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OP, when you said that you feel like your family "killed" you, it sounds like you're depressed, sad, and to your friend - still needy.
Part of my process when dealing with stress or depression, is I like to rant about whatever it is that's bothering me. This burns out friends. So, I go to someone who is paid to listen to it LOL.
I also have a harder time listening to someone else, without interjecting something about myself, and then I tend to go off on a tangent about me. My initial reasoning, is I want them to know I'm engaged and I can relate to whatever it is they are telling me. But, then my tendency, is to keep talking about me. So, for me, I have to make a big effort to just listen and shut up about me.
I also come from a dysfunctional, toxic familiy, and have a hard time with boundaries - either letting people walk all over me, or also when I need to be the listener and not the talker. So, what I'm saying is that I understand what you're going through.
I'd suggest finding a counselor you like who will listen to you talk about the negative stuff. And then practice being someone who asks how other people are doing and just listen to them. They will - if they have good manners - ask how you are. The trick is to say something like, "Oh, I'm okay, but you go first - how are you, or how is your garden doing, or how are your kids, etc."
I have a weekly phone call with a friend, and he will always ask how I am and ask specifics - he knows how to be a good friend. I have started burning him out by using him to rant to lol. I could tell he was getting tired of it, so I have been making myself listen more and talk less.
It takes practice. But, it doesn't mean you're doomed forever. This friendship may be doomed. That's sad, but even great friends can grow in different directions for any number of reasons. You'd be having to make new friends all of your life anyway. So, try to just chalk it up as having lost a friend, like most people do at some point in their lives, and move forward from here.
I have tried. Like to give people the benefit of the doubt. It takes a major hitting bottom and the couple I did let into my life didn't have that.
One was my brother, he lacked the loyalty family gene's. Treated strangers better than family. Let me down so many times. I am not sure what the hell happened except I came along 7 years after him and he resented me for it. We moved far away form each other and had our own families.
After our parents died I tried to reconnect. Had him over for Thanksgiving and all he did was complain about what I made. For him it wasn't about being together. It was all about that I didn't fix a turkey. Which I have never liked.
Told him, if he didn't like it, leave and he did. Drove 5 hours to go back home. Master of poor decision making.
He has since passed, I didn't go to his funeral. I know he made up lies about me as he always did. Why should I put myself through that. Now I don't have to worry about him calling with his drama.
Hell no! That door swings one way far as I'm concerned. I made the mistake of letting toxic family back in my life only to be burnt again. I've learned my lesson.
I made the same mistake too many times. I have a sister who has been jealous of me most of our lives. She repeatedly has done harmful things to me & I forgave her over & over until I finally had enough. I no longer go to family get togethers if she will be there.
I once asked her why she did it & she confessed it was because I was prettier than her. I knew that, deep inside, but never acknowledged to myself that was the reason.
Yeah, ah no. Once I'm done with you there is no going back. It doesn't matter how much I miss you. If you hurt me, disrespect me, use me, or damage our relationship in any way, you do not get a second chance to do it again. End of story. I'll fill my time with someone more deserving thank you. Have a nice life...Without me in it.
God can forgive and forget. Only He truly knows our hearts. Humans can try to forgive, but incredibly difficult to forget which means if a past action is repeated all of that hurt comes flooding back and the risk may just be too high to allow for that.
I am somewhat facing this current scenario, but it involves a son. You hope for a prodigal son type return, but so far returns have only been about seeing if they could get anything else.
We were not perfect parents. I admit we were very strict, but then people loved being around our kids too. They were actually well behaved and polite. There were probably other underlying causes of issues that we missed at the time, but as someone else pointed out, people still have to be responsible for their decisions. So much damage has since been done, that I don't believe humanly we can ever be reconciled.
If they sincerely apologized, showed a lot of regret years later and showed that they changed?
It would really depend.
If there was a sincere apology - ALONG - with evidence of a change in behavior - then I might think about it. I'd want the apology, but I'd need the evidence that they changed.
God can forgive and forget. Only He truly knows our hearts. Humans can try to forgive, but incredibly difficult to forget which means if a past action is repeated all of that hurt comes flooding back and the risk may just be too high to allow for that.
I am somewhat facing this current scenario, but it involves a son. You hope for a prodigal son type return, but so far returns have only been about seeing if they could get anything else.
We were not perfect parents. I admit we were very strict, but then people loved being around our kids too. They were actually well behaved and polite. There were probably other underlying causes of issues that we missed at the time, but as someone else pointed out, people still have to be responsible for their decisions. So much damage has since been done, that I don't believe humanly we can ever be reconciled.
My son had a mental illness that didn't show up until his 20's. It got progressively worse &, long story short (read my posts if interested), he threatened me & my family. I didn't have contact with him for about 5 years.
He died this past January & ashamedly, I was at first relieved. Since then I wish I would have had 1 last time to talk to him. I will always miss the person he was, not what he'd become.
But if they have really changed, they will find other good people to populate their life with AND they will understand why I won't give them a second chance.
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