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The OP is either intentionally obtuse and withholds pertinent information, or she's actually that scatterbrained and difficult to communicate with due to some sort of social deficiency - who knows? Either way though, it must be a nightmare to try to coordinate anything with her in real life. The story keeps changing, morphing, shifting - and we are getting pertinent, very pertinent, facts 30 plus pages into the saga. Imagine trying to have a genuine, mutual planning session or heart to heart talk with her in real life. (Head explodes.)
I originally felt more empathy for the OP, though I did think she was making too much out of the situation. I don't, after all, begrudge it when people talk out their feelings, even if the situation they're mulling over seems to be a minimal sort of thing. But after reading through these responses and noting the OP's odd way of presenting information (I'll leave it at that), I'm really beginning to feel very sorry for the step daughter. She can't possibly win this battle with her step mom - but she might win the war if and when her daddy decides to get involved.
I think your first paragraph is kinda harsh. It's easy to omit pertinent details in a rant then as others ask questions the omitted info doesn't need to be labeled suspicious. I think many of the responses about added info are rather harsh. A lot of posters get flamed for too many details and this OP for too few! The facts are known. The girl was running late, she mindlessly sat down in someone's spot and brought Taco Bell to eat instead of the family dinner. All those facts = rude. To say otherwise is disingenuous. IMHO
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Originally Posted by lottamoxie
Okay if I already had a plate with food at a spot at a table and someone/anyone came in and shoved my plate aside and took my seat, yes I would say something right then and there. "Hey <name of person>, that's my plate and I've been sitting there. There are seats though right over here...at the island, where you and <name of fiance> will have plenty of room. I'm sure you understand."
That might be considered rude by many, but then again if you don't speak up you don't have a chance. People are not mind readers, even when they should be.
I would think that is warranted but even if there wasn't a plate there, as a latecomer it is polite to ask if the seat is taken. But then again, a girl who brings her own bag of fast food to eat isn't polite.
While I don't agree with you, your post raises some interesting questions.
How does the Grandma feel? Considering that she cooked half of the meal including the offending ham, she should have been upset too, right?
I may not get the truth, but I thought I'd ask.
Yep. At this point, this thread is entertainment rather than a problem to be solved.
To be sure. Anything to make Taco Belle look bad and the OP look good.
I doubt Taco Belle could look worse but to say it make her look bad is a joke. She already looks bad. OP didn't do anything but make dinner and rant on an anonymous forum...
I think your first paragraph is kinda harsh. It's easy to omit pertinent details in a rant then as others ask questions the omitted info doesn't need to be labeled suspicious. I think many of the responses about added info are rather harsh. A lot of posters get flamed for too many details and this OP for too few! The facts are known. The girl was running late, she mindlessly sat down in someone's spot and brought Taco Bell to eat instead of the family dinner. All those facts = rude. To say otherwise is disingenuous. IMHO
I would think that is warranted but even if there wasn't a plate there, as a latecomer it is polite to ask if the seat is taken. But then again, a girl who brings her own bag of fast food to eat isn't polite.
Not sure why you are defending this woman when Stevie Wonder could see that she has it in for her daughter in law. Nothing that girl could have done would please the OP.
The OP is not being flamed for too few details, she's being flamed for (polite version) adding details a piece at a time (or, impolite version, possibly making it up as she goes along). There are still some questions that she has not answered, but she will call US insane (really??) for giving her an opinion that she originally asked for.
Pointing this out in the way that Kathryn did was not harsh.
So it's not that she brought her own food that is the issue, but what food she brought.
And what would be the excuse of she wasn't late? If she had gotten there on time, they would have still been short on chairs.
The family knew in advance she would be late. She probably had something else going on as this dinner was a last minute change.
No it wasn't a last minute change! (What thread are u on anyway?)
The time was the same, just delayed one day bc of severe weather. We postponed it one day, for the same time the 26th, so my inlaws wouldn't have to drive in inclement weather.
So, she actually had a whole extra day to plan & be there on time.
I would think everyone knows it's rude to go to a party (especially family gathering) with just a meal for yourself unless there is an established reason. Do you think fast food even remotely counts as food?
It may not be food that you like, but its still food. And there was an established reason. The step daughter knew there would be no food for her to eat, so instead of whining and complaining, she simply brought her own food.
I'm sure if she came without food, but didn't eat any of the food the OP would have been just as "dissed" and still complained about what a monster her step daughter is.
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There wouldn't have been an issue.The OP has expressed several times that there WASN'T a shortage of chairs! Everyone was seated. The girl swooped in and took a chair someone was already sitting in and with a bag of crap to boot!
I'm going by the OP's original posts, where she said there WAS a shortage of chairs. There were only enough chairs for everyone before the step daughter and finance arrived. And where the OP said the step daughter sat at an available chair.
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Bottom line is she was doubly rude to all present but especially the OP and Grandma who provided the meal.
Yet, no one else was offended. Only the OP, who already seems to have a grudge against this girl.
Not sure why you are defending this woman when Stevie Wonder could see that she has it in for her daughter in law. Nothing that girl could have done would please the OP.
The OP is not being flamed for too few details, she's being flamed for (polite version) adding details a piece at a time (or, impolite version, possibly making it up as she goes along). There are still some questions that she has not answered, but she will call US insane (really??) for giving her an opinion that she originally asked for.
Pointing this out in the way that Kathryn did was not harsh.
It's her Step Daughter that has never lived with her. Also, even if she had it in for her... what the SD did was rude and obnoxious. There's no denying that. And to attack the OP and conclude she "has it in for her" is ridiculous.
She asked if we were in a similar situation what we would do.
