Should I be worried or mad about my friend? (father, person, member)

[Mikala43]

One of my cousins is similar though not nearly as bad. She is chronically late. She lies that she is in route when she is not and then blames traffic. Drives me nuts.

But she is there is you ever need her, even if it's the middle of the night.

[KathrynAragon]

Originally Posted by Mikala43

One of my cousins is similar though not nearly as bad. She is chronically late. She lies that she is in route when she is not and then blames traffic. Drives me nuts.

But she is there is you ever need her, even if it's the middle of the night.

That's how my friend is - she would drop anything to help a friend in need.

The thing about me is that I'm a low maintenance friend so even with the most generous, loving friend things can get sort of one sided sometimes. I have to remind myself that I'm not "typical" when it comes to needing emotional support or a shoulder to cry on. Most people need a bit more empathy in their lives than I do. That doesn't make me better - it just makes me less dependent on others for emotional support.

I went through your update! my friend is it real worth your effort with this friend? I know how your feel I felt the same with one friend of mine. I think it is just us care too much for people who we around with. I think just take some space en enjoy your self.

My friends are people that have been in my life a long time, and I care deeply for them. Your friend really does sound like she is having some issues. Please, try to get her to get help, and don't give up on her. If the suspicions of many of the posters on here are correct, she is going to need good friends.

Good observations - thanks to all of you.

I have an update.

My friend called me this morning. She told me that she laid awake last night thinking through our conversation and now that she'd thought through it, she wanted to talk - which is great.

Long story short, she didn't try to make excuses. She apologized again. She told me that she has been super tired lately, and she had just been chalking it up to "stress," but over the past few weeks, she's also been having heart palpitations -which she was also self diagnosing as "stress."

I told her, "You know what - it may be stress - but why don't you rule out physical causes first?" She then said, "Kathryn, tell me the truth - do you think I have dementia?" I told her, "Heck no, I am not about to assume that - but I DO think you may have a physical problem, and before you just assume it's stress, why don't you get a complete physical?"

Come to find out, she's still on HRT (in her early sixties) that hasn't been tweaked for years. She's also taking all sorts of supplements trying to address her fatigue issues. And she's also taking sleeping pills trying to get rest. And I suspect, though she didn't elaborate, that there is some Xanax as well as occasional pain pill usage.

She agreed to make a list of all supplements and prescription drugs and go get a complete physical. I offered to go with her or be with her any way she wants me to be.

It was a very good, loving conversation. I am not sure she will do it - we'll see - but I think she will. And regardless of whether she does or not, at least she knows that I will not put up with plan shenanigans any longer. In fact, now that that issue is out in the open, every time I make any sort of plan with her, I am going to say, "Now - you're not going to cancel on me or forget this or make me wait 30 minutes for you, right? Because you know homie don't play dat."

We'll see how it plays out but I feel a lot better about everything and I think she does too - and I think she is going to go to the doctor, which is great.

[willow wind]

Kathryn- I would not make any plans that require her to meet you anywhere or you will be sorely disappointed. Right now, absolutely nothing has changed.

Sit back and wait for her to make that doctor appointment and actually go to it. What she is doing now is the same thing she has been doing all along. She is handing you her problems - her laundry list gets longer and longer. Once again you are accepting them.

Some people do not want resolutions to their problems, they want an audience. Your friend has a continual audience- you. She could have told you that she called a doctor and made an appointment. Instead she is just babbling along- all talk and nothing else. Just more of the same.

Let her prove to you that she is serious and committed to getting to the bottom of her various ills. Until then you might want to step back and let her take ownership of her medical, mental conditions. Offer to go with her to a doctor but otherwise keep her at arm's length until she sees a doctor, is given a wellness plan and actually partakes of it.

She is 100% responsible for her mental and physical health. Until she takes ownership of her problems keep some distance. She has not done that yet. She's got a long way to go.

[KathrynAragon]

Originally Posted by willow wind

Kathryn- I would not make any plans that require her to meet you anywhere or you will be sorely disappointed. Right now, absolutely nothing has changed.

