Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I do disagree with the premise that basic politeness and having respect for one's neighbors is a monopoly of a certain region or culture and where they are from will dictate this. Same for the lack of these qualities. I once lived next to a very Southern woman whose life was out of control who would let her dog out the front door that would then head straight to my yard and drop off a big steaming pile. I cleaned it up a couple of times, but once I had my fill of this, I went over, told her what was going on and that was the end of it.
The point is that making assumptions on why it was happening (just divorced and couldn't handle it, or similarly, from somewhere else, different race, just plain stupid etc) and getting angry over it would not have have changed what happened or would have fixed things. Clearly she didn't know, was very apologetic, and fixed it. It's natural to want to get upset and angry in these situations, but It comes from the very unreasonable expectation of people not having the behavior that we want them to have.
It's always the actions that matter.
I certainly wasn't saying this, so if it is my post that you are referring to, let me clarify.
I had a neighbor whose dog pooped in my yard in the midwest and I suspect folks all over the world have had to deal with this, lol, as there is always someone not paying attention to such things (including rowdy kids who run rampant in neighbor's yards and trample plants).
I do not think that any area of the country has "better manners" or is more considerate.
However, I do think folks are less likely to speak up and get confrontational here in the South, especially older people like my parents.
Most folks are just gonna be hesitant to say anything if they can't think of a way to make it less confrontational. Now, that is my observation. I have lived in many neighborhoods and seen many a situation where neighbors may have all pointed out to each other that Neighbor X is doing X - and everyone finds it annoying - but no one wants to have to confront the people about it, for fear of looking mean-spirited or unkind.
I was in a neighborhood where everyone discussed one neighbor's messy weed-filled lawn (we had no HOA) but no one wanted to say anything about it as they felt if they said something, they should also offer to help with the situation, hee hee, and they didn't want to have to do that, either. Finally, one man found an occasion to strike up a conversation with the homeowner and gently inserted the name of the lawn service he used (for weed control) and offered to have them come over the next time they were doing his lawn treatment . . . and the homeowner agreed that would be a great idea. So this is what I am talking about . . . people just don't want to appear rude or confrontational.
Here in Charlotte, most newcomers are in subdivisions w/ strict HOAs and it appears to me that the HOA are the buffer that keeps peace in neighborhoods, as folks can report things to the HOA and remain anonymous. This was the same situation when I lived in the Midwest. No one had to say much to a neighbor about anything that they might find irritating cause they would just write a letter to the HOA and let them handle it.
So I don't think any area is filled with people who are more polite or considerate than anywhere else . . . I just think here in the South, especially for older folks, it is considered confrontational and rude to point out another's deficiencies.
I think I should add that I have noticed that there are some folks here in the South who not only don't want to get confrontational with others, they get highly insulted if anyone is confrontational with them. And I also think that a lot of folks consider even a raised voice as being confrontational. Most Southerners will be ready for a fight - literally - if you assault them verbally.
I noticed this at a very young age, when I realized that yelling at folks on the streets of NE cities (i.e., NYC and Philly, as that is where we visited) was somewhat acceptable and didn't necessarily mean that folks were gonna get into a fistfight or pull a gun, lol. Now, things may have changed in the last few years . . . I think people are afraid someone will pull a gun these days (no matter where you are) if people start yelling at one another or sit down on a horn. But it has always seemed to me that the "banter" (wh/ is often loud and maybe even obnoxious) that goes on b/n strangers on streets is a more accepted phenomena than in Southern cities (at least, here in Charlotte).
If you sit down on a horn here, or yell out at someone "are ya just stupid?" when they make a dumb move while driving, people here consider that an invitation to a brawl. I have noticed that drivers "up North" just brush it all off as part of the driving experience.
Southerners consider verbal assaults as the prelude to a fight, whereas it seems to me that folks from large metros in the NE just see it as somewhat "sport" and nothing to take too personally. If I have a mistaken idea about that, then someone needs to correct my perception.
