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ts just we all have enough friends already and we are not necessarily looking to meet anyone new.
Quote:
Originally Posted by HeadedWest
I find that a very odd concept.
Really? Speaking for myself, I do have enough friends, so unless someone is really special and different from the current friends I have, I honestly don't have the time or the energy to add more friends to my life. But my definition of a friend is someone that is a real friend to me. Not some casual acquaintance. Not someone that I would go to a bar to drink with once a week. My idea of a real friend is someone that I care about, trust completely and do favours for. I'm not in high school any longer and I have no desire to be Miss Popularity. And I'm also not into collecting hundreds of "friends" on FB either.
I'm thinking that you have a different definition of "friend" than I do.
Otherwise, again I feel that K-Luv is more hoping to be able to walk down a Boston street and have pretty women catch his eye and be smiling back at him. Surely he isn't looking at men and hoping for a friendly smile back. And in Boston, if a man makes eye contact and smiles back at him, possibly he is flirting with him. I know plenty of gay men that do walk around looking at attractive men and hoping for eye contact... and a possible love connection.
I was out of town this past weekend and noticed strangers staring/making eye contact *a lot*. As I was waiting for the elevator at my hotel one man was just...staring. Not in a lascivious way, just in an odd, uncomfortable way. I finally said "what?" and he at least had the decency to turn away.
Just came across this thread and thought I'd add two cents.
I grew up in the midwest. Moved to the east. Back to the midwest. Then down south. Then east again. Then midwest again.
In the meantime, I traveled all over the place.
The first culture shock was why people in New York would speed up and walk away from you when you said "Excuse me" to begin to ask directions or what time it was. Once you called your question after them, they would be happy enough to answer and usually friendly too.
The second culture shock was finding out that a guy who I thought was pretty nice hated me because he thought I was "obsequious"-- you know, fake friendly. If I was running an errand, I'd ask if anyone else needed anything. Offer help to people. Say hello to strangers, etc. Once he got to know me we became very good friends. He came to the midwest and met my aunt and couldn't believe she was even nicer than me.
The third culture shock was in the south. Since I'd always lived in cities, I was suspicious of the people who came to my door in the house I was renting. It was neighbors with a basket of treats. They didn't want anything. No really. They didn't want me to join anything or donate anything or sign anything. When, months later, they later came up my driveway and stood there talking, I wondered what the hell was going on. They were just checking out my plants.
In Boston-- I was a seasoned East coast person by then-- a co-worker hated me and didn't invite me to a "everyone invited" party at her house. A few years later at her going away party, she told me-- in a drunken stupor-- that she was sorry and she didn't "get" me at first. I talked to everyone and she thought "Who does she think she is?"
My observations on Boston: People there don't use revolving doors, even if the sign says to. Strangers don't talk to you, but if you find yourself in trouble, they're very quick to intervene on your behalf-- more so than in other cities I've visited. People drive the way most of us walk on crowded sidewalks-- never honking, simply maneuvering around anyone who abruptly stops, pulls a u-turn, cuts them off, etc.
Some describe Bostonians as stand-offish and cliquey. I didn't encounter that really. Not once they get to know you.
I've been traveling a lot for work and pleasure recently; spending significant amounts of time in cities like San Francisco, Dallas, New York and Phoenix.
I LOVE San Francisco and New York, like Dallas and could do without Phoenix. In San Francisco, Dallas and Phoenix, I find that most people will force small talk on elevators or in the seat next to you on the subway, light rail or bus. This RARELY happens in Boston and I like it. Don't get me wrong, if I'm sitting next to someone and there's an event (i.e. a panhandler dancing on the train for money) that's a bit out of the ordinary or something else that NATURALLY starts a conversation, I'm perfectly fine with it. Otherwise, it ranges from mildly irritating to incredibly uncomfortable.
I had a woman on BART in San Francisco start asking me about the book I was reading while I'm reading it. Innocent enough, right? The problem was that she felt the need to continue talking to me about it (meaningless, small talk about a run of the mill novel) and other books for 25 minutes. I'm reading a book because I want to use the limited time I have to sit down and relax for my own enjoyment. Maybe I'm being a Larry David here and have my own set of social rules, but I think it's rude to keep talking to someone who's reading a book. It's no different than talking to someone enjoying a movie. I'm not so egotistical to believe that she was flirting with me. It sure didn't seem that way and she must have been 20 years my senior. It wasn't a book she had read and it wasn't a genre that she was particularly interested in (according to her), so why bother?
I've had similar situations in elevators, lines, and other areas all over the country. Awkward small talk is unnecessary. Sometimes it's downright uncomfortable (when it's someone who's just on an entirely different wavelength and you're doing your best to politely indulge them). Why people feel the need to fill the air with the sound of their own voice is beyond me. I think that Bostonians are, for the most part, not afraid of silence. I agree that they're willing to help when someone's in need. I was coming from the airport this morning and transferring from the Silverline to the Redline and accidentally got on the "outbound" platform at South Station and had to go back upstairs to the Inbound platform (hey, I had gotten no sleep on a redeye last night). When I turned to go back up the stairs, bags in hand, someone asked me if I needed help finding some place. I said, "no, I'm just beat and got a little turned around, I need to be going inbound, thanks anyway!" and he said, "hahaha ok, have a good day." That was beautiful. That's Boston.
I think its very sad and actually to be honest think its pathetic. If someone can't make eye contact, smile and say hello without being thought of as flirting. I wouldn't want to know people that shallow and pitiful as that, and Im sure there are plenty of them in the US not just Boston.
