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Bluff...Thanks for sharing how you're a "keeper" too...My husband and I decided to take a different approach (concerning rings) when we were on the brink of our 8th wedding anniversary... Both of us had been married and divorced in the past and we wanted to do something to signify (and remind ourselves) that we never planned to divorce each other...We wanted to stay best friends (and "in-love") forever (and ever) versus falling into any "marriage ruts."...So we both decided to just stop wearing our wedding rings... We felt okay about going "ring-less" and viewed each day that we spent together as "our choice."...And it worked! We were happily married and the "best of friends" for 24 plus years...Our 27th wedding anniversary is coming-up in just a few days. This year I want to do something special to honor our love and undying friendship. (Because my husband's spirit definitely lives-on inside of me!)....I know you feel this way about your wife too.
This is my first post in grief and mourning, though I've been thinking about it for a while. The title of this thread really spoke to me, so here I am. I'm middle aged, originally from Nashville, TN. Moved to Los Angeles in the 90s, married, etc... Long story short, marriage broke down, went back to school to get my Master's and change careers just as the bottom fell out of the economy, so - with the marriage falling apart the career going nowhere, my mom (she moved out here in the late 90s) and I decided to move back home to TN. I had high hopes, I'll be the first to admit. Finally, I thought, things will start to turn around. We'll start over, be close to family and dear friends, etc...
Well, Mom was 81 and had severe rheumatoid arthritis but still healthy. But her health started to decline quickly. We'd been back less than two months when she had to get a walker. A couple of months later and she was having more trouble getting around. Then, in August, she fell. She didn't break anything but was never the same. She was having PT at home and seemed to be making progress - then, within a few days, she go so weak she couldn't sit up by herself. She was never a doctor goer and she wrote all new pain off to the RA. She'd been having trouble swallowing too but thought it was just sinus drainage. On night she is suddenly in a lot of pain. Took her to the ER and they admitted her. She died 17 days later. Basically, she was ready to go. The doctors believe she had undiagnosed cancer that led to a tumor in her throat. She'd had a lot of pain in the back of her neck, but thought it was the RA. It just reached a critical point. She denied a feeding tube and treatment was was transferred to a hospice at her request. They were wonderful. I'm an only child and my dad was never around - Mom and I were very close. I was devastated. On the plus side, we were at home and I was surrounded by family and loved ones and she got to say goodbye to all.
I ended up back in California because it was winter by then and my job offered me a promotion (I'd been working part-time remotely with a couple of trips to LA). I needed a change of scenery and winters there are depressing (I have depression issues) so I came back out here. One the positive side, I've gotten another promotion so the career thing is good. But my ex and I had 3 cats, one of which I took. He kept the older two. Both have died of cancer since I got back out here in January - one just last Friday.
So it seems like things I love just keep dying. None of my plans worked out. I feel all alone out here but can't walk away from this great job. I'm sad. Mother's Day is coming - signs and ads everywhere - a constant reminder that for the first time in my life I don't have a mom on mother's day.
Sorry for the long rant but it's been a bad few days...thanks for reading.
Spikett...I'm so sorry you lost your Mom and went through so many hardships...Good that you have a job now....Please post anytime. I'm the one who started this thread and I can sure relate to multiple losses and set-backs. Really, really sorry that you lost your Mom.
It's hard to handle "losses" on top of "losses.".. I feel a "loss" when a friend drifts away...Or when one of my favorite (longtime) stores or restaurants goes out of business...It's hard to adjust to sudden and abrupt "changes." (Of any kind!)...It's weird when "losses" suddenly become the new "norm."...I have 2 cats left and I wonder how long they will live. (Since they are getting "up in age" and all of my other cats died within a few years.)...All of my "human loved ones" died within a short span of time too! Sad!...I don't want to live a "detached" kind of life just because I'm afraid of going through more "losses."...I really need a "break" or "vacation" from having to deal with one "loss" after another. (At least for awhile anyway!)
I happened to find out yesterday that a friend of mine died this past February AND my old ex-fiance passed in 2006. I got bummed out about the ex and felt a sense of loss. I searched his name hoping to get back in touch. He had found me again over 20 years ago but I was married to ex #2 then. I was hoping to reconnect with familiarity.
I feel sad when my husband and I drive around in Morris County, NJ (my "hood" growing up). I feel so sad because I associate so many of those places with my parents. My father is dead and my mother is in a nursing home with dementia, and I "miss" her so much even though she is still alive!
I also miss my high school friends. I miss the innocent, carefree days of youth!
I ask because as the years go by for me - I'm about to be 66. (eek!)
so many losses - my own friends, people that I "know" only because they are newsworthy, eg Richie Havens - I feel a different kind of loss, but still loss. It reminds me of my mortality.
And I also feel loss when familiar landmarks change or disappear. Til you mentioned it, I didn't think of that in the same context of losing people, but it is a similar feeling.
Of course one does not have to be in the 2nd half of life to experience loss. Just that there is so much more of it now!
Quote:
Originally Posted by CArizona
It's hard to handle "losses" on top of "losses.".. I feel a "loss" when a friend drifts away...Or when one of my favorite (longtime) stores or restaurants goes out of business...It's hard to adjust to sudden and abrupt "changes." (Of any kind!)...It's weird when "losses" suddenly become the new "norm."...I have 2 cats left and I wonder how long they will live. (Since they are getting "up in age" and all of my other cats died within a few years.)...All of my "human loved ones" died within a short span of time too! Sad!...I don't want to live a "detached" kind of life just because I'm afraid of going through more "losses."...I really need a "break" or "vacation" from having to deal with one "loss" after another. (At least for awhile anyway!)
ellenrr...Enjoyed your post. Thanks...I'm "up there!" (I'll be 65 at the end of the year.)...I hope I have it in me to "start over." I keep trying!...Sometimes it's hard for me to deal with the "out with the old" and "in with the new" mentality...I'm sentimental and I enjoy "bonding" with people, places and things...I don't want to "upgrade" every few months. Want to "hold-on" for awhile and enjoy "who" and "what" I "have."..Do you feel this way too? Happy birthday!
ellenrr...Enjoyed your post. Thanks...I'm "up there!" (I'll be 65 at the end of the year.)...I hope I have it in me to "start over." I keep trying!...Sometimes it's hard for me to deal with the "out with the old" and "in with the new" mentality...I'm sentimental and I enjoy "bonding" with people, places and things...I don't want to "upgrade" every few months. Want to "hold-on" for awhile and enjoy "who" and "what" I "have."..Do you feel this way too? Happy birthday!
Since I have a decade and a half on both of you two, I have had lots of "losses and disappiontments". The rural school I attended was a one room schoolhouse with eight grades. My class was the largest with 5 students. Eight years with the same students and four more high school years we knew each other pretty well. Just Virginia and I out of the original 5 and high school isn't a whole lot better. My college chums are dwendling as well. Nice to be adding efriends however. (((HUGGS TO YOU BOTH)))
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Are you an elder? (not elderly)
