Am I being unreasonable about my addiction? (dysfunctional, meeting, wife)
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Cool your jets, please. You are castigating people for not reading every post in the thread, and then you did the very same thing. If you read further, you will see the OP and I discussed it more, I noted how if this thing dredges up so much stuff it's probably a sign of bigger issues, etc.
My jets just aren't going to get cooled until this darn packing is done. You are right and I apologize. I snapped when it was not called for.
This thread has dredged up some really hurtful events in my own life from having my mother cease all contact with me and her grandsons because I made a request to not have my abuser visiting her when I came to visit. Then when I tried to re-establish some kind of a relationship after a few years, she referred to my sister as "my daughter" - and I was chopped liver. My sister and I have no communication since HER mother died and it's not for lack of my trying. So I stopped. But it still hurts.
If you left your cell phone somewhere, and your parents were driving within five minutes of where it was, would it make more sense to have them stop and get it, or to have it shipped to you?
What upset me was not that it's "impossible" to get my Kindle - it's far from impossible, though I do prefer not to have it shipped, considering the last time I had a Kindle shipped to my house I found it balanced on the top of my mailbox in a driving rain and winds of 30 mph.
What upset me was that I was reminded once again of just how self centered and weird my parents are. I am usually a pretty good sport about it but have you ever heard of "the tipping point?" I had happened to reach mine yesterday.
Haven't your parents ever infuriated you with their very predictable behaviors?
I can't go anywhere without my Kindle either....
Just for your own sanity:
Nutty people act nutty.
Expecting anything different is just going to be bad for you.
We can't choose our relatives, we just have to do the best we can with the ones we got.
Sometimes in life we know people that we simply cannot rely on. It is even more hurtful when it happens to be family. Just chalk it up to lesson learned, and if they ever ask you for a favor you know the answer.
2. My parents are 70 and 72. They drive to any place THEY want to go, any way they want to get there - for example, recent road trips have been to Virginia and New Orleans (24 hours and 7 hours respectively). They are fit and trim and very active. Between the two of them, they've been in one fender bender (not on an interstate) in their entire lives - and no one was hurt. I don't understand this sudden aversion to driving twenty minutes on an interstate. It took me completely by surprise.
3. The route they would need to take to pick up that Kindle is a) at least thirty minutes shorter than the route they usually take, and b) requires only 20 minutes on the interstate. Not hours. Twenty minutes. From people who regularly - REGULARLY - take long road trips.
4. My husband works out of town and is gone for weeks at a time. I do read a lot. I read books on my Kindle every day, and every night. I am going to be in airports all day long Saturday. I am not planning - and never planned - to read WHILE visiting with grandkids or parents instead of spending time with them. I thought that was pretty clear in my posts.
I'm not actually addicted to it - I just really enjoy it. Think about something you use every day- maybe your cell phone - or I don't know - your coffee maker. Suppose you had gone without it (and of course we all can) for about four days, and you realized that an immediate family member was going to be driving FIVE MINUTES from where it was. Would the idea occur to you to just ASK them if they would consider picking it up for you? I mean, that seems like a logical possibility to me.
I never would have even asked them if I knew that they simply won't get on the interstate. Of course I wouldn't have asked them had I known that. I would have saved all of us from a very frustrating conversation.
You have to know my parents, I guess. They can and always have justified the most preposterous decisions made in their own favor, over the years. Honestly, I don't know why anything they say surprises me anymore.
It all seems logical, except your reaction to their No. Then it goes all awry. You need to examine the reason for you deep resentments of your folks, maybe address it and attempt to resolve it w/ them....before it is too late.
Last edited by JanND; 08-08-2012 at 06:51 PM..
Reason: wording
It all seems logical, except your reaction to their No. Then it goes all awry. You need to examine the reason for you deep resentments of your folks, maybe address it and attempt to resolve it w/ them....before it is too late.
Jan, I don't know if you're not reading the rest of her posts or if your interpretation is off, but I think Kathryn has a very good idea of why she feels the way she does for her parents. I think a key thing to remember is that she loves them...and has taken great strides to understand them and their relationship to her AND her brothers.
Her reaction is actually normal. I don't think you can reach any particular age and still not have it sting (at times) when they do what they do. She sounds extraordinarily well rounded...she does desire to have them in her life and she does know their limitations. Why does everyone feel the need to point out the fact that "they won't be around forever"....or..."before it's too late."
