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That was our joint hope. That would have been perfect, flying in and out once a week or so.
However, his manager put the kibosh on that notion, then reiterated it in his annual review. He either does what he's doing now or he retires. No middle ground, no accommodation.
Did you see this on paper or hear it verbally from the manager?
Did you see this on paper or hear it verbally from the manager?
It was related to me by my spouse.
I am not allowed to use the word "lie" but he does twist things -- sometimes so outrageously that it's hard to keep a straight face -- to try to manipulate me.
He told me not to post any of this to C-D. He doesn't want me to have anyone to talk to, except him. Which might be fine except that when I try to tell him how I feel, he blows me off. I can tell he's not listening. Probably doing math in his head and impatiently waiting for the bleating sounds from his wife to stop so he can get back to watching TV.
I believe he doesn't see me -- or anyone, really -- as an actual human being but rather as a useful owned object or an appendage. It must seem absurd to him that his left arm is telling him it wants to live in another state.
Answering a few other questions...
He is 68.
"When is enough, enough?" This feels like it. Enough, already!
I am not allowed to use the word "lie" but he does twist things -- sometimes so outrageously that it's hard to keep a straight face -- to try to manipulate me.
He told me not to post any of this to C-D. He doesn't want me to have anyone to talk to, except him. Which might be fine except that when I try to tell him how I feel, he blows me off. I can tell he's not listening. Probably doing math in his head and impatiently waiting for the bleating sounds from his wife to stop so he can get back to watching TV.
I believe he doesn't see me -- or anyone, really -- as an actual human being but rather as a useful owned object or an appendage. It must seem absurd to him that his left arm is telling him it wants to live in another state.
Answering a few other questions...
He is 68.
"When is enough, enough?" This feels like it. Enough, already!
Fluffy, you NEED to get away from that control freak.
GO to you retirement home. Enjoy yourself.
He'll either come to you, or file for divorce (haha, as i dont think he can live without you).
GO you deserve it.
When he sees you are serious about the retirement property, he'll come around, especially if he doesnt like coming home to an empty house.
Hes like my FIL, playing games to get his way. Well we cut my FIL off and you can do that with him. As long as you do things his way, you are playing his game and enabling him to continue the behavior he has been doing.
So GO and enjoy.
He'll come around.
( ps. Hes probably like my OH....doesnt like change. But at least my OH agrees we move to warmth when we are able to [after FIL passes]).
I can understand your husbands reluctance to retire. Had my wife’s health not forced us to move to a climate more conducive to her health improving,I’m not sure I would have retired yet. Not having a plan for what I’d do with all my free time was a huge concern for me. That, plus the fact that men tend to think of themselves as the great provider, had me feeling worthless when I first retired.
I think your husband is fearful of the unknown, which a lot of us men are. I think you should let him know that you’re moving with or without him, and he is welcome to come join you when he’s ready to retire.
This is what I was going to say. It's also fear of change. My DH liked the idea of moving in retirement until the last month before we actually did it. Then his anxiety just kept increasing every day. I recognized it for what it was, he'd lived in one area his entire life and had never had to make new friends, or try new things. I pretty much had to take the bull by the horns and handle it, dragging him behind. He honestly didn't even know why he was so anxious, but I tried to be understanding while keeping the train moving forward along the track. I think this is the answer. You've agreed what to do, just not when....so take this upon yourself to do what you really want. Go. Go and make sure he knows that you love him and that you are going to be coming back and forth for a while. You might have to gradually decrease the number of trips back, and make sure he is coming to AZ to spend time there too. Once you are there you can help find him the connections to pilot groups or ham rado groups that others have suggested. Once he is spending a little time there, and having fun with it, his fear will begin to dissipate. Or maybe it won't, but you'll be enjoying your life while you can, and letting him know that you aren't leaving HIM, just the bay area.
This is what I was going to say. It's also fear of change. My DH liked the idea of moving in retirement until the last month before we actually did it. Then his anxiety just kept increasing every day. I recognized it for what it was, he'd lived in one area his entire life and had never had to make new friends, or try new things. I pretty much had to take the bull by the horns and handle it, dragging him behind. He honestly didn't even know why he was so anxious, but I tried to be understanding while keeping the train moving forward along the track. I think this is the answer. You've agreed what to do, just not when....so take this upon yourself to do what you really want. Go. Go and make sure he knows that you love him and that you are going to be coming back and forth for a while. You might have to gradually decrease the number of trips back, and make sure he is coming to AZ to spend time there too. Once you are there you can help find him the connections to pilot groups or ham rado groups that others have suggested. Once he is spending a little time there, and having fun with it, his fear will begin to dissipate. Or maybe it won't, but you'll be enjoying your life while you can, and letting him know that you aren't leaving HIM, just the bay area.
I'm sorry. You are a lovely thoughtful person and you don't have complete information.
I have never been able to persuade my husband of anything. Either he said "no" outright or he said nothing but held his fingers crossed behind his back. Only much later do I find out that I was wasting my breath talking to him.
He keeps things from me so there is no unpleasantness at home. What the little woman doesn't know, she can't get upset about.
He's never committed to this move. All we did was buy a house. I thought this was a commitment to put our CA house on the market and move to AZ. But it wasn't. He had his fingers crossed behind his back.
He bought the house so there wouldn't be any unpleasantness. It bought him five months of relative peace, until now. I've been so excited by my shiny new toy and buying things for it that I failed to see the subtext.
As far as helping him connect with like-minded hobbyists, I have tried that repeatedly. It's no use. He doesn't budge.
Thank you for the compliment fluffy. I'm sorry to hear about all that, but you deserve not to be miserable. We only have so many years on the planet and with your health issues it makes it more urgent for you to do it sooner rather than later. His fear of "abandonment" (you're not abandoning him, he wasn't honest and mislead you) will turn into his reality by his own actions. I do hope he sees the folly in his actions, but you need to do what's best for you. I can relate to wanting out of the bay area. We left CA 6 years ago and whenever I go back to visit I feel I'm ready to leave within hours of getting off the plane. I lived there all my life and now the place just stresses me out.
Sounds like you have found your answer. Best of luck with the move, and no matter what may happen with hubby, I know you will find many ways to enjoy your new life in AZ. Sending you hugs, because even though this is an exciting time and it sounds like you know in your heart that this is the smart and most productive thing to do, it can be a scary thing to do, too. I'm sure that one way or the other everything will end up working out.
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