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I don't understand why you let her have this much control over you. Why are you hanging around in parking lots waiting for her to call?
You need to go live your life, and leave this sorry heifer in the dust. If she really wanted to be with you, she would move heaven and earth. But all those excuses she's giving you is flat-out telling you that you are not important to her. There is nothing medically wrong with her.
Point blank? F*ck her.
I'm serious. I would give her the Heisman, and be done with it. My time is far too important to waste it on a flaky assclown like her.
I totally get what you're saying and I have felt these exact feelings over the past few months. But they've alternated with worry because this is a significant change for her and coupled with the physical symptoms, I've been worried about her.
But I'm near the end of my rope.
There is going to be a change, whether she's got something wrong with her or not. For the record, I DO think there's something wrong with her, but even so, she still needs to be more courteous toward me. I don't think any adult woman "owes" me a detailed explanation, but I do think that a friend should at least either manage to be courteous or give her friend some sort of explanation as to why she can't manage it - and "I have a caffeine withdrawal headache/my cousin called me and time got away from me/I feel sluggish because I've gained four pounds," is NOT cutting it with me.
That's what I'm going to tell her the next time she flakes on me. And there will be a next time -there's no doubt in my mind.
Here is my exact speech for when this happens again:
"____, listen - I've been concerned about you for awhile, because I honestly believe there's something wrong with you - either physically or mentally, or both. I've tried to talk with you about this, but so far I haven't gotten any real answer from you about your behavior - only very irritating excuses. If those truly are the reasons why you're brushing me aside, you obviously don't care about our friendship. I don't think that's the case, but regardless - I am not going to continue to tolerate this sort of one sided relationship. When you decide to be honest with yourself and me, give me a call and we'll take it from there, but till then, I'm not going to make myself vulnerable to your mistreatment of our friendship. I hate it's come to this."
I am honestly going to memorize this little speech!
Kathryn- you're ruminating over this situation. Ruminating is not emotionally healthful. How much time have you spent writing posts on city data. How much time have you spent on your own thinking of what to do with this " friend". Probably countless hours.
What has it gotten you- nothing. Perhaps it's time to step back and formulate a working plan. Figure out what you don't like- such as constantly being stood up . Your plan should then be don't put yourself in the situation where that happens. No more meeting for lunch, dinner, shopping, etc. It's not working , time to end it.
Invite your friend to your home only when there will be a group of people there. Then, if she doesn't show, she won't be missed as much. Communicate with her over the phone, texts,email, etc. at your convenience. Don't always be available to be her listener. Don't go to her home as she is never ready to see you.
Yes, there may be something going on with her, medically, emotionally, whatever. All you can do it so offer to support her if she wants to see a doctor, therapist, etc. But as we all always say on city-data- you can't fix people. She has to want to get to the bottom of her problems, if that is what they are to her. Right now she is in denial about getting help.
It may be best for you to just step back some. Put some sort of structure or boundary around your relationship with her. People change, relationships change. You may have to adjust how you look at your friendship with her. Minimize your contact so that she behavior does not annoy or aggravate you. Right now, she is not behaving like a friend and all you are doing is enabling her various behaviors.
Try not to overthink her problems. They are her problems. She, not you, has to deal with them. You can be supportive but you do not have to take them on. Hand them back to her.
Wow, great advice. Thank you.
I do have a very specific plan and I feel a lot better now. See above post.
Here is my exact speech for when this happens again:
"____, listen - I've been concerned about you for awhile, because I honestly believe there's something wrong with you - either physically or mentally, or both. I've tried to talk with you about this, but so far I haven't gotten any real answer from you about your behavior - only very irritating excuses. If those truly are the reasons why you're brushing me aside, you obviously don't care about our friendship. I don't think that's the case, but regardless - I am not going to continue to tolerate this sort of one sided relationship. When you decide to be honest with yourself and me, give me a call and we'll take it from there, but till then, I'm not going to make myself vulnerable to your mistreatment of our friendship. I hate it's come to this."
I am honestly going to memorize this little speech!
Kathryn. You seem like a well-adjusted, educated woman. But listen to yourself!
You JUST HAD that conversation with her. It wasn't satisfying to you so you didn't get enough closure.
Did you not hear how this woman summarily blew you off?
She is playing you like a puppeteer, and she has you dangling, waiting in parking lots, calling her over & over, texting, etc. She has power over you by you jumping through all these hoops, so she is already getting what she needs from you. But she is not willing to give any back.
She. Doesn't. Care. About. You. Anymore.
She point-blank TOLD YOU this.
I understand you needing closure, but you are not going to get it from her.
Please, for your own sanity, you need to walk away. Now. Today. Stop making plans for the "next time".