Sit back and wait for her to make that doctor appointment and actually go to it. What she is doing now is the same thing she has been doing all along. She is handing you her problems - her laundry list gets longer and longer. Once again you are accepting them.

Some people do not want resolutions to their problems, they want an audience. Your friend has a continual audience- you. She could have told you that she called a doctor and made an appointment. Instead she is just babbling along- all talk and nothing else. Just more of the same.

Let her prove to you that she is serious and committed to getting to the bottom of her various ills. Until then you might want to step back and let her take ownership of her medical, mental conditions. Offer to go with her to a doctor but otherwise keep her at arm's length until she sees a doctor, is given a wellness plan and actually partakes of it.

She is 100% responsible for her mental and physical health. Until she takes ownership of her problems keep some distance. She has not done that yet. She's got a long way to go.

I understand what you're saying and you make some good points.

However, I have some experience with some debilitating illnesses, both physical and mental, within my immediate family, and those experiences make me hesitant to play hardball with someone who is exhibiting symptoms of an issue that may involve mental health or dementia. Though I agree that people need to take responsibility for their own health, some forms of physical or mental illness make it very difficult for them to do so without some emotional support.

I have a brother who is seriously mentally ill. He has paranoid schizophrenia and is 100 percent disabled by it, but he responds very well to meds and therapy, and will fall apart without the meds and therapy. When he was in the throes of the mental illness, there was no reasoning with him. However, at that point, he could not help his actions - he needed encouragement and love from his family and it was a very scary thing for him to face. He had to basically have his hand called, boundaries put into place, and then know that we were going to love him no matter what the diagnosis was before he would submit to testing, treatment, etc.

My MIL just passed away after ten years of Alzheimers. It was heart breaking. In retrospect, we could look back on her behaviors a few years before diagnosis and realize that what was infuriating us and making us think she was just disregarding our feelings, were uncharacteristic behaviors, or exaggerated behaviors that were suddenly running unchecked (because of the decrease in mental capabilities) caused by disease.

So yes, I am going to sit back and see what she does. I'm not rushing to make plans with her and in fact, my schedule for the next week or so is booking up really fast, so I doubt that I can even make plans with her any time soon.

I am going to insist that she go to the doctor - or quit bothering me with psuedo plans and discussions about her health till she does so. She told me today that she is going to make an appointment with her doctor for a complete physical, including bringing her a list of all her meds and supplements, so I am going to see if she does so. If she doesn't make the appointment within a week or so, we've got another problem, but I am going to give her enough time to do that.

Sorry, but I don't see how she's handing me her laundry list of problems when she called to apologize, and to tell me that she'd thought over what we'd talked about and realized that there may be something going on that needs to be addressed by a doctor, and has agreed to go see a doctor. In fact, she hasn't even asked me to go with her. She hasn't asked me to come over and pet on her or cater to her, and she hasn't asked me to meet her anywhere. I think we're making progress. I hope so.

The thing is, something has to change, and it's going to be her behaviors and actions that have to change in order for me to continue our friendship. She knows that now and knows I've called her hand and the shenanigans are officially over. Now I need to give her the chance to act appropriately.

She is my oldest, dearest friend and has been there for me through some difficult times, even though my difficult times are frankly few and far between. I think she deserves a bit of grace as long as she steps up to the plate now.

That's how I see it anyway.

[Blondy]

I think you are on the right track. I wouldn't get too attached to the outcome, because your friend seems to have a lot of trouble delivering on what she says she will do.


Whats going on with her could be due to any of those drugs. Esp the sleeping pill if its something like Ambien. There's a lot of bizarre behavior associated with that. I've seen that first hand with my husband and a couple of friends.

[kitty61]

I don't think it is necessary to involve husbands and family members. You have your friend to ask. It sounds a little bit like you are shy of "mental issues".
Explain to her you have noticed significant changes in her behavior. Ask "Is there something happening in your life that is different?".

[Mikala43]

You are an amazing friend. I'm so glad she opened up about the problems she has been having and going to go in and get a complete physical.

Good luck to the both of you and cheers to friendship!

