Who has lost a parent?

[I LOVE PA!]

Wow....this thread has been a comfort to me. I lost my Dad March 5, 2008. I can barely count the days that I haven't cried. I tell NO ONE that I cry everyday. My Dad was 82 and I am 48. After reading a lot of these posts I feel very selfish to voice my pain. This is why I keep it in...so many haven't had their Dad as long as I did. He is the first person that I have lost who was close to me. I still can't believe he is not here. Pictures are so hard to look at. His car parked in his garage...very hard to see. My Mom doesn't drive and we haven't been able to find a buyer yet. He drove a white Hyundai Sante Fe...they are everywhere, so it is a constant reminder. I also live in the same neighborhood as my parents, so I 'see' him everywhere. Church is hard...it's the last place I saw my Dad alive, I had taken them to mass just a week and a half before because my Dad's car had a dead battery. I have to take my Mom to church every Sunday, and I still picture sitting in the front pew looking at my Dad's casket. My Dad used a walker...everyman I see with a walker brings tears to my eyes. I live in a small rural town...I bumped into my Dad everywhere....his memory is EVERYWHERE.
I would never thought it would be this hard for so long...it's good to hear that it is normal.

There were many times my Dad had near brushes with death and always pulled through. I have been through so much of an emotional roller coaster with both my parent's health issues. My dad had been better than he'd been in many years for the last 4 months he was alive. We were planning on doing things he wasn't up to doing for a very long time. We were waiting for Spring. He died in his own bed at home. He was perfectly fine that day. My Mom found him and called me...the memory of him laying in his bed, he looked like he sat up and just fell back...his legs hanging over the edge of the bed. My Mom send me e-mails at thre in the morning...I see the time and know she just can't bare to walk in that bedroom...the memories just come back.
Along with my loss I worry about my Mom all the time. I lay in bed at night and am so aware of her being alone. I don't have an extra bedroom...we are trying to sell our house for 2 yrs now so both my parents could move in when we purchased a bigger home. now it is just my Mom, but we can't sell this house in these times. I would have to sell hers also. She is very lonely. My Mom seemed so sure she was going first. She had her reading and songs picked out for her funeral. She has life insurance for her so my Dad would be Ok...hardly any for my Dad. She now struggles financially. It just all sucks.

I try to keep this thought....I have no control over the neagative things that happen in my life...but I do have control over the positive. If they don't come to me...I have to bring them to me. And with far more positive things...it enables me to put a smile on my face.....sometimes.

[Daydreamer80]

First off, my condolences to you for your loss.

I, too lost my dad suddenly 10 months ago and it is still a fresh wound. I, however, have been fortunate enough to feel at peace with his death. For instance, I have never felt any feelings of anger since he has been gone. I am still in the grieving process and, like you, I cry almost everyday. This tragedy has been a real testament within my friendships and my realtionship with my boyfriend. It has definitely put my boyfriend and I through a whirlwind of issues. I used to be this tough cookie where as, now I feel like I am overly sensitive about everything. I struggle with feelings of uncertainty and I also now have loads of insecurities that I never once had. I have been recently searching for a bereavement counselor and I plan to see one soon. I know this is the ONLY way I will be able to get through this. I know everyone has said that time is what truly heals. However, in my case, I have been through so much with my family (both parents were substance abusers at various times) that I feel like I could truly benefit from therapy in more ways than one. I also feel like the people that I am closest to, other than my two siblings and my mother, cannot relate; therefore it has been hard to, not only express how I feel, but to get what I want out of the conversation when it involves my speaking about my loss. I think if you feel like you need to see a bereavement counselor than you probably need to. I believe in therapy, and although it doesn't always help everyone, it is work a try, in my opinion. My dad's birthday is in less than a week, and I have definitely been feeling more emotional due to that. I know until I REALLY start opening up and letting everything out, I will not make any progress. My heart goes out to you and I wish you the best of luck with your journey. I know that it is not an easy one. When I lost my dad, I thouhgt I had life into perspective, but boy was I wrong. My advice to you is to live your life how you want to live and, and do what makes YOU happy. Life is too short, and who knows when it is our turn. Dance in the rain....stay up all night eating ice cream and don't feel guilty about it. Put your family and friends first and your job second. Strive everyday to be a better person, and remember that not only are there people out there who are going through or have gone through what we have gone through, but there are people out there who never knew their father. Be thankful that you had so many good years with him even though that time was cut short. I lost my dad right after I turned 27, and I didn't know how to come to terms that he would never walk me down the isle, or ever get to meet his future grandchildren; but when I remember that I was grateful to have 27 years with him, and although not all of those years were good years, I know that he loved me for all 27 of them.

