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I'm guessing you went to meet her,
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Nope. I DID get dressed, and I got together some items for some other errands I needed to run "in town." I live about twenty minutes out of town. I have learned from past experience with her to NEVER "drive into town" with only a plan to meet with her, or I often find myself wandering around aimlessly till she eventually shows up or cancels completely. So no, I didn't go into town to meet her ONLY, and I didn't go wait at the restaurant or anywhere else. I just started down my list of errands and decided that when I was done, I was just going to go on home.
This is the one you got right.
She did EVENTUALLY call - here's how that went:
Of course she didn't call at 9. Or 10. Or 11. By 11:30 I was already out my door to run my errands, whether she called or not. In the meantime, at 11:40 I texted her "Hey girl, what's the plan?" No answer. At 11:50 I called her. No answer. I left this message: "____ I thought you were going to call me this morning to let me know whether or not you were going to yoga. I didn't hear from you so I thought maybe we had agreed to touch base between 11:30 and noon about meeting for lunch at noon at BJs. Give me a call."
No answer.
At noon, I decided to cut my losses (I'd already been sitting in a parking lot waiting for her to respond), and I decided to go on to the grocery store and just go home afterwards.
At 12:05 she called. Now - I was already headed for the grocery store. And she said this, "Hey, girl! Hey, listen - I need to get dressed and I can be ready by 1 - do you want to go to BJs at 1?" Now - I know that doesn't really mean 1. It really means 1:15 or 1:30.
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and she won't answer your phone calls.
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No, actually she did.
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And now you're even madder.
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Nope, I'm not madder. But things are more clarified to me after our ensuing phone conversation when she asked if I would meet her at 1 (rather than noon) for lunch.
I said, "No, _____, I don't want to meet you at 1." She immediately said, in a much sharper voice, "What - you're not going to meet me for lunch?" And I sighed and said, "Look, here's the deal. We were supposed to meet for lunch at noon - and in fact, you said you were going to call me at 9 this morning to decide whether we would meet at noon or EARLIER. Now, I'm done with my running around, other than the grocery store, and so to meet you at 1, that means I would have to just basically find something to do between now and then. And I don't want to do that, because to be honest, I'm tired of doing that. I have to do it every time we try to get together. I have literally NOTHING TO DO for the next hour or so. This really inconveniences me."
There was a long silence and then she said slowly, "Okay.....I didn't realize you were going to be this mad." I said, "I don't know whether to be mad, or to be worried about you. Do you realize that every time we try to get together, you change or cancel the plans? At first I was just mad about this, but after the past week or so, I have begun worrying about you and wondering if something serious is going on with you." "No, no!" she said, "I've just been preoccupied, busy, and you know, the holidays and losing my calendar, and all that and now I've gained weight over the holidays and I feel sluggish and out of whack...no, no, there's nothing serious wrong with me at all. You don't need to be WORRIED about me."
So then I said, "Well, then let's talk about our expectations, because we've got a miscommunication of some sort going on here. I haven't gotten the feeling that you mean to hurt my feelings, but I have to admit, my feelings are hurt and that's because I feel like spending time with me isn't much of a priority with you - but then you confuse me because you seem to want to get together so I'm getting mixed messages."
And she said, "I DO want to spend time with you. Look, go get your groceries and take them home and I'll come over this afternoon. I'll drive out to your house."
I said, "You know - when I get home and unload groceries, I think I just want to relax. We can talk this out now, and then we can decide when to get together again, how 'bout that." She said, "Oh yes, let's talk it out. Oh my gosh, I'm so embarrassed. I'm so sorry I hurt your feelings. You know I didn't mean to do that, right? I love you. I don't ever want to hurt your feelings!"
So I said, "OK, let's talk about expectations then. Maybe I need to adjust mine. See, here's how I operate - when we plan to get together, that's my plan. It doesn't matter if I didn't sleep well the night before, or if I've gained weight, or if I feel sluggish, or whatever. No. My plan is to have lunch with my friend, so I just get up, get dressed, and do it. And I always enjoy our time together, so it's not a sacrifice, it's just what I do. We have a plan, I do it." "Yes, you're right," she said, "You do always keep our plans."
So I said, "Now, I've never wanted to pressurize our relationship, or make any sort of ultimatum to you - I mean, I love you and I haven't wanted to make those sort of pronouncements. We've always enjoyed being able to just say what we feel and be ourselves around each other, so I like that and don't want to change that. That's why I have to tell you now how I feel. I have to let you know that I am either worried or hurt or irritated - I need more information in order to decide which one! Is there something that I don't know about that is causing you to forget or postpone or be very late when we try to get together? Like today, for instance - is something going on that has prevented you from being able to meet up with me for lunch at noon?"
And here's what she said:
"Well, here's what happened. My husband and I took the kids to preschool this morning (her grandkids who live five minutes from her house). Wow, I was beat when we got in about 9 so I sat down in the recliner, and girl, I just fell asleep! I slept till ten! And then my cousin called and I was talking with her and we started going down memory lane, and you know what else - my head hurts! It's that diet I'm on, it's making my head hurt. So anyway, I just let time get away from me. And I should have called you. I know I should have, but I just wasn't paying attention to the time and next thing I knew it was noon!"
She then went on and said, "I know that sounds like just a lot of excuses. When I say it, that's what it sounds like to me. I understand why you're put out." And I said, "Well - not just that. I'm worried about you." And she said, "Well, I'm worried about me too. I'm too fat, I don't have my usual energy, I'm not taking my vitamins like I should - what I really need to do is start taking better care of myself. And that's what I'm going to do."
Then she said, "I'm so glad we had this talk! I'm so glad you told me how you're feeling - I hadn't thought about it from your perspective. When do you want to get together - can we get together this week?"
I said, "I am busy tomorrow and Friday, but I am free Saturday, Sunday and Monday. Do any of those days work for you?" She said, "I can do something Friday!" and I said, "No - I can't do Friday. What about Saturday, Sunday or Monday? Look don't answer me right away," I said, "Just get your calendar out and see what works for you and call me - but give me 24 hours notice!" And she said, "OK, that sounds great! We'll get together and hey, by the way, isn't your birthday next week?"
I said, "Yes," and she said, "Aren't you going to get together with your family?" I said, "Well, we don't have any firm plans yet - probably. I mean, we usually just get together and have cake and coffee, no big deal." She said, "Well, COUNT ME IN! Call me and let me know when and where - it's your birthday, girl, and I want to be there!"
Why do I feel like absolutely nothing was accomplished?
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