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True, it's better to be happily single than be with dysfunctional partners. I don't disparage you, my friend or anyone else for making that choice, I'm just saying that it's different when you're single, the same way it's different when you become a parent. Your priorities can't help but be different. Not better, not worse - just different. No disparagement intended.
As for me, I have chosen to stay with my husband despite his anxiety disorder, and no one has the right to judge me for that, either. We have been together for over 32 years, we love each other, and I'm in it for the long haul. He is having some memory problems lately. He sometimes asks me the same question several times. I suspect he may be facing dementia sometime in the future. His increased anxiety might be one of the symptoms. If so, the situation could become even more "nuts." When and if it happens I'll deal with that, too, because I love him. If that is "justifying my situation," then I plead guilty.
OP,
Single people are in relationships all of the time. You do 'have to' take someone else into account even when single. The fact that you think otherwise is patronizing. Single people do not spend life in a bubble where they do not have to deal with others and spend their lives skipping through tulips without any problems. If you interact with people, you have to have give-and-take. That applies to all.
Quote:
Originally Posted by NoMoreSnowForMe
But, you did disparage your friend for being single, and used that as an excuse for her not "understanding" why your husband's behavior isn't funny.
You're tapdancing now, in my opinion. You did judge your friend harshly, saying she didn't understand why you'd put up with your husband's behavior, saying it's because she's single, and that married people put up with stuff, because they're married.
But, that's not rational. You are putting up with stuff most rational women would not put up with today.
That's your choice.
But, what you are putting up with is not normal or considered acceptable by today's standards. Whether you are married or not.
But, yes, you definitely did disparage your friend's opinion based on her being single. And you are using this as rationalization for what you put up with.
Again, if you choose to put up with it, and you're happy with that decision, then good for you.
But, what you are putting up with is not normal behavior, for married people or single people. And saying that if your friend was married to someone like your husband, that she'd put up with it, is not rational. She probably would not, and most women in today's world would not.
Your situation is dysfunctional. Make no mistake about it. And it is more normal for someone to react in a way as to say it's unacceptable, than not to.
I agree, especially with your last paragraph. The responses on this thread are proof.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Bayarea4
Oh, OK. I see what you mean. That remark could be construed as a put-down. You know what, though - I think I'm actually jealous of her for always being able to have things the way she likes them. I get my way less than half the time, or at least it feels that way.
I would like to make it clear, though, that notneeding to always take another's needs into account and being incapableofit are two very different things, and I would never say the latter about my friend. She is a kind and considerate person. Even though she has long been divorced, she and her ex are still good friends.
Again, more patronizing.
Single people move in with others and get into relationships all the time. Single people don't 'have things the way that they like them' all them time.
What I don't understand is why does anyone care what the OP is doing with her life if she is OK with it? She didn't ask for advice about her marriage or her husband's condition. I don't get all the energy being spent here on something that doesn't affect any of you (except the OP) in the least. What is the goal here?
What I don't understand is why does anyone care what the OP is doing with her life if she is OK with it? She didn't ask for advice about her marriage or her husband's condition. I don't get all the energy being spent here on something that doesn't affect any of you (except the OP) in the least. What is the goal here?
What I don't understand is why does anyone care what the OP is doing with her life if she is OK with it? She didn't ask for advice about her marriage or her husband's condition. I don't get all the energy being spent here on something that doesn't affect any of you (except the OP) in the least. What is the goal here?
You need to ask the OP this question, not us.
Let's see.
The OP and her friend had a different take on a situation re: the OP's husband and his actions (in other words, their marriage). The OP asked us for our opinion on said friend's reaction:
Am I wrong for seeing the humor in the situation, or is my friend wrong for making such a big deal out of it?
I am truly trying to understand how we can do this without commenting on the marriage. The OP volunteered (or, changed her story, depending up on your view) the other information.
She didn't ask for advice about her marriage or her husband's condition.
...
What is the goal here?
She (I thought) wanted to understand why her friend was so angry. I put myself in the friend's place and thought that if it were me, and I had a friend whose husband was always checking up on her, that after 11 years, something obviously broke the proverbial straw across the camel's back, and I finally had to say something to her.
I assumed the goal was to help the OP understand why this happened. Instead, she deflected by saying it really doesn't happen that often. But, it evidently does, or the friend wouldn't have snapped like that.
She (I thought) wanted to understand why her friend was so angry. I put myself in the friend's place and thought that if it were me, and I had a friend whose husband was always checking up on her, that after 11 years, something obviously broke the proverbial straw across the camel's back, and I finally had to say something to her.
I assumed the goal was to help the OP understand why this happened. Instead, she deflected by saying it really doesn't happen that often. But, it evidently does, or the friend wouldn't have snapped like that.
*shrugs*
Also, this idea that the husband is "ok" with his situation and that unmarried people don't understand what it is to be in a couple, which involves accommodating the needs of another person are both rather pernicious red herrings.
