Why won't Bostonians look you in the eyes? (home, to live)

[Cantabridgienne]

I generally hug or cheek-peck my friends/family when I see them. But recently I met a friend of a friend for the first time and when introduced, she went to hug me. Yeah, she wasn't from around here. It was strange.

[readymade]

Originally Posted by KathyMA

I live in Cambridge and people talk in grocery lines all the time because we're using rolling our eyes at how slow they are!

That is really weird and intrusive. Hugging strangers? WTH? Sorry but that is an invasion of space, and very very phony. BTW I'm friendly and talk to anyone, but hugging strangers is indicative of a person who is needy/impolite/doesn't have an idea of personal space.

And some call it good manners.

Camb and Somerville are pretty friendly. Townies are friendlier than blow-ins attending university.

So, you roll your eyes at people and then talk about what good manners you have? THAT'S weird!

I didn't say ANYTHING about hugging strangers. I'm not sure where you got that from. Here is an example of what I mean:
I set up a photo session with a photographer via email. We chatted back & forth via email a couple of times setting up dates and discussing the photo shoot. I met her at the studio. She came out to my car and was all exited to "meet" me in person for the first time (after emailing back & forth so much) and gave me a big hug. It wasn't "fake" or "needy" or "impolite" or any of those things. It was a friendly California-type greeting. And it put me at ease for the photo shoot, which I'd been a bit nervous about.

I'm sorry you're so uptight, but that's a product of growing up/living in Boston. It's kind of sad. Believe me, I know lots of people who roll their eyes at people and consider anyone friendly to be "fake." In fact, I used to be one of them!

I'm a much happier person now. I'm much less "closed off" and random strangers no longer say "SMILE!" at me (which I HATED). I don't want my daughter to grow up to be a jaded, sarcastic, closed off person, which is another reason I'm moving back to California.

[K-Luv]

Originally Posted by miu

With last winter's threat of the H1N2 virus, I recall a new article where the French government was trying to stop the kiss on both cheeks greeting that they commonly do.

Why? It's population control, and besides, the only way to build immunity is through exposure.

Reminds me of a George Carlin joke: Eat right, stay fit, and die anyway.

Originally Posted by miu

Otherwise, that (CA) social thing of the little hug and air kiss (so as to not muss up each others makeup) as a very fake and insincere greeting. Anyone that does that, is just a poseur and social butterfly... but I'm a lifelong New Englander, so what do I know?

This is a SoCal thing and NOT a Californian thing, and yes, it is something that socialites do and not the 'commoner'.

[readymade]

Originally Posted by miu

Otherwise, that (CA) social thing of the little hug and air kiss (so as to not muss up each others makeup) as a very fake and insincere greeting. Anyone that does that, is just a poseur and social butterfly... but I'm a lifelong New Englander, so what do I know?

You watch too much TV. I've never met anyone in LA that did a fake "little" hug & air kiss so as not to muss one's makeup. You know what's funny? I DO know someone here in BOSTON that does that, though! My uncle's wife.

The Boston attitude towards Californians cracks me up. I guess I had that attitude (from watching movies & TV) before I moved there myself.

Sure, there are phony people there. There are phony people everywhere. I met plenty of fake people in Boston. In fact, I met MORE people like that in Boston. Of course, I was born & raised here so many it's just a matter of time spent in each place. Or maybe it's because I was more on the lookout for it in LA, so it was very obvious to me who was "fake" and who wasn't. I simply avoided anyone who was over botoxed/lip injected or gave me a big fake smile. No big deal. Here, in Boston, they hide it behind a sincere attitude, and it's harder to tell.

[RedJacket]

Be happy they don't, because once they see the whites of your eyes, its all over.

[stressedCollegeGirl89]

I guess I would fit right in in Boston then! I don't really like making eye-contact with other people in public settings.

[Sunduri]

Originally Posted by BostonHouseHunter

I lived in Boston for 11 years and found it jarring that people refused to make eye contact. There's a tightness and coldness to New Englanders that is very unattractive. I currently live in Philly, and the vibe is radically different: it's the City of Brotherly Love. People make a lot of eye contact here, and say hello. It is not intrusive but rather a simple expression of warmth and kindness, a recognition of another human being--a member of the community. It's hardly an imposition; to me, it's a matter of etiquette.

