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Thanks for the explanation, Computertology. I'm not sure you've broken her "spell" just yet though even if you may have had no contact with her. I find it interesting that you define success in life in terms of having prestige and material possessions that your mother might be envious about.
No, ive only been no contact for 4 months, but i understand the dynamics of whats going on now so i have a framework to understand all of the mistreatment.
On the prestige and material possessions, youd have to know her to understand. She would wave the posessions of my golden child sister in my face, criticize my car ("you will need to get a real car one day instead of that peice of junk"). Narcissists care about how things appear beyond all else. if i had a hundred peoples fingers and toes i still couldnt count the number of times shes mentioned how she.grew up in a well heeled neighborhood or how her dad was a lawyer and her grandfather was a judge, or how fantastic it was that some person i didnt know bought a BMW, or some bull like that.
I actually left investment banking for 10 years to run a small home based business and while the income was lower than i could have made working, the expenses were nil and those were some of the best years of my life, the freedom was incredible. The recession wiped me out so i went back to working for the one percent.
The reason i bring that up is because those are her definitions of success - and in jealousy - because i was supposed to be the poor pathetic failure she started working doubly hard to undermine my reputation and make family, friends any anyone else who might know me think that its all bull so as to prevent them from thinking i was doing well. She lives in a small town and has had decades invested in telling people what a loser i am so any reversal of that image might prove that she was wrong.
If theres one thing about narcissists, its that they can absolutely never be wrong, ever, about anything, even if its the most meaningless little thing. Part of the DSM definition for NPD is a "grandiose sense of self, of perfection".
To be truthful i find the fact that im right back in the same industry, building, social clubs, hotels, and fine restaurants kind of amusing - given that i tried to get out of this crazy business a decade ago to get out of the rat race. I took a small simple job in a small branch because i was hesitant to get back into the rat race and i got sucked right back into the big leagues. The industry must be in my blood or something. I would rather sit at home, putter on projects, and have a few drinks at home than linger around in expensive establishments - i find it a waste of money - but work pays for everything and it goes with the job, and who can say no to a $100 a plate meal. On the weekends im at home puttering away. Lol. The boat though has been really cool family fun though.
My mother has many traits of a narcissist. I am still not sure though. She also drinks too much.
Whatever you want to call it, she is awful. Just awful. I have been "fighting" with her (for lack of a better term) all day via Facebook and I am just drained and tired and my head hurts.
In the past I have stopped contact and it always lead to times of pure bliss and peace. The problem is now, she is 70 years old and it isn't as simple as that anymore. She is quite independent and lives alone and drives and all that still, but I know the time will come when she cannot care for herself and there is just me (my brother is in prison).
I can't even begin to explain her, it would entail writing a novel... but to summarize she creates drama where there is none, starts big fights, then retreats and tells the world how we, her family, treat her horribly and don't' care about her at all and reject her. "We" being my spouse and kids. She goes out of her way to misinterpret something and turns molehills into mountains at every turn.
She tells everyone else how awful we treat her and she posts things on her Facebook page all the time to air out the "dirty laundry", and constantly compares me to other females (family and family friends) who supposedly "treat her better" than her own flesh and blood.
I honestly think that the biggest problem in our "relationship" is that after age 20 (I am 41), after I had my first child, I stopped being a doormat and stopped being submissive and started telling her "no" or standing up for myself. She has never accepted having an adult daughter.
Just today, in her all-caps "screaming" at me, she said pretty much the same thing. She said that we should have a relationship like we did when I was younger and that *I* am somehow "afraid" of that. Um.. what?
For the longest time I just ignored her. She tells everyone that I neglect her, have abandoned her, don't love her, blah blah but she had my uncle and my Grandma around. Now, my Grandma is dead (my mother cared for her for her last 8 years of life), and she had a falling out with her brother (my Uncle) about my Grandma's death so he hasn't been around either, and she is alone and she uses that to guilt me into agreeing to getting together. Then it turns into this whole awful thing every time.