Did you bother to answer that question? Some people misunderstood from the beginning saying "get more chairs, have more seats, use the dining room" etc. right from the start. It was clear to me from the OP that there were enough seats. (and yes I did read the whole entire thread LOL) and it was also clear the the SD was rude and obnoxious.
If that was my SD (it wouldn't have happened, just saying) but I would not have reacted the way OP did. I would take her and her bag of "food" aside and tell her to take it to the car or throw it away. Saying "We are eating the dinner prepared by your grandmother and me. Oh and also, your seat is over THERE."
I would feel it is my duty as a mother to correct this behavior. Would she do that at her soon-to-be inlaws if they only served ham?
I think your first paragraph is kinda harsh. It's easy to omit pertinent details in a rant then as others ask questions the omitted info doesn't need to be labeled suspicious. I think many of the responses about added info are rather harsh. A lot of posters get flamed for too many details and this OP for too few! The facts are known. The girl was running late, she mindlessly sat down in someone's spot and brought Taco Bell to eat instead of the family dinner. All those facts = rude. To say otherwise is disingenuous. IMHO
Sorry - I don't think I'm being too harsh at all. The OP continues to leave out - and add - PERTINENT information that would make a significant difference in peoples' take on things. For instance, the story has grown from "she sat down in my place," to "she moved my plate that already had food on it out of the way and sat down in what was obviously someone else's seat." There's a huge difference in the two scenarios - sitting down in a place that seems empty, and sitting down in a place with someone else's half full plate already there and moving the plate.
So yeah - I think the OP is not a very clear communicator, at the least - which doesn't bode well for her when it comes to forging a good relationship with her socially inept stepdaughter.
By the way, I think your advice IS harsh:
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If that was my SD (it wouldn't have happened, just saying) but I would not have reacted the way OP did. I would take her and her bag of "food" aside and tell her to take it to the car or throw it away. Saying "We are eating the dinner prepared by your grandmother and me. Oh and also, your seat is over THERE."
I think it is the OP's responsibility as a hostess to treat all her guests with hospitality. Say it was someone else who showed up with a bag of Taco Bell - say it was her brother in law, or the step daughter's fiance. Do you think she should tell them to take the Taco Bell to the car or throw it away, and then proceed to tell that person (but no other adults) where he is supposed to sit? I think it is much more gracious to simply laugh off the Taco Bell rather than assume the Offended Party role.
If the step daughter did indeed move a plate out of the way to sit down, I think the best route for the hostess to take is to simply go over, get the plate and say, "Well, I was sitting there, but I'm sure you'd like to spend some time visiting with your dad." That would get the point across, in a non confrontational way.
The whole dinner sounds very casual. If someone moved my plate, I'd just grab it and pull up a chair and squeeze in myself if possible. Even if it meant sitting there with my plate on my knees. I mean, don't get me wrong - it would irritate me but I wouldn't create a scene, either in public or in private, with the daughter. I WOULD however, mention it to my husband in private later - after I had been magnanimous and gracious in public - and treated his daughter with love and kindness the entire day.
Last edited by KathrynAragon; 12-28-2015 at 05:18 PM..
I'll just say this: it's very hard being a stepmother. No one ever dreams of being a stepmother, especially to teens. I don't know about boys but teen aged girls (or a little older in this case) can be a handful. Ugly little thoughts can be percolating in those pretty little heads.
Ex-wives can be snarky or they could have been poor parents or spouses. They can say poisonous things and influence their children in negative ways.
Dad/husbands are often passive and unable or unwilling to set a stage where everyone can adapt to a blended family. Their guilt leaves stepmom to try to pick up the pieces or otherwise deal with situations. No fun to feel unsupported by your husband.
If the stepchildren have had poor parenting, which is often the case when a marriage falls apart, the last thing they learn is good manners. When stepmom comes in expecting a certain standard of behavior, things can really get heated. Some of those kids will do anything to embarrass them, or make them unhappy or angry, e.g. Taco Bell.
Stepmothers themselves can have other stressors: work, their own children, their parents, etc. All of this coming together makes it hard to laugh off the disses and digs that those special little Taco Belles bring into our lives, without warning, into a setting that was supposed to be about family and holiday cheer.
Sometimes when my own special little Taco Belles try to diss me, I just look at them and smile while thinking, "May you be a stepmother someday!"
Not sure why you are defending this woman when Stevie Wonder could see that she has it in for her daughter in law. Nothing that girl could have done would please the OP.
The OP is not being flamed for too few details, she's being flamed for (polite version) adding details a piece at a time (or, impolite version, possibly making it up as she goes along). There are still some questions that she has not answered, but she will call US insane (really??) for giving her an opinion that she originally asked for.
Pointing this out in the way that Kathryn did was not harsh.
Agreed. Even if she didn't bring the TB, lets say she came to dinner and just didn't eat. The OP would have find that rude, stating "you're supposed to eat when you come to a gathering that's prepared food."
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Bottom line is she was doubly rude to all present but especially the OP and Grandma who provided the meal. If it were me, I'd have taken her aside and explained how manners work. Tell her the food can go back to her car or in the trash.
But then, no one I know would even dream of doing this.
But then if her food goes in the trash, what happens if she acts out and throws away some of the food you made? Sometimes it's best to let things go for the time being and bring them up later, rather than risk making a scene and causing a huge argument during a get-together. If she refuses to throw her food away, or have it sit in the car. Then you throw it away for her, now there's an argument of expecting you to pay for the food. So there's one huge scene. Especially since the OP is only a step-parent and the young girl's father was there, and probably wouldn't have allowed that.
This is another problem some have. They don't know when it's time to hold their tongue, and when it's time to argue. AFTER dinner, or the celebration, then take someone aside and tell them how you felt their behavior was inappropriate and why. To possibly cause a huge scene during a casual family get-together does not seem worth it.
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