Gosh, really? I wonder if Kathryn knows her parents might die someday...hmmm...mystery. They're not old and decrepit. They are smart grown ups who've acted independently their whole lives. They ARE responsible for their actions...and if on occasion, they act poorly (and they did, IMO)...it's not abnormal to have it sting. Deep resentment? No, I think she has a handle on her "issues"...
Gosh, really? I wonder if Kathryn knows her parents might die someday...hmmm...mystery. They're not old and decrepit. They are smart grown ups who've acted independently their whole lives. They ARE responsible for their actions...and if on occasion, they act poorly (and they did, IMO)...it's not abnormal to have it sting. Deep resentment? No, I think she has a handle on her "issues"...
Well said ShellNic. Any of us can die at any time. Kathryn and her family had carbon monoxide poisioning. Her husband nearly died after surgery recently. Did any of those brushes with death make her parents realize life's short and reflect upon their behavior and treat her better? Doesn't appear so from what she's described.
Her parents are 70/72. It's not unusual these days for people, even with health problems to live into their 80s/90s. She may be in for another decade or so of this. That's why I suggested figuring out what she's willing to do without resentment and set firm, well enforced boundaries on the rest of it. If either live into their 90s, she'll be in her 70s herself by the time caregiving is done. That's why I think it's important for her and her husband and kids/grandkids to enjoy themselves and that she not sacrifice her happiness/wellbeing for people who won't appreciate it anyway.
Some parents use this fear that there may not be much more time left as license to treat their adult children like crap. Yes, life is short. It's also too short to be treated like crap by people because you share DNA. Some people choose limited contact, some people choose no contact and some are pretty much chewed up, ground up and spit out by caregiving for parents who treat them like crap.
I'm not against caregiving. There are members of my family I would gladly help because they're good people and treat people decently. I even gave it a shot with one of the toxic family members when she had surgery. What I learned from that is people who treat you like crap are even worse when they're dealing with pain & fear. It's also been my experience people who are decent and kind manage to mostly stay that way, even when they're dealing with pain, fear and imminent death.
There are a couple of cliches which cover this:
1) you reap what you sow
2) actions have consequences
Illness/old age/infirmity/injury don't automatically turn anyone into a saint. And if someone was nasty before any of those when they had their health, you can pretty much guarantee it'll be hellish to try to care for them.
When it came to the toxic family member, I had some trepidation about it. But people convinced me with stupid cliches about how she'd probably changed and was a better person because of dealing with a life threatening illness. And I'd regret it if she died and I hadn't gone to help her after her surgery. Let's just say, the better person part was NOT the case at all.
KathrynAragon...I think the best way to deal with the frustration that you feel when your parents refuse to be helpful towards you (even when there's no reason for them not to) is to just flat out not ask them for any help....of any kind...it's waaay easier on the mind, and there are no expectations, and no hopes that go unmet...it's kinda sad really, but such is life...I prefer it "smooth" and without complications....thus if I want something done, I'll do it myself...even IF it would be much more conveniant and easier for someone else.....I prefer my peace of mind.
Well said ShellNic. Any of us can die at any time. Kathryn and her family had carbon monoxide poisioning. Her husband nearly died after surgery recently. Did any of those brushes with death make her parents realize life's short and reflect upon their behavior and treat her better? Doesn't appear so from what she's described.
Her parents are 70/72. It's not unusual these days for people, even with health problems to live into their 80s/90s. She may be in for another decade or so of this. That's why I suggested figuring out what she's willing to do without resentment and set firm, well enforced boundaries on the rest of it. If either live into their 90s, she'll be in her 70s herself by the time caregiving is done. That's why I think it's important for her and her husband and kids/grandkids to enjoy themselves and that she not sacrifice her happiness/wellbeing for people who won't appreciate it anyway.
Some parents use this fear that there may not be much more time left as license to treat their adult children like crap. Yes, life is short. It's also too short to be treated like crap by people because you share DNA. Some people choose limited contact, some people choose no contact and some are pretty much chewed up, ground up and spit out by caregiving for parents who treat them like crap.
I'm not against caregiving. There are members of my family I would gladly help because they're good people and treat people decently. I even gave it a shot with one of the toxic family members when she had surgery. What I learned from that is people who treat you like crap are even worse when they're dealing with pain & fear. It's also been my experience people who are decent and kind manage to mostly stay that way, even when they're dealing with pain, fear and imminent death.
There are a couple of cliches which cover this:
1) you reap what you sow
2) actions have consequences
Illness/old age/infirmity/injury don't automatically turn anyone into a saint. And if someone was nasty before any of those when they had their health, you can pretty much guarantee it'll be hellish to try to care for them.