[nwcountrygal]

I feel your pain Raven76 sorry for you
I Love Pa.... Wow my dad died March 5 2008 also........
I was a major Daddy's girl and loved him more than anyone in my life. I never made a major decision without his input.

Responding to this forum then gonna check out the links...

In the beginning I thought this process would be over in a month or two HA gota laugh at that one. I too have been questioning looking into anti depressants guidiance of some sort. Also wondering why I am still on a emotional roller coaster.... however each month does get better... I think.

My Dad just retired March 07 - re- diagnosed with Colon cancer moved into lungs after 7 years being in remission. He never smoked. I lost my great uncle (his uncle) Oct 13 2007 My Grandfather Nov 14 (Dads dad on my birthday) and then Dad. This friday I lost my best friends 24 daughter in a car accident. What a year...

I don't want to assume here so let me know if I am wrong.... I sense possible Raven your hanging onto guilt (unintentionally) ..... or its just my reading into my own feelings... I will explain.

I am dealing with the greif process... I have been denial anger and back in forth. I have a problem with the guilt I have that wont let go. My Dad did Chemo for 10 months. At first it worked great! He felt better - Geezzz after his first chemo I called him two days later and he was on the golf course!! Yea! but all the differnt chemos didn't work. In Nov he went on traditional chemo... things started going down hill. However... my Dad never spent a night in hosiptal - he spent every night by himself. This is how he wanted it.
The end of Feb he went on experimental chemo drug - we put sooo much hope into that it would work. However the time inbetween months - he was traveling doing his own thing and I was so busy working we saw eachother little. We lived 2 hours apart. Talked of taking a trip together that I regret we never made.
He "let" me back into his life and started to allow help the middle of Feb. I went every day mostly took him to appointments... cooked dinner... He was soooooooo positive he was gonna beat this- made a believer out of me and also hid from me how bad things had progressed. I knew things were bad - thought worst case maybe a couple of months - so it was a shock. We didn't discuss finances or where anything was. The day he died was the day I got and lost power of attorney.
I feel like I let him down by not spending his last night with him. Although things were all arranged safely for his evening- I was 10 minutes away phone at hand. He said he would be fine - see you in am. I found him however not fine..wondering how long he was sufffering threw the night ( although my friends closet completly crashed at 3am). and the guilt I have for would things be differnt if I was there? I know this is unreasonable but still feel and relive it. He passed that day only when the doctors told him he couldn't win this fight anymore. I told them to give him drugs then - we discussed but I went outside to gather myself - came back too late to say the goodbye in person while he was still awake.
Seems like all of us are normal. I still reach for the phone to tell Dad something ask advice or almost buy something because I knew he would like it. Cry almost every day - an improvement I guess. Go back and forth with anger and denial - I buried him 3 states away as he wished so don't have grave to visit. I will be 40 this year - never married either.... thought if I did he would be there.
I try to concentrate with the thought he is living as he wanted to live now. No limitations and many places to go. He stayed with me for a couple of months after he passed. It was strange but comforting. I had to let him go though - I can't keep him literally here for me. He is in spirit and makes appearences still. Like when I was on the beach last month thinking of him - Look down and find the perfect heart rock laying at my feet.

Long winded sorry all - hope it helps you - you have all helped me at least knowing I am normal. Blessings to everyone.

[I LOVE PA!]

I am at peace with my Dad's passing but things do haunt me. My Dad had been very sick last summer with congestive heart fialure. They didn't think he was going to make it. He declined for many weeks in the hospital, and then slowly started getting better. He came home after 8 weeks but lost his ability to walk from not being alowed out of bed. He did spend the last 2 weeks in a rehab facility and then came home. I didn't know how my Mom was going to manage. But my Dad improved every day. He was walking with a walker in no time. He had gotten a pace maker and it really seamed to amke a difference in his health. He had been better than he'd been in many years. So...since I had spent so much time in the hospital, day and night...once he got well...I didn't go and see him as often. My Dad and Mom live just 5 minutes from me...I'd stop in but never stayed long. You kinda get in that habbit when you live close. My Mom called me one night and said she couldn't wake my Dad up. Not once did I ever think he was gone as I raced over there. I thought something was wrong..but never thought he'd be gone.
I would obcess about the last few times I saw him...He died March 5, his birthday was Feb 14. I had made a lasagna and a cake and took it over...it was a week night, my brother's wife also went with her 4 kids...our husbands were both working, my odler daughter in school. That was a great meal and celebration. I remember saying to him.."I can't beleive how good you look Dad!" And he said "I feel good too." My last meal with him was actually in the hospital cafeteria...my Mom had a heart attack 8 days before my Dad died. I was amazed how far he walked from my Mom's room to the cafeteria. My very last time with him was at church. I could kick myself for not spending more time with him. I was sad that he never got to see the Hoover Dam...a dream of his. I was greatful I never had to take his car keys away...he loved to drive, and couldn't for awhile.