I think I should add that I have noticed that there are some folks here in the South who not only don't want to get confrontational with others, they get highly insulted if anyone is confrontational with them. And I also think that a lot of folks consider even a raised voice as being confrontational. Most Southerners will be ready for a fight - literally - if you assault them verbally.
I noticed this at a very young age, when I realized that yelling at folks on the streets of NE cities (i.e., NYC and Philly, as that is where we visited) was somewhat acceptable and didn't necessarily mean that folks were gonna get into a fistfight or pull a gun, lol. Now, things may have changed in the last few years . . . I think people are afraid someone will pull a gun these days (no matter where you are) if people start yelling at one another or sit down on a horn. But it has always seemed to me that the "banter" (wh/ is often loud and maybe even obnoxious) that goes on b/n strangers on streets is a more accepted phenomena than in Southern cities (at least, here in Charlotte).
If you sit down on a horn here, or yell out at someone "are ya just stupid?" when they make a dumb move while driving, people here consider that an invitation to a brawl. I have noticed that drivers "up North" just brush it all off as part of the driving experience.
Southerners consider verbal assaults as the prelude to a fight, whereas it seems to me that folks from large metros in the NE just see it as somewhat "sport" and nothing to take too personally. If I have a mistaken idea about that, then someone needs to correct my perception.
You are right about this, Ani. I have yet to understand why simply telling a person what is wrong (i.e. your parents' situation) is considered confrontational or distasteful. How else does someone know when they have offended you? I always tell my coworkers and acquaintances to do just that and let me know when I have trampled on some feelings for some reason because 95% of the time, I am oblivious.
Small outbursts of anger (frustration) are simply that...an outburst...and, usually it goes away when the outburst does!
And, your perceptions apply in Chicago, too. This is life.
So I don't think any area is filled with people who are more polite or considerate than anywhere else . . . I just think here in the South, especially for older folks, it is considered confrontational and rude to point out another's deficiencies.
I know so many people just like that. My family is filled with them.
The problem is that, just like in your example, people use sideways methods to get their point across. It can become so rare to say exactly what you mean, that some will start looking for hidden meanings in everything you say or don't say.
Some real life example:
A: "So, do you like my new wall plaque?" (Seen briefly hanging on the garden gate as I was unloading the car from a 10 hour trip with kids)
B: "Yes, it looks nice."
A: "Well, you didn't say anything, so you must not like it."
A: "Where are ya'll going for Christmas this year?" (Usually asked in July)
B: "To the in-laws, we haven't spent Christmas with them for a few years."
A: "So, you don't like coming here?"
A: "Can I use this hat today?"
B: "Sure, I have another one I can use."
A: "That's OK, I won't use it if you don't want me to."
My point is that, as much as I hate direct confrontation done in a rude way, the alternative can become so incumbered with nuances that a real conversation becomes impossible.
Location: Partisanship Is An Intellectual/Emotional Handicap
1,851 posts, read 2,154,562 times
Reputation: 1082
Quote:
Originally Posted by anifani821
I think I should add that I have noticed that there are some folks here in the South who not only don't want to get confrontational with others, they get highly insulted if anyone is confrontational with them. And I also think that a lot of folks consider even a raised voice as being confrontational. Most Southerners will be ready for a fight - literally - if you assault them verbally.
I noticed this at a very young age, when I realized that yelling at folks on the streets of NE cities (i.e., NYC and Philly, as that is where we visited) was somewhat acceptable and didn't necessarily mean that folks were gonna get into a fistfight or pull a gun, lol. Now, things may have changed in the last few years . . . I think people are afraid someone will pull a gun these days (no matter where you are) if people start yelling at one another or sit down on a horn. But it has always seemed to me that the "banter" (wh/ is often loud and maybe even obnoxious) that goes on b/n strangers on streets is a more accepted phenomena than in Southern cities (at least, here in Charlotte).