My mother has many traits of a narcissist. I am still not sure though. She also drinks too much.
Whatever you want to call it, she is awful. Just awful. I have been "fighting" with her (for lack of a better term) all day via Facebook and I am just drained and tired and my head hurts.
In the past I have stopped contact and it always lead to times of pure bliss and peace. The problem is now, she is 70 years old and it isn't as simple as that anymore. She is quite independent and lives alone and drives and all that still, but I know the time will come when she cannot care for herself and there is just me (my brother is in prison).
I can't even begin to explain her, it would entail writing a novel... but to summarize she creates drama where there is none, starts big fights, then retreats and tells the world how we, her family, treat her horribly and don't' care about her at all and reject her. "We" being my spouse and kids. She goes out of her way to misinterpret something and turns molehills into mountains at every turn.
She tells everyone else how awful we treat her and she posts things on her Facebook page all the time to air out the "dirty laundry", and constantly compares me to other females (family and family friends) who supposedly "treat her better" than her own flesh and blood.
I honestly think that the biggest problem in our "relationship" is that after age 20 (I am 41), after I had my first child, I stopped being a doormat and stopped being submissive and started telling her "no" or standing up for myself. She has never accepted having an adult daughter.
Just today, in her all-caps "screaming" at me, she said pretty much the same thing. She said that we should have a relationship like we did when I was younger and that *I* am somehow "afraid" of that. Um.. what?
For the longest time I just ignored her. She tells everyone that I neglect her, have abandoned her, don't love her, blah blah but she had my uncle and my Grandma around. Now, my Grandma is dead (my mother cared for her for her last 8 years of life), and she had a falling out with her brother (my Uncle) about my Grandma's death so he hasn't been around either, and she is alone and she uses that to guilt me into agreeing to getting together. Then it turns into this whole awful thing every time.
Guess I just needed to vent about it a bit.
Life's too short. Take care of yourself and your children and go no contact with this woman. She'll get old, and she'll die, and it's not your problem. You didn't ask to be born, and you certainly didn't choose her as your mother, so you don't owe her jack sh*t. Block her on Facebook, and if she uses anyone else to try to get information about you, you'll have to block them too.
You deserve a life that doesn't involve verbal abuse and cyber abuse. So what if she gave birth to you. Big deal. Even roaches have kids.
Location: Central Bay Area, CA as of Jan 2010...but still a proud Texan from Houston!
7,484 posts, read 10,449,471 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SweetnessJones
Life's too short. Take care of yourself and your children and go no contact with this woman. She'll get old, and she'll die, and it's not your problem. You didn't ask to be born, and you certainly didn't choose her as your mother, so you don't owe her jack sh*t. Block her on Facebook, and if she uses anyone else to try to get information about you, you'll have to block them too.
You deserve a life that doesn't involve verbal abuse and cyber abuse. So what if she gave birth to you. Big deal. Even roaches have kids.
How do you know that she did not choose the family she was born into?
Fuked up parents did not just become that way via genetics. Children of these types of parents need to walk away at times but also let the parent know that if they ever need their help that they will help. Be the bigger person and set your boundaries but never turn on a suffering parent that did not know how to be the stellar parent. If the abuse is too severe than by all means slam that door shut and never look back!
How do you know that she did not choose the family she was born into?
Fuked up parents did not just become that way via genetics. Children of these types of parents need to walk away at times but also let the parent know that if they ever need their help that they will help. Be the bigger person and set your boundaries but never turn on a suffering parent that did not know how to be the stellar parent. If the abuse is too severe than by all means slam that door shut and never look back!
I hope you're being sarcastic because that made no sense. And being a "bigger person" does not include putting oneself in the line of fire to be abused by a parent, regardless of that parent's need. Giving birth to a child does not entitle one to have that child in one's life indefinitely. The only thing connecting them is genetics, not love or affection. Family is earned. Setting boundaries with a narcissist typically means they will increase their abusive campaign, thereby increasing their victim's suffering. There is usually no winning with these wastes of oxygen, only degrees of losing.
