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Old 05-08-2012, 05:27 PM
 
Location: Purgatory
2,663 posts, read 4,684,046 times
Reputation: 3054

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- wife wants divorce and is making my life hell (I'll explain why in a sec)
- virtually no savings left
- my job is unbearable and I'm sick of being the "temp"
- no family or friends to turn to (not that I would leech)
- don't have the money to even move out down the street
- don't want to be homeless.
- no motivation left to carry on
- reason for wife wanting divorce: a meltdown I had last year due to some gender issues that I have been struggling with
- feel sick, tired, anxious and out of place every day
- can't afford a therapist
- drink to numb the pain as you couldn't cut the tension at home with a knife
- soon to be ex wife keeps bringing up what happened last year and is also very depressed (regardless of what happens between us, I am scared that she'll harm herself)
- guilt, lots of guilt.
- tired

I have enjoyed my time on this forum but will most likely not be sticking around, especially now that you all know my "secret". Talk about being born with a curse, which even if I wanted to, I cannot act on.

 
Old 05-08-2012, 05:41 PM
 
1,259 posts, read 1,509,287 times
Reputation: 2594
I'm sorry. I don't know about your other posts, but please hang in there. Depression is a b****. There are free mental therapy options available to you.

I'm thinking others will soon chime in with good advice. I haven't been through your exact scenarios, but I have struggled with severe bouts of depression in the recent past.

You can and will get past this part of your life.
 
Old 05-08-2012, 05:55 PM
 
Location: New Jersey
8,712 posts, read 10,315,213 times
Reputation: 7553
Quote:
Originally Posted by dragonborn View Post
- wife wants divorce and is making my life hell (I'll explain why in a sec)
- virtually no savings left
- my job is unbearable and I'm sick of being the "temp"
- no family or friends to turn to (not that I would leech)
- don't have the money to even move out down the street
- don't want to be homeless.
- no motivation left to carry on
- reason for wife wanting divorce: a meltdown I had last year due to some gender issues that I have been struggling with
- feel sick, tired, anxious and out of place every day
- can't afford a therapist
- drink to numb the pain as you couldn't cut the tension at home with a knife
- soon to be ex wife keeps bringing up what happened last year and is also very depressed (regardless of what happens between us, I am scared that she'll harm herself)
- guilt, lots of guilt.
- tired

I have enjoyed my time on this forum but will most likely not be sticking around, especially now that you all know my "secret". Talk about being born with a curse, which even if I wanted to, I cannot act on.

Sorry about your wife situation . It doesn't really sound like a good one to be in though. I don't know why you can't stock around. Nobody knows your secret, really, because we don't actually know you.
 
Old 05-08-2012, 06:19 PM
 
Location: Love, Epicenter
399 posts, read 523,130 times
Reputation: 385
Hey friend, stick around and talk to us about the things you want to talk about. You can also start a blog to write out how you're feeling but don't give up. we're here to talk if you want.

Quote:
Originally Posted by dragonborn View Post
- wife wants divorce and is making my life hell (I'll explain why in a sec)
- virtually no savings left
- my job is unbearable and I'm sick of being the "temp"
- no family or friends to turn to (not that I would leech)
- don't have the money to even move out down the street
- don't want to be homeless.
- no motivation left to carry on
- reason for wife wanting divorce: a meltdown I had last year due to some gender issues that I have been struggling with
- feel sick, tired, anxious and out of place every day
- can't afford a therapist
- drink to numb the pain as you couldn't cut the tension at home with a knife
- soon to be ex wife keeps bringing up what happened last year and is also very depressed (regardless of what happens between us, I am scared that she'll harm herself)
- guilt, lots of guilt.
- tired

I have enjoyed my time on this forum but will most likely not be sticking around, especially now that you all know my "secret". Talk about being born with a curse, which even if I wanted to, I cannot act on.
 
Old 05-08-2012, 06:22 PM
 
Location: Purgatory
2,663 posts, read 4,684,046 times
Reputation: 3054
Quote:
Originally Posted by Doll Eyes View Post
Sorry about your wife situation . It doesn't really sound like a good one to be in though. I don't know why you can't stock around. Nobody knows your secret, really, because we don't actually know you.
Born in the wrong body.

