I have a blog????

It's almost silly to even say that, since it is so damn long ago I wrote in it. Not that I haven't wanted to. So much as a matter of fact. But I can't seem to keep my computer out of the pawn shop long enough to be able to actually use it. And so I try to journal in a notebook, and even will record my thoughts here and there on my phone, but I can't even read my writing and I can't even come close to handwriting fast enough to keep up with my own thoughts. Yes, I am a typer, and that is that. And my penmanship has only gotten worse over time. Of course the months living in and out of my car and dealing with total desperation and depression and not having my son or even feeling like I am getting any closer to getting him and I a place of our own again hasn't helped. I get things lined up and getting closer again and again, then, SLAM BAM and it all falls apart for one reason or another. It is Jacobey and Jacobey alone that keeps me dragging my defeated, miserable, lonely, tired, beat down, hollow (but for the love of my son) lifeless body up again.. He is all I can feel that isn't pain. The rest of my world just hurts me over and over, and for the most part, doesn't even do that anymore, because almost all of the world I have known and lived with my entire, is no longer. Those that have made up my world have either left my life for reasons they couldn't control, reasons they never shared with me,pr because they were only in my life because Matt was. The hobbies, material things, plans, and way of life that were my life beyond the people, are also gone. Even my desire to sing. From the moment I sang for the first time, I don't think the desire ever left me. I don't even think of it hardly anymore. I am muted in my emptiness.
I can't really delve into much, once again, because I am on JC's laptop while he swims, and so I don't have quiet or time alone. This is one of the few times I don't even want quiet or time alone tho, because it is the first time in around a month I have had him with me, and have to take him back soon. Just couldn't swim in the hotel pool with him cuz I didn't bring a suit or plan on him swimming. And he is done, so I am done for now too. lol