Why won't Bostonians look you in the eyes? (Cambridge: buying, gated)

[readymade]

Originally Posted by K-Luv

Good to know, and for the record, I am not looking to engage random strangers in conversation on the street. It is just an observation.

Yeah, it's weird. I grew up in Boston but also lived in Austin & in LA. In Austin & LA, you can make conversation while waiting in line.... or at the grocery store with the person next to you looking at apples, etc... and it's not weird or creepy.

When you meet someone for the first time, they might give you a hug. People say hi walking down the street.

That doesn't really happen in Boston (unless it's weird & creepy, heh). I became a much friendlier (and happier) person when I moved away from Boston. I was gone for 10 years, and now it's been a bit of culture shock coming back here.

Some call it unfriendly. Some call it reserved. Some call it rude. Some call it minding their own business. It all mostly boils down to the same thing.

It also depends on where you are. I've found that people are much friendlier in Northampton (on par with LA or Austin). Incredibly unfriendly/rude in Malden/Medford. Cranky in Woburn (heh). Reserved in Arlington/Cambridge. Busy in Boston proper.

[Cliff Clavin]

Originally Posted by K-Luv

Fair enough, but how about at a bar? How do newbies in town make friends?

A bar environment it different. It's a social setting, and most people go to a bar to socialize. I'll strike up a conversation with anyone within earshot in a bar.

[seeriously]

When we left Boston and moved to the Midwest, I found it very unnerving to be walking along and have someone smile and make small talk at me for no reason. It's just the way Boston people are.

[miu]

Why won't Bostonians look you in the eyes?

I will only look at stranger in the eyes IF I am interested in interacting with them (as it meeting them, talking with them). Otherwise, I ignore all strangers in my path.

To me, looking someone in the eyes is an invitation to a direct encounter or possible friendship. Realistically, and as a female, I don't have any desires to become friends with every single person I see crossing my path. I just don't have time for that nonsense. Plus I already have enough close friends.

Even if I was a single woman and looking for someone to date, I'm still not going to be friendly to every random strange man that I see.

[K-Luv]

Originally Posted by miu

I will only look at stranger in the eyes IF I am interested in interacting with them (as it meeting them, talking with them). Otherwise, I ignore all strangers in my path.

To me, looking someone in the eyes is an invitation to a direct encounter or possible friendship. Realistically, and as a female, I don't have any desires to become friends with every single person I see crossing my path. I just don't have time for that nonsense. Plus I already have enough close friends.

Even if I was a single woman and looking for someone to date, I'm still not going to be friendly to every random strange man that I see.

It is interesting that some people believe that looking someone in the eye is an automatic invitation into conversation, friendship, etc., where in other parts of this country the locals wouldn't even have such a thought occur to them.

I have met many women dead in the eye over the years with whom I had no intention of picking up or talking to. When you get a couple million people crammed into a small space, it is bound to happen from time to time. I have been here for 13 days now and I look at everyone I pass. Not once have I made a friend, struck a conversation, or even heard hello from it. Nor was I expecting it. In fact, until I started this thread I had no idea that these were some of the messages that I was sending to people. I apologize for acting like such a Frankenstein. Didn't realize that I was freaking people out.

Look, if eyes were to lock, or gait was to slow, then yes, I can understand that it may appear as if something was about to go down or expected. Once again, I am not talking about staring at someone.

And, I suppose I should have changed the title of the thread to Why won't Bostonians look in your general direction? Forget about making eye contact.

[ogre]

K-Luv, I'm not disagreeing with you, as many others have made observations similar to yours, but one statement you made in your original post caught my attention. That was when you said that non-natives did not seem to avert their eyes, but only Bostonians. As I said, I'm not disagreeing with your observation, but I'm curious about how you've been able to determine who is native and who is a transplant among people you pass on the street.

I also have a question for you. You've said you're from CA originally, but am I correct that you've also lived in Maine, or am I confusing you with someone else? The reason I ask is that people often talk about this reserved, aloof, etc., demeanor toward strangers as a New England thing, not just Boston. Given that I often hear this attributed to New Englanders in general, if I'm correct that you have lived in Maine, then I'm curious about what your observations have been about the way people interact in Maine. Judging by any observations you could make about Maine, is this a New England thing, or is it mostly something seen in Boston?

[Lowerdeck]

I just want to go on with whatever it is I'm doing, so don't want to make any sort of contact. Don't want to stare at someone, be rude/inappropriate like that. Then again, I have Asperger's. Prone to not making eye contact when around people anyway.