Kathryn. You seem like a well-adjusted, educated woman. But listen to yourself!
You JUST HAD that conversation with her. It wasn't satisfying to you so you didn't get enough closure.
Did you not hear how this woman summarily blew you off?
She is playing you like a puppeteer, and she has you dangling, waiting in parking lots, calling her over & over, texting, etc. She has power over you by you jumping through all these hoops, so she is already getting what she needs from you. But she is not willing to give any back.
She. Doesn't. Care. About. You. Anymore.
She point-blank TOLD YOU this.
I understand you needing closure, but you are not going to get it from her.
Please, for your own sanity, you need to walk away. Now. Today. Stop making plans for the "next time".
YESTERDAY WAS THE LAST TIME. REPEAT AFTER ME.
Haha - I get what you're saying, but my mistake yesterday was not telling her that I was done till she was honest with me. I told her how I was feeling but I didn't say, "I'm done till you change your behavior," and she was so apologetic (which she hasn't been in the past) that I felt like she needs one more chance and that if she thought about it a few days knowing now beyond a shadow of a doubt that I've had it, she may open up and talk with me. I feel like since I think there's something truly wrong with her, maybe she needs to realize I realize it, face it herself, and then open up with me and I can help her get the help she needs.
But I'm with you - I have one more situation left in me before I close the door but I will close that door. This is a big step for me emotionally because of the length and breadth and depth of our relationship. That's the only thing that's kept it alive over the past few months, believe me. I do not normally tolerate such behavior and with lesser friendships I would have had no problem walking away from it months ago. I promise you I don't ruminate or stress over most relationships this way - that's why I've been so freaked out, because I think I've shared that my usual mode of thinking is very rational and not particularly emotional - a mindset that has it's pros and cons but it's familiar to me. This is very unfamiliar to me!
WHAT THE HECK.
I am going out of town next week to spend a few days with a friend of mine who IS more thoughtful, balanced, and tons of fun. I do have better relationships in my life, believe me. (I sure do wish this other girlfriend didn't live two hours away!)
There isn't anything you (in the generic sense) can do about chronically late or flaking-out-on-you people.
You either adjust the time or you wait for them or you never do anything together again. Talking doesn't help.
Yup, quoting myself...but what I meant to say was, you can't do anything about the other person's chronic lateness. You can only do something about how you react.
I've also known people who show up at the door (for a vague let's-do-coffee-soon invitation ) and say, 'How about right now?' When it's pouring rain and you are working on plumbing or your power just went out.
Can't fix that, either. All you can say is, 'Not now, but we'll call and set a time for tomorrow.'
Your friendship sounds enviable and precious to me. I am sad to tell you that your friend needs to see her doctor for a complete medical exam.
You know this, the thing that you didn't want to think of. Be the loving friend you've always been...walk her through this, she needs you more than ever.
And, it could be lots of things, deficiencies to the worst case scenario. Help her make and keep appointments, go with her, be there for her.
Sending you hugs
Your friendship sounds enviable and precious to me. I am sad to tell you that your friend needs to see her doctor for a complete medical exam.
You know this, the thing that you didn't want to think of. Be the loving friend you've always been...walk her through this, she needs you more than ever.
And, it could be lots of things, deficiencies to the worst case scenario. Help her make and keep appointments, go with her, be there for her.
Sending you hugs
Yep, there is a lot of truth to this, which is why I haven't been quick to throw away nearly twenty years of friendship and camaraderie.
I agree she needs to get a complete physical and probably a neurological exam and I am going to tell her this. I've told her I think she needs a complete physical but what I haven't told her is I think she needs a neurological exam and that I think frankly she needs to change doctors. The next time I talk with her, I'm going to reiterate that. And I'm not calling her - I'm going to wait to hear from her. And like you suggested, I am going to offer to go to the doctor with her if she wants and to be supportive of her regardless - as long as she understands that I am not going to tolerate flaky excuses or chronic lateness or cancelling of stuff anymore.
I think I got her attention when I called her hand firmly yesterday but we'll see what she does with that information.
LOL I'm sorry. I can't believe I'm having this much trouble with an otherwise intelligent, loving, mature adult friend!!!!!!!! MAYBE IT'S ME. What the heck.
I went through your update! my friend is it real worth your effort with this friend? I know how your feel I felt the same with one friend of mine. I think it is just us care too much for people who we around with. I think just take some space en enjoy your self.
My friends are people that have been in my life a long time, and I care deeply for them. Your friend really does sound like she is having some issues. Please, try to get her to get help, and don't give up on her. If the suspicions of many of the posters on here are correct, she is going to need good friends.
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