There, I said it.
 
Old 05-08-2012, 06:31 PM
 
Location: Nantahala National Forest, NC
27,091 posts, read 6,936,155 times
Reputation: 30347
Fighting to keep your "secret" will make YOU sick.
Plus all forum folks have some kind of secret or hidden identity!

Sorry about all your issues. Life is very hard at times...depression is hell. (I've had that since childhood).

Have you resolved the gender issues? That seems foremost to me...

There IS free mental health care just about everywhere, as was mentioned already...for you AND your wife.

Can she move out to family/friends? Being apart might lessen the tension enough so your other symptoms could decrease...

DO SOMETHING/ask for help....don't stay
in a miserable situation.

And best of luck










Quote:
Originally Posted by dragonborn View Post
- wife wants divorce and is making my life hell (I'll explain why in a sec)
- virtually no savings left
- my job is unbearable and I'm sick of being the "temp"
- no family or friends to turn to (not that I would leech)
- don't have the money to even move out down the street
- don't want to be homeless.
- no motivation left to carry on
- reason for wife wanting divorce: a meltdown I had last year due to some gender issues that I have been struggling with
- feel sick, tired, anxious and out of place every day
- can't afford a therapist
- drink to numb the pain as you couldn't cut the tension at home with a knife
- soon to be ex wife keeps bringing up what happened last year and is also very depressed (regardless of what happens between us, I am scared that she'll harm herself)
- guilt, lots of guilt.
- tired

I have enjoyed my time on this forum but will most likely not be sticking around, especially now that you all know my "secret". Talk about being born with a curse, which even if I wanted to, I cannot act on.
 
Old 05-08-2012, 06:32 PM
 
Location: New Jersey
8,712 posts, read 10,315,213 times
Reputation: 7553
Quote:
Originally Posted by dragonborn View Post
Born in the wrong body.

There, I said it.

Well we still don't know you personally or anything. So it's not that big a deal. I just read a question where a person was asking where can they relocate to b/c they are transgendered. Also, Prinie had a good suggestion you should start a blog on here, there's an option for that.
 
Old 05-08-2012, 06:45 PM
 
Location: Purgatory
2,663 posts, read 4,684,046 times
Reputation: 3054
Quote:
Originally Posted by Doll Eyes View Post
Well we still don't know you personally or anything. So it's not that big a deal. I just read a question where a person was asking where can they relocate to b/c they are transgendered. Also, Prinie had a good suggestion you should start a blog on here, there's an option for that.
Now you know me more than pretty much anyone else....

But I don't want to be a "freak" or someone people tell their kids to avoid. I don't want to dress up or attract attention to myself as I have enough anxiety going on as it is. I've known this for as long as I can remember and have tried to bury this curse. I have to get by, passing it off as a mental illness. Unfortunately, it's got to the stage where "she" wants to take over, but I cannot allow that. I came out last year and my wife is still practically suicidal over it. I thought that by being with a woman, it would go away, but the opposite turned out to be true and I'll go to hell for it. I've always known it though, since I was 7 years old and preferred dolls and sewing to action man and transformers. No one can truly understand this hell. I don't want to be a "trannie" or engage in cross dressing. Society frowns on that and that wasn't the body I was born into. Just......NO.
 
Old 05-08-2012, 06:59 PM
 
Location: Beautiful hills
248 posts, read 412,602 times
Reputation: 506
So, you have a secret. Who doesn't?
Want to talk about it? Let's talk.
Don't want to talk about? Fine too. It's up to you.
Therapy wold be great for both, you and your wife. Sometimes it does take a third party to point out things that need to be worked on (regardless of where your relationship is at this point).
I understand you can't afford a therapist. So this place is your next best thing. Most of us are not therapists or shrinks, but we have some clever thoughts and lots of compassion, and it sounds as if you can really use some compassion and empathy at this point.

What would make you feel just a little bit better emotionally? (alcohol doesn't count, it's a temporary relief, but is actually a depressant, in case you didn't know).
Obviously, there is a load of problems you are dealing with and they cannot be all resolved overnight. My approach in such situations: baby steps. Is your relationship with your wife over? Would you fells better if you moved out? Yes, you can't afford an apartment, but how about a room for now? Be someone's roommate or find a rooming house, where you can rent a room and pay weekly.
Break up your pile of problems into smaller parts and deal with each a little at a time. I read that you don't like your job, but keep it at least for a little while and look for a better one.

