Retirement Joke Thread (gifts, get married, drug, pills)
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
So I saw my old retired friend recently. His wife passed away quite awhile back, but he looked like he was doing well. I asked him what was new.
Him: Well I recently got remarried, I found my perfect match!
Me: Oh, you have a lot in common?
Him: Well no, we come from very different backgrounds.
Me: Then I guess she's a good cook?
Him: No, she can't cook at all.
Me: I guess she supports your golf interest.
Him: No, she doesn't really like any of my interests>
Me: Oh, I get it...You two get along well intimately.
Him: No, she doesn't really want anything to do with that.
Me: Well then what is it that makes her the perfect match for you?
Him: She can drive at night.
Along the lines of Jeff Foxworthy's "You might be a Redneck"
"You Might Be Retired If"
If you keep pulling the USB charger in the car out and try to light a cigarette?...... You might be retired
If the term "Woodstock" means something more to you than a new Crate and Barrel end table design?.....You might be retired
If when someone mentions a home resale reality show called "Flipper"..... and you think of a T.V. series involving a dolphin?..... You might be retired
A pianist was playing in a crowded cocktail lounge. A young couple nearby said, "we just got married, could you play a special song for us?" The pianist played, "I Didn't Sleep a Wink Last Night."
Another couple asked, "What about us, we've been married 5 years?" He played, "Night and Day." Then a couple said they were married 10 years, so he played "Now and Then." Another couple had been married 15 years, so he played, "Once in a While."
The pianist spotted an old couple sitting near the back and asked them how long they had been married. The husband said, "50 years -- but before you play "Memories", could you play "We Did it Before and We Can Do it Again"?
Hello folks, thought I would start a joke thread, as we need laughs to get through this pandemic!
My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you
to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
And then the fight started........
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his
drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he
hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started...
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply
for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me
for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets
and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that
I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped
your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'
And then the fight started...
Last edited by Singer21; 04-09-2020 at 10:07 AM..
Reason: Add additional
My wife asked me if she looked fat in these pants? I responded do I look stupid?
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Senior Jokes
