Retirement Joke Thread (retiree, older, smart, travel)

[VTsnowbird]

An old couple was watching TV one night. The wife says to the husband,
"I want some ice cream. Vanilla ice cream, with chocolate sauce, chopped walnuts, whipped cream, and a cherry on top. You better write it all down."
"Nah" he says, "I can remember that." And heads for the kitchen.



Five minutes later he comes back in, with a fried egg, bacon, and two pieces of toast and jam. The wife looks at it and asks, "Where's the orange juice?"

[galaxyhi]

You know you are old when you need your glasses to find your glasses.

[galaxyhi]

Originally Posted by Travelassie

Reminds me of the comment my daughter made one time about evening "senior parties" and events, over by 8:30PM so the participants could make it home by their 9PM bedtimes.

Kind of seems like that, now that I think about it.

Depends on the season.


Many old folks have to get home before dark.

Why?

Because they can't see the road after dark.

[adjusterjack]

Bob and Fred were lifelong friends and avid golfers, playing every chance they got. After they retired, of course, they were able to play even more often. One day Bob goes out in the morning for his regular 18 holes of golf with Fred but doesn't come home until 7 PM that night.


Bob: I had a really bad day on the course today.


Wife: What happened?


Bob: This morning Fred had a heart attack and died on the fifth hole.


Wife: This morning? Then what took you so long to get home?


Bob: Well, from then on it was hit the ball drag Fred, hit the ball drag Fred, until I finished the rest of the course.

[Lodestar]

Two retired guys talking over the backyard fence.

#1. Wife and I are taking a memory class and it's really helping a lot.

#2. I think we'd like to do that, too. What's the name of the instructor?

#1. Oh, um. That flower, you know. That pretty red flower with the soft petals that smells good?

#2. You mean a rose?

#1. Yeah, that's it. Yells, Hey, Rose, what's the name of our memory class instructor?

[Lodestar]

Two policemen show up at a retired guy's house. "Hey fella, you've got to put some clothes on there."

"You've got to be kidding me I have a right at my age to run around the house without my clothes on if I feel like it."

Policeman, "Yeah, you do, but we'd like you to remember next time to do it in the house."

[Willamette City]

Originally Posted by galaxyhi

You know you are old when you need your glasses to find your glasses.

That's funny, but my situation is a lot like that. I wear Clics and I have a pair for reading and a pair for driving and other outdoor activities. There have been times where I had to use the driving glasses to find my reading glasses. Doesn't work the other way though.

[katharsis]

Originally Posted by jean_ji

There’s nothing like scrolling for your birth year to make you feel old.

LOL. Or when you are taking a survey, and it goes something like this:

What is your age?

18-29
30-45
46-64
65+

[Lodestar]

Scrolling for age is particularly demoralizing. Sometimes I even have to bump the whole screen up. Gah!

I took my glasses off in the bedroom, set them on my patterned same color bedspread and then in short order sat right down on them.

Mom took the cake, though, when she told me her glasses needed cleaning. She couldn't see out of them.

I drove sixty miles to investigate. Apparently she had taken the steel wool scrubber off the sink to clean them. Goodbye glasses.

[jghorton]

An older gentleman was telling a friend about a new restaurant he and his wife had eaten in a few nights before, but, he could not remember the name of the restaurant. Suddenly he had an inspiration. "What's the name of that long-stemmed red flower with thorns" he asked his friend. The friend replied, "I think you mean a rose."

That's it he exclaimed! - Calling out to his wife in the other room, he shouted "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we ate in the other night?"