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I've never been wealthy, but I have helped family members in the past. Sometimes there were times when I wished I could have helped, but did not have the money to do so, and instead I helped them in other ways, like re-writing their poorly self-written resumes (one of them had a huge uptick in interest after that, and got interviews and jobs from it), sending them gift-cards for groceries or other necessities (supermarket, CVS, etc.), or having them over for home-cooked meals when all they could afford were frozen entrees from the dollar store.
But like Ayla, I learned that the people in my family who take neither return the favor if needed nor pay it forward when their circumstances improve.
And now that I'm doing well, they can kiss my arse.
I've never been wealthy, but I have helped family members in the past. Sometimes there were times when I wished I could have helped, but did not have the money to do so, and instead I helped them in other ways, like re-writing their poorly self-written resumes (one of them had a huge uptick in interest after that, and got interviews and jobs from it), sending them gift-cards for groceries or other necessities (supermarket, CVS, etc.), or having them over for home-cooked meals when all they could afford were frozen entrees from the dollar store.
But like Ayla, I learned that the people in my family who take neither return the favor if needed nor pay it forward when their circumstances improve.
And now that I'm doing well, they can kiss my arse.
See, I interpreted Ayla's post in a completely different way. As opposed to what she thinks, I think the majority on this thread are quite reasonable. In essence, they want to help people in their family, but they don't want to be used either.
To me, the best examples are what often happens to lottery winners. Upon getting their winnings, many get besieged by family members wanting something, some of whom they haven't heard from in years. And, in the case of many, the family members are never satisfied, no matter how much they're given.
"Give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day. Teach him to fish, he'll eat every day."
If I were vastly wealthier than my extended family, and they were struggling (for reasons other than their repeated stupid choices), I would be quite willing to help them out in ways that would benefit them long term: help them pay for education or job training, or start their own business, or buy them reliable transportation so they could get to a job, that kind of thing.
That's not to say I would never hand them cash for a short term situation, but I would prefer to help put them on the path to self sufficiency if possible.
Without knowing the specifics, would it be better to partner with the siblings and get them started on an entreprenuerial track? If they already work in a fast food place, and there are enough funds in your account, why not open a franchise? You could be the financial backer, and work out a loan repayment plan at a discounted interest, or no interest. They would be responsible for day to day operations?
If it were my money, I'd want to review the performance, but that's totally up to you. Either way, it's like Kayanne said, better to teach him/her to fish. If a restaurant is too much money, then what about a small cleaning business? Entrepreneur magazine lists the least expensive franchises every year. Something to consider.
If I were rich I would not support repeated bad choices and irresponsibility either. But as another posted, bad things do happen to good hard-working people. A good example is that my very wealthy sister has supported her youngest child since 18 and being in school ever since, not always full time school and lots of perks like new cars etc. paid down payment on a mortgage for a condo for her (very generous) then paid off the mortgage and her other two children's mortgages as well after hubby died and she proceeded to take the money and go live in Italy for a month or so. Had been getting a monthly income since age 18 because she was in school (no not on student loans) and at age 33 finally quit school and didn't tell her Mom so she could keep getting the checks. That is very irresponsible but to me not surprising. Do I think she should continue to support adult children just because she can? No way. But did she kind of create a monster by footing the bill for everything all along? Why would she not expect it to continue? Most 18 year olds don't drive 50k cars and own their own condos. So now she is cutting her off and their relationship sucks. Helping people we love when they truly are down on their luck and victims of circumstance and not irresponsibility is something "I" believe we should always do if we can. If they are worthy of the help they will use it responsibly and work very hard to never need it again. Or one can be of the mindset that all poor people are poor because of bad choices. That is the mindset that makes me angry.
My husband and I are doing quite well financially. We both make a very large income and have lots of money left over after we pay our bills. We also have been doing quite well with our investments. Getting great jobs and making lots of money was a combination of luck, good fortune based on some gambles, and committing ourselves to education and professional development.
My brothers and sisters (all are working class folks making less than $10 an hour) are not doing so well financially. All of them are hard workers and most of them work 2-3 jobs. They are always working but can't get their heads above water due to expenses in our inflationary times.
They think it is only fair that my husband and I send them money help them out on a regular basis because we hit the jackpot with our successful careers and good investment choices, and they didn't.
Do you help support less successful members of your family due to a very successful career and investments? Should you?
* Should someone like a Bill Gates (a Billionaire) see that his working class family all live well because he has more money than he can ever spend? (As long as they don't waste the money and continue to work full time)
** Sorry to report I am not Bill Gates but we are doing fine.
Be very wary of this. Help once in a while if they're hard up for it, but I think you'd be making a big mistake in consistently doing it. There is a growing sense of self-entitlement in people, even within families (some of the worst, actually) and you are not obligated to be their resource center at all times. They need to develop their own sense of resourcefulness and some dignity.
And, no, I do not and would not jump to aid of just anybody in the family. Between us we have more than our share of extended family members who lack common sense and have other issues and I would not contribute to it.
See, I interpreted Ayla's post in a completely different way. As opposed to what she thinks, I think the majority on this thread are quite reasonable. In essence, they want to help people in their family, but they don't want to be used either.
