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Let's say your sister has one of the strongest work ethics and integrity you can imagine, and saves and does all the "right" things people should do, like be frugal and save for a rainy day. Yet due to her lack of education she is stuck in low paying jobs all her life. You make $1 million a year and are worth $20 million. She doesn't ask you for help but would you take the initiative to help her and if so what would you do?
You obviously didn't bother reading my last paragraph, the first sentence of which reads, So if my sister had come to me after doing her damnedest and said "CPG, I need a loan of a couple of thousand dollars," I would have scribbled out the check in a heartbeat.
But that's not my sister, who has an MBA and good social skills. But she's never had a dime in her life that she didn't blow on some frippery.
My sister sounds just like yours.
She never had a cent she didn't need to rush out and spend.
Plus,plus,plus.
However when she needed a loan I stepped up and gave her a mortgage.
I have a few sisters who are extremely wealthy. The only thing I ask from them is advice. It's usually very good advice too. We are doing okay, but we went through a rough patch when we were both laid off during the financial meltdown of 2008. Luckily, we had a rainy-day fund saved up, so we were okay.
I think my sisters would have helped if I had asked, but I didn't want to. It would have been a strain on the relationship. That would have given them the right to judge all of my expenditures. It would have changed the nature of our relationship. And, yes, I'll admit it, it would have hurt my pride. But I think in cases like this, pride is a GOOD thing. It makes you focus on what needs to get done. It pushed us to get back on our feet with no help from anyone.
I really respect and relate to this post and just wanted to say we need more people in this world with that sort of viewpoint. I think the entitlement generation has totally lost pride in themselves and self achievement has become to hard for them. Sadly I see more and more entitlement leaches and less and less people prepared to be responsible for their decisions and who have the will and ability to get back up after a setback and work their way out of it. I truly despair for the future of our society worldwide if this entitlement, feed me, feed me mindset isn't brought under control.
Thanks for giving me a little bit of hope that the world may get their act together someday.
OP I completely feel you. I have family that expects me to help out. They are hard workers, but that doesn't mean they are wise with their money and they are always on the verge of having something shut off. When I help out they typically blow money on something else and get right back in the same situation. I've come to believe that they are most comfortable in this state, as mind boggling as it may seem.
I struggle with it and very rarely give cash (they just expect more). Instead I try to help out with groceries but it is never enough and it has really spoiled our relationship. Despite how much I've helped in the past they call me snobby, greedy or cheap when my check book isn't open. They even expect me to buy them $200-300 gifts, co sign for loans, and even a house which is comical because we are not rich.
It's very hurtful and I do feel a lot of guilt for being successful, but I also know that no matter how much I help it will never be enough. I recently stopped helping and feel like a horrible person, they've gotten very nasty, but I can't continue to support them when I should be putting money away for retirement or our child's college.
Good luck with your situation, just understand that no matter how much you give it will never be enough and will sour your relationship.
I help out my sister, but sometimes I feel like she is taking advantage. I have a really good job where I make good money and in September it will be five years since I started there. In the four and a half years I've worked at this place she has constantly been asking me for money that I will never see again. I felt bad for her at first, but lately I've just felt irritated because she keeps herself in the same situation. There are no jobs at all in her area, and she doesn't drive so she isn't helping herself.
Five years ago in March, I was kind of in the same situation but I got sick of it. So I decided to move to the city. It was hard finding work at first, I worked at Tim Hortons for a few months and even a call center for a week, but eventually I found the job I am at now and it was the best decision I made. I made that decision at 22. She's 29 and she is still in the same exact situation she was in when we were in our early 20s. She does baby-sit a lot of peoples kids, but she is a single mom (the reason I help her out) so baby-sitting just doesn't bring in enough income for her and her kid. She needs something secure with more money. I have her on my phone plan, and she only has to send me $40 a month. That's it. I take care of the rest of the expense. She has only sent me the $40 once she she is supposed to, and that was last October. I put her on my plan last May. So it's almost been a year, and I've gotten money from her once.
She has been borrowing money from me long before her child was born. And yet, she manages to drink almost every weekend and she smokes. So how is she getting the money for alcohol and smokes, but she can't pay her end of the bill, or any other bills? Not only am I paying the whole phone bill but she often needs money for other things as well. I've kept track of how much money I've sent her over the last four and a half years. It is almost $5000 now. It's frustrating.
I just wish she would get herself into a better situation. My mother was a single mother too because my dad died when I was little. She always managed to have a job and she rarely borrowed money. She made sure to live in an area that had jobs. If it didn't have jobs, we moved.