My mother has many traits of a narcissist. I am still not sure though. She also drinks too much.
Whatever you want to call it, she is awful. Just awful. I have been "fighting" with her (for lack of a better term) all day via Facebook and I am just drained and tired and my head hurts.
In the past I have stopped contact and it always lead to times of pure bliss and peace. The problem is now, she is 70 years old and it isn't as simple as that anymore. She is quite independent and lives alone and drives and all that still, but I know the time will come when she cannot care for herself and there is just me (my brother is in prison).
I can't even begin to explain her, it would entail writing a novel... but to summarize she creates drama where there is none, starts big fights, then retreats and tells the world how we, her family, treat her horribly and don't' care about her at all and reject her. "We" being my spouse and kids. She goes out of her way to misinterpret something and turns molehills into mountains at every turn.
She tells everyone else how awful we treat her and she posts things on her Facebook page all the time to air out the "dirty laundry", and constantly compares me to other females (family and family friends) who supposedly "treat her better" than her own flesh and blood.
I honestly think that the biggest problem in our "relationship" is that after age 20 (I am 41), after I had my first child, I stopped being a doormat and stopped being submissive and started telling her "no" or standing up for myself. She has never accepted having an adult daughter.
Just today, in her all-caps "screaming" at me, she said pretty much the same thing. She said that we should have a relationship like we did when I was younger and that *I* am somehow "afraid" of that. Um.. what?
For the longest time I just ignored her. She tells everyone that I neglect her, have abandoned her, don't love her, blah blah but she had my uncle and my Grandma around. Now, my Grandma is dead (my mother cared for her for her last 8 years of life), and she had a falling out with her brother (my Uncle) about my Grandma's death so he hasn't been around either, and she is alone and she uses that to guilt me into agreeing to getting together. Then it turns into this whole awful thing every time.
Guess I just needed to vent about it a bit.
Your mother and mine are like identical twins, only my mother is 2 years older. Same exact things you said your mother does, mine does. I've started calling her on her sh*t and its improved slightly. Lay down ground rules, you have to. Limit conversations to positive things and avoid letting her manipulate you or try to make you feel guilty. There's a great book for daughters of narcissistic mothers called "Will I ever be good enough?". I'm a guy and I read it. Its not as good for men to read, but it did help me figure a lot out. I think it would be perfect for you.
Your mother and mine are like identical twins, only my mother is 2 years older. Same exact things you said your mother does, mine does. I've started calling her on her sh*t and its improved slightly. Lay down ground rules, you have to. Limit conversations to positive things and avoid letting her manipulate you or try to make you feel guilty. There's a great book for daughters of narcissistic mothers called "Will I ever be good enough?". I'm a guy and I read it. Its not as good for men to read, but it did help me figure a lot out. I think it would be perfect for you.
Thanks. I will check the book out.
The thing is, we do call her on her BS. My oldest son as well (he is 20), because she pulls this stuff with him too and it doesn't matter, she is never ever ever wrong. He tells her flat out, "Grandma, I love you, but you push people away!" and he will tell her when she is being unreasonable and irrational and she just says he is "brainwashed" by me and cannot think for himself.
Many times it is literally something that can be dis-proven; she will say "I messaged you on such and such a day and time and you IGNORED ME!" Then we find out that she used an email from 3 years ago or tried to call my son's old phone number, and when this is pointed out to her as the reason she was not "answered", and that she is not being ignored, she will just go right on yelling and crying in the face of all evidence to the contrary.
If she can't win that round she'll bring up the time 2 Christmases ago that you supposedly shunned her or whatever and how all of this is so awful because she just wants her family around and how horrible it is to be so unwanted.
Most recently she popped a cork because she was not "formally" invited over for Christmas, even though she hasn't spend a single Christmas away from us ever. I was busy with finals, my son (the 20 year old) was communicating with her via text message. She asked him "Where does your mom want to have Christmas this year?" and he told her we wanted to do it here at our place. All good. Then a week later he texts her and asks her to bring her HDMI cable when she comes, she says ok. All still good.
