Would you accept a once toxic family member or friend back in your life if.. (jealous, brother)

[The Dissenter]

Originally Posted by Jd1990

If they sincerely apologized, showed a lot of regret years later and showed that they changed?

Hell no! That door swings one way far as I'm concerned. I made the mistake of letting toxic family back in my life only to be burnt again. I've learned my lesson.

[Led Zeppelin]

My Mom is toxic like nuclear fallout. I cut her out of my life 30 plus years ago and never regretted it. It was a life saver.

[chiluvr1228]

Originally Posted by Jd1990

If they sincerely apologized, showed a lot of regret years later and showed that they changed?

Some people CAN and DO change but it depends on several factors. Were they an alcoholic or druggie and now they are clean and sober? Did they get therapy? Find the Lord? I know a few people who found Jesus and did a complete 180.


What made this person come back into your life, apologize & show regret? Have you seen signs of change? Anybody can say they have changed in order to weasel themselves back into your life. Anybody can talk the talk, I would want to see the proof of this change.

[convextech]

Originally Posted by Jd1990

If they sincerely apologized, showed a lot of regret years later and showed that they changed?

ONLY if they have truly changed. Actions speak louder than words.

I had a cousin who was an alcoholic that continually did things to hurt the family. Over and over, she'd apologize, then fall off the wagon again. Finally it took the entire family ostracizing her before she got serious and made some changes in her life. Now she has been sober a couple years and she is a different person. I was happy to see her and now we are closer than ever.

[convextech]

Originally Posted by Jd1990

But I grew up in a toxic household and took out my anxiety/stress on her
...
I've changed since I moved out and graduated college.
...
I just didn't know how to healthily channel my emotions back then

Perhaps because you are giving excuses and not actually taking responsibility for what you did. You can't blame your lifestyle, your parents, you being immature, etc., and make her hurt go away.

So if I'm the friend sitting at dinner listening to you whine about all the reasons that made you do what you did, I'm done too. Nobody made you do those things. You did them. Own it.

[CraigCreek]

I'd accept someone back only if I had strong boundaries in place. I'd be cordial, but guarded, while wishing them well - in all senses.

But if they hurt me again or anyone whom I loved, they'd be out permanently.

[reds37win]

Originally Posted by Jd1990

I had a best friend that I grew up with. We had many great memories together and good times. But I grew up in a toxic household and took out my anxiety/stress on her as she was the closest person in my life. She cut contact with me without warning because she couldn't take it anymore and so four years later, I told her how sorry I was, how I deeply regretted my actions and how much I've changed since I moved out and graduated college. She seemed to be happy for me and said she wanted to meet up and said she missed me/sad about how much she has missed in my life over the years. She then cut me off the next morning and said she is not ready. I don't know what I did wrong but feel like the closest family member in my life killed me off. And I promise I am not a bad person, I have a really big heart and I just didn't know how to healthily channel my emotions back then, and she was like a sister to me so I told her everything. I just miss her so damn bad and regret everything.

More than likely, she was happy to hear from you. We mostly tend to remember people fondly, pushing some of the painful memories to the back of our thoughts.

It also sounds like she thought about it quite a bit overnight and decided she is not at a place in her life in which she is ready to welcome you as part of it.

Respect her choice.

My recommendation is to write her a note or make a video letting her know your thoughts. Indicate that you are available to talk at her discretion.

If your true intention is friendship, that is about all you can do.

Just curious...what steps have you taken to recover from the toxic household? What was it that made it toxic?

[fluffythewondercat]

Originally Posted by convextech

Perhaps because you are giving excuses and not actually taking responsibility for what you did. You can't blame your lifestyle, your parents, you being immature, etc., and make her hurt go away.

So if I'm the friend sitting at dinner listening to you whine about all the reasons that made you do what you did, I'm done too. Nobody made you do those things. You did them. Own it.

That's a terrific insight.

It's not enough to swear you've changed. You have to convince her you can be the kind of friend she needs. Friendship is a two-way street.

Someone I'd banished came back into my life when she was diagnosed with breast cancer. Through the surgery, the chemo, the opportunistic infections, the six month followup, etc. I was caring and supportive. As her life returned to new-normal, I would send the occasional short newsy message describing what we were up to. Her responses were curt and in an obviously bored tone.

I was surprised and then I asked myself why I was surprised. People don't change. Users keep on using.

[HighFlyingBird]

It really depends on what made them "toxic"...what they did to change that about themselves.

I have done it, with my own parents. They didn't "change" but I changed how I interact with them. I keep boundaries and space and have them in my life where I can, and away where I have to. I know what to expect. I did the changing, if that makes sense.

[longneckone]

No! Sorry I do hold grudges. I take this to the point where my family has been told to not let a few people in if they show up at my funeral.