When it came to the toxic family member, I had some trepidation about it. But people convinced me with stupid cliches about how she'd probably changed and was a better person because of dealing with a life threatening illness. And I'd regret it if she died and I hadn't gone to help her after her surgery. Let's just say, the better person part was NOT the case at all.
Thanks...and thanks for this post as well...
When my sister had to have an emergency hysterectomy, my parents and sister (in different states) called me and "asked" me to look in on her in the hospital. I hadn't spoken to her in years. I told them I'm hesitating b/c not only will she not remember me doing this thing for her but in a very short period of time, she will be her nasty self.
I went to the hospital though...held her hand, fed her cats, looked in on her business, brought her little things from the store that I knew she'd like and listened to her recount every scary detail of her experience (about 20 times, in fact). When she came home, I brought her dinner, got her groceries and delivered them to her.
Within two months, I became a "stark raving beotch" and "selfish" and what else did she call me? Oh yea, I was a MF (yes, what you think) which she called me at work to tell me so that I wouldn't come over to her house and spend the last night of our other sister's visit in town...yep, some people DO NOT CHANGE.
I particularly want those people who think they can guilt you into whatever they say because they think "it's the right thing to do"...well, I invite you to take care of my sister the next time she is ill. Oh, and by the way, not once did she come to the hospital when I had cancer. No, people do not change.
Here is the issue: You perceive your parents' existence as frivolous. From what you have written, nothing they do seems to be justifiable. It's all frivolous.
I fail to see a reason why, at 50 years old, you can't reason your way through this. It sounds as if you ONLY want the Kindle back if it comes back to you at the time, and via the method, that you want. And that's where you are way off track. Either drive and get the goddamn thing yourself, or send them a box with $30, including a ziploc bag and some bubble wrap for the Kindle, and have them send it back. Or wait until you meet them later. Don't expect your parents to go get it for you. They are in their 70s. It's not their job to do favors for people anymore, and to be honest, it sounds as if they aren't willing to do any for you in the first place.
In the meantime, you're traveling through an airport. Half the stores in airports sell friggin books. Buy some. Or get the mobile app. Or buy a $79 inexpensive backup Kindle. This is hardly a crisis.
Yet another person who thinks the issue is the Kindle.
And how you jump to some sort of conclusion that I think my parents' existence is FRIVOLOUS is beyond me. I only MOVED across two states n order to help my mother when she had a stroke. For years, I took all my sick leave each year to be able to help them - if I got sick, I just had to use my vacation time to cover it.
Hardly the actions of someone who thinks her parents' existence is frivolous.
Jan, I don't know if you're not reading the rest of her posts or if your interpretation is off, but I think Kathryn has a very good idea of why she feels the way she does for her parents. I think a key thing to remember is that she loves them...and has taken great strides to understand them and their relationship to her AND her brothers.
Her reaction is actually normal. I don't think you can reach any particular age and still not have it sting (at times) when they do what they do. She sounds extraordinarily well rounded...she does desire to have them in her life and she does know their limitations. Why does everyone feel the need to point out the fact that "they won't be around forever"....or..."before it's too late."
Gosh, really? I wonder if Kathryn knows her parents might die someday...hmmm...mystery. They're not old and decrepit. They are smart grown ups who've acted independently their whole lives. They ARE responsible for their actions...and if on occasion, they act poorly (and they did, IMO)...it's not abnormal to have it sting. Deep resentment? No, I think she has a handle on her "issues"...
'
Well, thank you.
My parents came for their visit. And no, they didn't pick up the Kindle. And I didn't mention interstate highways. We did exactly what they wanted to do for two days, and I made a concerted effort to be very pleasant and sweet with them, and they did the same with me, and it was a good visit. I even baked something to show my mom a new recipe and gave them half of it, and they seemed to have a good time. I know I did.
I just have to vent and then let these things go. And no, I don't have my Kindle for my trip, and no, I'm not going to go get it - I'll do without it and get it from my daughter later.
I do think my reaction would have been considered extreme, IF it had been simply about a Kindle. But I knew when I HAD the reaction that it wasn't about the Kindle.
I love my parents but as many said here, I get into trouble when I start expecting or anticipating them to be nurturing. That's where I always mess up - and it always hurts IF I expect it. When I am able to remind myself not to expect it, then I'm not disappointed when it doesn't happen.
And then sometimes, we actually have a really good time together - like the past two days. We DID only do what they wanted to do - but what they wanted to do wasn't so bad, so it was actually nice to be around them.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
