04/23/18

Unbelievable. First my bday and now my son's. I've had to wake up with eyes so swollen I can barely open them. I don't know why I keep letting this happen, except I love you and don't know how to stop loving you. I don't know how to force myself to quit. I don't know why you refuse to listen to the truth, and only listen to what you have said is the truth before you even ask about it. You were so drunk and high that you couldn't park the car or stop yelling. I know you don't remember, but that doesn't make it any less true, but you just call JC and I a liar and refuse to accept it. I know that no matter how much I love you, how wrong it is and how much it hurts me, or how much I want you to give another way a try, like trusting and believing me and looking at things through sober eyes for a bit. I don't even know anymore. Like tonight in the the little time I heard your voice on phone, I couldn't hear any signs in your voice you had drank too much, but I also don't feel like I see who I thought you were even when you aren't drinking too much. All I hear is anger and mean words and hurt is all I feel. I don't know how this hurts so bad still. I haven't spent that much time with you in the last year on a day to day basis, and how mean you were when I did gave me the reminders of how verbally abusive you are to me when you are drinking, and that was almost every night I was with you, so it sucked and brought me back to how hard it was to deal with that pain almost daily before we moved, and how much it took from my self esteem and built resentment in my heart toward you. I lived with that kind of **** for over two decades, and you helped me to start letting that resentment go and built me up with your kind words and telling me I was none of the things I was called and deserved so much better, just to use the same **** on me. And I kept holding on and letting your words break me more and more every time. I know now just from your stubborness and how deluded your recollections are that this is how something so amazing will end. I know because after every single night I was called names and yelled at and even the horrible night of the monster truck event that I still can't believe went down like that, that this is how this and us ends. What I thought was so real and beautiful at one time, ends like this. You are never going to show up and own your behavior. Not going to apologize and take steps to assure me something similar will never happen. You don't and can't see that you have done something very wrong and mean or seem to even feel that loving me is more important than your denial. I'm not going to let myself think with this stupid damn heart of mine letting myself entertain the hope that today I will hear from you and you will at least apologize and make an attempt at amends. Step up and own it, show you do care enough about ruining the night, for me and us, for my son that got stranded in Reno in the rain and had to see you stupid drunk and see his Mom cry on the first night home with me after a year . I know better, and I've done that waiting and hoping thing for so long. I can't even lay here and think of what it feels like when we were together, because it has been so few and far between. I can't even take the memory of your touch with me, because I can't feel it after this long and I don't want to say goodbye, but I don't have a choice. I have tried everything I know to bring you back from this pit of depression, vodka, and to me. I am just so ****ing sad, and hurt, and tired of being without you.And Im tired of fighting for us all by myself. And I don't want to be without you or have anyone else. And I know it will hurt less and less in the long run, and I know it's not the end of the world and eventually if I let them, someone else will like and want me in their life, but I don't want to let anyone else in. What's true for me is true for you and I know how somebody will be in your life and if I am on your mind even a little of the amount you say I am, cuz I certainly don't see it, than you will occupy your mind with someone or something else and I will fade quickly. Somebody else will be holding the man I love and maybe even get to be with who I fell in love with and you will get unstuck with them. And I will no longer exist to you or in your heart anymore. And just like that it is the end of us and I don't want it to be. Why can't you see how much I love you and that I am telling you the truth, and don't lie about **** like you think I do. I would've done anything just to have you happy and healthy and to give us the chance. I just can't don it all alone, without you even seeming to care if I am in your life. I love you so much and don't want to face tomorrow without even the hope of you being there, but no matter how much it hurts, I have to. I really wanted to believe. Believe it like you told me we could be. I guess you changed your mind. I know from experience with all the alcoholics that have been in my life that I can't change your need for it, and how you look at things. I can't even talk anymore, I am just so so sad and heartbroken. No matter how many times I chase you or beg you to listen, really listen to me and how much I love you, the outcome is the same. No matter how far I have gone to try to fix us, I have never been able to move you from where you have firmly planted your thoughts. Trying one more time again is only going to make this even harder one me, it gets harder every time. I can't do it, this is killing me. I have to stop lying to myself when it's so obvious you are not in my life onboard in anyway. No matter how much I talk about you every day or refer to you and make certain decisions with you in mind, it doesn't change that I am not in any part of your day or decision making. I am not on your mind like that. I'm just dating a ghost, a memory. And when you do show up, it is a reality check of what I really am to you. How you don't see me, seem to like or want me, or even care. Nothing has changed with how you react how you are not willing to work together or make any changes as couples need to do when joining lives. I ****ing love you and I don't even know why anymore, because you have not been even a 10th of the person I fell for.