^That's your opinion and that's fine. Personally, my problem is not with smiling or making eye contact (which I do with my neighbors regularly), it's with the EXPECTATION that we should all do it all the time for everyone. I don't think eye contact a smile or even hello is flirting all the time. However, a guy is a lot more likely to smile and say hello to an attractive 20 or 30 something than he is to an overweight 40 something. If you don't think appearance has anything to do with it, I think you might want to take another look.
I think it's more "pathetic" that people feel entitled to a greeting from strangers. I think it's downright rude to interrupt someone from reading or even listening to headphones (assuming they're not doing it so loudly that it's distracting) to make arbitrary small talk. Frankly, I think it's more "shallow and pitiful" that there are people that feel so self important that they think everyone owes them a smile or hello.
The attitude here is to live and let live. If I happen to make eye contact, I don't quickly turn away (though some people do this... everywhere), I smile and maybe even nod. If someone looks lost or distraught, I ask if they're OK. However, I don't feel I owe everyone a smile and hello. To expect everyone to do that for you is far more "shallow and pitiful" than those who choose not to engage every stranger walking by.
I think its very sad and actually to be honest think its pathetic. If someone can't make eye contact, smile and say hello without being thought of as flirting. I wouldn't want to know people that shallow and pitiful as that, and Im sure there are plenty of them in the US not just Boston.
It's one thing to be in a small town center and smile at ones new neighbors. At least with a smile and eye contact, there is the expectation that you will that person in the future and possibly form a real acquaintance and friendship with them. In a city of several million people, it's just unrealistic to smile at every stranger in the street and think that all of them will one day be your real friend on a first name basis or be your co-worker. In the Boston area, if I were to be a regular customer at a place of business, I do make the effort to get to know the workers there. I am always nice to any cashier that I see on a frequent basis.
And I will try to help those that seem lost on our city streets or seem to have some issue that I can help out with. Just last night, I saw a car with their hazard lights on in front of my house. I went out with a flashlight to see if I could be of help to him. And it turns out, I could. His plastic resonator that was connected to his airbox had just fallen out of his car. He couldn't figure out where it came from, so I showed him where the air intake of his engine was. I comforted him by saying that since his car wasn't leaking any fluids, and it wasn't overheating, he was fine to go home. I told him that what fell out wasn't crucial to the operation of his car. And I suggested that for comfort value, he stop by the nearby Honda dealership in the morning, since I knew that service and parts were open on Saturday mornings until noon.
Otherwise, if I were looking at everyone on the city streets and trying to be friendly to ALL of them, then I would never get all my errands done and be late for work and my appointments.
Again, I feel very strongly that K-Luv is only concerned about the attractive women that he looks at in streets not being interested in being friendly back to him. Get over it.
I was raised in and have lived in Boston and surrounding areas ALL my life. I get just what you are trying to convey K-Luv and you are absolutely Right about Bostonians and New Englanders in general. Although, I think the phenomenon you speak about is more concentrated in the bigger city. We are cold and we are inconsiderate in all the ways you describe and anyone who won't admit it, is immune, oblivious, or does not realize how blatantly evident this Bostonian trait is. It is far more obvious to people who aren't from here and are not used to this type of snobbery. Again, I've lived here all my life and have always noticed and abhorred the general Bostonian/New England attitude. What happens is, that once you are conditioned to this type of behavior you tend to fight fire with fire and become just like them. You know - When in Rome do as the Romans do. I haven't traveled to far or too often, but when I did, I immediately notice the friendlier nature of the people from other states, and frankly, thought it odd at first, but welcomed the change.
I was raised in and have lived in Boston and surrounding areas ALL my life. I get just what you are trying to convey K-Luv and you are absolutely Right about Bostonians and New Englanders in general. Although, I think the phenomenon you speak about is more concentrated in the bigger city. We are cold and we are inconsiderate in all the ways you describe and anyone who won't admit it, is immune, oblivious, or does not realize how blatantly evident this Bostonian trait is. It is far more obvious to people who aren't from here and are not used to this type of snobbery. Again, I've lived here all my life and have always noticed and abhorred the general Bostonian/New England attitude. What happens is, that once you are conditioned to this type of behavior you tend to fight fire with fire and become just like them. You know - When in Rome do as the Romans do. I haven't traveled to far or too often, but when I did, I immediately notice the friendlier nature of the people from other states, and frankly, thought it odd at first, but welcomed the change.
I largely agree with your sentiments Chiaramia, except I guess I will add a disclaimer - I certainly don't feel like I can really judge the whole society for this. I agree. More than anyplace I have ever been, Bostonians are cold, stony robots. And you're exactly right - you get conditioned to that behavior and fight fire with fire - or perhaps more accurately - ice with ice. No place I've ever been are people as robotic as they are in BOS. I've been told that sort of behavior is even worse in Northern Europe, but I can't specifically say since I've only visited LON & PAR once. However from my short stay there, my impression is LON is a lot more human than BOS.
Again, no judgment however. Societies are what they are. Why BOS is that way - well we all have theories. On the upside I'll say the Proper Boston manner of minding one's own business - not being so grossly ill mannered as to invade another's privacy with idle conversation - well I do suppose it reduces confrontation and thus conflict. On the downside, images from Pink Floyd come to mind.
"Hanging on in quiet desperation is the <Boston> way..."
Bottom line is - I agree - "When in Rome ..."
Last edited by xS☺B☺s; 11-07-2010 at 09:20 PM..
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