Why So Hard For So Many Husbands To Stand Up To Their Wives? (brainwashing, dollars)

[iknowftbll]

Originally Posted by AnywhereElse

If I remember correctly, the husband has been getting "whatever" from the OP for 10 years without the wife knowing, always showering after to take away the "evidence". So, while you might trust your husband, if this were your husband, he would be keeping secrets from you. This is what makes it hard for others to really grasp the situation, because we wouldn't be in their situation.

If the OP applied to anyone here, sneaking around, showering after to remove "evidence" and then he asked to go on a trip with that person.................

I don't know if anyone has said it, but no reason to beat around the bush, but if I learned this about my husband, I would think he enjoyed this sexual turn on from the massage by a man, finished the "job" in the shower and I would drop kick him to the curb. I suspect there are a "set" of issues in this marriage, and the husband is comfortable with the way things are and doesn't want to jeopardize his comfort.

Odd example for sure.

I agree. There's a creepiness to the way this has been described. I agree with the poster earlier who implied the client isn't ready to be "outed" yet.

[mizzile]

Originally Posted by tijlover

I've done massage for 30-40 years and have had many a married man on my table and I've heard too many stories.

Oh, yeah, I'm sure they are telling the whole entire truth about their lives.

[Pilot1]

Originally Posted by iknowftbll

SAHM/W = stay at home mom/wife. I only added the overweight because of this post earlier in the thread:

That post echos many stereotypes of women who stay home as moms/housewives. While my wife is overweight, she's certainly not lazy. And unemplyed...? She's not looking for work outside the home just yet. We have the money she'll need for college set aside and when a couple career variables on my end solidify she'll be going to school to be a teacher.

As for it not sounding appealing to you, it doesn't have to. It's my life and she is appealing to me, physcially and intellectually.

Thanks for the explanation. I thought maybe SAHM/W was something like SWMBO (she who must be obeyed), but yeah, it's your life, and if you are happy that's great. The fact that SWMBO is even a thing tells me a lot about marriage. There must be enough over bearing women out their to warrant it. My ex wife was like that, and it was a happy day when I put her in my rearview mirror.

[codergirl]

I have to say that in the end...it's their decision if they want to be controlled by the other person because that's what it is.Oh and women do the same thing always siding with their man no matter what.I think it's really pathetic and there's not much one can do if you have friends or relatives in that sort of controlling environment.They are allowing it and I saw that that's their issue.Not all couples are like that...they're called the healthy couples.Obviously there is no trust in these types of relationships...just control over the other..which is being allowed in the end.

[Mikala43]

People chose who they marry, so they are getting something out of it that they want.

You don't know if he was just using his wife as an excuse not to go with you, and it is not a "guy" thing, plenty of women are married to guys who are more on the controlling side.

[JONOV]

Originally Posted by MillennialUrbanist

It's not about picking your battles. With a lot of people, give them an inch, and they'll take a mile. For example: a wife will make a mildly unreasonable demand, as a test to see how her husband reacts. If he doesn't stand his ground, the demands will escalate. Consider...

First, they came for my plain white bathroom tile,
And I didn't object, because I can get used to pink.
Its all about setting ground rules. One of which is, that I have veto power on interior decorating decisions. I don't have strong opinions about what I want, mostly its about what I don't want

Then, they came for my fishing magazine subscription,
And I didn't object, because I can still read "Cosmopolitan".
Actually, my wife always gets me car and hunting magazines with rewards points of some kind or another

Then, they came for my Super Bowl Sunday routine,
And I didn't object, because I already saw it last year.
Eh, I have shows she doesn't watch, and she doesn't subject me to "The Bachelor."

Then, they came for my cheat days of pizza and beer,
And I didn't object, because I can learn to like kale salad.
I eat healthier with my wife, and I'll hopefully live longer for it. The blood work is moving in the right direction

Then, they came for my dignity,
And by then, there was nothing left.


Exactly! Every man I know who got married is no longer his own person. He's more like a male version of his significant other. He says he's happy to be married, but... . Maybe it's modern America's perverse values, that a man must submit himself to his wife's rules in order to be considered "adult". But I'd rather be Peter Pan than do that. Especially considering that a woman certainly isn't required to do the same.