As time passes..I think you come to terms with all these last things. You realize that they will happen with everyone you love. It's sad but true.
I'm thankful my Dad is at peace with those he has loved. He was buried with his infant daughter who died at 9 days old. He is also 3 states from me. I am so very greatful that he didn't have to see the niside of a hospital ever again. Those 8 weeks were AWFUL. For everyone. The stress of watching someone decline in a hospital week after week after week is horrible. For anyone who has lost a family member suddenly..it is by far the better option.
I've thought of medicine too. but I guess it's normal...nut I do wish there was a pill for all this!

[Lakewooder]

It's been 12 1/2 years since my daddy died on the 17th. He was 75 but I just knew he would live into his late 80s. I was so bad the first year that a friend finally burst out "you've been dead since your daddy died". That sort of shocked me back into reality.

Years later I still hear his voice telling me what to do - he showed me how to live a good live and I am grateful. Sometimes we laugh at how cheap (or so we thought - turned out he did very well financially coming from a tenant cotton farm in the Depression) he was and we try to follow his example of thrift.

I sometimes have dreams about him and he is always alive in those dreams and doing something.

[nwcountrygal]

This thread is a comfort - hugs to all of you.
Thank you for the responses. Again it is good to feel normal. I love Pa - yes I agree I am so thankful my Dad never had to endure being in the hospital except for the last day.... although it might have been needed in hindsite I wouldn't change a thing.
You talking about how your Dad got better. Mine did too months before and then the week before - funny how this seems common. He would till the day before he died pratice going without oxygen much to my chargen. He was finally put on morphine long acting week before.. lost his voice back in Jan due to the chemo - I was soooo emotionally exhausted from the whole week I traded for his sister to come over the next day to see how he was doing with medication. LOL he met her at the door - no oxygen - she just looked at him expecting much worse and said Holy ### you look great! He said I feel great!! They got to talk for 4 hours something he had been unable to do for 3 months! It was great because their relationship really wasn't on for the past 30 years. Wish I was there for it... but glad they shared.
The funny one was I came over to take to DR couple of days later - asked for the keys to car to go gas up. He just looked at me and mouthed I already did it. I just looked at him baffled - No he is wrong - remembered wrong- the car was empty two days ago. He is on oxygen and morphine.... must of got mixed up. Went out to the car -sure enough it had a full tank of gas... went in and asked again he said he went to the post office too..... LOL I don't condone but -- I just imagine my Dad driving with oyxgen high on morphine (although I am sure he waited till mainly wore off - he didn't really approve of taking it till the night before he died) getting gas/post..... this was three days before he died he did this. Just as the day before he insisted on walking into the hospital on his own... took a toll but he did it his way.
I am very proud he was able to always do things his way.....

[debey]

https://www.city-data.com/forum/group...your-loss.html

social group, you may be interested in.........

[dvcgal]

I lost my father 16 years ago. I still cry for him. I was a pre-teen when he passed and it is still very hard for me. He committed suicide and I have never been able to fully accept that. I have two children of my own and I cannot even imagine leaving them behind, but especially not voluntarily. I have since only attended one funeral and that was for another friend a few years later who lost his father to cancer. It has been 13 years since I have attended another funeral and it has to do with the loss of my father.
Let me clarify that this is not something that I think about daily or cry about all of the time. This is something that affects me probably 3 times a year (the anniv. of his death, fathers day~last day I saw him alive 16 yrs ago, and Christmas~last time my family, as a whole spent Christmas together was 16 years ago). His death really tore my family apart for several reasons but mainly because I have a couple of siblings who have refused to accept his death and are still in a continual denial about things.
I think everyone grieves differently and I can tell you that time does help heal wounds. I have forgiven my father for his decision even though I cannot understand it and have never blamed my downfalls on his death.

