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My friend has no kids. This is her step daughter and step grand kids. The step daughter isn't asking my friend to take her kids to school - she is asking her FATHER to take the kids to school and my friend is along for the ride. She and her step daughter have a very strained relationship for many reasons that I won't burden the thread with.
If she doesn't want to be bothered, why is SHE instigating so many phone calls and making plans to get together that she then breaks? I DON'T GET IT.
Well I would still think if she was acting "goofy" around the kids, the stepdaughter would speak up, especially if things were strained to begin with.
See you did say you were concerned about her, but you let her give you all these excuses and should have said flat out "it's just not acceptable, my time is important to me, and you don't seem to respect that".
IDK what's going on with her, but I see a woman who is capable of taking(even if she isn't doing much other than riding along) kids to school, talking at length with a cousin, but can't make to BJs at noon, or call you like she said she would at 9am.
The last thing I would have said to her is "I'm free _____ and _____ next week. Even if they called and suggested something I would say I have to pass for now.
I would keep in contact by phone, see how she acts on the phone, but no more plans in the near future even if she suggests something.
Altogether too much drama for mature, highly accomplished women.
For whatever reason under the sun, she is now in a "goofy behavior" stage of life.
If I were the OP I would have one final one to one talk with her, strictly about Friend's health. Lay out the facts that for some reason she has been losing track of important obligations. If she has a problem with addiction, or if she herself is concerned about memory lapses, I would offer her nonjudgemental, proactive assistance to get into an inpatient treatment, or in for a full extensive neurological exam.
If she continued to deny any problems, I tell her the offer remains open -- if and when she is ready to take active steps towards regaining her health.
Otherwise, I'd just shrug it off that somebody I never had all that much in common with in the first place has just settled into retirement age as a goofy-acting irresponsible person, and leave it at that. If she calls to chit chat about the weather, fine. But never again would I make any sorts of obligation of my time in her direction.
She wants medical help? I'd leap into action.
She wants a weather report, and aren't the flowers lovely? Why, yes they are.
She wants to meet for lunch? "I'm sorry to have to say this, but I don't see obligating my time when you missed so many other luncheon dates without valid reason."
I'd fully expect her to quit calling.
Sometimes people just choose (!) to be goofy and irresponsible. Let them be that way. On their time, their dime. Not mine.
Well I would still think if she was acting "goofy" around the kids, the stepdaughter would speak up, especially if things were strained to begin with.
See you did say you were concerned about her, but you let her give you all these excuses and should have said flat out "it's just not acceptable, my time is important to me, and you don't seem to respect that".
IDK what's going on with her, but I see a woman who is capable of taking(even if she isn't doing much other than riding along) kids to school, talking at length with a cousin, but can't make to BJs at noon, or call you like she said she would at 9am.
The last thing I would have said to her is "I'm free _____ and _____ next week. Even if they called and suggested something I would say I have to pass for now.
I would keep in contact by phone, see how she acts on the phone, but no more plans in the near future even if she suggests something.
Well, to be honest, her step daughter HAS spoken up about my friend's poor judgment about the kids - frankly my friend is not one to respect personal boundaries. Just let me give you an example:
Her DIL is divorced from the kids' dad. He's apparently a pretty big jerk to put it lightly. I do believe my friend regarding that. Anyway, because my friend and her DIL were at odds - as usual - her DIL was putting some space between them, and my friend had not been able to see the kids for about two weeks. I am not saying whether or not that was justified - I think there are a lot of issues on all sides, but anyway, that's the way it was going.
So, through her husband, my friend finds out that the kids are spending the weekend with their dad. Let me tell you what my friend did - SHE TEXTED THE KIDS' FATHER AND SAID THIS: "Since your ex wife isn't allowing me to see the kids, can you please text me some pictures of them? Thank you. I miss them so much." WHAT ON EARTH. WHAT ON EARTH. So OF COURSE, the ex husband immediately lets the DIL know that my friend is texting him, and then the DIL gets mad and it was a huge brouhaha. So my friend calls me all hysterical saying, "My DIL is so mad at me! All I wanted to do was see pictures of THE BABIES!" sob sob sob. I said, "Wow. So you texted the crazy ex that you can't stand and undermined her and now you're surprised he told her? What did you expect her reaction to be?" I then told her that basically the only thing I could think of to rectify this was for her to call the DIL and apologize for being, I don't know - a freaking idiot.
By the way, I DID tell her that I felt she wasn't respecting my time. I may have left that part out in my earlier account, but I did tell her that. I mean, I didn't type out the entire conversation which lasted about thirty minutes - just the highlights. But I did refuse her offer for her to drive out to my house this afternoon.
You may be right about not telling her what days I am free. But honestly, I don't even think it much matters. She won't remember and then she'll call eventually and want to get together and honestly, I will only agree to it if it's completely convenient to me, and if she stands me up or makes me wait again, I am going to tell her that I'm very disappointed, but that I need to disentangle myself from this because she either doesn't respect me or she's got some sort of serious problem that she has chosen not to share with me. If that's the case, when she wants to share it, she can call me but till then, I'm out.