I have been shocked at the arrogance of some of these posts about wealthy people helping their families financially. The majority of posters are assuming the poor family member is poor because of any combination of - irresponsible, lazy, mooching, bad choices, wasteful, uneducated etc etc etc. how freaking judgemental and pompous. Oh yes the rich are all rich because they worked harder, we're more deserving, made good choices etc etc and now feel they have the right to be "better" than the poorer family members. Without a doubt people do make bad choices are lazy and irresponsible, have a sense of entitlement. But that is NOT always the case. My sister is a multimillionaire, I am poor. I have two college diploma's. My husband worked just as hard as hers did. Never missed a days work and took overtime whenever he could. She never had to work at all till she wanted to when the kids were all older. Her husband was a very smart business man and did very well for himself. Then a year after retiring, with dreams of travel and enjoyment, he died of a brain tumor. Now she is into double digits in the millions after his death. I lost my husband a couple years before hers to cancer and was left to finish raising our daughter alone. I have no desire to go out and spend money on clothes, trips, jewelry, etc. I would just like to find a job I can pay my basic living expenses with the occasional pizza night or something. I can't find one. She has helped me before and I was very grateful for it, and no I don't expect her to support me. But she does have some of the attitude shown here that the rich are rich because they made better choices and are more deserving, and everything is in your control in life to be successful or not. That is simply not true. I would love for some of these folks to lose a job because of something outside their control. Business collapse, stock market dies whatever, and find out what it feels like to not know how your going to eat and pay rent this month. I will never be rich because I can not make my brain think that way. If I had money my kids would have a paid education and a warm bed to sleep in period. Poverty doesn't breed character, it beats you down. She drives a car that would pay for a house, travels the world, two huge homes and I am poor because of my own choices????? My sister-in-law had three boys with my brother. He tragically died at 42, leaving her insurance rich, she hasn't work one day since he died. Is she more worthy of having a roof over her head than I am, who has worked since I was 14 yrs old???? Sorry, I don't think so. But you can't take it with you, no matter what so in the end the kids will get the millions and do with it as they please and she has no control over what they buy. When I die I want to remember the love, not the cars, jewelry, and mansions. My kids know that I would give them my last dime and not think twice about it. They would never ask, but then again they would never have to ask.
The sense of entitlement from family members lower on the income scale is, I think, somewhat grating. It takes away all the pleasure of helping. If I were a lower-income family member, however, I sure wouldn't expect any richer family member to "supplement" my income. I always told my husband that if we ever won a large lottery jackpot, I'd set up a trust, with each of the seven family units in our family a beneficiary. That way, no one would ever be sticking their nose up at Christmas if the present wasn't as expensive as they thought it should be. Not that I think any of our family members would do that -- but money does weird things to family dynamics.
I have been shocked at the arrogance of some of these posts about wealthy people helping their families financially. (snipped the post)
Ayla, first let me say that I'm sorry about the losses in your family. My heart goes out to you.
Getting to the overall gist of the thread, I think that we have a number of big hearted folks that would help out a family member in dire circumstances. I certainly would. We certainly aren't rich but could help out if need be.
Obligation to give a brother or sister regular funding? If I were filthy rich, honestly I probably would. I'm kinda wimpy and soft hearted to be quite honest, lol. Or I would pay for tuition, house repairs, groceries, etc. If my cash was going for something useful, I would probably do it. In your SIL's situation, I certainly would have helped out and from what you've said, she has.
Now if I had siblings who were totally irresponsible and would do foolish things with my money, I would have to think about it. This is what many people have said on this thread as well. Helping out with tuition, house repairs, mortgage is one thing. Funding them for stupid investments, frivolous purchases, etc---no way. Not even if I was Bill Gates rich would I do this.
No one is claiming that all poor folks are deserving of their fate due to poor choices, etc. Nor do all of us sit in our glass houses looking down at the miserable masses. I certainly don't. I know what it is like to be poor because we were poor for most of my youth. My husband and I were poor starting out in our careers. I am very emphatic, especially in today's job market.
My opinion on this is that it is better to help family members than send it to organizations that have a very high-paid community organizer reaping the benefits.
We are doing our best to no longer pay high salaries to professional fund raisers. If you send it directly to your relatives, they may get into good shape and will be able to help you out if your investments take a nose dive. Blood is thicker than water.