To me, the best examples are what often happens to lottery winners. Upon getting their winnings, many get besieged by family members wanting something, some of whom they haven't heard from in years. And, in the case of many, the family members are never satisfied, no matter how much they're given.
I didn't have time to read the whole thread in-depth, so I'm not responding to the whole thread, just the OP's question and Ayla's specific situation, as her post stood out when I skimmed the last few pages.
Set-up: I have a sibling who at one time in her life made cash off the books while getting welfare, food stamps, and child support while living with my parents rent-free. Throughout her life she has received a car as part of an inheritance, let another sibling buy her a brand-new car, accepted gifts of vacations, etc. She is also the type to deliberately try to get laid off or fired to collect unemployment, and will drag out unemployment benefits because "I wouldn't make much more than that if I worked, so why work?" Also turned down employer-paid training, and resisted learning how to use a computer because it's "boring," then pizzes and moans endlessly because she has never cracked $30K.
She then came into money, a very healthy six figures.
Story: Some time ago I went through a cash-crunch. Just a perfect storm where one client contact didn't forward the paperwork on a renewed work order in time to get into a payment cycle, another forgot to process a large invoice before she went on vacation, and another client (now dismissed) decided to give me a runaround on several thousand dollars that they owed me. And of course this happens when the taxes are due, right? So I asked for a short-term loan of $3,000, to be paid back with interest within three months, depending on how long it took me to wring the money from the slacking client. She initially agreed, given that this was less than 1% of what she came into. Note: I have never asked for anything like this from anyone in my family, ever.
Fast forward a few weeks. Suddenly, she changed her mind. You may or may not chuckle at this, CPG, but apparently freelancing means that I don't work. She said, "I would love to sleep until noon and not have anyone to answer to, and if that is the way you want to live your life, you should be prepared to suffer the consequences."
For the benefit of those who don't freelance, I'll explain that most freelancers work their arses off, and I am no exception. I get up around 8:00-8:30, flip on the phone and computer at 9:30. My official hours end at 6:00, but in reality, sometimes my days are so filled with interruptions, environmental noise (love the remodeling in the unit next door!), and phone work that I end up doing the actual writing at night when it's finally quiet. And dang straight, freelancers answer to someone: Their clients.
But wait, there's more! Suddenly it was a trip down False Memory Lane, with "you got more from Mom and Dad than I did, I never got a 10-speed bike, I never got a trip to Europe," way out in la-la land. (My parents gave me the bike because I never had a new one, after riding my sisters' old ones until I was 14, and the trip was 5 countries, 10 days, $1,200 in 1982, with money left to me by my grandfather--the same grandfather whose car she received on top of cash.)
Keep in mind that this woman is in her late 50s and 10 years older than I am. Apparently she has been carrying this inane sibling jealousy going back to when I was a kid and she was in her 20s. She wrecked her own life by drinking and screwing her way through high school (a private girls' academy, no less), but somehow, this means I should be punished because I studied, went to a decent school on scholarships, and have skills and experience that enable me to work for myself, and I just happened to get slammed when other people, through human fallibility and in one case smarminess, didn't live up to their end of an agreement.
Moral: Some people are givers and some people are takers, and takers tend to live in huge glass houses when it comes to returning a favor.
But as I said before, things are going well, and she may now kiss my arse.
I'd say help with education and/or obtaining additional skills to earn more money so that they have more money themselves. They'll appreciate this much more and will benefit from it a lot longer than just a one-time or once in awhile cash handout. Also, you can control the amount you give this way.
There is a difference in helping a family member out who lets say lost their job and helping someone who makes ongoing bad choices. One is helping and the other is enabling.
I don't have siblings but I have a very wealthy grandpa and I am an only grandchild though 36. Anyhow there has been times especially since I have a medical problem I could use some financial assistance but he does not help out. He really does not help out anyone who has asks him. He feels he made the money and even if someone is struggling they need to find a way to get themselves out.
I don't think there's one right way or one wrong way to handle this sort of situation. Each member of each family is different.
I wouldn't give a penny to ANYONE who wouldn't appreciate it, or who would expect me to give it to them just because I have it and they don't.
On the other hand, I am very generous with any family member who I know is appreciative and/or who has had a run of bad luck (as opposed to someone whose continued poor choices continue to complicate their lives - one scenario is a fluke of luck and the other is a lifestyle).
This is how I am. For example, I always help my sister and her children, because they don't ask for it and are appreciative. One Christmas, I sent my mother and sister on a cruise and watched her children so they could relax. My sister in law and mother in law asked where their cruise was. Meanwhile, both of them are mean to me and always slight my children. They had both been to Europe several times. I would never give anything to my sister in law, because she's just a screw up with entitlement issues. For example, when she learned to drive she was given a new car. She wrecked it like two years later and asked for another one. My husband is older and had to buy his own hoopdee. Also, my family is happy we're doing well. His family make it very clear they are bitter.
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Agreed
So I asked for a short-term loan of $3,000, to be paid back with interest within three months, depending on how long it took me to wring the money from the slacking client. She initially agreed, given that this was less than 1% of what she came into. Note: I have never asked for anything like this from anyone in my family, ever.
