go in my life without those two alongside me. After they died, my father lost his mind and pushed away his family. He now has a gold digger living with him, he pays her thousands each month to be with him. She's a convicted felon multiple times over, for cocaine/drug abuse and check/bank fraud. So I lost my father too, in less than a year as well. Any inheritance I might have received one day is gone. My daughter will have to grow up without having any grandparents, as neither I nor my wife want to have anything to do with him anymore.
It's been difficult to feel joy about anything. The only things that help are my wife and child. Even with that, I am quick to anger about things. I have trouble just exerting the energy needed to function as normally as possible, to "keep it together." The holidays are the hardest. A random Wednesday, in May, on a regular work day... I can get by as days like that are not significant in any way. The holidays though, throw everything in sharp focus. I miss what I had, I miss my family. I go through the motions for my wife and daughter, but it takes so much effort just to go through the day.
It's exhausting, mentally and physically. I have to force myself to do "normal" things like go out to dinner, plan a vacation, make plans with friends, etc. All those things represent life... moving along, and I don't want to move along, I want to just have everything frozen... I know I can't go back to what I had, but I don't want to go forward yet, either. I'm not ready.
But life doesn't stop, and it drags you along with it, whether its kicking or screaming, or just too tired to fight it anymore. I know so far, none of this helps, except maybe knowing that there are other people out there in pain too... You're not alone in that regard. You have to force yourself to move forward. Plan something fun to do, even if you feel it's pointless. And maybe one time, you'll have a bit of fun during a moment when your body and mind aren't feeling depressed. That's my hope anyway... I force myself to do things I don't want to do in the hopes that I can get a few moments where I'm not dwelling on everything I've lost.
I saw this the first day you posted and I have been thinking about it. No one lives to be my age without losing friends and family. And many of us lost a spouse or SO.
Years ago I learned an important lesson. Stop trying to change things you can't change. All the grief in the world will never bring back this person/people/pet you love. All this grief just serves to waste the time I have left. All these people who died would never have wished or wanted me to do anything but go on to live the best life possible. They would have wanted me to have a ball. Their time was up but mine wasn't. That's not something I can change. One of these days my time will be up too. Until then I will love the people I have left and make sure they know it. I will have the best life I can!
When I die, I hope the friends I have left will have a party or at least raise a glass to me and my life. Then I want no grief. Go out and have the best life possible! My time was up and theirs was not!
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