Until Christmas EVE when she throws a fit because we never actually "invited" her to come! So she stayed home and pouted and that was the first Christmas ever without her around (and it was peaceful!)... but she told everyone how she ad to spend the day alone, etc.
This sort of nonsense, well, it is as if she is just looking for any excuse to pretend to be "slighted" so she can go into martyr mode.
I could go on, sorry. I am still ranty. I am still so disgusted from yesterday's drama. Of course it also included her planning on coming over (to bring Christmas gifts, she says, that she never got to give us due to the Christmas BS) then changing her mind, this time because we told her to come "on Sunday" but then we never gave her an exact time to arrive... so she claims to have sent texts and Facebook messages to 3 of us here in the house, trying to get an "exact time" from us (none of us got anything at all on the phone or online, until she declared she wasn't coming), and our "lack of response" made it clear to her that she was again not wanted here at all. Nevermind that an exact time was never eve necessary nor has it ever been. Told her we'd be here all day, come on over, what more do you want?! Ugh.
So more of that nonsense where we all know she didn't message us but that's her story and she is sticking to it because it lets her be the victim.
The thing is, we do call her on her BS. My oldest son as well (he is 20), because she pulls this stuff with him too and it doesn't matter, she is never ever ever wrong. He tells her flat out, "Grandma, I love you, but you push people away!" and he will tell her when she is being unreasonable and irrational and she just says he is "brainwashed" by me and cannot think for himself.
Many times it is literally something that can be dis-proven; she will say "I messaged you on such and such a day and time and you IGNORED ME!" Then we find out that she used an email from 3 years ago or tried to call my son's old phone number, and when this is pointed out to her as the reason she was not "answered", and that she is not being ignored, she will just go right on yelling and crying in the face of all evidence to the contrary.
If she can't win that round she'll bring up the time 2 Christmases ago that you supposedly shunned her or whatever and how all of this is so awful because she just wants her family around and how horrible it is to be so unwanted.
Most recently she popped a cork because she was not "formally" invited over for Christmas, even though she hasn't spend a single Christmas away from us ever. I was busy with finals, my son (the 20 year old) was communicating with her via text message. She asked him "Where does your mom want to have Christmas this year?" and he told her we wanted to do it here at our place. All good. Then a week later he texts her and asks her to bring her HDMI cable when she comes, she says ok. All still good.
Until Christmas EVE when she throws a fit because we never actually "invited" her to come! So she stayed home and pouted and that was the first Christmas ever without her around (and it was peaceful!)... but she told everyone how she ad to spend the day alone, etc.
This sort of nonsense, well, it is as if she is just looking for any excuse to pretend to be "slighted" so she can go into martyr mode.
I could go on, sorry. I am still ranty. I am still so disgusted from yesterday's drama. Of course it also included her planning on coming over (to bring Christmas gifts, she says, that she never got to give us due to the Christmas BS) then changing her mind, this time because we told her to come "on Sunday" but then we never gave her an exact time to arrive... so she claims to have sent texts and Facebook messages to 3 of us here in the house, trying to get an "exact time" from us (none of us got anything at all on the phone or online, until she declared she wasn't coming), and our "lack of response" made it clear to her that she was again not wanted here at all. Nevermind that an exact time was never eve necessary nor has it ever been. Told her we'd be here all day, come on over, what more do you want?! Ugh.
So more of that nonsense where we all know she didn't message us but that's her story and she is sticking to it because it lets her be the victim.
Sounds like she can't handle being treated as an equal family member. She must be treated like absolute royalty, and god help you if you fail to recognize her as the special, center-of-the-universe creature she thinks she is.
She knows you have a guilt button, and she will push it. She also knows any of your other weak spots and will kick them just to make you hurt if she doesn't get her way. That's what they do. You, being a decent, normal person, cannot fathom how a person can treat someone else this way because you have empathy. She does not. She is not reasonable, and she will not act like a reasonable person. No matter what you do, it will not be good enough for her. She will never be satisfied.
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