If you sit down on a horn here, or yell out at someone "are ya just stupid?" when they make a dumb move while driving, people here consider that an invitation to a brawl. I have noticed that drivers "up North" just brush it all off as part of the driving experience.
Southerners consider verbal assaults as the prelude to a fight, whereas it seems to me that folks from large metros in the NE just see it as somewhat "sport" and nothing to take too personally. If I have a mistaken idea about that, then someone needs to correct my perception.
I don't know. You've been here most of your life, so you would know better than me.
But I have come across and met a lot of people dow here who are kind of the opposite of what you're saying.
I've noticed that there are a lot of people down here who considered themselves and pride themselves in being blunt, speak their minds no matter what, "Tell It Like It Is" ...folks. So they blurt out what ever comes to mind without any concern.
But I also noticed that a lot of these indviduals get very offended and upset when they encounter someone else who speaks their mind...is blunt and "Tells It Like It Is". Very strange.
Which goes hand in hand with how some people down here who are very judgemental of others..... like to call others out, call them out and pin them on responsibility and accountability. You know...." Tell people about themselves".
But again, they get highly offended when someone does it to them. Odd.
I've noticed that a lot of the older people (over 50 crowd) are the way Ani is describing. But then again, I've met a few 50 and over people who are the way I'm describing.
They are everywhere. North, South...where ever. Hell, New Jersey sure has their share. Even New Jersey transplants down here in NC ...are like that. Talk a big game, very judgemental of others......cry and whine when it comes back to them.
Just seems liek I've come across more southerners who are like that, down here. Than I ever did in NJ.
hooligan, please forgive the delay, been meaning to get to this...have you found a church home yet???
(that's the question people ask, not "which church do you belong to")
Ha! Now it's my turn to apologize for the delay.
Nope, no "church home" for me - not my thing, but I don't begrudge anyone their religious beliefs/lifestyle choices/whatever.
My wife is looking for a church, though. I told her I'd go with her on the "test drives", too. I'm not averse to attending church, just don't feel a burning (pun intended) desire or need to go.
As for the passive-aggressive behavior and/or veiled discussion, I just take people at face value. If I'm not picking up what they're putting down, that's their problem. Ignorance is bliss!
Loved this thread, just reading it for the 1st time as I have been spending all of my time on relocation threads - and yes, I am coming from NY!!! I am not the least nervous about moving to NC, but very nervous about picking the right development fro our family. Although I want an area with many transplants so there are others in the same boat as me to identify with - I have lived in The midwest,
Southern CA, born and raised in NY. Most neighborhoods where I grew up here in NY are VERY established with NO transplants. We have families nearby, lifelong friends,etc. It would be very hard for any transplant to break into such an established lifestyle in more than a superficial way. Lets face it many people come together as friends when they NEED each other. Now if you are from NY and grew up in an old school neighborhood like me where all of your neighbors were lifelong(good and bad)& EVERYONE knew you and your family, don't tell me that you wouldn't be wary/resentful/amused/or all of a new neighbor - ESPECIALLY if they were VERY different from you! When I moved to my current home, I was relieved that many in my neighborhood came from other parts of the county or the Bronx, because we had the commonality of making the transition to a part of NY that was better for our families TODAY. For whatever reason we chose to branch out from the familiar. There are good and bad people no matter where you go - but it helps to try and move where you can feel comfortable. IMO it has more to do with socio-economic than race/culture. I wouldn't move my kids to a penthouse on Park Avenue(like the "Real Housewives" Shows - they're not like any housewives I know - LOL) even if I suddenly had the $$, because thats just not who we are, and I would expect the natives to be wary and I wouldn't want to have to make the great effort to fit in.
Realistically, most moves are made for job/economic reasons or for family. I hope for all of you making the move that you are considerate of the area you are moving to and if it doesn't feel like a fit - don't try and force it even if it is a great house - keep looking. And I hope for myself that I luck out on the neighbor lottery, because for that you never know what you are going to get until you are already there. Choose wisely, be a good to others, and hope for the best!!!!!
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