[thenewtexan]

This could probably be tied with one of those threads that has the "New Englanders think people from the South or Midwest are fake friendly" theme. Bostonians are taught to "not talk to strangers", and making eye contact or looking towards someone is an extension of that. There's that "I don't want any trouble" mindset. If you give a certain "look" at a total stranger, some less stable person might interpret that wrong, and you might get a "what the are you looking at?" You know what happens next. Also, in Boston is very densely populated, older city. There are many different neighborhoods in a small area and people are not as trusting to some people outside their immediate area. So why bother? Just look away and you'll be safe. I know this probably sounds funny to you, and maybe someone who's actually lived in Boston for a long time will call BS, but that's my observation.

[miu]

Another thought is that in a city such as Boston, it's very densely populated, so having and maintaining ones personal space and privacy is a priority to us... and again, that is why we don't seem to you to have a need for being open and friendly to all.

Years ago, I had a young woman friend that always seemed to be vulnerable to situations of being accosted in public by strange men. And from watching her from afar, she had a habit of looking at people full in the face and having the body language of someone weak and insecure. Meanwhile, by contrast, one of my boyfriends told me that he had noticed me at a subway stop late one night, several months before we met (while auditioning for the same rock band). And as he tried to get a closer look at me, even though I never looked directly at him, I would drift away from him on the platform as if I had an invisible force field around me.

I think that when I am in a city, I am very conscious of keeping myself safe from strangers and possible bad situations. Especially if I am alone. And I don't want to appear friendly and approachable to the point that a man might try to break the ice and ask me out, and then have to turn him down and make him disappointed and possibly angry. And yes, when I was younger, I did have a few guys try to make friends with me as I walked along city streets. And of course, I turned them all down quickly.

K-Luv, I wonder why you feel the need to make eye contact and smile at everyone you meet? And is it everyone, or just young women? Do you want to be friendly to random men also?

[K-Luv]

Originally Posted by ogre

K-Luv, I'm not disagreeing with you, as many others have made observations similar to yours, but one statement you made in your original post caught my attention. That was when you said that non-natives did not seem to avert their eyes, but only Bostonians. As I said, I'm not disagreeing with your observation, but I'm curious about how you've been able to determine who is native and who is a transplant among people you pass on the street.

When someone is speaking an Eastern European language and appears to be dressed as Euro T, I am going to assume that they are not native, for example. Or if they are obviously from a Latin American country and speaking Spanish.

Besides, I have read numerous times on this forum that if a random stranger gives you the time of day than that is a sign that they are NOT from Boston. I understand there are exceptions, and nothing is ever straight across the board, and I could be wrong, but so far it doesn't seem that way.

Like I said previously, it is just an observation. I am not suggesting that it is wrong, or that Bostonians are kooky. I just plan on living here for a while and am trying to make sense of the situation.

Originally Posted by ogre

I also have a question for you. You've said you're from CA originally, but am I correct that you've also lived in Maine, or am I confusing you with someone else? The reason I ask is that people often talk about this reserved, aloof, etc., demeanor toward strangers as a New England thing, not just Boston. Given that I often hear this attributed to New Englanders in general, if I'm correct that you have lived in Maine, then I'm curious about what your observations have been about the way people interact in Maine. Judging by any observations you could make about Maine, is this a New England thing, or is it mostly something seen in Boston?

Yup, I did live in Maine. I lived in Portland, and as it turns out, many people who live in Portland are from away. So it is hard to get an accurate description as to who is from Maine and who isn't. I will say this: Some people did seem to go out of their way to avoid you, but in general, more often than not, people would say hi, inquire how you are doing, etc. Some random person walking down the street will say [i]hi[i], you say hi back, followed by how are you doing? They will respond with Good, thank you. How are you? No complaints. Have a nice day. You, too. All the while they won't miss a beat or slow their stride. Just a quick wham bam thank you ma'am.

Mainer's are pretty straight forward and for the most part don't seem to understand the concept of personal space. It is not uncommon for someone to stand so close behind you in line -even you are the only two people waiting in line- that they are breathing down your neck. It is also common for two people to strike up conversation while waiting in line, and then not move until they are done...effectively holding up the line for a few minutes.

They are also straight forward to point of being blunt or intrusive. For example, my GF at the time was up in Bar Harbor at a museum and bought a lobster shaped spoon rest for our stove. She paid with her bank card and the woman behind the counter asked to see her DL. When she showed her her Maine DL, the woman said Why are you buying this? You live here!

Anyways, I just assumed that this was the typical New England/East Coast attitude, so yeah, I would say that Boston's tendency to avoid contact with 'strangers' is unique to Boston. I figured that Boston would be just as in-your-face, straight-forward, and "friendly". Guess I assumed wrong.