[sheena12]

Originally Posted by KathrynAragon

That's how my friend is - she would drop anything to help a friend in need.

The thing about me is that I'm a low maintenance friend so even with the most generous, loving friend things can get sort of one sided sometimes. I have to remind myself that I'm not "typical" when it comes to needing emotional support or a shoulder to cry on. Most people need a bit more empathy in their lives than I do. That doesn't make me better - it just makes me less dependent on others for emotional support.





Good observations - thanks to all of you.

I have an update.

My friend called me this morning. She told me that she laid awake last night thinking through our conversation and now that she'd thought through it, she wanted to talk - which is great.

Long story short, she didn't try to make excuses. She apologized again. She told me that she has been super tired lately, and she had just been chalking it up to "stress," but over the past few weeks, she's also been having heart palpitations -which she was also self diagnosing as "stress."

I told her, "You know what - it may be stress - but why don't you rule out physical causes first?" She then said, "Kathryn, tell me the truth - do you think I have dementia?" I told her, "Heck no, I am not about to assume that - but I DO think you may have a physical problem, and before you just assume it's stress, why don't you get a complete physical?"

Come to find out, she's still on HRT (in her early sixties) that hasn't been tweaked for years. She's also taking all sorts of supplements trying to address her fatigue issues. And she's also taking sleeping pills trying to get rest. And I suspect, though she didn't elaborate, that there is some Xanax as well as occasional pain pill usage.

She agreed to make a list of all supplements and prescription drugs and go get a complete physical. I offered to go with her or be with her any way she wants me to be.

It was a very good, loving conversation. I am not sure she will do it - we'll see - but I think she will. And regardless of whether she does or not, at least she knows that I will not put up with plan shenanigans any longer. In fact, now that that issue is out in the open, every time I make any sort of plan with her, I am going to say, "Now - you're not going to cancel on me or forget this or make me wait 30 minutes for you, right? Because you know homie don't play dat."

We'll see how it plays out but I feel a lot better about everything and I think she does too - and I think she is going to go to the doctor, which is great.

I had a hunch that it was something like this. I am happy for you that you had a good "heart to heart" with her. As it turns out, she was thinking the same thing. Let's hope that it's just a medication adjustment issue. And a wake-up call to take better care of herself.

You are a very good friend, and my impression is that, at her best, she appreciates your friendship immeasurably.

It's good to hear that she is going to a doctor for a complete work up. I am pulling for her, and you are both in my prayers. Please let us know what happens.

[KathrynAragon]

Originally Posted by sheena12

I had a hunch that it was something like this. I am happy for you that you had a good "heart to heart" with her. As it turns out, she was thinking the same thing. Let's hope that it's just a medication adjustment issue. And a wake-up call to take better care of herself.

You are a very good friend, and my impression is that, at her best, she appreciates your friendship immeasurably.

It's good to hear that she is going to a doctor for a complete work up. I am pulling for her, and you are both in my prayers. Please let us know what happens.

Thank you so much. I feel like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders.

I am not saying that I expect her to immediately change or to rush to the doctor next week - but I think we made a lot of good headway today.

Just for the record, I don't have a problem establishing boundaries with most people - especially newer acquaintances, co workers, etc. My issue with this friend is that she hasn't always been so flaky, nor has she had the other physical symptoms. Yes, she's always been VERY different from me in many ways, and she's always been more, what I would call scatterbrained and mercurial than me - more emotional - but she's been a thoughtful, kind, honest, open, generous friend to me for nearly 20 years. This is why I've given her so much leeway this past year. I honestly have been flummoxed on how to handle it. Much of the insight and advice on this thread has been very helpful to me.

Thanks for your sweet words of encouragement!

[goodmockingbird]

I am wondering if her plans to get a full physical and review of medications will be carried out as "efficiently" as her other "plans".

Expect to hear, 'Oh his office was booked through June, and I really am feeling better. But thanks for looking out for me. I'll just take some more vitamins and when it gets warmer I'll feel like excercising more. Maybe I'll get in to see the doctor this summer, work it about Labor Day. But not if its hot, the sun makes me tired. But I'll get right to it! How about lunch?'