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Location: Central Bay Area, CA as of Jan 2010...but still a proud Texan from Houston!
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Quote:
Originally Posted by computerology
TVC15..
I have evolved. I have moved from being the peice of dirt homeless 17 year old that my narcissistic mother did everything to ensure that I could and would be into an investment banker doing well in live, written up in the paper on a variety of issues and living a good life. Not a "one percenter" life or anything but I am doing well.
My narcissistic mother still tries to throw sticks into the wheels of everything I do, from relationships to jobs to even something as stupid as getting a realtor to not want to return my calls because my mother found out I was dealing with him and made sure he thought that I was going to be just a time waster.
I'm still loathing. Still angry. Still royally P-SSED off that no matter what I do, completely independently of her, she has to wriggle her way in and try to fulfill the "image" of me that she clings to since before she met me that I was a hard done by kid she adopted (and therefore got to play the martyr) who was never going to amount to anything and she did yeoman's duty looking after me until she kicked me out at 16... and then permanently at 17... and then made sure I couldnt get youth supports from social services because she had to maintain her perfect public image but kept me homeless nonetheless - despite living two doors away and countless "reunion dinners" where I thought I was going to entertain what the "ground rules of me moving home" were but only being greeted with a hug and "it is so much better now that you don't live here anymore - nice to see you again"
Growing up with a narcissistic parent leaves deep, wounding, long lasting scars. The very realization that it was all for no real purpose hurts even more, and puts all the deep and shallow cuts into even more perspective because you realize that there was no rational thought nor explanation for doing so and that it was not only done intentionally, but with the whole scheme that it was just to kick up dust to watch the dust fly.
Like you say - we should stop it and evolve. We have. We are here at this realization that it's the end of the line. What about them? Should they perhaps not mentally, physically, and indirectly or directly sexually abuse their children and stop thinking only of themselves and their glass ego for a few short minutes and "evolve", and realize that they are now parents and it's time to grow the F up and start parenting???
Growing up in an abusive family with abusive parent’s leaves everyone with deep long lasting scars. Most never deal with the scars... just look around at all of the horrible human behavior on planet earth. All of the hatred and abuse.
BTW there is no way you are independent of your mother if she is still wriggling and influencing your life. Slam that door shut and don't look back. I don't have my mom wriggling or influencing my life because I am totally independent and have been for over 30 years. No way in hell would I allow her to wriggle in and affect my life negatively...those days are long gone and she is well aware of that boundary I established over 30 years ago.
There are ways to deal with it and evolve. What worked for me may not work for you but you must be the one to pick up the broken pieces of your heart/soul and heal yourself. As much as I would love to see my mother get her mental state of mind in a healthy place it is NEVER going to happen. I tried for 40 years to try and help that woman but nothing I did helped. They won't change unless they want to. It is out of my control and it is out of your control. The only control you have is over your life and your healing.
Everyone's journey is just that...their own. Believe me I went through deep sadness, anger, rage, etc...but I quickly grew sick of feeling those feelings. I wised up and took control of my life and found a healthy way to deal with those emotions and let that crap go. I learned many lessons coming from a family situation like mine. If you don't learn anything of value and you have not evolved from it then you have not yet found what it is that is going to help you. I value feeling good and positive not harboring hate, resentment or depression. Life is way too short to go around feeling that crappy. Screw that! I like living on the UP side not the DOWN side.
Until you can find peace within yourself for what they did to you...you will never move on and just be another bitter soul on the planet earth. Or end up just continuing the cycle of abuse with someone else. Your mom is continuing her cycle of abuse with you.
The day I stopped expecting my mom to be a better mother and put up a huge space between us was the day I started my process of healing.
I realized long ago that my mom does not have it in her to be a good mother...she does not have once ounce of it. I never had a good mother or father...but I took away many hard life lessons and created a successful life for myself and it took a lot of self discipline, hard work, soul searching and self reflection on my part.
Don't play the why can't you be a better parent game cause it's not going to happen unless they want it. And most don't have the capacity to be good parents so don't take it personally. What happened to me and you is not our fault but it is still our problem...I found my way of dealing with it and I hope you can find yours.
[quote=hiknapster;23111599]I've found over the years that narcissists have a pattern. They can be very nice when they want to be, to lure you into the web. Then when they have you firmly in place they strike. I have spent all of my 50 years trying to tolerate, ignore, then come back for more. It's a horrible vicious cycle. I at least now know it for what it is and distance myself a LOT.
I know what you are talking about, I'm 40 and just moved very far away from my parents in April and will never go back, nor let them know where I am. My younger sister was an angel, despite her drug use, 6 or 7 arrests, the list coud go on forever. I on the otherhand (scapegoat) was a straight A student, graduated early, #1 in my sports, went into the Air Force, was the 'perfectionist' of the family (and still am) yet could not do anything right. I got beat up on and blamed for whatever my sister did, even though I've never touched drugs nor had anything to do with her arrests. I despise this phenomenon, but do find it a little soothing that there is a psychological issue behind it, I know I wasn't doing something wrong in trying to do my best.
I have read alot about narcissism online, and yes, both of my parents were narcicists. I'm one of 4 kids, but I was the scapegoat, while the other 3 got everything. I've been kicked out of the family for the second time since I was 18, and this time I wont return for anœther agenda of theirs next time they want to play. I'm a better person for not only moving on, but being able to understand what happened. But its dangerous because I'm still learning. Because narcissism runs so deep in my family (more on mom's side than dad's), its all I know. Its a vulnerability because I understand that this is a root cause of many relationships/friendships/marriage that were all toxic. Now I just escape everything because I know what narcissim is and know what to look for. But atleast I'm strong enough to know what it is when I see it and to say no.
Spook, I'm really surprised one narcissist would marry another narcissist. I'm curious. Did your parents compete with each other to be the center of attention?
Spook, I'm really surprised one narcissist would marry another narcissist. I'm curious. Did your parents compete with each other to be the center of attention?
Mine did. They constantly fought with each other. They were married to each other for a little over 25 years or so. They've been divorced as long. My mother was a bit more timid than my father. She was more passive-aggressive. He was the leader, physically abusive to my mother and me. But they were both full-blown narcissists, they just had different was of operating.
The somatic and cerebral narcissists do pair up from time to time, with the somatic one typically being the female, and the cerebral one being the male.
Spook, I'm really surprised one narcissist would marry another narcissist. I'm curious. Did your parents compete with each other to be the center of attention?
They actually worked together as a common goal, using me as a scapegoat, keeping a perfect image, and both had a me me attitude.
But there were constant fights and power trips to get each other's way and very manipulative to get what they wanted from each other (or me)
The somatic and cerebral narcissists do pair up from time to time, with the somatic one typically being the female, and the cerebral one being the male.
Actually, the only person that labels people "somatic" and "cerebral" is a guy named Sam Vaknin. He claims to have a PhD have NPD. He's all over the net. The only degree he has is from a diploma mill, anything he ever wrote was actually self-published. A documentarian filmed him once and found he was a very sick individual and probably a psychopath but didn't have NPD. I ignore anything he writes and so do mental health experts.
Quote:
Originally Posted by spook617
They actually worked together as a common goal, using me as a scapegoat, keeping a perfect image, and both had a me me attitude.
But there were constant fights and power trips to get each other's way and very manipulative to get what they wanted from each other (or me)
That's the way it was at my house, too. They loved keeping up the perfect image and were pillars of the community. "What will the neighbors think?" Ultimately, they were so sick that they almost destroyed each other. Their divorce proceedings battled on for several years.
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