1) Husband may have accepted his situation as normal, but you know what? Some people accept being abused as normal because they just get used to it. Anyone who has ever dealt with extreme anxiety knows that it is basically constant torment. My friend's ex just hung himself because he couldn't cope after having coped for years.
2) Accommodating him to the degree that the OP does basically destroys any chance of her husband getting well.
I'd much rather be single than have to answer to some pathetic, jealous loser who needs to have me at her beck & call every single minute. Sickening.
In fact, one of the many reasons I am single is because I don't need a ball & chain like this. Life is too short to put with with this nonsense.
I've also noticed there are a lot of apologists on this thread re: this type of stalker-ish behavior. Wow. Can't believe so many are excusing this type of bull$#%$. I'll bet that many of you have not been in relationships where your S.O. ended up stalking you. If you were, I'm sure you'd end up singing a different tune! You don't know what it's like unless you've experienced it for yourself!!!!
Four exclamation points!!!!
You seem a little unhinged. Have you sought therapy for your obvious distress over something in your past?
You are still being controlled--not by someone else but by your memories of trauma.
I'd much rather be single than have to answer to some pathetic, jealous loser who needs to have me at her beck & call every single minute. Sickening.
In fact, one of the many reasons I am single is because I don't need a ball & chain like this. Life is too short to put with with this nonsense.
I've also noticed there are a lot of apologists on this thread re: this type of stalker-ish behavior. Wow. Can't believe so many are excusing this type of bull$#%$. I'll bet that many of you have not been in relationships where your S.O. ended up stalking you. If you were, I'm sure you'd end up singing a different tune! You don't know what it's like unless you've experienced it for yourself!!!!
I know exactly where you're coming from. I had a stalker who was an ex friend. I couldn't put up with her mental illness any more and told her the friendship was over. She couldn't accept it. I was hounded for years at home and at work. Then she started calling my husbands job. She also said that he sexually harassed her on a traffic stop. It was easy enough to prove that he didn't because there was no record of it and it was on one of his days off. That's a stalker, not Bayarea's husband. I think you are comparing apples and oranges here. They love each other. Our stalkers didn't love us. They wanted to torture us because of their selfishness. Having anxiety over losing someone you love and wanting to protect them, albeit in an unconventional way, is way different then having a toxic stalker in your life. I think after having been married for 30 years they have found a way to satisfy each others needs.
There is no right or wrong, just different. While it wouldn't work for you or I it is perfectly fine for them and has to be respected. Even by her psychologist friend who maybe should have looked at it from a more professional manner instead of an emotional one.
What I don't understand is why does anyone care what the OP is doing with her life if she is OK with it? She didn't ask for advice about her marriage or her husband's condition. I don't get all the energy being spent here on something that doesn't affect any of you (except the OP) in the least. What is the goal here?
This thread has run off the rails. Nosy/mean posters bait an OP to divulge more information, just so they can pick each new tidbit apart. They also take a innocent sentence like the "single" one, and blow it all out of proportion and decide for themselves how the poster meant it.
I'm a widow, live alone. I can eat when I want, go where I want, go to bed when ever and have full control over the tv remote. I'm also loving, caring and unselfish. THAT is the lifestyle OP meant when she described her single friend vs her life. When I was married I had to make concessions, as did my husband on our everyday lives. Being single is not selfish, it just allows us freedom to come and go and make every day choices without a spouses input.
If the OP's husband needs anti anxiety meds, then some posters need chill pills and non-judgmental shots.
There isn't anything I can say at this point that will appease the haters and moralists on this thread who are convinced that I'm an unhinged trauma survivor who is condescending toward singles and who is the victim of a miserably anxious stalker who might do away with himself. Holy $%#! So I'll just say thanks again for your input.
Edited because I just saw this:
Quote:
Originally Posted by breeinmo.
This thread has run off the rails. Nosy/mean posters bait an OP to divulge more information, just so they can pick each new tidbit apart. They also take a innocent sentence like the "single" one, and blow it all out of proportion and decide for themselves how the poster meant it.
I'm a widow, live alone. I can eat when I want, go where I want, go to bed when ever and have full control over the tv remote. I'm also loving, caring and unselfish. THAT is the lifestyle OP meant when she described her single friend vs her life. When I was married I had to make concessions, as did my husband on our everyday lives. Being single is not selfish, it just allows us freedom to come and go and make every day choices without a spouses input.
If the OP's husband needs anti anxiety meds, then some posters need chill pills and non-judgmental shots.
Thank you, breeinmo. That's what I was trying to say, but you said it better.
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This thread has run off the rails. Nosy/mean posters bait an OP to divulge more information, just so they can pick each new tidbit apart. They also take a innocent sentence like the "single" one, and blow it all out of proportion and decide for themselves how the poster meant it. 