I've lived in the suburbs surrounding Philly for the last 24 years (worked in center city too). I recently accepted a job in Boston and will be moving there in a couple of weeks. My contact with Bostonians (admittedly limited) has felt like the exact opposite of your experience. During 2 job interviews and a trip to the area to look at houses with a realtor, my experience has been that the people in the Boston metro area were much friendlier than in Philly metro area. The people in Boston did seem a bit more reserved in public, but I took it in a positive way. I don't know how to state it in a politically correct manner, but here's the non-PC version: Boston seems less ghetto and more polished than Philly as far as what's expected from people in a public setting. I like that aspect of Boston better than Philly. Personally, I tend not to make eye contact with others unless I have a reason to interact with them (purchasing from a sales clerk, asking directions, etc...) because I feel that it is often seen as a mild invasion of privacy. Of course, I grew up in poor areas of Baltimore city where a direct stare would p*ss someone off and be interpreted as a challenge, so maybe its just my "conditioning" that makes me feel this way about direct eye contact.

[K-Luv]

Originally Posted by Sunduri

I've lived in the suburbs surrounding Philly for the last 24 years (worked in center city too). I recently accepted a job in Boston and will be moving there in a couple of weeks. My contact with Bostonians (admittedly limited) has felt like the exact opposite of your experience. During 2 job interviews and a trip to the area to look at houses with a realtor, my experience has been that the people in the Boston metro area were much friendlier than in Philly metro area. The people in Boston did seem a bit more reserved in public, but I took it in a positive way. I don't know how to state it in a politically correct manner, but here's the non-PC version: Boston seems less ghetto and more polished than Philly as far as what's expected from people in a public setting. I like that aspect of Boston better than Philly. Personally, I tend not to make eye contact with others unless I have a reason to interact with them (purchasing from a sales clerk, asking directions, etc...) because I feel that it is often seen as a mild invasion of privacy. Of course, I grew up in poor areas of Baltimore city where a direct stare would p*ss someone off and be interpreted as a challenge, so maybe its just my "conditioning" that makes me feel this way about direct eye contact.

For me, this topic is a done deal. I am satisfied with the responses and since posting my OP, I have noticed more people throwing a glance my way.

But, I still want to stress that the point of my thread was NOT about staring at people. There is difference between giving a person a quick glance -at least in their general direction-and staring at them.

Your non-PC terminology seems odd. Perhaps it is because I grew up in northern cities where racism is not as overt as it is in the South, but let me ask: by ghetto do you mean black? By polished do you mean white?


Anyways, I grew up in California, and as you may know, that state has a large gang population. What is interesting, is that the Hispanic gangs-particuarily Mexican- consider it disrespectful if you do not look them in the eye. The black gangs think that it is disrespectful to look them in the eye. My guess is that this is a lay-over from the slave days when slaves did not look at their owners. Once again, I am not talking about staring, because yes, that would mean that you are challenging them.

[Sunduri]

K-Luv: I don't know about the south, but I grew up in Baltimore City, which is in the NE and it didn't seem like there was any lack of racisim in the 70's and 80's there, on both sides of the fence. In any case, no, I didn't mean black/white when referring to ghetto/polished. By ghetto, I meant people yelling at each other from across the room in a store, lots of cursing, a blatent disregard of others in the general area, blocking walkways and refusing to move aside or even acknowledge someone trying to pass until they say (sometimes repeatedly) "excuse me/pardon me/can I pass by please?" and then grudgingly giving way, throwing food wrappers/trash on the street, etc... By polished, I meant maintaining a somewhat reserved demeanor, not yelling to your friends across the room in a store or cursing loudly in public, being aware of people around you and moving aside when someone looks as if they are passing by before they have to ask you to do so, using trash cans when disposing of food wrappers, trash etc... Just observations I've made of the differences between poor and upper middle class areas as a resident of both types of neighborhoods. The poor areas I grew up in were predominantly black and the those which I lived in during my 20's were predominantly white. The same "ghetto" behaviours were noted in both areas. I see these types of things much less frequently as an adult living in middle to upper middle class suburbs. Even though Boston is a city, I saw less of the "ghetto" type behaviours there then what I see in Philly. Again, I have limited exposure to Boston, so maybe it really isn't as different from Philly as it seemed to me while I was visiting.

[boston2denver]

Originally Posted by K-Luv

Seriously. I have been doing a lot of walking and I noticed (right away, mind you) that people will not look at your face when they pass you on the street. In fact, they will not even look in my general direction. I know this because I look everyone in the eye and I notice that from 15, maybe 20 feet away, they will stare straight ahead and won't even take a quick glance as they pass.

Now, don't feed me some BS about how Bostonians are busy, in a hurry, or don't feel the need, because it is obviously a cultural thing around here. And it is not just on the street...its on the T, at bars, etc. Non-natives don't seem to do this, so why Bostonians?

So what. "Non-natives"? Who are the non-natives? How do you tell them apart? Big assumption on your part.