And I'll say something else, you may not like it, but I feel my European upbringing and lots of experience dealing with bunch of drunks in my life entitles me to say: stop drinking. Not only will you not get out of depression while drinking, because, as I pointed out already, alcohol IS a depressant, but it is also a money drainer, a huge demotivator and a big health risk.

Worried about your secret? Do you know any of the posters here personally? I don't. You are anonymous. Use it to your advantage.
Change your nickname of you have to. Whatever helps.
But trust me on this: this too shall pass. Read it again slowly and start repeating like a mantra - this too shall pass...

I will not go into details, let's just say I can relate to some of your problems. And I know it feels like the end of the world right now, but it is the higher power that pushes you in the right direction, in the direction of being yourself. You may have had easier ways to deal with this earlier in your life, but maybe you weren't brave enough (I know I wasn't when I was younger), so a lot accumulated, things piled up and now you have yourself a knot that can't be easily untied anymore, it can only be cut with a sword. Been there, done that. This is the price we pay for trying to fit into a country/society/religion/family (pick one or all) that is very judgmental. At the end one gets so depressed, the suicidal thoughts become norm. Ask me how I know
This is the time when you have to decide: "get busy living or get busy dying" ("Shawshank Redemption", one of my favorite movies).
I've chosen living. I knew the consequences of "cutting the knot" would be horrendous, but I just couldn't live my old life anymore, I couldn't pretend everything was fine, so I had to make some changes. And death, I've decided, wasn't an option. That would've been too convenient for some ugly people from my past. So initially, I went on just to p*** them off . The inner strength I never suspected I had in me, showed up out of nowhere. So find a motivator and the rest will sort itself out.
Was is hard? Was it painful? Did some people simply disappeared from my life? Yes, yes and yes.
But you know what I told myself? The people who truly love me will love me anyway, and the ones who didn't never will, no matter what I do to please them. I was right. I am sad to report that I most did not pass "true" friend test, but the ones that did I've been friends with for over a decade and nothing changed in our friendships, they were there for me when I needed them, and later in life, I was there for them when they needed my help. Was it a happy ending? Hardly. Some "things" that I've lost, I will never be able to get back. And yes, there is still some guilt even after all these years.
But do I regret my decision to turn my life upside down? No. I've been through a lot of emotional pain because of that, but I am a happier much more content person today. If I left everything as is, I doubt I've made another year.
I wish I was less naive about how cruel some people in my life turn out to be, and how different society looks from the "other" side but that's semantics .
I am better and much stronger person today than I was then. My emotional wounds have healed. Time IS the best doctor/medicine.

If you want my advise: get busy living.

I wish you all the best and I send you love.
 
Old 05-08-2012, 07:09 PM
 
Location: Love, Epicenter
399 posts, read 523,130 times
Reputation: 385
What do you want to do, dragonborn? You don't want to come out any more than you already have because of shame and because of societal pressure and it is tough. But you're at a crucial part of your life: the decision making phase. You're always welcome to talk on here and use here as therapy as I know therapists are very expensive. I imagine there are many many other forums outside of C-D with people who are coping with this.

I wish I had more information to give you but I don't know many people who have changed genders or felt that they were born in the wrong body.


Quote:
Originally Posted by dragonborn View Post
Now you know me more than pretty much anyone else....

But I don't want to be a "freak" or someone people tell their kids to avoid. I don't want to dress up or attract attention to myself as I have enough anxiety going on as it is. I've known this for as long as I can remember and have tried to bury this curse. I have to get by, passing it off as a mental illness. Unfortunately, it's got to the stage where "she" wants to take over, but I cannot allow that. I came out last year and my wife is still practically suicidal over it. I thought that by being with a woman, it would go away, but the opposite turned out to be true and I'll go to hell for it. I've always known it though, since I was 7 years old and preferred dolls and sewing to action man and transformers. No one can truly understand this hell. I don't want to be a "trannie" or engage in cross dressing. Society frowns on that and that wasn't the body I was born into. Just......NO.
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