Altogether too much drama for mature, highly accomplished women.
For whatever reason under the sun, she is now in a "goofy behavior" stage of life.
If I were the OP I would have one final one to one talk with her, strictly about Friend's health. Lay out the facts that for some reason she has been losing track of important obligations. If she has a problem with addiction, or if she herself is concerned about memory lapses, I would offer her nonjudgemental, proactive assistance to get into an inpatient treatment, or in for a full extensive neurological exam.
If she continued to deny any problems, I tell her the offer remains open -- if and when she is ready to take active steps towards regaining her health.
Otherwise, I'd just shrug it off that somebody I never had all that much in common with in the first place has just settled into retirement age as a goofy-acting irresponsible person, and leave it at that. If she calls to chit chat about the weather, fine. But never again would I make any sorts of obligation of my time in her direction.
She wants medical help? I'd leap into action.
She wants a weather report, and aren't the flowers lovely? Why, yes they are.
She wants to meet for lunch? "I'm sorry to have to say this, but I don't see obligating my time when you missed so many other luncheon dates without valid reason."
I'd fully expect her to quit calling.
Sometimes people just choose (!) to be goofy and irresponsible. Let them be that way. On their time, their dime. Not mine.
For the record, I think this is the best advice I've received. Thank you. Apparently I've given you too many reps already but consider this another one.
When she calls, she ALWAYS wants to get together and instigates a plan - which in the past has been great with me because I enjoy her company.
She makes plans with you because making plans is fun. I'll bet you're a hoot. I'll bet you have all kinds of interesting ideas for things to do that I would never think of.
Thinking later about having to follow through is not so much fun. It may be that executing the plan feels like too much effort (that sluggishness she talks about).
Right. I totally agree - nothing was accomplished, other than me specifically telling her that I am hurt when she changes or cancels plans and that we apparently have different expectations about that aspect of our friendship.
I do think that needed to be clarified - that it isn't OK with me and that it worries me AND irritates me. I think she needs to know that.
As for my free days, they may not be free by the time she calls with a proposed plan. I'm serious. Like any other active person, my days tend to fill up each week. I'm not just sitting around waiting for her to call so I can hurry up and wait on her.
I think this. I think now she knows beyond a shadow of a doubt what a normal person would have figured out months ago - that their friend doesn't like being stood up or made to wait and wait and wait every time. Now she knows it bothers and concerns me. Now she knows that frankly I don't care if she's "feeling sluggish" or if "taking her grandkids to preschool wore her out so much that she fell asleep in her recliner and forgot to call," or if "she and her cousin were walking down memory lane." Or God knows what else. Now she knows that I won't cater to this.
So I am going to see how she reacts this week. I'm not going to instigate any plans (I already don't do that). I won't call her unless I don't hear from her for a week or so (that would be a first so yeah, I would call to check on her). And if she calls me and we plan something, and she doesn't show up, then I am going to consider contacting her husband and sharing my concerns.
If you choose to accept an invitation from her again, I would be REALLY literal and concrete about it. "OK, so if you don't call by 9:30 (when she says she's calling by 9:00), I'll assume we're not meeting and I won't show up." Or even better, "From now on, I will wait 10 minutes past the time we say we're meeting and if you don't show or call/text, I will leave."
I would actually probably limit it to having her visit at your house when you're going to be there with nothing to do anyway. That way, if she finks or shows up super late, you haven't been put out. Don't offer dinner; just tea and conversation in the afternoon, for example.
I've read these 18 pages and after todays non meeting I would honestly say its time for a friendship break. Take her calls, answer her emails comment her facebook but stay slightly unobtainable. Too busy for lunch, family get together "we will see you when we see you".
After a while she will either carry on without you or she will realize shes missing the friendship.
You are a very caring friend. I had terrible depression after the birth of my daughter. Someone I thought was a friend decided it was a good time to dump me.
I have a friend I worry about - my closest oldest friend.
If she pulls away I know its a sign shes sick
She has fibromyalgia and one thing it makes her unable to tolerate, as much as she may love me, is Me
Obviously this makes me feel bad but that's my problem
I just let her come to me and am grateful when she does
Weve had a million talks about self care but at the end of the day, shes a grown person and so am I. We ALL do the Best we can.
she chooses to stay in a bad paying job using pharmaceuticals to cope. It makes her sick. I don't make her sick IYKWIM, my job is to support her, maybe mention stuff but basically She Already Knows what she's doing makes her sick, does it anyway.
She makes plans with you because making plans is fun. I'll bet you're a hoot. I'll bet you have all kinds of interesting ideas for things to do that I would never think of.
Thinking later about having to follow through is not so much fun. It may be that executing the plan feels like too much effort (that sluggishness she talks about).
Hmm, could be. That wouldn't be the first time that's happened to me with a friend. I'm a very energetic person and some people do tend to be attracted to that.
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