I've seen plenty of guys where I think, "have you no self respect? You're on a hunting trip freaking out about the dog getting beat up by a critter and you're worried about what your wife will think about his scars?"

But it all depends. I have to say that when I look at marriages with crappy power balances, then its about 50-50. One close friend openly says, "I only wear the pants because she looks better in a dress." But I've never invited him hunting or fishing and had him say, "no, can't do it" unless he has a major family function or she's not home and he has to watch the baby.

[Koale]

All I can tell you is... Happy Wife...Happy Life.
Koale

[Pilot1]

Originally Posted by JONOV

I've seen plenty of guys where I think, "have you no self respect? You're on a hunting trip freaking out about the dog getting beat up by a critter and you're worried about what your wife will think about his scars?"

But it all depends. I have to say that when I look at marriages with crappy power balances, then its about 50-50. One close friend openly says, "I only wear the pants because she looks better in a dress." But I've never invited him hunting or fishing and had him say, "no, can't do it" unless he has a major family function or she's not home and he has to watch the baby.

A few years ago, I went on a guys weekend with a bunch of friends. All of them are married, as was I at the time. No shenanigans, just guy stuff. Sports bars, gun ranges, hiking, etc. One of the friends announces on arrival that his wife has given him exactly 24 hours to be away from the house. So we all arrive Friday night, and he leaves Saturday afternoon to get back in time as it was a 2 1/2 hour drive for him each way. So essentially, he got to spend 19 hours with us. We all asked him why he put up with such a silly requirement, and he just said, you don't want to know.

[SFSGood]

I'm 260, she's 102 in street clothes. Guess who rules? And it's strange. She's a homebody, talk very little, doesn't shop, asks for practically nothing, save a high end car of her own to carry her to her weekly hair appointment and an occasional night of dancing. Still, she can drop me with a look. But she was happy to let me go to Mexico with a buddy, and I can hunt and fish anywhere, anytime. She trusts me. Her neighbor was Lorena Bobbitt. Talk about walk softly...

[NewYorker11356]

Originally Posted by iknowftbll

Fascinating thread.

The dynamic in my marriage has shifted over the years (we're coming up on 12 next month). my wife has steadily grown more assertive, even downright dominant of me. This doesn't mean she walks all over me. As far as doing things guys like, I have it made. It's just she is more or less the final say on more things than not. There isn't much I do without her endorsement. And here's the thing: I am fine with that. I work in a high pressure and often zero-defect environment. It is nice to be able to turn off the type-A personality that allows me to be successful in that environment, even if it means being a submissive husband to my overweight SAHM/W.

Since our dynamic has evolved in this direction we argue less and are generally much happier together. We both come and go and pursue our interests. She doesn't ride roughshod over me the way people may imagine when they hear "submissive husband." On the biggest decisions we come to an agreement together. For just about everything else I give my input and if she decides.

I feel no need to "stand up" to her. If she tells me I'm not going on a weekend trip, or to the gun range, or whatever then it's that simple: I don't go. She knows this and does not abuse it. In turn when she restricts me from doing something I trust that her reason is important to her even if I don't initially agree with her decision. What I like doing is genuinely important to her because she often encourages me to do things she knows I want to do but I don't mention or ask because of expense, time, etc.

Also, I don't need to use my wife as an excuse. I'm able to tell people when I'm not interested in something. I don't ever want to convey to an outsider that I am beholden to this woman and resent it.

Naturally things are not perfect in our marriage and we don't always agree. I don't always submit with a smile on my face either. But more and more I'm finding when she states her position on something, if mine is different when I really get to thinking about it I find it's not important enough to discuss and risk allowing it to boil into an argument. The best part about this is when something is important enough for me to dig in my heels we can approach it without it becoming an argument because she knows I am not the type to die on every hill as it were.

I've got a good thing going here. I'm not going to undermine it by arguing over things that aren't all that important to me. My wife will be honest up front: She likes being in control. I'm happy to let her have it and am getting better and better at it. And the rewards for compliance are well worth it!

I mean, if that type of dynamic works for you, then that's good!

It wouldn't work for me, and the type of woman I'd want to date wouldn't either if I tried to do something like that.