However, I think I'd have a problem with family members expecting to be helped. That doesn't sit right with me. This is a personal choice and helping today doesn't commit you to helping tomorrow. If I had the money, I think I'd set up a family trust that allowed members of the family to take only the income off of the trust until they retire. I would definitely do things like contribute to college funds for kids. There is a saying: Give a man a fish and he eats for a day. Teach him to fish and he eats for a lifetime. I would be inclined to do things that helped my relatives help themselves.
I'm struggling now with a daughter who expects us to help her because she's pregnant when she won't help herself unless she's backed into a corner. We made the mistake of letting her move back home and within a week she wasn't working anymore. When we tell her to get a job, she tells us no one will hire her because she's pregnant and that we're stressing her out and that's not good for the baby. Expecting others to bail you out of situations of your own making is wrong.
You do what you can live with. You do what you think your relatives deserve. Don't worry about what anyone else thinks. The fact they are expecting you to help them doesn't sit right with me as my daughter expecting me to help her doesn't sit right with me. They need to be doing everything they can to help themselves to be worthy of help. I don't know how I'm going to get my dd out of my house now that I let her come back . That was a HUGE mistake on my part. In doing so I committed to supporting her until she moves out...whenever that might be. Don't do anything that locks you in. You may find after you've offered help that your relatives are ungrateful and just expect more help as I have.
Last edited by Ivorytickler; 07-30-2014 at 09:18 AM..
I have been shocked at the arrogance of some of these posts about wealthy people helping their families financially. The majority of posters are assuming the poor family member is poor because of any combination of - irresponsible, lazy, mooching, bad choices, wasteful, uneducated etc etc etc. how freaking judgemental and pompous. Oh yes the rich are all rich because they worked harder, we're more deserving, made good choices etc etc and now feel they have the right to be "better" than the poorer family members. Without a doubt people do make bad choices are lazy and irresponsible, have a sense of entitlement. But that is NOT always the case. My sister is a multimillionaire, I am poor. I have two college diploma's. My husband worked just as hard as hers did. Never missed a days work and took overtime whenever he could. She never had to work at all till she wanted to when the kids were all older. Her husband was a very smart business man and did very well for himself. Then a year after retiring, with dreams of travel and enjoyment, he died of a brain tumor. Now she is into double digits in the millions after his death. I lost my husband a couple years before hers to cancer and was left to finish raising our daughter alone. I have no desire to go out and spend money on clothes, trips, jewelry, etc. I would just like to find a job I can pay my basic living expenses with the occasional pizza night or something. I can't find one. She has helped me before and I was very grateful for it, and no I don't expect her to support me. But she does have some of the attitude shown here that the rich are rich because they made better choices and are more deserving, and everything is in your control in life to be successful or not. That is simply not true. I would love for some of these folks to lose a job because of something outside their control. Business collapse, stock market dies whatever, and find out what it feels like to not know how your going to eat and pay rent this month. I will never be rich because I can not make my brain think that way. If I had money my kids would have a paid education and a warm bed to sleep in period. Poverty doesn't breed character, it beats you down. She drives a car that would pay for a house, travels the world, two huge homes and I am poor because of my own choices????? My sister-in-law had three boys with my brother. He tragically died at 42, leaving her insurance rich, she hasn't work one day since he died. Is she more worthy of having a roof over her head than I am, who has worked since I was 14 yrs old???? Sorry, I don't think so. But you can't take it with you, no matter what so in the end the kids will get the millions and do with it as they please and she has no control over what they buy. When I die I want to remember the love, not the cars, jewelry, and mansions. My kids know that I would give them my last dime and not think twice about it. They would never ask, but then again they would never have to ask.
Well, I'm sorry about your life situation, but you also misread some of these posts.
In my own life, I'll gladly help out a family member who is in a real jam. Done it before and I'll do it again. As in, don't worry about paying it back. That's because bad things happen to good people. What's more, there was a time early in my own life when I hit a rough patch. I hit my brother up for a sizable loan and I repaid it. It took me two years. Some months, I could only pay him $50 while others I could send him $300, but I paid him back. So I get helping out those who have run into problems through no fault of their own.
But that's not what we're talking about. There are indeed people whose life situations are the result of their own choices in life. I'm trying to figure out how this is really subject to dispute.
In a previous post, I hoisted my sister up as an example. She has an MBA but has never really wanted to work all that much. She's blown through every dime she's ever earned, not to mention a good bit of the equity in my mother's house. Why in God's name should I continue enabling her and her indolent lifestyle?
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The assumptions of the rich blow me away