[Raven1976]

Originally Posted by nwcountrygal

.... I sense possible Raven your hanging onto guilt (unintentionally) ..... or its just my reading into my own feelings...

I am definitely feeling guilty about my dad's passing. It all happened so quickly. I definitely feel like i'm going a bit "crazy" in a way because now I can't seem to ever think of him alive. All I do is remember him lying on the floor, him being carried away by the funeral home, and then laying in the coffin.

The night before he died I had gone over to see my parents )they were only 5 mintues away too. I stayed for a couple of hours. My dad was laying on the sofa half asleep and I gave him a kiss and said I'd see him tomorrow. Well that next day I was so tired from work that I decided not to pass by and would do so on Friday instead. That night at 11pm my mother cxalled and said he wasn't feeling well and he had called my brother to take him over to the hospital. This had happened before when he'd have a little chest pain and we'd take him to the hospital and then he'd be okay the next day.
She said she had also called the ambulance and they were rushing over. I hung up and said I was going to change and go over. She called me back 10 minutes later and said he died.
I was in complete shock and the exact words she said to me will haunt me forever. I was alone in my apt. cause my husband was working. I completely started screaming and crying in the apt. and the hallway. I somehow managed to call a taxi company, even while screaming ot take me over. Really I shouldv'e called the police, but when I got to the apt. there he was lying in the kitchen. The house was full of emt, police, and our next door neighbor. I never cried so hard before in my life and seeing the pain in my brother and mother's eyes was so difficult as well. I also had to call my brother in FL to tell him what had happened. I keep reliving that night almost everyday and it makes me crazy, but I can't stop thinking about it.

i feel so guilty for not going that day to see them instead of going home because I could've seen him one more time. He died on OCt 4th, 2007 and the month before I also didn't see him much because since I'm a teacher, Sept. was pretty hectic and didn't have a chance to go over most days.

Since his death I just really don't seem to give a **** about much. Every day seems like a blur. I've also realized who were my friends and who were not. None of them can relate becausae they all have their parents.
Especially after he was cremated, I felt even worse to see his remains in a box. It made me physically ill and it brings me such pain that this person I loved so much is now ashes.

[I LOVE PA!]

Raven...I see so much of what you are saying in me also.
Sweetie...you say you wished you had seen him one last time...well...you have to come to grips with the fact that you did see him one last time...just not the last time that you had planned. I know exactly how you feel. I wish I had seen my Dad the day before. I think It was several days for me...and I get so mad that I didn't go over more often. We had bought my daughter her first car on Friday and my Dad died on Wed. We never did get to take her car over to show him. In his 'favorites' on his computer was a picture of her car..silly as it seemed but it killed me. He had looked it up but we never showed it to him.
I also keep seeing my Dad lying on his bed...when I got there my Mom was on the phone with 911...they asked me if I knew CPR...it was at this point I realized he was gone...I told them...No...he's been through so much." I knew he ws gone for awhile. My Mom is a night owl...she stayed up late playing games on her computer...when she went to bed she found him slumped over in a sitting position. He was fine about 2 hrs earlier when he went to bed. just as I said this to the 911 operator, the first EMT ran in....my Mom kept saying "Please help him." The EMT had me help him get my Dad on the floor, my brother walked in and I left the room to be with my Mom. My brother had to help the EMT do CPR, I felt so bad for him. He also went to the hospital and just sat with my Dad even though he was gone. In Pa...once you start CPR, it must be continued until the County Coroner pronounces you dead. I too remember my Mom's words...and when she said "I can't wake up Dad"....I said "You're kidding" and she said "No, I'm not kidding." How awful to remember that. I too think of my Dad lying on the floor, lying in the casket....wish I could clearly remember something happier. I'm hopnig in time those things will fade. I also see my brothers kids faces. They are small....his 8 yr old daughter at one point was sitting in a chair in the funeral home and her eyes were just wide open...starring...it was so sad. My poor nephew was under a chair...he is 11. They were in such shock. There just didn't seem to be enough adults to shelter the kids...my own girls had never seen a deceased body and they were 16 and 20. It was so hard on so many fronts.
My Dad's reclining chair is also a grim reminder....just can't wait to see more happy things that remind me of him.

I do know that by keeping busy and doing things that bring joy to you as well as others is a help.

This is the saying we had put on my Dad's funeral card...
"Grieve not, nor speak of me with tears, but laugh with me as if I were beside you...I loved you all...it t'was heaven here with you."
doesn't help much...still makes me cry.